Menopause Took Away My Wife

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I'm normally active in the "Ankle Problems" forum, but thought I'd give this one a try.  I hope someone here can give me some good advice.  You see, my wife who was formerly quiet, sweet, and charming has turned into major bitch since menopause.  She now tries to micromanage me and other family members, she demeans me and others, she yells at counter attendants when we go shopping, she reaches over and blasts the horn at other drivers when I'm driving.  I could tolerate most of all that if it weren't for the fact that she has shut me out sexually for a year now.  I've tried to discuss it with her, but she just shrugs me off.  She further refuses to discuss it with her gynocologist.  I'm at wits end and ready to give her an ultimatim.  Please help.

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  • Posted

    Our hormones are rough on us. She probably doesn't even realize her hormones are doing this to her. Sounds like she needs some anti anxiety meds. As far as the sex issue, that's probably physical. Things change down there and it can be painful. Again, there are ways to help that. See if you can gently approach the subject with her well being in mind, not anyone elses. Let her know you want her to be happy and try to get her to seethe doctor for that. Good luck.
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  • Posted

    Hi - feel for you - but it is a really hard time when hormones go haywire. Do something out of the ordinary - dinner - movies - nature visit - but tell her it is all on your conditions you are in charge she has no say for that period you have organised. If it goes well try a few differnet things and when you feel the time is right broach the subject of her difference in demeanor tell her you miss her old self. I strongly suggest some HRT this lady is suffering and it is the PITS sometimes you feel you are not in control of your own body or mind. Some non-sexual massage may bring you closer as you were before - there are some great lubricants which will ease any discomfort when whe is ready to resume what you once had.

    It is an awful place to be in as you and family are suffering alongside also - take things slowly - but do encourage her to seek help there are some amazing treatments out there.

    Good luck Pinoyboysmile

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  • Posted

    God bless you both!

    You came to the right place for advice!

    My life is also a mirrored picture of your wife. Yes, she is in a really bad place, but not forever. Hang in.

    I needed to do something, so I got on HRT. It has helped immensely but I'm still not right. I also got on a mild antidepressant.

    Everyday is different, I started to isolate myself from going places too. I use to do things even when I didn't want to just to please people...now I'm the total opposite! I JUST DONT CARE (which is very liberating). But no like me at all!! the thought of sex just turns me. So your wife is not alone. I feel for you but just think of what she is facing everyday!!!

    You giving her an ultimatim, I don't think is wise. She cannot help what her hormones are doing to her. The best thing (I think) is to try to find some humor somewhere. Try to counteract what she is facing everyday.

    I am being blatantly honest....I have a great husband, but I'm at a place where all I think is that men only want us for sex!

    I want no part of it at all!

    You giving her an ultimatum is not a good idea. Unless you can find someone 10-15 years younger than your wife....and even then, you run the risk of being faced with the same craziness you have right now, down the road.

    If you truly love her, you need to be super patient.

    I'm sorry you are going through this but it is what it is! I am so tired of feeling this way. But I continue to hang on by a thread. My kids keep me going and my meds.

    Take Care,

    I hope this nightmare ends soon for me and your wife!

    Maggie

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  • Posted

    You have no idea what he'll we go through everyday! I was fine one day, and very sick the next! This menopause crap has totally screwed up my whole world! Not only mentally, but physically! I have sought help for what's going on, but no real answers yet. I have broached the subject of menopause with no less than five doctors, and they treat us as if we are alien! I had to pressure my gynecologist to give me HRT. People do not understand this hell, unless they have lived it! Please do not be hard on her! Trust me, she is having a hard enough time! How about sitting her down and calmly talking to her, coaxing her gently to speak with her gynecologist. Gps do not help. Please do not give her an ultimatum, that may send her over the edge. Try to understand, she doesn't mean to be like that, her hormones, or lack of, are dictating everything right now!
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  • Posted

    You must really care for her to come on this forum.

    But, Debbie is absolutely right!

    No ultimatims!

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  • Posted

     I am so sorry for you and your wife.  You must find a way to talk to her.  Let her know how much you love her and only want to help her.  With kindness let her know the changes she is going through must be so hard on her as you see it every day the girl  that once was is in pain and your heart is breaking.  Let her know that you will support her and would like her to see her gynecologist and if she would like you to go with her you will so you can find out what you can do to help.  She must see how she has changeged and it is eating her up inside.  I think it is the sweet and kind ladies that is more, what the .....happened to you when menapause hits us like a tone of bricks.  The change can go from one extreme to another.  I know this has been a hard year for me.  Tears roll down my face very easily one minute then mad the next but the must scary part is the emptiness I feel inside.  Thank God I have a great natural path doctor that recommended  hormone replacement and having a amazing husband that loves me.  We are very open in conversation and at times I think he is probably tired of hearing about it but he still listens with empathy. Must of us have physical pain to just to make the mental pain feel like it has a partner in all this.  Lighter is great medicine I hope you both find away to talk, laugh and cry about this it will get better but you both need to be willing to get help.
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  • Posted

    Well done you for coming on here and trying to understand what is happening. It is a hideous, vile time in a woman's life and I recognise the woman as you have described your wife. In fact I have become such a monster I frequently tell my darling husband of 31 years to leave me. We don't want to be like this, honest, but we can't help what is going on in our heads. It's like there is an ogre lodging in our brains, telling us how to behave and we have no say in our lives any more. Please be tolerant.   Walk away when she's ranting or go do something away from her but above all talk to her. My husband, son and I have developed coping strategies to deal with my " off my head moments". Try & discover some of your own. My heart goes out to you both because menopause effects all the family & is a hard road to tackle. Good luck
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  • Posted

    Thanks Ladies. Your advise, and sharing of your own experiences, has been very helpful.  I have been under the impression that HRT is bad for a woman's physical health (similar in way to how testosterone replacement can lead to health problems in men); so, I haven't even considered it as an option available to my wife. I have several points to ponder as I pursue the next steps with her.  Thanks again.
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    • Posted

      Let her take the steps, just let her know you support her. You cant 'fix' this for her, it's a very personal and scary time. I don't know what others think but literature re menopause might be a way of giving her support/showing you care/want to help ie a support book, this website address, magazine articles. She can discover stuff in her own time and it's less 'confrontational' to her?
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    • Posted

      Hi. I think it's great you're trying to understand & help your wife after noticing dramatic changes in her personality & behaviour rather than just giving up on her. many men shy away from "female issues". my hubby is great . i have recently gone in to my perimenopause last 4mths more noticeably or could be longer. i can feel when i have my short fused hours/days so i warn him to ignore me as i "feel very hormonal right now" so he knows not to take too much notice of anything i say or do during those times! i also talk openly with him about symptoms, doctor visits, how i'm feeling etc. i suffer with crashing fatigue, mood swings that can be poles apart on the same day, anxiety attacks, hot flushes, stomach cramps, foggy head/no concentration, random bouts of tears, no interest in sex, to name a few. but its not constant-very random up & down within the same day or can last for days. I've even had several meltdowns at work which is awful. i spoke to my fab gp as i am 45 & have had irreg bleeding last 18mths, & more recently all the above symptoms. after 2 x 20min appointments with her i am now on hrt since 1/4/16. my gp specialises in menopause & female health. we discussed at length hrt before i went on it, as i too was worried about health implications of hrt. she said hrt is much safer than it was & many of the initial health scares have proved unfounded. if a woman has had breast cancer before or has a high risk (eg family history) hrt is less likely to be used. also there are so many ways or administering hrt (patches, creams, gels, pills) & doses it can be more acurately balanced & tried. i use estrogen gel on my legs or arms daily, & progesterone tablets for 12 days a month-both low dose to try for 2mths before reviewing with my doc next week. since 1/4/16, my irreg bleeding has stopped, my anxiety attacks have substantially reduced & i feel much calmer/even keeled, my low mood bouts have substantially evened out, my tearfulness has significantly reduced, stomach cramps reduced by half, & my foggy head/concentration is slightly better. so the hrt is helping & my doc may either tell me to continue for few more months on same dose to see if improves things more before increasing dose. i still suffer from the crashing fatigue, no libido, hot flushes, but lots of symptoms improved by the hrt. i think your wife firstly needs to recognise she has a problem & is probably in perimenopause or menopause, & then speak to a gp or gynae doc that specialises in menopause as a starting point. how old is your wife if you dont mind me asking? hope this helps.
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