My husband causes my anxiety levels to rise

I couldn't agree more.  Very succinct, Tess. I couldn't quite grasp what and why he was stressing her out.

He gets verbal and has at times gotten right into her face. My other children are much older. My eldest no longer lives at home. The ones who live at home are 18 and 12. It just makes me sad because he is such a lovely man normally, but he just has zero patience with our daughter when she's being naughty/a typical four year old.

Please not phrase. LOL, I didn't check my words

Did you leave him in the end, then, Lilly?

Or did he agree to go to counselling?

This was actually the night before last, he is coming back today so we can talk. Yes, I do agree some form of counseling is needed and that will be grounds for returning. I never want our children to see me like that again. What's that teaching them, to be our keep a prisoner of their own house, in later years? I most certainly wool not raise children to be apart of that cycle

Or* and will* I really need to proofread

You must do what is best for you and your children.

I left a husband who terrified and beat me - seven times - and went back, like an idiot.

Finally left him 1990. I am now remarried to a great bloke.

I agree 100%, so very proud of you for making that move. It was a brave and seemingly rewarding decision.

There's no physical violence. He gets verbal. I don't like shouting or confrontation of any kind and frightens me. It's just how quickly he flares up. He has been known to punch doors and walls in his temper. It makes me so sad because other than this he's such a kind, generous, and loving man. He's only been like this since we had our daughter. She was a difficult baby because we discovered she was dairy intolerant and she would cry all night. He has zero patience when our daughter is playing up.

Does it not worry you that he's only been like this since your daughter was born? That he has zero patience when she is distressed? What happens when wall and door no longer suffice?  He might turn that temper on you or worse. There's no excuse for his behaviour, none whatsoever,

I wish you well, I truly do and I feel very, very sorry for you,

I truly do not believe that he would ever hit me or my daughter. I know that's hard to believe, but I've put him through a lot with my PTSD and he's never raised a hand to me. He's more of a verbal person. It's more to do with his attitude. I don't want us to separate, I want him to see what he's doing and change it. I find myself taking the blame for things that my daughter has done just so he won't say anything. He seems to moan about everything so I try to make sure he has nothing to moan about. My anxiety levels are constantly at a high level so it doesn't take much to tip me over the edge to be honest. But he just doesn't seem to be sympathetic to that.

Oh sweetie I'm so sad for you and so sorry! Living on your nerves is no way to live, being on tenterhooks, I don't have an answer for you, only you know the answer. But to me, deep down you sound frightened of his anger. Taking the blame for your daughter's mishaps to divert that anger towards you. What is that teaching your child? I don't know. I'm not qualified to help, I only wish I were.  You don't want to seperate but you want him, essentially, to change. I fear that's not going to happen.  I send hugs.

Im going to be very blunt and honest. Your husband most likely has a narssistic personality disorder. Im sure he belittles you, blames you for things way off range, laughs and mocks you not caring if it hurts you or not, not soothing kind of guy. Plays an audience at your expense at times im sure.If you trigger his ego or his way or his plans he will be off a his little npd rage sort of speak, they target compassionate people. They target who will actually even put uo woth their crap. To me it like they are emotional fice year olds. Yet they can function fine in the world, hold down jobs and be nice to their work peers. They know right from wrong. They just feel this is their world.he wont chnage hahaha. He cant. Ince in a while he will feel he annoyed you a bit too much and back off the. Go right back into himself. They are very hard to treat because they really dont think they are off or wrong. Its a toxic lifestyle. You most definetly always had high anxiety levels and that also comes with comdepency and neediness and a hugher tolerance level as a result. He isnt really going to wake up or change but if you stand the dance sort of speak its a toxic relationship that can last.

He went thru ptsd with you as it made him feel stronger and he felt you would get better anyway. It made you more co dependent and needy of him. So yes hed stay for that. I know it sounds cruel but search narcissistic personality disorder and being married to one. I think youll learn a lot. What you do in the end is what you can tolerate. Many stay and deal and dance the toxic dance. I had a father like this i watched it play out. He was bright, worked and functioned but he was toxic. My mother stayed. Sold her soul is how i viewed it, but i understood it. Life can be hard in yiur oen and it easier with someone who provides everything for you. I somehow understood it. Codependency can make a person do things they never thought they would. Thats what your doing. I am not trying to be mean im being honest and blunt. Without a doubt you had anxiety issues before you married him. Whether you knew it or not they were there.

You hit the nail on the head, Lisa! I do feel she's in denial but men like that are manipulative. I do wonder if he's jealous of his child?  Now he doesn't have her undivided love and attention. Guys like that are all about control

I've always had anxiety issues it started when I had my first child at 18. Something traumatic happened and it changed my life. They think that's when my PTSD was triggered. But to be honest I've always been an emotional person because of my childhood.

I'm not sure he's narcissistic. He's never shown signs of that before. It only started when we had our daughter. He has a very low tolerance level.

My daughter loves her daddy and I've said to him that he's teaching her how to tolerate a man who gets aggravated and then apologises....it's a dangerous game. I also asked him what he'd do if she got into a relationship with a lad who treated her that way and he said he wouldn't like it. So I told him that little girls idea of what a man is comes from their dads. He always understands and says sorry and promises he will change, but it always happens again and I end up going through the same conversation again. It's tiring.

He never had my individed love and attention. I brought three children into the marriage.

People never do change.  You appear to be making excuses for him, and in saying this I am not being hateful. Please believe that. The truth is I'm heartfelt sorry for you. But his promises are like pie crusts, easily broken. I don't believe he will ever change and only you can decide what you do, either stay or go.

Love from Helen

You other kids do not play a role in terms of your affection towards him or his caring about them. They arent his kids. No real attactchment involved at all. Makes you need him more of anything. The only one he would have any feeling involved with is his daughter. Who right now is very young. And when shes older he will have someone to talk about you with. But dont worry he will explain why he gets annoyed with you to her over and over when shes older. This is hard as heck for you im sure. Anxiety, co dependency, four kids  and a man with a narssistic personality dosroder is not fun and games. And for what because you cant change and just be what he wants. Why should he change anyway he gets what he needs and wants.And you will have to keep changing but be careful he wont like that either. He will call you weak if you are too submissive too. No winning at all. It all sucks. Did you marry him for love or did you use him? Think that thru yourself. At least then you can blame yourself like its your fault. Maybe that will help you stay in this toxic dance your in. Whew hes lucky he got you. Can treat you anyway he wants and you have nowhere to go and cant do a thing. Just gets his way way easier. That from what you wrote and what you have said is your reality. Acceot it or YOU CHANGE. Not him, you! You cant change another person. I say that with love and hoping you understand what is before you. Your choice, your life but just know the reality of it. Tonsof people live fine in these toxic relationships. Many wake up and are strong enough to leave them and get lots of therapy to stregnthen the,selves. This is hard stuff you are dealing with and exhausting.  I wish you all the best. I gave you an objective reality its on you what you do with it.

Oh my word. I've been in a relationship like your describing and my husband is not as bad as your making him. The only thing wrong with my husband is that he has an extremely low tolerance level when our daughter misbehaves, and he handles it in the wrong way. It triggers anxiety in me because of a traumatic experience. He certainly doesn't degrade me or anything like your saying. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him, but I'm really not. I married him because I love him. And he has been a great influence on my other children, especially my son, because he's different and his dad (my ex husband), never really accepted him the way he was. My husband showed him that it's ok to be different. My daughter and my husband are too alike, they rub each other up the wrong way. All I want is for him to find a different way to handle her, instead of just flying off the handle at her. Because it puts a lot of pressure on me.

Emilee,

I married my first husband because I loved him.

It didn't stop him punching in the abdomen when I was first pregnant.

It didn't stop him throwing away all my books because he considered them to be 'middle-class'.

It didn't stop him deliberately driving our car into a tree the night we went to dinner and he thought I was 'too friendly' with one of the other (male) guests.

It did stop him being a good father. The children were very frightened of him, and for good reason. One weekend his mother came to stay with us. While I was out shopping, Granny got hit by her own son in front of HIS own son........and daughter.

I thought he would change. We cannot believe that we chose so badly. We're embarrassed to tell anyone what is really happening.

Just before I finally left him, he got another woman pregnant - with twins. He paid £1,000.00 for her to have an abortion.

Once I'd left him, with the children, and he realised I REALLY wasn't coming back, he sent ME £1,000.00 "to even it up."

I spent it on a lawyer.

Emilee, you came here for advice.

We've given you the best advice we can.

RUN FOR THE HILLS AND DON'T LOOK BACK.

It's up to you to choose. Please choose wisely. I have no wish to continue to be in yet another discussion in this forum where all the women say GO GIRL GO! just for the Original Poster to make excuses for a narcissist.

God's Blessings go with you, Emilee.        Love Tess xxxx

Excellently put, Lisa.

You speak of how he makes you anxious. You speak of how he gets right into your daughter's face and how you divert his loss of temper away from her towards you. You speak of his zero tolerance. Worse still, you speak of him not being as bad as Lisa makes out. There is no physical violence. So hitting doors and walls through sheer temper is not violence? Right then. You are making excuses for him whether you want to admit it or not. I started out desperately sorry for you but now the only one I feel sorry for is your daughter, trapped between a nasty ill-tempered father and a mother who won't face facts

Sorry. I'm out of this particular thread. And that's a first for me

I was only going by what you wrote. Im glad thats not your relationship. That was advice just if it was to help you. I must have misunderstood the initial discussion. reread what you wrote. I don't know. "Even the sound of his voice makes my stomach tighten" doesnt sound too loving thats all. Or having to walk on eggshells. Im all confused by this whole thing. Im sorry you suffer from ptsd and anxiety. I wish you all the best.

He's not a narcissist. He's not a wife beater. He doesn't ridicule me or belittle me. He just doesn't know how to deal with a child when they misbehave. He handles it all wrong and he allows her to wind him up instead of just walking away. It puts me on edge because I have issues. I just want him to learn to ignore her behaviour and control his reactions. I'm not going to run for the hills because over all he's a great husband, he just has this one blemish on his character. I wanted advice on how I could talk to him to make him see what he's doing to me and how it affects my anxiety....I didn't want everyone to accuse him of being a wife beater, because he's most certainly not that. And before anyone accuses me of being blind, I'm not....I know what it is to be with a controlling abusive person....that's part of how I ended up with PTSD. My husband most certainly isn't that. I'm a free woman, he certainly doesn't control me in any shape or form. I just want to know how I can bring the subject up with him without him feeling I'm attacking him.

I think I probably didn't explain it all very well. I shouldn't have come here. It's only because my counsellor is away and I have no one else to talk to. My anxiety comes from other sources and my husbands actions aggravate it. I apologise if you feel you have wasted your time.

I apologise....I shouldn't have come here. I thought I'd get advice on how to help my husband. He's a good man really. My anxiety goes a lot deeper than I can possibly explain on here.

Thank you

Most men have a soft spot for their little girls. Shes is FOUR  years old. Your talking about a FOUR year old rubbing your "adult"  husband the wrong way, pressung his buttons and you dont know how to make her behave so this doesnt occur? So it all stresses you out. My heart goes to the four year old little girl in all this. Take care. I think you heard the truth, it just is overwhelming. Very over whelming. 

You have no need to apologize to me nor do I feel you wasted my time. And you explained it perfectly. If that's your definition of a good man then you are the one that needs help more than him

I sincerely wish you peace of mind

I never said I didn't know how to make her behave so it didn't happen. I'm a good mum. My little girl is a very boisterous child, very vocal and very intelligent. She knows exactly what she's doing. She doesn't do it to me....only to her dad because she knows it winds him up.

But anyway, I came here for advice not to be criticised. But thank you for your time.

And we've given you our advice, which wasn't what you wanted to hear.

You're reading all of our concerns and suddenly your husband hasn't got a problem - your child has!

I'm out of here, too.

Maybe they have some parenting classes in your area and you both can attend together so you are both are on the same page. Maybe thats a better solution to all this. 

I never said he didn't have a problem and I'm not blaming my daughter. I just think your all getting this blown out of proportion. Some how he suddenly became a wife beater and a narcissist, and I don't quite understand where all that came from.

None of you need to worry about yourselves about my daughter, believe it or not, she has a very good life. She has everything she could possibly want and is loved by everyone around her. I certainly don't fear for her safety. Mainly because I would never let that happen, but I also know my husband would never hurt her.

But think what you want. I made a huge mistake coming onto here, it's not the first time I've made a mistake coming onto a forum like this. I should have just waited until my therapist was back from her holiday.

I have suggested to him that maybe he should go to a father parenting class, and also getting into some sort of anger management class. He seemed to respond to that quite well.

This was the sort of help I wanted.

Thank you

Instead of pointing the finger at him alone you two should go to parenting classes together. It would be nicer and you can address an example of a situation and both hear the answers together. Make it a pleasant experience and one you share together. Even maybe go for some kind of coffee and cake together after. That way no animosity forms and its not like anyone is pointing fingers at each ither. Your both parent together so why not right?  Sounds like a good plan.

You both go together and you have two built in baby sitters ( the 12 and 18yr old) so no worries and definetly try to make it a nice evening after. That way he will connect it with a positive. You will get a lot more accomplished joining him in the class and having a treat after together and you can discuss lightly anything you have felt was useful from the class. Kind of like a date night but with a purpose. 

You shouldn't be feeling attacked, only you know what goes on. This is suppose to be a place of help not ridicule. Tomorrow is a new day and I do hope progress is made in a positive direction love.

I'm just going to jump in here and give you some very very true advise I'm 40 years old and I've seen and lived in the situation your are living. I watched my mother walk on eggshells around my father he was a verbal abuser and would punch walls and doors. Honey that went on for awhile then it became my mother that was the one that was being hit not the walls or the doors. She kept trying to do everything not to make him get short tempered or agitated. Nothing worked because it wasn't my mother nor I that created the man that he was. One night out of the blue he turned for the worse I could swear as to this day the devil was in that man he tried to kill my mother and had whipped me that night til I had bruises on me from the whipping. Don't ever think you truly know someone because they can turn into someone you don't know. My mother always thought the same he won't ever hurt me he just get tempered and get verbally abusive. That's how it starts out I pray you and your children will remain safe and please get in therapy get him on meds to control his temper. And really think about yours and your children's safety.

I'm really sorry your mum went through that with your dad. I've also seen that happen too and been in a relationship like that. Which is why I know my husband would never lay a hand on me or our daughter. The consequences would be too dire for him if he ever did.

Our little is a handful at times. She is such a beautiful child and really lovely and caring, but when she gets a bee in her bonnet she can really kick off. To be honest she drives us all nuts some days. My 12 year old daughter hates coming out with us because she finds it really stressful. My little girl and her dad are so alike, as general people they are amazing, but when things don't go the way they want them to, everyone needs to move aside. And when that mix happens at the same time, it causes a lot of anxiety for whomever is in the room. I want my husband to learn to control his reactions so he can teach our little girl the right way to control hers, so she learns the right way, by example, instead of the wrong way. Because at the moment, I'm fighting a losing battle with her. Im trying to bring her up the way I did my other three children, but it's difficult when I'm constantly trying to tell him he needs to just let her do her thing and get it out of her system, instead of reacting to it.

I know what a good man is and I know what a bad man is. I've been around plenty of bad men in my 40 years of life. I know the difference. My husband is a good man at heart. I want to help him not push him away. My children love him and he loves them, even though they aren't his blood. He was spoilt because when we got together my youngest was only four and she was such an easy child, I think he thought when we had one together she'd be the same, but she's not. She's a handful and he's just not used to that. He's younger than me and has had no experience with children, so he really doesn't know what to do. I keep telling him to just ignore her, because she will get bored and stop, but he just can't do it, so he reacts, which makes her worse and so it becomes a battle of wills. I've told him he needs to stop acting like a five year old or to just let me deal with her. He's just struggling. I'm not going to throw him away just because he's finding being a father to a hyper active child difficult. What sort of person would that make me? And how would that look to our daughter?