My partner is an alcoholic and I want him to leave but just feel so stuck

Oh no....yes, you do have to get him to leave...you do need to end it because he won't change....and i know that you are "stuck". .  Maybe the big 50 will help you to do what you have to do to end this relationship...i get it...that you have ended the relationship but he won't go.

​Where was he living before?  Maybe the threat of telling his family will get him to leave.

I understand how hard this must be for you but i agree with Missy2. Maybe the threat of telling his family may work? If he has a got a job could he not stay in a B&B or hotel till he finds something permanant? Maybe you could have a friend or relative there when you ask him to leave? Has he ever been violent when drinking?

You have to look after yourself in this.

Best wishes.

Okay, Mr.Pragmatic here, I let the others do the emotional stuff.

First of all though, I found that very sad to read, it didn't surprise me, I put myself in your shoes to really understand what it is you're saying.

You could just ask him to leave and part amicably and that is it done. However, I think that your message conveys that it would not be as easy as that and it is going to be an uphill struggle, which won't be straight forward, in that case, read on.

Also, I have been the one in my relationship that liked alcohol too much and know how it can drive you and becomes more important than other things like a relationship. Fortunately it never got a really good hold on me.

I read through it carefully, and it seems that you have it well thought out, and for you there is nothing left and you want peace of mind back. That is important, because quite often people really mean, they want the old person back and that causes problems with what I'm about to advise.

First, you're going to have to be really strong willed about this and it won't be an easy ride, but the end result should be worth it.

I would first go to see the Citizens Advice Bureau and talk through what the process is and what the options are. Contrary to what people tell you, it isn't as simple to just open the door and say leave, because he is unlikely to do that. You need to know legally where you stand, I don't want to know the 'ins' and 'outs' of the relationship, but things like, has he contributed to the house, by way of rent, sharing the bills etc. They will explain to you your situation and what you need to do to evict him (because that is basically what you are doing). They will also tell you what action you can take if he won't leave voluntarily.

Which leads me nicely onto the next bit. Whilst this is going on (you will probably have an initial CA meeting then they'll book you in with a specialist), you will probably come to dislike the 'lodger' in your home even more. You must keep up appearances and not change any routine, otherwise he may suspect something. Please don't think that people who drink, don't notice things, because they do.

When you have everything prepared, got all of the advice on what needs done legally and acted upon anything that needs done, plus spoken to the police first if needs be. I would ask the CA that, if you should have a word with them, so that if things don't go to plan, when you call them, they already know what the situation is and are likely to respond more quickly. It is then time to tell him.

This will not be fun, you are about to see a human being go through a range of emotions, apologetic, concilatory, anger, worry and panic, amongst others. This will come as a bolt out of the blue. He will be thinking, where did this come from, what has he done differently, what has he done this time to upset you so much, it will not occur to him, that this has been percolating away for some time. At the forefront of his mind will be, where am I going to stay.

And this is where it gets even tougher, because no matter how angry we get, we are all human beings inside, and it is difficult not to feel some remorse for doing something like this. But, hopefull by this point you had already thought through all of this and knew what to expect and still ask him to leave, what deadline you give, depends on how you feel, what the CA says you can do and if you're worried he'll do anything silly. You may want a male friend about for safety, and don't forget the police if there's trouble.

That should give you some thoughts, if you don't move him out, it would seem difficult to see where the impetus to change is going to come from. If you haven't got the heart to evict on to possibly the streets, I can't see a way out for you. Sensible things like saying you have three months, get saving for a deposit don't usually work in these situations. I wish I could give you better advice for a happier ending, I really do, it goes against the grain to advice to do this to another human being, but at the end of the day, you have to look after number one.

PS Paragraphs are your friend, don't be afraid to use them.

Hello,

This may sound silly, but... have you actually told him that the relationship is over?  Would he want to leave, then?   

Has he tried to stop drinking?  Would he want to stop?

Have you confided in a friend, or a family member?

HI Feelingstuck..I agree with the others...amek him leave...no other way since you are too deep into this and it really IS destroying your life. All the best to you!! Robin

Thank you so much everyone. I'm new to this and it's heartening to read your words of support and good advice. RHGB I will make a call to Citizens Advice. I had an idea that it may need to be dealt with along those lines, and now I have to summon all my strength to see the change I need, to get my old life and happy self back again.

My partner is not physically violent but I did feel nervous writing my post last night ( he had gone out) and I don't feel particularly relaxed about checking my emails ( he is asleep next door now) .in a way I'm more afraid of his silence than if he were shouting at me. 

All your encouragement is much appreciated and I will update this when I have managed to make a change, I hope!