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When I was a young lad I was diagnosed with dyspraxia, I had many problems throughout school, mainly struggling with the work.
School was a difficult time for me, the teachers use to moan to my mum that I didn't listen, I didn't try and I was just a "naughty boy" the truth is that I just completely didn't understand anything the teachers were trying to tell me.. I tried and tried but it didn't work.
I ended up getting singled out on a regular basis from answer questions, to going up to the front of the class to read. This all became very overwhelming, especially reading in front of the class sent my anxieties through the roof. My escape was to misbehave as I knew I'd be sent out and I could avoid all attention on me.
I always found it hard to make friends, I was always picked on and bullied over the way I spoke. After many lessons of perfecting my escape method the students began to laugh, they began to acknowledge me for popularity reasons rather than the guy who gets picked on. This stuck for years until they grew up and left me behind. But when my behaviour it started it was my method of feeling normal and like I fitted in.
I ended up disliked again and beaten up a few times, I sworn to myself that I'd never get bullied again so I started boxing to which I quickly became obsessed with. I became obsessed due the the sculpting of my body, girls started noticing me and all the boys wanted to be my friend. This obsession lasted for 8 and a half years training 6 days a week only a handful of times I didn't attend training.
No friendships I've ever had have ever lasted long though, I often got play wrong. I was always boisterous and a lot of my play evolved play fighting. I didn't understand the social rule that your not actually meant to hurt people during that process. It wasn't until I was 19 when a friend explained that I was really hurting him to which I was mortified, I thought everyone liked to play like that. I rarely recognise my behaviours unless they are explained to me in black and white.
I realise I've gone on a bit and there's a lot more to my story and I need to keep to my original aim for this post but to give you an idea about my day to day struggles, I suffer from anxieties, attachment issues, lack of social imagination, I am very tackles and I always miss out on conversational cues.
I worked with autism and something clicked in my head, how can I have dyspraxia, all the things I was meant to struggle with i excelled in, I was a fantastic sportsman I did a lot I wasn't suppose to do.
I started to research and started to realise that I ticked most of the boxes for aspergers. I decided to take the barron and choen test to which I scored 32.
I feel I was failed by my doctors surgery, when I saw the doctor I was prepared with notes(as expressing myself verbally and effectively can be very difficult)
The doctor read the notes and commented "don't you think there's a few to many symptoms there? And then interrogated me about it. Luckily I had my partner there who helped me explain and kept control of the situation for me.
I was referred to a secol who the passed me on to a group called dash. I met with a lady who promised to help me but never emailed me like discussed. I then went back to the doctors and the whole process started again. It took me 4 months to do this circle and due to the stress of not knowing I ended up off work for months due to anxieties over the situation.
I personally feel for somebody who has aspergers as an adult the who process, the waiting about, all the phone calls you are required to make, in my case taking lead of the situation. I personally can't drive things as I become overwhelmed yet there was not enough awareness on the gps and support workers part.
I have now given up in a diagnosis as the who process is to stressful for me. The build up of getting somewhere to find out you've gone round in a circle and not actually got anywhere. I am left with so many questions yet I'm fearful to have that situation and process in my life again.
I want a diagnosis for my piece of minds but is there an alternative method rather than going through what I found to be a complete failure of a system to cater for potential aspies.
I don't quite know what I want out of this, it's 6.30am I haven't slept due to my mind being preoccupied with whether I have aspergers or not. It's really getting on top of my and I wanted to get a few bits off of my chest, although this is actually very vague on what I struggle with.
If you've read this far and your wondering what the hell you've read, than I want to thank you for taking the time to at least try and make sense of this.
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