My ex-girlfriend is a Sociopath. Affecting me badly.

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I have just found out that the women i loved and the mother of my children is a Sociopath. She has been lying to me for 10 years about money, relationship with parents, her financial situation, her job, you name it. Everything has been a lie. 

She have now taken the kids away form me and moved into home with another man. She is doing the exact same thing to this man as she has done to me. I know this as i have read 2 years worth of her emails. She has discarded me and cut off all contact.

I feel so stupid for believing all her lies. I cannot believe that what she was saying I didnt question more. She always had an answer for everything without fail and she would back up her arguments with forged emails and pretend phone calls. I have evidence that she has been conning men on the internet under different aliases also. Sometimes recieving large sums of money.  

She even lied to me about her being ill in hospital with chrohns disease. She left me at home looking after our children whilst i juggled job and kids when i believed she ill but i now know she was staying in a hotel (i have proof).

This was a highly stressful situation as you can u can imagine. It was then that my partner suggested that the children should stay at her grandparents for a while until she was better. This is when i lost all contact with my children, I would get excuse after excuse about visiting and that they would ring me. My partner would often send me pictures of the children looking happy and this would just about do enough to pacify me until the next day.  

My situation is I feel i have lost everything simply because i have been a loving, caring partner who believed was in a loving relationship. My major major concern is the affect that this woman is going to have on my kids. I feel all alone and do not know where to turn. I cannot believe i have been so stupid :-((

Marc

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  • Posted

    I'm so sorry to hear this Marc. As a volunteer on a crisis line I've heard this story many times before - from women as well as men. I'm afraid people like your ex do walk among us, causing terrible pain and grief.

    Please don't beat yourself up over this. You weren't stupid, just loving and trusting. We've all been in situations - albeit not always as serious as yours - where we wonder after the event how on earth we could have let it happen.

    How serious are you about wanting to keep contact with your kids?

    That might sound like a stupid question, but it's something you need to take a hard look at before you start proceedings. We're all different. Some people - and particularly men - find they'd prefer to move on, once they sit down and honestly examine their own feelings. That's OK too. No need to let others railroad you into anything or make you feel bad about your own decisions.

    If this is something you really want, you're going to have to start by consulting a lawyer. I don't know whereabouts in the world you are, but most countries have some kind of free or low-cost legal or mediation "clinics" where you can get preliminary advice. Relationship guidance services can also be helpful. In most countries, you don't both have to be present when seeing a relationship counsellor. Also, if you have solid proof that your ex has broken the law, that could act in your favour.

    Marc, I'm afraid you have some hard thinking to do, just at a time when your grief is making it hard to think about anything clearly. I hope you have family or friends to support you.

    All the best,

    Lily

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    • Posted

      The horrifying thing is I have 6 children with this woman(altough i am doubting i am biological father now on a couple). This would not change the way i feel for either of them though. I am so close to my children and been such a Hands on dad that I would find it hard to not be involved.

      In the ideal world i would like to have them all with me but realistically i feel that its to many for me to look after on my own anyway. I would like to the have the older 3 with me and they swap at weekend etc. I can't believe that she would agree to this just like that though. I have instructed solicitor to say this is what i would like however.

      I worry about the emotional affect it will have on my children and as i havent seen them for some months what they have been told about where i am. 

      This whole story sounds unbelievable and i cant believe im stuck in the middle of it.

      Im in the uk.

      Marc

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  • Posted

    hi marc,

    what a horrible person she is, but at least you can live with yourself knowing that you are the better person and do not live your life in such as way, can you not go to a solicitor and see what you can do about this situation with the children? that is a terrible thing to do, to cut contact with you so you cannot see your kids, there has to be something you can do, especially if you have proof of the lies and the fraud she has been committing to other people.  she will eventually get whats due to her and become a very lonely old lady and when you're children reaize what she's been doing they will want nothing to do with her either i would imagine. what a terrible time you must be having. this is one of the nastiest stories i've heard in a long time, i really feel for you, you must be at your whits end!! it's not that you've been stupid, don't ever say that about yourself, you've been a loyal and loving person and that is much better than what she is, i just hope you can find a way around this.

     

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  • Posted

    I should probably add that at the moment (via solictor) she has said hope can come to amicable solution regarding visitation. I know it will just be lie after lie about me though if i try to fight it. Its the only glimer of hope i have at the moment. I've spoken to Family and Friends and they try to be supportive but i still feel alone. My children are all under 10. 
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  • Posted

    Oh, Marc1978 I am in the EXACT SAME situation with my male exmale friend. He has become a pathalogical liar and I have confronted him on this many times and he will RAGE at me when I do. Just recent he told me in an email that he is going to die from prostrate cancer and has told his brother and gonna tell his son, but for sure it will be soon. So because of our history and his lieing  all the time I called his brother, no he did not tell him, I called his son, no he did not tell him I called his nurse because I wanted to know how I can be supportive of this type of cancer since it would affect any intimacy in the future. The nurse couldn't talk to me but said I need to get a hold of him. So  then I confronted him about this and I got RAGE back. Always RAGE from him if I corner him. As far as the children, you need to somehow find a way to see them because the children LEARN from her to lie, and they will. My male friends son lies constantly to everybody which you find out afterwards. So they will learn to lie. She has mental illness which I CAUTION her on and couple counseling WOULD be in order here. For both of you to get a handle on this because of the children, or she MIGHT lose them and either you would get full custody or they would end up in foster home(s). But at this point you should seek legal consult. Now if BOTH of you have ANY TYPE of mental illness, like if YOU also have a mental health disorder YOU do NOT know of and that drove her away, that puts a different slant on the problem. Sometimes a person does NOT know if they have a mental health disorder either until something like this happens. So go get checkout for you since they would be brought up with legal. If you do have a disorder that would have to be taken care of if not you have that on your side and would be a better choice for your children. It is a tricky situation when mental health is involved as the courts see it. BE CAREFUL if she lies they would be put in a difficult situation as to who to believe you her the kids?
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  • Posted

    Marc, your story doesn't sound unbelievable to me at all! Sadly, it's all too common - and not gender-specific either. What is gender-specific, however, is the UK justice system. Sadly, I agree with you - that your wife may indeed do everything in her power to get round court orders etc., and with impunity. When a man refuses access to children, the courts are quick to act. Less so when the boot is on the other foot, I'm afraid.

    But that doesn't mean you should give up the fight, unless you want to. Have you tried googling "Fathers' rights"? I don't live in the UK, but I know Fathers4Justice are very active in this field. Granted, they're a bit on the wild side, but they need to be, to get their point across. I don't think they offer legal assistance, but I see there's both a blog and a forum on their site, where you might get some useful tips from men going through the same agony as you.

    Sometimes I get very angry when I see how the so-called "women's movement", which I supported wholeheartedly as a young woman in the 60s, has swept away the rights of so many men.

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  • Posted

    I will look into the fathers for justice website thanks. All information is valuable. I dont believe that she will ever be happy. It feels to me that she used me emotionally and then realised that she had taken it as far as she could and could get nothing more out of me. In the meantime she has met another sucker and her emails suggest she is doing exactly the same thing to him as she did you me. 

    This women would go to the extent of spending hours on the phone to her dad asking for advice. I have spoken to her dad since(she always kept us apart) and I now know that they hadnt spoken to each other last 10 years. Even her mother knows she has issues as she was constantly falling out over money and the grandchildren. 

    Its all a bit much to get my head around at the moment.

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    • Posted

      KEEP ONE THING IN MIND Marc, the CHILDREN. IF you CAN, do NOT speak badly of her around the children ever. It is in BAD form if you say bad things about her when around them, it will DAMAGE them. KEEP your thoughts about their mother to yourself or tell a good friend. DO NOT PULL the children into your anger with her. THAT would be abuse to them to slam her when you are with them. Find something positive about her around them. She is STILL THEIR MOTHER. So keep your feelings in check, find a therapist to talk to now. Do not wait. start looking for a therapist, you NEED one now
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    • Posted

      Marc, can you try and build up the relationship with her parents? It sounds as if the foundations might already be there. Without making them feel they're being forced to take sides, of course - whatever they think of her, she remains their daughter and if asked to choose, they'll always side with her. And MK's advice to keep the children out of it is good - even if your ex is trying to poison them against you. You're in a very tough situation but, as Gingemac says, you know you're the better person, so don't be tempted to stoop to her level.
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  • Posted

    Yeah I will try not to stoop to her level. The most upsetting thing is the children wasnt told they were going where they went. They must be wondering where I have gone and the reasons. We have always been close.

    Her parents are seperated but after talking to her mum since i now realise what depths she went to to keep us apart.

    I dont even feel particular anger towards my ex, just sadness that she dont realise. I look at it as an illness because i know logically a normal person could not do as she has done. I still however feel upset that it happened and i will kick myself forever that i did not act on the signs.

    I have a sense to do what is right for my children and i just feel that this behaviour will affect them so much and in the future and I am going to be the one picking up the pieces.   

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    • Posted

      No need to kick yourself Marc, you are not a professional, how would you know? how COULD you know. You had your suspicions and questions, ok, but there is no way anyone could really know for sure unless they are in the medical field and know the signs and even those IN the medical field don't always know, they have to sort it out through blood tests and other tests. So do NOT beat yourself up over this. If you can, seek a therapist, OR if you prefer, go to your church and talk to your pastor. You need support now. Ps. I am here too MK
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  • Posted

    Psychopaths are very charming and very deceptive. They even fool psychiatrists. Put it down to experience.

    These monsters without conscience target good people with conscience.

    You can find genuine love.

    I watched a very good film last night about the fall of the economy and how psychopaths behave and their lack of care for people they use (empathy)

    The film is called 'Freefall' with Dominic Cooper. Worth a watch to see how these empty people behave.

    I hope you find peace from your experience Marc.

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    • Posted

      Nice to see a Psyciatrist on board here. It helps when those on here offering support are being careful in  trying to giving the right advice. I for one do not want to answer with wrong information and make the situation worse for anyone How many mental health diagnosis do you treat? or have knowledge on?
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    • Posted

      I will check film out. Might give me part more understanding. Thanks. I firmly believe that she is clever enough to have done anything she wanted professionally. Complete and utter waste.
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    • Posted

      Well, for now, I need to go and get ready to see MY therapist. He is a psycotherapist, Dr Dan Feaster, he is GOOD! I suggested him a couple of times on this site for those struggling and needing help. I have been seeing him for sometime. I have a couple of diagnosis and I have been in considerable crisis since Christmas and I am trying to deal. I also have a pastor with some mental health experience which for me helps a lot. Neither one are perfect but Dan is professionally good and Pastor is good with his experience and being a Spiritual support too obviously.
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    • Posted

      I am not a psychiatrist, I am a barman. I am aware of people and their behaviour to an extent. I am sure I have been fooled by these sociopaths in the past taking advantage of my softness.

      I would never come on here as a 'professional'.

      It's just observation and experience and reading about psychology.

      When I first came to London from Cork in 1992 I was naive and saw no bad in anybody.

      I only speak from experience. I am 46

       

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    • Posted

      Furthermore the successful sociopath will choose careers where that can take advantage of people fo their own gain.

      CEO, Lawyer, Salesperson, Journalist, Priest.

      They see people as weak and deserved of being taken advantage of for being so weak.

      They lack conscience and fear.

      1% of the population is a sociopath and they have us all charmed with shallow charm (glib)

       

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    • Posted

      Successful psychopaths run the banking and financial world. Unsuccessful psychopaths do more bad things lime killing and violence.

      I enjoy watching prychiatry programmes like Dr Michael Stone.

      A child without conscience that has been given love in a stable environment will be a successful psychopath like a surgeon or bomb disposal expert.

      Without love they becoemmore twisted and disturbed in their behaviour.

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