My Life is Worthless. Why Can't I Just Die?
Posted , 16 users are following.
I've overcome a lot of things in my life, but now that I'm an adult I feel absolutely worthless. I was diagnosed with Autism at age 3, making me quite rare since I'm also a girl. I was told I wouldn't be able to do a lot of things. And while I've proven those quacks wrong by graduating from primary school and from a university, surviving 2 weeks in a foreign country in the company of strangers and without my ADHD medication, and have maintained a small handful of close friend offline, I still don't have anything to live for.
It looks like, from an outside perspective, that I have more than I could possibly want and that I'm just spoiled, angsty, and out for attention. But the truth is that I still have a lot of other issues. I've also been suffering from depression for quite some time. In addition, I'm also a recovering cutter. I have been able to not hurt myself for over a year with the help of medication and psychotherapy. However, I still struggle with suicidal thoughts. Where did they initially come from? Well, these thoughts started when I was abused by my roommates while at the university I was going to. They stole from me, stalked me online and offline, verbally and emotionally bullied me, and discouraged me from using the shower, toilet, or even going to class. This went on for 13 weeks. All the while, my grandmother was dying from cancer and eventually passed during winter break. This has caused me to develope severe social anxiety and very loud thoughts of suicide. While I did eventually go on to graduate from that university, I am still unable to find employment ANYWHERE. I have had only 3 interviews in the past 6 months, only to be turned away simply because of my reluctance to work a cash register. I understand that this is impossible to run away from, but I feel so discouraged and worthless that I'm 23 and unable to find a job and support myself. Instead, I have to rely on my family, which I'd rather not do, but have to because I would be homeless otherwise.
Those suicidal thoughts have come back into my life again despite not hurting myself in over a year. I am having my extensive medication list reviewed by a psychietrist to see if something needs to be changed or if something can be added to my current treatment for depression and anxiety. The important thing is finding medications that won't interact with my other medications for PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome), high insulin levels/insulin resistance/Pre-Diabetes, and Non-Alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease. In all honesty, I feel that my life is a waste of time, money, food, water, and air. And I pray every night to die in my sleep and never wake up. But that never happens. And I don't have the courage to commit suicide like my step brother did. So I continue to sit here in my chair day after day just....existing. Doing nothing. Other than being a waste. I would do more, but there's nothing I can do out of fear of rejection. So the question becomes....should I even bother feeing myself and just let my body slowly starve to death? Or end it quicker and drive my car off the road? Or jump off the revine down the road from my house? There are so many options for me to off myself that I don't know which one to go with....even if the obvious answer should be none of them.
6 likes, 54 replies
alan97266 Dragonfly26
Posted
Well
I don't know about your situation, I hope for you it has improved. Packing it in at your age is not a good idea, you have a lot more adventuring to do. Sorry to hear your on so many meds, I hope you can find a good pharmacist to review them to make sure their are no interactions.
Its tough to work straight out of school, often it takes some time to click. I would suggest looking for an institutional job at a hospital or in government where your life experiences become an asset.
Sometimes the national guard is a good start.
Bullying infuriates me. I am 52, a newly elected official and both other elected officials and their staff
have tried bullying me. This to me is a challenge to show them how it is done, to make sure the public realizes how ignorant and pathetic they are. Call your bullys out in public it will not go well for them.
With respect to wanting to die, I get this.
At a point you feel you have done what you want, you realize that the world is a place full of hypocrites and malcontents that spread their influence where they can. You see all the good people in your life have gone to heaven or will be going there soon and you hope and desire that heaven comes for you as well. People may say to you there is no heaven, but you think better that, then more time with them. I suggest you volunteer, get a job, meet someone nice and live for a while and then look at again in 30 or 40 years. Travel a bit, if you volunteer your costs may be covered.
Go work at Costco (Ive never worked there but I hear they treat their team well)
Then if in 30 years you feel hopeless go do your adventure bucket list.
Swim with sharks, skydiving or the like
hugs your way. tah tah
sam18386 Dragonfly26
Posted
Hi Dragonfly, i am the 45 year old girl whose parents knew there was something a miss from when i was tiny. I am one of a rare few like you who has Dyspraxia, not as severe as autism but bad enough. With these disabilities people generally don't understand what knock on effects these difficulties have on your mental health. It's tough to speak to what the Americans call therapists but you have to trying to get the words out is s struggle. Do you struggle with this? I currently see a counsellor but am really struggling to speak so i've written down what i need to say, as my counselling is for rape because i also had that pleasure when i was younger. They exploit people who find it tough. Society doesn't understand us. Private message me if you want - we are a rare breed. And no i won't take medication i also have health problems so more medication would worsen my health.
gadislade Dragonfly26
Posted
Well, I can understand your story really if suicide is a particular solution then it would be good. But unfortunately, it's not. There is nobody single who has no problems in his life. But quitting is not a solution. Be strong man. Never give up and go ahead. You'll definitely get success.
patient_mod2 Dragonfly26
Posted
Hello Dragonfly26
We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.
If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.
Kindest regards
Patient
sam18386 Dragonfly26
Posted
Hi dragonfly just to say if i wasn't allowed to go a few weeks back neither are you. You stay where your needed. We'll support you on here, sometimes family and friends make matters worse. Just take each day slowly.
emmac23 Dragonfly26
Posted
This was written quite some time back, I just hope things have improved for you and that you've found some hope and happiness. My thoughts are with you. Keep your head up.
Emma - 22 yrs - UK