My ex husband just commited suicide

Well, I'm back and this one through me a punch in the stomach that I wasn't expecting.

My ex husband and father of our 4 children hung himself yesterday. They are all so upset as am I.

I have stopped drinking since march 2017(1 year 5 months) but yesterday I almost gave myself permission to drink and my S.O. said that I could but I didn't. I did not want my kids to see me in that state. My ex was also an alcoholic and the kids have stopped associating with him because of his drinking. He was a very bad drunk. Drive and wreck cars, beat up his girlfriend and scarred the kids enough that even the littlest one said to him that until he stops drinking she is not going over to see him.

From what I understood he stopped (from what he said) for a year in June. But last time he called in July he sounded drunk.

Anyways, now I have 4 very upset children with no father and I feel like I do not have the right to cry because I left him 9 years ago because of his problems and threats.

I REALLY WANT THESE BOTTLES OF WINE RIGHT NOW!!!

I know that it will not fix anything and it will not make this go away or make my children better. I do not have anyone to really talk to. No real friends except my S.O. so I'm sorry for this long post but I really had to get it out there.

I'm sad.

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