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My daughter is destroying herself and everyone else

Posted , 12 users are following.

Lily23957
Lily23957

My daughter has an alcohol problem and I don't know what to do.She started drinking to excess after the birth of her last baby eighteen months ago but my husband and I knew nothing about it until three months ago.I took her to our gp to get help and she is now receiving counselling but I don't think it is helping.They have set goals for her to cut back but she is not doing so well.Last week she had a good week and her cousellor congratulated her on doing well.My daughters response was to go out and buy a bottle of wine to celebrate!Sunday she went on a drinking binge and walked out of the house.She went missing for hours and we were about to phone the police when she came back home in a state with cuts all over her hands saying some lads had tripped her up! The whole family are devastated including her children.When she is not using alcohol she is popping codeine based painkillers with the excuse that she has a bad back or a migraine.Her husband is a the end of his tether and has tried to throw her out but she won't go.He says he loves her but he hates her as well.She needs more help than she is getting but I don't know what to do anymore.I am watching my beautiful baby girl destroy her life and the lives of those who love her and I am helpless.Please help me to help her.

3 likes, 52 replies

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  • Lily23957
    Lily23957

    Posted

    My daughter took another drink last night and I think it was my fault.Her husband was working yesterday so hubby and me kept calling in on her to make sure she was ok and coping with the children.I thought that I could smell drink on her but hubby said that he could not and he thought that she was ok.We took the youngest for a couple of hours and took him back after tea.I have been feeling the pressure more and more and felt that if I did not take care of myself I would not be fit to cope with anything so I told my daughter that I would not be able to call on her today but that i would phone her and if she really needed me I would be there for her.I worried for the rest of the night that I had upset her but my hubby kept phoning her and assured me that she was ok.....This morning my daughters husband phoned to say that she had been drinking when he got home from work....I don't know what to do anymore.I can't cope.All my strength is gone.My daughter absolutely will not admit that she is an alcoholic.She will not accept any more help than the once a fortnight counselling which is obviously not helping.She is about to lose everything because her husband and kids have had enough and still she will not wake up.My husband even told her hubby to give up work to look after the kids and to throw my daughter out!...I can not see my daughter with nowhere to go so she would have to come back home which means that I would have to find somewhere else to live as I can not stand to watch my daughter slowly destroy her life.I don't want to lose my hubby...He is my soulmate and the only thing that has kept me alive over the past year.I know I am not making sense.My life is falling apart because of alcohol...and I don't even drink.Things can't go on like this but I can't see any way out and nobody seems to want to help my family.
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 Lily23957

      Posted

      Lily, it is NOT your fault that she had a drink. It is perfectly normal that her issues are causing all sorts of problems. You and your husband are bound to be looking for the best ways to help her. Your husband obviously thinks she needs a 'good sharp shock' and you are thinking about the idea that this would have such a negative impact on her, it could make things a lot worse. When we have problems which appear impossible to solve, we do tend to clutch at any straws and some of the ideas that seem like common sense today, may seem ridiculous tomorrow. I am sure that if you try to talk through your fears with your husband and allow him to say what he feels about the situation, you will be able to see that you BOTH care and want the best for your daughter in the longterm.

      Don't take it personally that it appears that nobody wants to help. It is more that there is a serious lack of understanding of alcohol problems within our NHS and, in fact, among the population in general. It is not personal to you, most people find that it is very difficult to find the right help with any alcohol-related problem. I, personally, think it's a scandal.

      Let your husband know how much he means to you and try and think through how you deal with things together.

      Your daughter is not doing this deliberately, see it as an illness and try and get your husband to see it as such.

    • olivo
      olivo Lily23957

      Posted

      You are in the depths of despair Lily. It's the feeling of not being able to "sort it" My husband tells me I will not control him!  I sometimes think he is drinking so much, to prove that he will NOT stop because I want him to! If that makes sense. But after so many years of begging, pleading etc I realise  NOTHING I say or do, will make him change. He has to WANT it for himself, and he never has.   Please take care of you, if you go downhill , it will all fall apart. In saying that, she knows she has a safety net in you and your husband, so perhaps her husband can take the kids away for a while to let her see he is serious?
  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 Lily23957

    Posted

    H Lilly, my goodness, I so, so feel for you. I can see the situation from both sides, I was the alcoholic but I could see the agony, worry and hurt that my actions were causing.... there is no easy answer, I recovered because I was sectioned four times into our local mental health hospital, ( hated it at the time... but it truly saved my life ). Is your daughter being seen by a nurse from the COMMUNITY ALCOHOL SERVICE.. I had a lovely nurse, I had home detox treatment from her about THREE times, they also have the authority to section you into a clinic for either your own safety or your families, ( especially young children ).. your daughter must be very scared and sad about the things she is doing, I was petrified every single minute of every single day... she needs much more support as does her family.... can your GP or your daughter's GP intervene in any way.... you must all push and push to get more help.. I am so sorry for your situation, you are in my thoughts... take care, sincere regards to you all, Deirdre xx
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 deirdre._03652

      Posted

      They can section a person ONLY if there is a diagnosed mental health problem, so you would need someone willing to look deeply enough into your daughter's condition, to get her forced into treatment, Lily. They will not section a person with the sole intention of treating a dependence on drugs or alcohol. It appears that you, Deirdre, had people looking after you who were prepared to see past the alcohol and that was what ended up making it possible for you to resolve things. I just wish that high quality alcohol services were widesly available across the country.
  • hope4cure
    hope4cure Lily23957

    Posted

    Hi Lilly,

    Ur not helpless. It's time to let her go. She needs to do this herself or she may never do it. Alcohol is a mind altering, so powerful the drug and addiction is overwhelming. No one wants to live in that kind of pain and madness. Yet alcohol can train the receptors in the brain to crave the drink to where the addict has no,control over the cravings.

    One drink makes the receptors in the brain feel good then after a few more the drinker becomes depressed because alcohol is a depressant. And the cycle goes on and on and the alcoholic needs more and more to feel the high then the depression comes again. 

    My son has the same drinking issues . Has lost everything. It's painful to watch and leaves our hearts chocking with the pain.

    My son knows I love him no matter what. Alcohol has a greater hold on his life since a teen. He is now 38. He has been in jail and rehab living on the streets or with enablers. I had to let him go for my own sanity and eventual health . It does takes its toll physically and has been a challenge for many years to not get sucked into his addiction I cannot rescue him. I tried for years. It's a terrible game they play with their loved ones and the burden is tremendous. I only know that it can become so stressful that serious illness can become part of our lives . I learned I had to put my health and family first and not allow myself to become an enabler or used to feel guilty for his addiction.

    Plz read read my story under Hope4CURE do a search and u will read full story. I will pray that u will receive all that u need to sustain u thru this journey, to liberate urself from the alcoholic. It takes time and seeking professionals and others who have family members who are suffering from this disease helps .  

    The best advice is to take care of yourself .... Only UR daughter can find sobriety. 

    I am so very sorrythat u must suffer this agony. I know what this can do to families. I wish there was something I could say to help u with the pain. This journey is for u to understand that alcohol cravings controls the brain to all activities and until UR daughter has been thru months of rehab she may find sobriety. There is no guarantee. 

    The more u learn about addiction the better u will accept how this disease controls the alcoholic.It is her addiction.....not yours to try and contain. Separate urself with boundaries so she understands u r not going to rescue her anymore. It really tough, it needs to happen she needs to know she has to depend on herself to make the right decisions. You can cry, beg, & she can promise she will quit....remember it takes months for this to finally all sink in. Let it go for those who need & appreciate u. UR daughter sadly only needs alcohol. The Mind of Addiction, is a good book to read.

    Many healing prayers sent UR way.

    HOPE4CURE

  • karrie58577
    karrie58577 Lily23957

    Posted

    Our daughter who's 32 birthday is today is on a binge big time and had a fairly impromptu friends on my birthday party and now is drink and sad that not all she expected showed up.. she just got her second divorce finalized and is now with a great guy. She's so used to being with losers, she's having a hard take accepting that he is so good and loving.. she grew up with her dad and I in constant fight mode.. and i figure that that and her bring raped at 15 for a lot of her issues.,i pulled her out of many precarious situations and I getvthis feeling that we put her thru hell and now I am having to go thru her he'll. She will not go to counseling- won't even speak if it either.i may need it again now! I am hurting so bad for her and as her mother want to fix her! I just love her to pieces! All I can do is pray for her and hopefully talk to her to see if I can help in any way..don't know if this will help but just wanted to share..,

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