My partner is an alcoholic and I want him to leave but just feel so stuck
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hello, I'm new here and just joined today. I've been reading a thread about being with an alcoholic partner and it has really helped me, especially in feeling that I'm not alone in my situation. That thread seems a bit dated so I thought I would briefly explain where I am now, as I am trying to get the courage up to finish our relationship.
My partner is a functioning alcoholic. We've been together 4 years and he has lived with me for 3 years, in my small flat. He's 52, I'm 49. We met online, and with the benefit of hindsight I know now that I was taken in with his hedonism and generosity, and he encouraged me to follow my dream of being a painter. He was sweet and kind and generous. And I had no real understanding of his addiction to alcohol. ... Fast forward to where we are now. I have tried to get him to address his drinking many times over the last few years. I can't be bothered now, because I'm exhausted with every single thing being about him , everyday checking if he's left the gas hob on, the back door open,these things may sound petty to him but I don't feel safe. And he thinks I'm nagging for the fun of it.
I know I have to look after my myself and my mental health because he's not fussed about me as long as he can have a drink. About a year ago I was still tuning into the sound of another bottle of wine being opened in the kitchen, still looking in the cupboard under the counter and finding 2 extra bottles there when he was pretending to be drinking from only one, Still letting him kiss me with wine breath and sleep next to me while grinding his teeth and shouting out in the night. Still letting him drive me to work with about (at least ) 20 units of alcohol in his system. I could go on....so much soul destroying and manipulative behaviour , but I really just want to work out how to get around the practicalities of finishing our relationship. I don't love him and I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me. I don't see how he can love anything as much as wine. I own our flat and I want him to move out and find somewhere else to live. Despite having a decent job which he hangs on to by working at home ( nobody smells the booze or experiences the black moods) he never has any money and he certainly can't pay a deposit to move into a new flat here. He doesn't want his elderly parents to ever know that he's an alcoholic and he doesn't have friends or family in this part of the country ( I took on an antisocial loner). So to be honest I'm afraid that he will end up drinking on the street, and I don't know what the answer is. I went to an Al Anon meeting and they said I had to let him sort it out for himself. He doesn't look at me, smile at me ( I'm not asking for much, I don't want a forced grin, it's just that I feel I'm talking to myself and it's very inconvenient for him that I'm even here) and when I try to have a conversation it might last a couple of minutes but we don't talk about anything really. I just want to smile and laugh again and not tread on eggshells. Sorry it's a long post, if anyone can offer any insight and advice I would be so grateful. Thank you x
1 like, 49 replies
colin30375 Kneecap49
Posted
There may be a matter of a common-law bond between you as husband and wife; (I'm unaware of the statutes regarding this), it doesn't seem to me as if he is simply a guest or lodger in your home; it seems that you have been living as man and wife. Therein may be more complications.
It sounds doubtful that he will leave of his own accord and after four years of living together, the powers that be will not take your side if you throw him out (my understanding only). If you took this course of action, you would be classed as the guilty party.
From an outsiders perspective, the man works from home, doesn't beat you, doesn't destroy property - (although you are of course worried about this) he simply drinks to excess. In short, it woud seem to others who are completely impartial that you simply have a bad relationship.
The first step for you has already been posted. See what the Citizens Advice say; it does seem that you are living as common-in-law husband and wife but see what the experts say.
It seems so difficult as he is mentally abusing you rather that physically. That would be a different story. It's unlikely that the police would throw out your partner because he has a penchant for drink.