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My Own Fault

Posted , 9 users are following.

vickylou
vickylou

some of the longer members on this forum that my first grandson was born last October. I was going to have him two days a week which I was really happy about.

However, one of the conditions was that I only drank socially or at night. Unfortunately alcohol and I had two two day binges. One in January and one in April.

after a family discussion we all agreed I was unreliable, which I fully accept. Anyway, daughter in law went back to work this week and he's going to his other grandmas twice a week and nursery twice a week.

To say I'm mad with myself is an understatement! I've lost precious time looking after him and doing what my friends do, what normal people do.

I went out with the "ladies who lunch" yesterday and they were all talking about how great being a grandparent is. You get all the fun time and hand them back at the end of the day.

Today I was so angry and mad at myself that I'd chosen alcohol over my grandson. Decided to go and buy wine this morning, and spend the day feeling sorry for myself. By some miracle, I got to the shop and suddenly changed my mind and came back with San pelegrino water instead!

I know it's my own fault, just feel so cross and mad. Sorry for moaning, but needed to tell folks. Thanks for listening.

1 like, 26 replies

26 Replies

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  • patricia44773
    patricia44773 vickylou

    Posted

    That's so sad Vickylou, I understand what you must be feeling and I wish I could give you a hug.

    Pat.

    • vickylou
      vickylou patricia44773

      Posted

      Thanks pat, I don't blame them as I would have been exactly the same with my three kids. Yes it is sad, and I only have myself to blame.

      My husband hopefully will be taking early retirement at Christmas (if they make it worth his while!), if he does, then we can have him from January 2017.

      I can't even blame it on stress or financial difficulties. I've got the life of Reilly (or so people think) I can do what I want. When I want. I know I've got two much time on my hands, need to find a hobby, or do something. I do help as a volunteer advocacy for vunerable adults, about twice a month.

  • vickylou
    vickylou

    Posted

    Should have said "some of the longer members may remember" sorry, wish there was an edit key!
  • Paper_fairy
    Paper_fairy vickylou

    Posted

    Oh Vickylou I am so sad for you. I'm sure in time they will change their minds. You've got to get back on the naltrexone and/or campral. You can do it, I've got faith in you. Sending you my blessings and prayers 🙏❤️
  • Paper_fairy
    Paper_fairy vickylou

    Posted

    Plus my daughter took my beloved cocker spaniel off me last October and won't let me have her back until I'm several months sober. Not quite the same but I miss her so much xxx
  • PaulJTurner1964
    PaulJTurner1964 vickylou

    Posted

    You didn't CHOOSE, you have an illness which makes you crave alcohol, it isn't much different to a person in pain craving a pain killer to relieve the nightmare. You need to treat the source of the problem which is, as you know, in my view, reconditioning your opioid receptors using The Sinclair Method.

    Try not to beat yourself up about it. Too many people have been brainwashed that Alcohol Use Disorder is a lifestyle choice and it certainly is NOT.

    • alexandra00711
      alexandra00711 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      Thank you for re-enforcing that it's an illness and that so many people have been brainwashed and the pratictial advice.  Its sad that so many people seem to want to punish us alcoholics into getting well when its something we've got to come to terms with and deal with.  
  • Sober_As
    Sober_As vickylou

    Posted

    Oh Vickylou, I am sad to know of your situation.  What on earth is this blasted curse on us ?  I don't have any grandchildren... but I know that I would not be deemed a " responsible adult", for baby- minding.  My adult children Know Me So Well.

    I am good, but... flawed.  

    Your family have to protect the baby.  Unreliable is... exactly that.

    Where are you now, on this God forsaken freakin' journey?

    I am travel-weary !!

    Alonangel 😩

    • vickylou
      vickylou Sober_As

      Posted

      hi alonangel

      thank you for thinking of me. Just wish I could sleep. I dread going to bed as I know I'll just be awake for hours.

      i know you have trouble sleeping, what do you do? If I'm lucky I might drop off around 3am. I often have nights when I don't sleep at all.

    • Sober_As
      Sober_As vickylou

      Posted

      I'm on the iPad, as usual. I don't even expect to sleep normally anymore.  

      I look on here.  I look on eBay.  I watch some iPlayer.  I watch YouTube. I shop... all sorts of places.  I just don't sleep !

      At least I don't drink during the night !!

    • h1954
      h1954 Sober_As

      Posted

      The light from your iPad will keep you awake, angel, it's the kind of light that tricks you into thinking it's daytime and being awake. Have you tried reading a book or magazine instead. Not sleeping is really no fun.
    • Sober_As
      Sober_As h1954

      Posted

      Yes, I know about the light thing, but it is the lesser of two evils... If I put on bedside lamp, it awakes husband !  Well, it wouldn't do to disturb his megasnoring !!

      I dozed off about 7 a.m.  Awake again at 9.15

  • Paper_fairy
    Paper_fairy vickylou

    Posted

    Yep me too. Re iPad. Just can't get into reading at the mo or watch tv. Can't believe it's light and birds are singing!! X
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