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I've overcome a lot of things in my life, but now that I'm an adult I feel absolutely worthless. I was diagnosed with Autism at age 3, making me quite rare since I'm also a girl. I was told I wouldn't be able to do a lot of things. And while I've proven those quacks wrong by graduating from primary school and from a university, surviving 2 weeks in a foreign country in the company of strangers and without my ADHD medication, and have maintained a small handful of close friend offline, I still don't have anything to live for.
It looks like, from an outside perspective, that I have more than I could possibly want and that I'm just spoiled, angsty, and out for attention. But the truth is that I still have a lot of other issues. I've also been suffering from depression for quite some time. In addition, I'm also a recovering cutter. I have been able to not hurt myself for over a year with the help of medication and psychotherapy. However, I still struggle with suicidal thoughts. Where did they initially come from? Well, these thoughts started when I was abused by my roommates while at the university I was going to. They stole from me, stalked me online and offline, verbally and emotionally bullied me, and discouraged me from using the shower, toilet, or even going to class. This went on for 13 weeks. All the while, my grandmother was dying from cancer and eventually passed during winter break. This has caused me to develope severe social anxiety and very loud thoughts of suicide. While I did eventually go on to graduate from that university, I am still unable to find employment ANYWHERE. I have had only 3 interviews in the past 6 months, only to be turned away simply because of my reluctance to work a cash register. I understand that this is impossible to run away from, but I feel so discouraged and worthless that I'm 23 and unable to find a job and support myself. Instead, I have to rely on my family, which I'd rather not do, but have to because I would be homeless otherwise.
Those suicidal thoughts have come back into my life again despite not hurting myself in over a year. I am having my extensive medication list reviewed by a psychietrist to see if something needs to be changed or if something can be added to my current treatment for depression and anxiety. The important thing is finding medications that won't interact with my other medications for PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome), high insulin levels/insulin resistance/Pre-Diabetes, and Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease. In all honesty, I feel that my life is a waste of time, money, food, water, and air. And I pray every night to die in my sleep and never wake up. But that never happens. And I don't have the courage to commit suicide like my step brother did. So I continue to sit here in my chair day after day just....existing. Doing nothing. Other than being a waste. I would do more, but there's nothing I can do out of fear of rejection. So the question becomes....should I even bother feeing myself and just let my body slowly starve to death? Or end it quicker and drive my car off the road? Or jump off the revine down the road from my house? There are so many options for me to off myself that I don't know which one to go with....even if the obvious answer should be none of them.
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