My partner is an alcoholic and I want him to leave but just feel so stuck

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hello, I'm new here and just joined today. I've been reading a thread about being with an alcoholic partner and it has really helped me, especially in feeling that I'm not alone in my situation. That thread seems a bit dated so I thought I would briefly explain where I am now, as I am trying to get the courage up to finish our relationship. 

My partner is a functioning alcoholic. We've been together 4 years and he has lived with me for 3 years, in my small flat. He's 52, I'm 49. We met online, and with the benefit of hindsight I know now that I was taken in with his hedonism and generosity, and he encouraged me to follow my dream of being a painter. He was  sweet and kind and generous. And I had no real understanding of his addiction to alcohol. ... Fast forward to where we are now. I have tried to get him to address his drinking many times over the last few years. I can't be bothered now, because I'm exhausted with every single thing being about him , everyday checking if he's left the gas hob on, the back door open,these things may sound petty to him but I don't feel safe. And he thinks I'm nagging for the fun of it. 

I know I have to look after my myself and my mental health because he's not fussed about me as long as he can have a drink. About a year ago I was still tuning into the sound of another bottle of wine being opened in the kitchen, still looking in the cupboard under the counter and finding 2 extra bottles there when he was pretending to be drinking from only one, Still letting him kiss me with wine breath and sleep next to me while grinding his teeth and shouting out in the night. Still letting him drive me to work with about (at least ) 20 units of alcohol in his system. I could go on....so much soul destroying and manipulative behaviour , but I really just want to work out how to get around the practicalities of finishing our relationship. I don't love him and I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me. I don't see how he can love anything as much as wine. I own our flat and I want him to move out and find somewhere else to live. Despite  having a decent job which he hangs on to by working at home ( nobody smells the booze or experiences the black moods) he never has any money and he certainly can't pay a deposit to move into a new flat here. He doesn't want his elderly parents to ever know that he's an alcoholic and he doesn't have friends or family in this part of the country ( I took on an antisocial loner). So to be honest I'm afraid that he will end up drinking on the street, and I don't know what the answer is. I went to an  Al Anon meeting and they said I had to let him sort it out for himself. He doesn't look at me, smile at me ( I'm not asking for much, I don't want a forced grin, it's just that I feel I'm talking to myself and it's very inconvenient for him that I'm even here) and when I try to have a conversation it might last a couple of minutes but we don't talk about anything really. I just want to smile and laugh again and not tread on eggshells. Sorry it's a long post, if anyone can offer any insight and advice I would be so grateful. Thank you x 

 

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  • Posted

    Oh no....yes, you do have to get him to leave...you do need to end it because he won't change....and i know that you are "stuck". sad.  Maybe the big 50 will help you to do what you have to do to end this relationship...i get it...that you have ended the relationship but he won't go.

    ​Where was he living before?  Maybe the threat of telling his family will get him to leave.

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  • Posted

    I understand how hard this must be for you but i agree with Missy2. Maybe the threat of telling his family may work? If he has a got a job could he not stay in a B&B or hotel till he finds something permanant? Maybe you could have a friend or relative there when you ask him to leave? Has he ever been violent when drinking?

    You have to look after yourself in this.

    Best wishes.

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  • Posted

    Okay, Mr.Pragmatic here, I let the others do the emotional stuff.

    First of all though, I found that very sad to read, it didn't surprise me, I put myself in your shoes to really understand what it is you're saying.

    You could just ask him to leave and part amicably and that is it done. However, I think that your message conveys that it would not be as easy as that and it is going to be an uphill struggle, which won't be straight forward, in that case, read on.

    Also, I have been the one in my relationship that liked alcohol too much and know how it can drive you and becomes more important than other things like a relationship. Fortunately it never got a really good hold on me.

    I read through it carefully, and it seems that you have it well thought out, and for you there is nothing left and you want peace of mind back. That is important, because quite often people really mean, they want the old person back and that causes problems with what I'm about to advise.

    First, you're going to have to be really strong willed about this and it won't be an easy ride, but the end result should be worth it.

    I would first go to see the Citizens Advice Bureau and talk through what the process is and what the options are. Contrary to what people tell you, it isn't as simple to just open the door and say leave, because he is unlikely to do that. You need to know legally where you stand, I don't want to know the 'ins' and 'outs' of the relationship, but things like, has he contributed to the house, by way of rent, sharing the bills etc. They will explain to you your situation and what you need to do to evict him (because that is basically what you are doing). They will also tell you what action you can take if he won't leave voluntarily.

    Which leads me nicely onto the next bit. Whilst this is going on (you will probably have an initial CA meeting then they'll book you in with a specialist), you will probably come to dislike the 'lodger' in your home even more. You must keep up appearances and not change any routine, otherwise he may suspect something. Please don't think that people who drink, don't notice things, because they do.

    When you have everything prepared, got all of the advice on what needs done legally and acted upon anything that needs done, plus spoken to the police first if needs be. I would ask the CA that, if you should have a word with them, so that if things don't go to plan, when you call them, they already know what the situation is and are likely to respond more quickly. It is then time to tell him.

    This will not be fun, you are about to see a human being go through a range of emotions, apologetic, concilatory, anger, worry and panic, amongst others. This will come as a bolt out of the blue. He will be thinking, where did this come from, what has he done differently, what has he done this time to upset you so much, it will not occur to him, that this has been percolating away for some time. At the forefront of his mind will be, where am I going to stay.

    And this is where it gets even tougher, because no matter how angry we get, we are all human beings inside, and it is difficult not to feel some remorse for doing something like this. But, hopefull by this point you had already thought through all of this and knew what to expect and still ask him to leave, what deadline you give, depends on how you feel, what the CA says you can do and if you're worried he'll do anything silly. You may want a male friend about for safety, and don't forget the police if there's trouble.

    That should give you some thoughts, if you don't move him out, it would seem difficult to see where the impetus to change is going to come from. If you haven't got the heart to evict on to possibly the streets, I can't see a way out for you. Sensible things like saying you have three months, get saving for a deposit don't usually work in these situations. I wish I could give you better advice for a happier ending, I really do, it goes against the grain to advice to do this to another human being, but at the end of the day, you have to look after number one.

    PS Paragraphs are your friend, don't be afraid to use them.

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    • Posted

      Paragraphs...keep people reading..your whole post was extremely long and I wouldn't be able to keep reading if you didn't pause...break it down.

      ​Your advice to the original poster is spot on...doing an eviction is spot on for her...and the perils that lie within that are painful.  In my case I was told I couldn't get an EVICTION because he doesn't PAY anything..not a legal tenant.

      ​i was told to get a restraining order..in that his drug use..affects my peace and safety.  Which can be relevant in the original posters concerns...she has already said she is afraid of the safety aspect.

      ​She needs to go write that down..and an officer will be soon to follow and he will have to leave.

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    • Posted

      everything I said..even getting a restraining order..has been put off by many...changing our situations is very HARD.
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    • Posted

      It's different in the UK, I think you can only get a restraining order when someone has been convicted or aquitted.
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    • Posted

      In Scotland, if the person assaults you, the Police will come and remove them.  You have to make a Statement. The person will be taken to the Police Station.  They will not be allowed back until after a court decision.

      There is a Zero Tolerance regarding Domestic Violence.

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    • Posted

      That's fine, but do you want to be assaulted before you call them? My advice still stands, go see the police first, tell them what you are going to do and advise them that they may get a call. You never know, you might actually getting a decent copper who puts a patrol car in the aera just in case.

      Even in Scotlland where they have different laws, I still don't think you can get a restraining order without a conviction. Although I will say my knowledge of the Scottish system is sketchy and I could be wrong.

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    • Posted

      Your advice is excellent and I would agree with it.

      You can have a person banned from your home...and your street, without a conviction, in Scotland.  It can take months for the case to go to court.  The accused must live elsewhere, no contact, for that time.

      It may be to do with the Zero Tolerance policy.

      I would not wish to be assaulted, but people can react badly,when drunk.  There are many "Domestic Incidents" fuelled by alcohol.

      Alonangel 🎇

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    • Posted

      Here...we just have to say we feel unsafe...and the person will be removed immediately and a protective order will be in place and if that person violates the protection order...they go to jail.

      ​Examples of unsafe...drug use, yelling...etc

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    • Posted

      But I just thought of something...what we do here is not going to help "feelingstuck" sad
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  • Posted

    Hello,

    This may sound silly, but... have you actually told him that the relationship is over?  Would he want to leave, then?   

    Has he tried to stop drinking?  Would he want to stop?

    Have you confided in a friend, or a family member?

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  • Posted

    HI Feelingstuck..I agree with the others...amek him leave...no other way since you are too deep into this and it really IS destroying your life. All the best to you!! Robin
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  • Posted

    Thank you so much everyone. I'm new to this and it's heartening to read your words of support and good advice. RHGB I will make a call to Citizens Advice. I had an idea that it may need to be dealt with along those lines, and now I have to summon all my strength to see the change I need, to get my old life and happy self back again.

    My partner is not physically violent but I did feel nervous writing my post last night ( he had gone out) and I don't feel particularly relaxed about checking my emails ( he is asleep next door now) .in a way I'm more afraid of his silence than if he were shouting at me. 

    All your encouragement is much appreciated and I will update this when I have managed to make a change, I hope! 

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    • Posted

      'Glad to see your Post, this morning.  

      Keep strong and Good Luck with your course of action.

      Alonangel 🎇

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    • Posted

      CA is usually open from about 10:00am to 3:00pm for four days a week. The day it is closed is for appointments only.

      However, usually you cannot get through on the phone, because it is message only. You can speak to a general number they have, but my advice is to just look up the opening times for your local branch and do a walk in, because that's how they work.

      You will be assessed by a general person, if the advice you need is specialised and involves legal, then they will make an appointment for you to come back in a couple of days to see someone more knowledgeable.

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    • Posted

      Well in the US...the person does not have to be "violent"...just disturbing your peace and safety..and you said that he makes you feel unsafe by the careless things he does....that's enough. 
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