My partner left me for another woman and the depression is killing me

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I have posted on this site when he left me but things are getting worse. My partner of 23 years left me recently for a woman 20 years younger. An immigrant in the country looking for a better life and boy has she got it. The problem is he keeps contacting me and coming to see me. He is to going me emotionally knowing I'm suffering with depression. He tells me that he misses me and says he has to do this for himself. I pace for hours after he's left struggling to come down off it. Yesterday I found out that a mutual friend had taken his own life after his wife thew him out, not a close friend but enough to send me into orbit thinking awful thoughts about how will I cope, is there no hope and I struggle to keep myself sane. What do I do next? How do I stop him coming over ? Why would he do this to me. He is abusing me mentally and it's impossible for me to think straight.

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  • Posted

    Write him an email in no uncertsin terms saying you have to give yourself time to recupperate and that means not seeing him, not talking, texting or.any further emails or you wil make a harrasment report.

    Btw. You pace as well?????

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    • Posted

      I have thought about this, written many emails but can't seem to press the send button.i am so frightened of doing it- typical scenario of if I send it Its the end! I need to take co tell of this but I'm so weak willed that I just get trampled over. This who!e situation came as quite a shock and im struggling coming to terms with the cruelty of his actions. How he conditioned me to wait outside his office, never allowed in and it's his business also when I was allowed to ring him, honestly I can't believed I allowed it but where do you get the strength to fight back.

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  • Posted

    Mutley, please do not harm yourself. What advice Dan gave you was spot on. Also if you feel things are getting too much look towards your friends or family, if you do not have that option whilst I was at an appointment I saw a leaflet in the surgery, it said talk therapy, I'm not really one for talking but wish I had took it now to pass on, I will pop into surgery and take down the details, I do not think you need a referral to join. Pacings good. Apparently looks less nutty than rocking ?? Send that email, change the locks. Also try putting on dome music and scream real loud. Then go for a long walk. Make a 'you time' for you and happiness, something that interests you. Thinking of you, I'll go back to surgery tomorrow and get those details for you see if it helps you out.

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  • Posted

    Mutley, I wonder how people can play with other people's feelings like that. And I bet in his mind it doesn't feel that way. Do it on purpose or not, I don't know which one is worse. The thing is, whatever his intentions are, the more you try to read his mind, the crazier and weaker you'll feel. Don't debate on who he is with, now you need to be strong...easier said than done, I know. But it is just like that. You hit the bottom, there's no way down anymore, only up. Try to think that this is the lowest you can get and that mean you can only go up now. I know it's the hardest thing to think of now, the positive side of things!!!! Bla, bla, bla!!!! Does that even exist???? The thing is that it takes time and how you wish time would pass fast, so you wouldn't need to feel all this pain and just move on. Unfortunately pain needs to be felt. If you pretend it's not there it will get you no matter what. Face sadness, take care of the child inside you ( I like to pretend to be my own nanny, a very loving one). Pain is in your life right now and there's noting you can do but feel it, get yourself back together so you can deal with facts again....like putting him out of the house.

    i also wake up with my heart trying to hang in there and let time pass by, so I can get stronger and do the hard parts.

    All my human love to you!!!

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    • Posted

      If there's a way you can leave your phone with a good friend so you don't need to see his calls...try to get this phone away from you. And when you see how many times he called or your friend let's you know, give yourself a number, like he has to call you another 20 times, before that you never answer, when it gets to 20, another big number. You have to challenge yourself to make you strong in the first days, because you will be tempted to answer or call back. If he stops calling, even more, don't call back. This is him testing to see if you're still there waiting for him. Go sleep at a friends house, ask them to keep the phone away from you...change your number...how about that.

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    • Posted

      I am staying with my friend tomorrow. I can't stop crying - it's like I've closed the door on him and never to be opened again. I am almost on the verge of ringing him but know I cant. I really don't feel well right now. I'm so very upset.

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    • Posted

      Staying with your friend is great thing. He's very insecure and needs to test you, because good part of what you think is his strength comes actually from the fact that you always opens the door to him. The more certainty he has that you'll be there for him day and night the stronger he gets to keep hurting you. He's actually not strong. Don't let yourself believe he's coming back, or he's coming back for feeling sorry for you, he's a very sick person, and you have done the very right thing to do. Somewhere on your journey in life you learned love has to hurt, but it's not supposed to be like that....I'm learning that too. Put yourself first. Anything that makes you move towards him, even if it feels like the right thing to do, don't. When I feel really bad I have this friend I write to. I put all my feelings in the letters I send to her. It can be in the middle of the night, just about any time. She doesn't have to answer, it just feels a bit better once I spent writing instead of doing things that will hurt me. If you contact him, he's going to open a big smile and say to himself...she is still mine, o can keep hurting her. Stay strong...you're going to find out you're much stronger than you've ever thought to be!!! My thoughts are with you!!!!

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    • Posted

      Sarah are you about? I'm really feeling terrible. I feel so isolated and alone, I'm not sure how I'm going to get through this. I have resilience but this is do tough.

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    • Posted

      I'm sorry, just saw it now. There's no chance this would be easy, that's for sure. It's when you're really low in life that you have to be really strong. How's things? I really wish you the best.

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    • Posted

      try not to hope he's going to come back because you stopped answering his calls, and now he's going to respect you more and things like that. For what you said this guy is sick and getting away from him, even if it hurts so much, is the safe thing to do for yourself. I know a side of you insists in seeing the good side of him, because you're too scared to be alone. But another side of you, the smart one, knows that you were alone even when he was in your life. You just convinced yourself you were ok with the horrible life you had with him, but that doesn't make it the right life.

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    • Posted

      I know what your saying but it doesn't make it easier, I wish it did. Am I this sad! I was so happy and full of life 3 years ago, since I list my dearest friend I've been destroyed. Why can't I get my mojo back. I am intelligent, had a career,was independent but

      I lost my way and can't get back.

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    • Posted

      Right now you think you've lost it all, that things people say should make it easier. Instead of thinking of three years ago, think of a few days ago how you felt by the way he was treating you. That's the reality. And it's very normal to stick with the good stuff because you'll tend to try to find excuses for him being the way he is. Believe me, I do that all the time. You are still all these things you said, nothing has changed. And it was not you who made him act this way...he is this way. You sdont need to  get your mojo back, because it has never gone anywhere, it's in you, it's you. I think you need to respect this moment of sadness, that's what you are living right now and like it or not it needs to be lived, not extended, but lived. Written messages don't show the feelings of the person writing, so I want you to know that my intention is to help you at this moment to be as caring to yourself as you can possibly be. The last thing in my mind is to be judgmental...I go through the same doubts on a daily basis. It's only easier to see the danger of our thinking and feeling when we see it in somebody else. Writing this hopefully will help you someway, it's certainly helping me because I see myself in you in certain aspects of your suffering moment. Yes, it's a moment. The same way that good stuff doesn't last forever, so is bad stuff. I hope you feel better. 

       

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    • Posted

      Mutley, I have to confess one thing. I just re read your story and realized I was confused at some point between your story and some other person I was writing to. So, some of the advices I offered to you were thinking of this other person case ( in her case the guy was really bad news, not only in the relationship). I'm sorry if I said harsh things that didn't apply to your case.  Write if you need. Thanks

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    • Posted

      Did the same myself today. A real horrible time for you too. I hope you found someone. Crap day all round really. Just trying to get through this the best I can.
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