My Life is Worthless. Why Can't I Just Die?
Posted , 16 users are following.
I've overcome a lot of things in my life, but now that I'm an adult I feel absolutely worthless. I was diagnosed with Autism at age 3, making me quite rare since I'm also a girl. I was told I wouldn't be able to do a lot of things. And while I've proven those quacks wrong by graduating from primary school and from a university, surviving 2 weeks in a foreign country in the company of strangers and without my ADHD medication, and have maintained a small handful of close friend offline, I still don't have anything to live for.
It looks like, from an outside perspective, that I have more than I could possibly want and that I'm just spoiled, angsty, and out for attention. But the truth is that I still have a lot of other issues. I've also been suffering from depression for quite some time. In addition, I'm also a recovering cutter. I have been able to not hurt myself for over a year with the help of medication and psychotherapy. However, I still struggle with suicidal thoughts. Where did they initially come from? Well, these thoughts started when I was abused by my roommates while at the university I was going to. They stole from me, stalked me online and offline, verbally and emotionally bullied me, and discouraged me from using the shower, toilet, or even going to class. This went on for 13 weeks. All the while, my grandmother was dying from cancer and eventually passed during winter break. This has caused me to develope severe social anxiety and very loud thoughts of suicide. While I did eventually go on to graduate from that university, I am still unable to find employment ANYWHERE. I have had only 3 interviews in the past 6 months, only to be turned away simply because of my reluctance to work a cash register. I understand that this is impossible to run away from, but I feel so discouraged and worthless that I'm 23 and unable to find a job and support myself. Instead, I have to rely on my family, which I'd rather not do, but have to because I would be homeless otherwise.
Those suicidal thoughts have come back into my life again despite not hurting myself in over a year. I am having my extensive medication list reviewed by a psychietrist to see if something needs to be changed or if something can be added to my current treatment for depression and anxiety. The important thing is finding medications that won't interact with my other medications for PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome), high insulin levels/insulin resistance/Pre-Diabetes, and Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease. In all honesty, I feel that my life is a waste of time, money, food, water, and air. And I pray every night to die in my sleep and never wake up. But that never happens. And I don't have the courage to commit suicide like my step brother did. So I continue to sit here in my chair day after day just....existing. Doing nothing. Other than being a waste. I would do more, but there's nothing I can do out of fear of rejection. So the question becomes....should I even bother feeing myself and just let my body slowly starve to death? Or end it quicker and drive my car off the road? Or jump off the revine down the road from my house? There are so many options for me to off myself that I don't know which one to go with....even if the obvious answer should be none of them.
6 likes, 54 replies
Hakuna_matata Dragonfly26
Posted
Hi I read your story and my heart was ripped out how people can be so mean to each other is beyond me.
I understand the social anxiety you feel and why working a cash register could be quite distressing for you
Once you have suffered at the hands of somebody else you lose the confidence and maybe even feel that your unliked or worthy of being liked of course this is sub-conscious thought the truth I think is no-body in the world is comfortable with themselves and when your bullied it just applifies those feelings of hated toward yourself
We such for answers as to why people don't like is yet never consider the true reason
Jealousy! Bullies bully because they see someone whom they consider to be better than themselves for what ever reason looks,intelligence,or persona one one wants to be second place Hun for second place is still first loser.
And so they try to steal that winners wind from the sails that drive them a true winner is his/her own biggest critic and therefore very receptive to negative feedback yet not so receptive to positive feedback we all want to be popular and loved it's human nature to want to be wanted to want people to want you around however these individuals whom are in fear that they may come second place to somebody else try to bully the competition into submitting or throwing in the towel.
What you have done is allowed they to make you feel your not worthy babe and that's so wrong you are twice the person they will ever be and the specail and most admirable thing about it is you've done it alone and not as they have manipulated things via bulling to have them stack in your favour you are so much better as a person you need to stay strong find that power and strength that you have and show the world you will not be bullied out of your dreams you would just slip away your going to grab the horns of life and tell those second places to step aside a winner is coming through I'm so happy you have an interview and your last one went well you go out there and show those bullies no matter what they say or do you will not be pushed aside to make it easier for them to get to the top you go out there and show them your a winner and you'll beat them with your integrity and dignity intact your an intelligent lady you go out there and show them that you are the firework Katy Perry sings about hold your head up high claim back the confidence they stole from you your a winner that's what you need to realise good luck today with your interview I'm routeing for you
amanda35274 Hakuna_matata
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amanda35274
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Above post obv for superflous sou & dragonfly combined xx
Dragonfly26 amanda35274
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Funny story, I went to another local store that I had applied to back in January. For that company, applications expire every 60 days. So since mine was about to expire and I had to buy some art supplies from them anyway, I asked them about the status of my application. I then spoke with a manager and they offered me an interview today. Since I didn't have another copy of my resume with me, I had to politely decline doing it today. Thankfully, they have time open tomorrow. So now I have a THIRD job interview tomorrow. Third day in a row! I need all the luck I can get for sure. Thank you guys so much for all your support.
Also, Superflous, I will reply to your post. I just need a little bit of time to process the information and think about a response. So I will get to you, please be patient.
amanda35274 Dragonfly26
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Wow so happy for u. Look how things can turn around xxx all interviews are great practice too they are good to help u be as confident & as good as u can be. But 3 in a row. Well done u xxx
Dragonfly26 Hakuna_matata
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Superfluous,
Thank you so much for your kindness and support. Since all of those interviews, I finally have secured a job and will be starting it this Friday. I'm so nervous that I can't really seem to sit still. Or stop myself from crying. Sometimes it feels like no matter what kind of good things happen to me, my mind always tries to find a negative in something. It's super hard to look past that when I've been doing it for so long.
Sometimes I catch myself trying to sympathize with the two girls who abused me. And then an internal battle ensues between wanting to see them as good people deep down and aknowledging that what they did to me was inexcuseable. Then I start to kid myself that maybe they never really abused me in the first place and I'm just crazy like they said I was. After all, it was two girls against one. But rather than intentially confusing myself with hypotheticals of "oh, maybe they didn't really mean to do that" or "they were just confused teenagers who didn't know any better", I prefer to look at the situation from a factual perspective and say "this is what they did to me and these are the repercussions from that in which I now have to live with." This is because I never want to make that mistake ever again.
Again, sorry it took me so late to reply to your first comment. I also had a lot of things with banking that I had to get straightened out before I start work and even making sure that I got the job in the first place. So I'm going to finish this comment with a reply to your other comment. Thanks again for everything you've said to me.
amanda35274 Dragonfly26
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Hakuna_matata Dragonfly26
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I'm so happy for you and knew you could do it and prove to yourself you are worth people's time and thoughts
Not only now have you proves to yourself you have all our support you did so well in your interview someone that knows nothing about your experances has seen you as an ideal candidate for a job
Therefore this is not a job you got because anyone pittied you you got the job because of your hard work perseverance and because you managed to convince them your worth a shot you will do very well to remember that you got it all on your own you should rightly feel awesome you stay strong and you go show the world what an awesome person you are despite you tough experances
I'm really really made up for you xxx that's three kisses I never do that that's how happy I am for you lol
amanda35274 Dragonfly26
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Dragonfly26 amanda35274
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amanda35274 Dragonfly26
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Dragonfly26 amanda35274
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amanda35274 Dragonfly26
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brian71521 Dragonfly26
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I don't know you but know that I love you.
niabbia Dragonfly26
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Hey I’m nioni and I’m 13 years old. Your story made me truly sad and I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened or happening in your life. I hope you know that there’s always hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. For the people that don’t give up they end up being blessed in the end and they get a bonus: feeling strong for going through so much and overcoming all those obstacles in their lives. Please keep fighting you’re doing great and improving whether you know it or not. Like how you told your roommate she would get fired if she did stuff like that to her clients. You can fight back you got this. Don’t stop believing. Love you ??????
amanda35274 niabbia
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You seem wise beyond your years and i just hope the reason you stumbled across this site isnt because you are sad?? If so i hope you can talk to people and let your feelings out as u did here to help dragonfly.. as you have lots to experience and enjoy with being so young. And if it was not then carry on being happy and apologies for any asumption :0). Take care. Xx