Married to a functioning alcoholic.
Posted , 13 users are following.
Please somebody help me. I have been married to my husband for 20 years. He has always enjoyed a drink, maybe 3/4 cans of lager after work, over the years it has increased to a bottle of wine and 4 cans every day. I worked out over a week he is having 100 units. His behaviour is disgusting, he's weed the bed, wet himself on the sofa, the list is endless. Myself and our boys have pleaded with him to stop, he won't admitt he has a problem. I've threatened to leave him and he'll go a couple of nights without drinking, but the excuses always creep back in. What do i do? I'm now on antidepressants and having councelling, I'm not sure i even love him anymore, please somebody help me.
2 likes, 98 replies
tess33005 alice80348
Posted
That puts a different perspective on things if he IS violent.
Of course, domestic abuse can be emotional, too, but actual physical violence is something nobody should tolerate.
love Tess
olivo tess33005
Posted
My husband was the gentlest, kindest, caring man in our early days, we've been together since we were 17, everyone loved him for how caring he was to me......but alcohold changes people, and he has become someone I dont even recognise. He was a talented musician, who worked with many top names, (that's how we met, I was a singer) and respected by many, NOW he has no interest in his guitars, they hang on the wall (along with a gold disc and other awards) and he couldnt care less. Alcohol is all he cares about.
tess33005 olivo
Posted
Olivo, could you start a New Discussion about this?
Because this is Alice's discussion and both of you need help, but not in the same thread, or it gets too complicated. I will respond and many others will, if you'll just start a New Discussion.
Love Tess xxxxxxxxxxxxx
olivo tess33005
Posted
Oh!! Sorry, of course, I didn't mean to hijack Alices' thread,
alice80348 tess33005
Posted
Hi Tess, no he's never been violent or abusive which is something to be grateful for i suppose. I just feel mentally battered from all the stress of it over the years. X
RHGB alice80348
Posted
Okay, from reading your post, I would say, that you ddon't actually want to leave him, but that you want some normality back to your life? Leaving is a nuclear option?
Initially from the timing of your post I was going to say you are US based, but your English is more of a UK style, it does make a difference to the advice given, so please let us know.
I take it as a functioning alcoholic, he holds a job down and doesn't drink during the day? Wetting oneself is not usual for someone with alcohol issues, I can't say that in all the time I was drinking, that I ever wet myself, that would seem to be more of a separate physical problem.
There are two issues here, the physical side to the drinking and the psychological side of the reason for drinking. They both need to be dealt with. Medicine can sort the former to a large extent, your husband sounds like a candidate for Selincro, which helps diminsh the 'want ' for more and more alcohol.
I can perhaps help you with the psychological side, which helps you both to understand what is happening and perhaps a way out of the current situation. Do come back with some more details, it all helps. For example, I imagine the sons are still quite young unless you had them when first married.
tess33005 RHGB
Posted
The bed-wetting is not something I have ever encountered with my own husband.
I hope Alice reads all this and comes back with more information.
alice80348
Posted
Thank you all for you replies, seems there are quite a few of us in this dreadful situation, my heart goes out to you all, because I know only too well and understand the dilemma.
Today I am sat here, as per usual, wondering what on earth I'm going to do. I've already been on the phone to my mum in tears, confused, frightened and not knowing what to do.
I'm 44 my oh is 50, my 2 sons are 24 and 18, both of whom are leaving home within the next 2 weeks to pursue careers and uni. This means I'll be left here with my husband, which I'm dreading.
I'm not even sure alcohol is so much the issue anymore, I feel so exhausted and worn out, my feelings towards him are of pity really. He is such a kind, good man who adores me. Trouble is the damage is done to our relationship, I can't stand being around him and I'm relived when he goes out. We've spoken about seperation before which I think I want but when it comes to the crunch I back down, why do i do that when I want "out"? I'm so afraid to stay and regret it in 10/15 years time, but I'm equally afraid of an unknown future. Help!
olivo alice80348
Posted
j72661 alice80348
Posted
Misssy2 olivo
Posted
He won't live 15 more years ...it doesn't sound like it at this point.
alice80348 j72661
Posted
Hiya, you have described me to a tee. I used to say to him, 'please stop the drinking, you don't know the damage you're doing", we'll now the damage is done. I can't even bear for him to touch my arm, I feel uncomfortable in his presence. He's never been violent or abusive, drinks till he falls asleep then next day behaves like everything is normal. Well it isn't normal, I've reached the end of my tethere. Do you mind me asking how you got the strength to leave him when if like me you still care about him and love him in some mixed up way? I've tried and I just can't do it. X
ADEfree alice80348
Posted
j72661 alice80348
Posted
Hi, some of my kids said they wanted to move out and that was the final straw. It was my 17 year old son and my 14 year old daughter. All of my kids (I have 24 and 20 yr old sons also) except my youngest who is 6 ( who is too young to understand) agreed that he needed to go. That was the push l needed. I didn't want my kids growing up somewhere else. I regret not doing it a long time go but am sticking to my guns now and no matter how much emotional blackmail he throws at me l am Neva turning back.
alice80348 j72661
Posted
Do you mind me asking you how much he was drinking and what his behaviour was like? I'm just trying to compare and I suppose justify in some way what I need to do. X
j72661 alice80348
Posted
Hi, it varied over the years. At one point he was having 12-16 cans of cider a day. For the last few years he was having 2-10 a day. Cider or strong lager he was always changing. Plus for a while he was on drugs too. I have suffered physical, psychological and emotional abuse. He neglected me and the kids, put other people before them, let things happen around the kids which shouldn't have. One year he didn't get up on Christmas Day. The list is endless.
alice80348 j72661
Posted
Oh I feel for you so much, thank you so much for replying, you'll never know how much it means to me to know I'm not alone in this nightmare. I wish I could do something to help you my love, if you ever want to chat or let off steam I'd love to be there to help you, not sure how as I'm living through the same stuff, just reassuring to know we're not alone. Take care. X
j72661 alice80348
Posted
Your Neva alone. There's always someone to listen or offer advice. Sometimes just talking to someone who will listen without bias or judgement makes you feel a little bit more human x
j72661 alice80348
Posted
On the negative side he is drunk performing in the other room. Oh well, on this occasion the good outweighs the bad x
Robin2015 j72661
Posted