My Life is Worthless. Why Can't I Just Die?

Mandy,

Sorry it took me so long to reply back to you. Knowing my abusers, they probably wouldn't give it a second through if I did kill myself. However, I'm also worried about one of them. She ended up majoring in psychology and I ended up graduating the same year that she did. So knowing that she has knowledge in how to manipulate people's minds, it's terrifying to even think about the kinds of things she could do to other people. I even told her when we were still roommates that if she ever pulled the stuff that she pulled on me with a client or a boss, she would be fired. One of these days, karma is going to give her a harsh reality check and I hope for her sake and for the sake of others that it comes sooner than later.

I went to the psychiatrist today to review my medications. He and I discussed using a mood stabolizer or an anti-psychotic. With all of my medications and health issues, he felt the safest option to start off with would a mood stabolizer (I forgot the name of it, but I think it started with a "T", but I don't know for sure until I pick it up from the chemist/pharmacist) over the course of a month. We're going to start it off with a low dose and then work our way up to a theraputic dose if my body can tolerate it. So hopefully, things start looking a little better. 

Again, really sorry I didn't get back to you right away. But when I first read your comment, I really took it to heart and I appreciate your kind words and support. Thanks again. XxX

No no, it didn't upset me. I thought it was very moving and I really appreciated it. =)

Hypercat,

Sorry about taking so long to get back to you. I needed a little more time to compose my thoughts about your comment. But now, I am finally ready to reply to your comment.

That's exactly one of the reasons why I haven't killed myself yet. I've heard horror stories about people who have survived suicide and were severely disfigured, paralyzed, etc. It's been through sheer willpower that I haven't attempted suicide yet.

Sometimes I wonder if it is my fault for having these illnesses. There are some things I can do about them, like follow a stricter diet and get more exercize (which I already have trouble doing due to issues with my feet), or even taking my medication the way I'm supposed to. One medication I was taking I had to stop taking because the smell of it was so bad that I would just gag every time I had to open the bottle. I still wonder why good people get sick while the wicked continue to thrive with their health. Why doesn't the leader of North Korea have cancer yet if he's so evil, and instead my sweet grandmother who hasn't hurt anybody with her existance die slowly and painfully from a rare cancer? Sometimes I wonder if God doesn't actually care at all or if he really isn't as perfect as we mortals make him seem to be. Or if God is just a bored, sadistic individual and just want to be entertained by the toils of humankind. I've tried to become Atheist with this kind of thinking, but I've yet to succeed in doing so.

If you asked my friends and family, they would say that I've done a lot of great things. even made some great "lemonade". But being so modest, I tend to dismiss a lot of things as just being in my nature. 

When my half-brother killed himself, my step-mother was very distraught. She ended up having a stroke from how stressed out it made her. Since I had just lost my grandmother to cancer two months prior to my half brother killing himself, my mother and father decided they would tell me when they felt I was ready. So I didn't know that my half-brother had died until 7 MONTHS LATER when I convinced my father to tell me. I wasn't as distraught as when my grandmother died because I was much closer to her than I was with my half-brother. With the help of my half-brother's spirit, I have come out to my mother and father about having suicidal thoughts. Thankfully, both of my parents have been very supportive of me getting the help that I need. I haven't told any other family members about my cutting or suicidal thoughts, but I do know that my mother talks with her younger sister (my aunt) about it, so I'm pretty sure she also knows.

I love doing volunteer work, as it makes up the majority of my experieces on my resume. However, as I told Msky below you is that my my family has ridiculed me for prefering volunteer work over paid work. There was a nursing home run by nuns that I used to volunteer at, but because my mother wanted me to ask them for a job and because I didn't feel it was right to be asking the nuns for money they don't have, I didn't volunteer there again. I feel being paid for volunteer work goes against the whole idea of what it means to volunteer. In addition, because of how polarized America is right now (which is where I live), every little thing I do is going to be judged by somebody somewhere. If I don't do anything and just sit here, well then I must be lazy. If I volunteer for a religious organization, well then I must be homophobic, If I don't like to do things in the inner cities, oh then I must be a white supremacist. So on and so forth. It's always something that somebody doesn't like that makes me afraid to do anything outside my own home. We Americans are so focused on only looking for the bad in others that we've lost sight of the actual good in people. And I feel like everywhere I go I have to apologize for being American because we've made such a mockery of ourselves.

Thankfully, I just met my psychiatrist today and I'm going to get started on a mood stabolizer soon. I hope it won't make me hyperactive like Prozac has or bring dizzy, spacy, and having severe night terrors like I had with Lexapro. I am still seeing my psychotherapist and he's help tremendously. I still not sure when things are going to get better or if they ever will. But until then, I certainly have to try and do what I need to do to try and get better. Again, I'm sorry it took me so long to finally reply to your comment. But I definitely want to thank you for your kind words and support. Thank you very, very much. XxX

Msky,

I have done a lot of volunteering. There was a nursing home that I enjoyed volunteering at for a couple of summers. My parents, however, were giving me a hard time because I wasn't getting paid for what I was doing and encouraged me to ask the nursing home for a job. That's all well and good, but this nursing home in particular is run by nuns and I didn't have the heart to ask the mother superior to pay me. So I didn't volunteer there again. 

I would love to start voluntering again, but I know as soon as I do, I'm going to be ridiculed for not asking people to pay me for volunteering, which defeats the whole purpose of volunteer work.

Daniel,

One major problem with being a woman with Aspergers is that it gets so easily misdiagnosed. One psychological evaluation that I had said that I'm not Autistic and that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. But guess what? Women with Asperger's are usually misdiagnosed with BPD if they are diagnosed at all later in life. So it's almost like Autistic boy have it easier (sort of) in that they're much more easily diagnosed. In addition, I have documentation of having Autism from multiple doctors. So it sort of felt like this one guy just decides to throw a wrench into my life to complicate things, which completely messes with my own personal psyche in being given false hope that I was never Autistic to begin with. It's like I have this big metal ball shackled around my ankle and that the misdiagnosis temporarily broke me free of those chains. But no. It's always been there and it's always going to be there. In my opinion, one thing that led to the misdiagnosis was that because I have been on Adderall for over 15 years, I have become VERY high functioning, dare I say almost neurotypical. (I know it's a dumb term, but bare with me. I prefer that term over "normal." But that's a rant for anther day.) So of course, it would show up as having a personality disorder instead of what all the doctors and psychiatrists have been telling my family and I all my life.

The problem with finding groups is that I feel very insecure about putting myself out there. To put my trust in someone is almost like a right of passage. Because if you betray that trust (and I'm talking major offenses here, like waiting 8 months to tell me that my step-brother killed himself), there will be dire consequences in that relationship with me, whether it be romantic, friendship, or acquaintance. The groups that are for disabled individuals are usually for those that have low-functioning Autism or other severe disabilities, such as cerebral palsy. (I would know since I practically grew up in these kinds of organizations and activities throughout my childhood.) And since there are very few programs strictly for high-functioning people like myself, it can feel very alienating to me. The group of best friends that I do have, I wouldn't want them all in the same room together. (Except for maybe two of them because I know those two can get along.) The other problem is that since I'm the only one of my best friends that has a driver's license and a car, I am automatically the driver for anything we want to do, which also puts even more stress on me since one of them I have to pay a toll to go on the most direct route to go see her. (If I took the free roads, it would take almost an hour and a half of driving just to go see her. The toll road takes 45 minutes ON A GOOD DAY. (That's without traffic back-ups or weather-related issues.))

That is the hardest thing for me. Very rarely do I ever discuss my Autism with anybody because there is such a stigma surrounding it. I would rather be seen as a person with severe depression that "the Autistic one." Nothing good has come from having Autism nor will there ever be. Until that stigma is changed or abolished, there will always be fear in my heart. I do appreciate your kind words, however, and will try to take them to heart. Thank you so much.

Also, I would certainly love to discuss more with you in emails. Is there any way to send somebody a private message on this site? I'm still very new here. ^^;

So in response to you I would suggest that you focus on a few FACTS.

You ARE a unique person and someday you will acknowledge just how beautiful and fantastic you are. If there were not people like you then the rest of humanity would but a pool of everyone who looks identical and behaves the same. We are not on this earth and born to live and breathe and experience life just for the amusement of the people we live with.

To to start of you can either see yourself as a slave to other peoples interests or a person in your own right.

Actually what you need to deel with this negative and self destructive perception of yourself. Its actually not true and not healthy. i know where it come from and i know accept it.

in my experience of life Autism however real it may appear to be is a man made label to describe a set of thinking and behaviour patterns that does not conform to the norm of everybody else. What you need to do is see you and accept you. You need to grow into that place where when you wake up everyday you are happy at what you see and can live with. then you can build the tools to begin to cope with the rubbish that your friends and society may throw at you so that you can challenge them and then build relationships for you that help you and give you a life worth living. Yes you can pm me. but i must warn you that my commneting is mostly factual rather than emotional. Just use the lettre box tab to the left under your dragonfly26 name.

So my brother and mother are autistic. My wife has bipolar and I have just come of anti depressants and i have had suicidal thoughts sporadically ALL my life. so welcome to my world. today the sun is shining its  beautiful to be alive.  Whats your news.

What a lovely post daniela. I also love to help people and find the unconditional love of animals a wonderful thing ???. Good luck to both u & dragonfly xxx

Daniela,

The bullying started out of a misunderstanding. I had complained on a blog site about my roommates blaring rap music at all hours of the day and night. A couple days later, they found my post and called the police on me, saying it was a hate crime (which it wasn't and the police knew that). I apologized to them personally and on the site, but that wasn't enough in their eyes. In their minds, I had to pay. They turned up the thermostat really high so I would have intense headaches from the heat, forcing me to keep my window open, even in the coming winter months. I went 10 weeks without a shower, using perfume to smell descent. I went 6 weeks without using the toilet and got a UTI (urinary tract infection) from relieving myself in empty water bottles in my room. They stole many things from me just to get under my skin, such as knives, a can opener, towels, etc. The stress of it all was so great that I dropped from two classes, going from 15 credit hours that semester, to 9 credit hours. Thankfully, the four of us had our own rooms so I had a "safe" (if you can even call it that) place to get away from them, but it still felt like a prison in those 4 walls. The worst part of it all is that the university knew this was all going on, as I had reported it to them repeatedly, but they didn't do a single thing about it. They kept telling me I should "move out" of my dormroom, even though the other two weren't going to be punished for the blatent crimes they committed! They could've done something, but apparently here in America, the word of one disabled white woman is outweighted by the words of two non-disabled non-white women. ( would like to note that I am NOT a white supremacist of any kind. I'm trying to explain this as best as I can and these are the words I chose to describe it. From EXPERIENCE, not from a hatred of other persons. Assuming that someone is a white supremacist simply because they are white and dislike rap music is as bad as actual white supremacists!) I even had many of the incidents recorded on camera and showed the university the footage on a near weekly basis. They still did nothing about it even with all the evidence against my abusers.

I've been bullied throughout primary school as well. For instance, here in America, it's common for women to shave their arms, legs, arm pits, pubis (depends on the woman, though), etc. I was once made fun of for something as petty as choosing not to shave my arms! They aren't even that harry anyway! It's funny (if you can call it that) that we called stuff like this "bullying" when it involves children and teenagers. But as soon as there are adults involved in the situation, it becomes "abuse". If you ask me, I think the world should stop using the soft term "bullying" and call it what it really is: "peer abuse". 

Where did you initially come from? I'm curious. You've certainly been through a lot, too. I assume by here you mean England? Sadly, I can't really relate to your loneliness since I never lived abroad except for traveling.

I absolutely adore cats! My mother and I have two of them and they both love me very much. I still long for human acceptance, though. I don't know why I would after all I've been through, but there are still some nice people in this world, but they are certainly hard to find.

I'd certainly like to become friends with you if you'd like to. You seem like a very nice person. And thank you for reaching out to me. God bless.

Hey dragonfly. I posted a week ago. And want u to know the world has some lovely people & ur one of them. So yr absolutely right, sometimes wen yr not looking they r closer than u think. Xxx

Amanda,

I do plan on replying to your comment and I'm sorry I haven't gotten to it yet. I just need a little more time to compose my thoughts on it. But don't worry, I will be replying to your comment shortly. In the meantime, thank you again for your kind words. Xxx

Ohhhh there's no rush huni just wanted u to know how special u are. And those ppl are rotten who did that to u. How insecure they must be. Shame on the university who think thats ok! Then again ive read about many fraternity parties gone wrong & cover ups including rape and murder so it doesn't suprise me!! Take care & msg whenever your'e ready. Xx ??

Hi Dragonfly I apologise for not replying sooner to you.

I am so sorry for this and I just did not open my emails as I been very stressed and anxious lately and I could not think about myself and could not possible do things for myself.

My son Alex who is nearly 16 was poorly with a viral infection and he stayed whole week at home that was nearly two weeks ago and I had to take him to the health clinic nearly every day to stop the school to take me to court as they did last year as Alex had a 75 percent school attendance .

My lawyer advised me to take Alex to doctor every time he is poorly and ask for the appointment card as this will be proof for school and to protect us.

Yes I would like us to be friends .

I was born in Romania .

There are lots of Romanians here who doesn't speak any English or very little and myself and my partner who is British / white English we help lots of Romanians with filling for working tax credits , house benefit , child benefit as here the governments gives money to families who earn less than 15000 per year.

Now back to your story.

I can honestly say OMG how much abuse you had from those nasty people and I agree with you as white people get bullied or nastily abused by black people. Some of them not all of course .

You suffered a lot and it is so cruel , so appalling what they did to you Oh God, and you could not use the toilet or have a shower because of them.

You should take all of them to court for damages .

The University is as bad as the bullies.

You are a victim in all.this and of course all this had a huge impact on your emotional , psychologically and physically development and a huge impact on your state of mind as you questioned everything and you even asked yourself " did I do anything to trigger this response in people ? Do I deserve it ? Why me ?

But the truth is you did not do anything wrong and no one should treat you the way they treat you.

These people who bullied and abused you not only that they are evil people but they also they have a low self esteem and they lack empathy which means they are bloody psychopaths .

You need counselling and yes I am sure there are nice people around too.

Yes I would like to be your friend too , well I could be your mum too as I am much older than you.

Hi dragonfly I read the comment about the word of one disabled white woman being out weighed by the word of two non white disabled women and although you do note you are not a racist some may ask the question why would you bring the colour of the skin into the discussion perhaps for any future discussions you could say your or a word one one is out weighed by two (that in the defence of the adjudication process is often the way and I'm sure is not reflective to the equality policy they have in place) as I'm sure you'll agree people are people black,white,brown, we all have the right to the same standard of life however if you do indeed think that there is an equality problem or you feel the process was unfair you can raise those concerns through the correct channels and often the investigation is swift and direct and sends a powerful message to any that refuse to conform to what is viewed as equality (again I'd like to note here that I know and appreciate that you have indicated that you are not racist my only concern is that some reader may take offence by the indirect accusation and wouldn't want you to be labelled) take care Hun hope all goes well for you x

Thank you for your question. I brought it up because I felt it was necessary to include. Not out of spite for my abusers, but I did want to shed light on the circumstances were in my situation, as coincidental as it is. Maybe it was part of the reason why I never got justice and maybe it wasn't. We'll never know that. But like I said I wanted to show a coincidence for my circumstances. I'm also a person that doesn't believe in certain forms of censorship. I believe that people should be allowed to have reasonable discussions about any and all topics. Obviously there's a time and a place to discuss certain topics, but people shouldn't be completely barred from talking about them. At this point in time, everybody gets offended by just about everything. So no matter what one does, somebody is going to dislike it or take offense to it. And part of my recovery process is to acknowledge that there's always going to be that one person that will never be satisfied with ANYTHING and to just speak your mind rather than walk on eggshells to please that one person. 

I'm probably going to go a bit off topic in this next part, but it does have a point, I swear. I can certainly agree that every human being on this Earth has the same rights as everybody else...to a point. What I mean by that is that not everybody falls neatly into social labels that we've put on people in the modern era. Heck, there are people like me who are all over the place with a wide array of values and beliefs that don't fit in to what is defined as being "the social norm". On top of that, nobody judges people based on merit anymore, especially here in America (at least that's what it seems like to me, and I could be completely wrong here but bear with me). Nowadays, what matters more is if you have big fat labels over us that say "I'M DISABLED" or "I'M AFRICAN-AMERICAN" or "I'M CISGENDERED" and so forth. The media and my peers keep telling me it's to unify everybody and celebrate diversity. In my eyes, it's seen as a vice to divide us further and to alienate people who don't fit the mold. It's puts stigmas on people that they can only be one thing and have this believe and this set of values and so on. For example, say we have a a person who's a Christian. The first things somebody might think about said person is "are they homophobic" or "are they going to impose their beliefs onto me" or "are they anti-women for not being pro-choice". This doesn't just apply to religions, either. This applies to just about everything. Take my case as another example. Being a white disabled woman, the first things that someone judges about me aren't my merits. The first things they judge are my ethnicity and my gender. For my ethnicity, the first things assumed about me is that I'm privelaged, or that maybe I live in a fancy house with fancy cars and have lots of money (or the opposite, that I live in a dump piled high with rubbish), or that maybe they get the impression that I'm part of the KKK. Next is my gender. They might assume that because I'm a women that I should be the object of every man's desires and that if I don't meet that expectation that I'll forever be undesirable, or that I'm feeble and can't stand up for myself. Finally, if I chose to disclose it to them, they would judge my disability. If I tell them that I am, the first thoughts that run through their heads are whether I escaped from a mental hospital or that maybe I'm incapeable of taking care of myself or that I need a nanny to take care of me all the time. Or the opposite, they could think I'm a fraud because I don't look or act like a person with Autism.

My point is that when we get a set stereotype in our heads about a group of indivuals, we superimpose those thoughts and expectations onto the people around us whether it's true or not. And people certainly shouldn't have entitlements for having a fancy label over their head. Obviously there are exceptions to this rule for people who really do need help, but that's what things should be based on; whether you really do need the help or not! And while we're on the subject of labels, one label shouldn't be held higher than another label, but that's what's become of the society I live in. Heck, here in America, some African-Americans are discouaged from even trying to be a responsible member of society by other African-Americans. I saw in a documentary one time that this business man, who also happened to be African-American, was told by other boys in his community that he "wasn't black enough" because he "acted too white." (Please note that those probably aren't the exact words, but know that the idea is still the same.) So because he has a secure job, a descent house, a nice family, and a good salary means that he's no longer considered "black" by other "blacks"?! I nearly fell out of my chair because I couldn't believe what I had just seen and heard! The extents that some people go to alienate others is ludicrous! There are no "white" jobs, or "black" jobs, or "hispanic" jobs, etc. There are HUMAN jobs. For people of flesh and blood with a wide array of merits and capeabilities, most of them undervalued because they don't have a exclusive label, or because they don't live up to the label imposed on them. 

*sigh* I got a lot off my mind by getting all this out. And unfortunately, it's something that CONSTANTLY plagues me and makes me even more depressed. When I'll ever get passed these thoughts, that I don't know. But, again, it's all part of my process of recovering from that tramatic experience. Thanks again for both your comments, Superfluous. They're both much appreciated.

I read your reply with interest Dragonfly.   Whilst I agree with much of what you said,  I have found in my experience you can't reason with stupid people,  and many people certainly are.  But if it suits them who are we to try and change them?  Why bother?   If you feel so strongly why not join in organisations which fight sterotypes?  Or have you?

I spent much time in my youth esposing the causes of women's lib, and objecting to predudice and bigotry of all kinds.  The only place it got me was to be thought 'strange' and called derogotory names.  Now I content myself with the odd thoughful comment instead which is designed to make people think.  It's not only easier on me but  I believe more effective.   

A lot of people are aware the world is unfair and that predudice and bigotry are rampant but you can only change your corner of it.  Most people are too busy trying to survive without taking the world on. 

I will leave you with a quote by Mark Twain.

'Never argue with stupid people'   They will reduce your objectivity to subjectivity and beat you every time'    Not exact but as near as I can remember it.  Take care.