My thought processes are causing emotional problems!

Hello Lizzie...

Thanks for your reply & well wishes.

I'm not particularly medication compliant which isn't a huge help to my cause, although the side effects from taking a cocktail from the major part of my depressive triggers.

As a result & experimenting with medications without sound results for two years, I am not on regular medications & only take antidepressants when I can't stabilise a low mood.

The middle of the range symptoms I can just about manage myself, indeed there are fluctuations, however controllable ones.

It's just when the depression sinks too low, I really struggle & need help which comes in the form of 150mg of Venlaflaxine.

I'm resigned to thinking that I'll probably never resume the 'Happy go lucky, bubbly' personality I once effortlessly had (without being hypomanic) & just try to live as well as I can without self disappointment.

I'm thinking if you're more stable these days, then you don't live from one mood state to the next, as I do in bursts.

I hope to soon lift from my mind state of doom & gloom as I'm actually an optimistic, laid back character!!

I appreciate your response.

Xx

Hi again

Just come in from compline at church.  It took them several years for them to find a combination that worked for me, but then I was lucky, I didn't have particularly bad side effects apart from serious weight gain.  I have known many people over the years with various mental health problems and have observed that going off meds and on and off again etc tends to make them less effective, but you've probably observed this for your self.

I don't have any mood swings at all now and live a relatively calm and peacefull life, just the occasional anxiety, hence the diazepam.  I'm a totally different person though than before I was medicated.  I loved the hypomania, but it wrought havoc to my life including several broken relationships and I used to spend money like water.  Much as I enjoyed it, I had to admit that the depressions, and mixed states (combination of depression and mania) were too terrible to bear, so I submitted like a guinea pig to their experiments, and I'm glad I did for long though it took, the end result is worth it.

I'm sorry to hear about your insecurity with your husband, that must be debilitating for you, both of you probably. You have my sympathy.

Knowing you aren't keen on meds, have you tried counselling? I had soemthing called Human Givens Counselling, couldn't get it on the NHS and it was expensive, but the lessons I learnt from it have stood me in good stead with anxious situations like overcrowded trains and noisy environments.  

Once again, you have my best wishes

xxxxx

Hello Scottie- I suffer from bipolar 1, which my doctor tells me is more common. I have severe depression and anger fits. I take lamictal, cymbalta and serequel. The key is to take the mess everyday, not occasionally. They don't work that way. The other part is withdrawals in and of itself can cause depression. I know this because I've done it in the past. They only work as long as you stay on them. Then you can get a good idea if that cocktail of mess is working for you. I've had to go month to month to find the right mix for me. My life story sounds similar to yours. I'm 11 yrs older than my husband, we have a 15 yr old daughter- his from first marriage- I'm fat and have lost my sexual drive. I'm a self loather, I beat myself up constantly by making poor decisions, not thinking things thru. Also very forgetful. It causes huge fights with my husband. I just was approved for social security disability. I haven't been able to hold down a job. Lost my job of 25 yrs. I'm certain my outbursts and verbal abuse to coworkers was the final straw although they couldn't fire me for that. They really dotted their i's and removed me for not doing the job correctly. It was all BS. It took me a few years to figure it out. I've got other health problems that contribute to being on disability. But Bipolar is on the list. I don't think there is a strong enough antidepressant out there for me, I cry easily, my feelings get hurt, I get jealous of my daughters beauty- which I know is pretty stupid- my self esteem is in the toilet. I'm a hot mess. My Christian faith keeps me alive, and the certainty of the love my husband has of me keeps me comforted. I to wish I could go back to the time when I was funny, bright, secure, creative and strong. In a sense my entire self has been stripped away because of this stupid ass mental disorder. I'm sorry to have blabbed on so long everyone, but it truly is cathartic.

NOTE: I typed Mess and meant Meds. Sorry!

Hi Karin...

Thank you for sharing.

I gave medicines a two year trial & didn't find the positive effects worthy of living with the negative side effects & still experiences highs & lows during that time!

I therefore decided to self manage & only need antidepressants when I'm too low to lift myself. I find the depression awful as it swipes everything from me; as I know it does to all who experience it.

I'm so sorry to hear that the behaviours of this illness have ruined relationships for you.

Although I've lost friendships, it's mainly because I push people away & totally withdraw, rather than extreme behaviours abolishing them!

There have been extremes, so I've been fortunate not to irreversibly damage friendships...

It doesn't stop me from thinking that my husband will leave me!

I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, vastly different from when we met.

I'm worried I'll never be the relaxed woman, who enjoyed people & life ever again.

I'm 45 this summer!!!!

I will keep in touch as conversing with like minded people really helps. 

 

Hi Shelly

I understand.  Been bipolar since 1984, diagnosed in 1998 on meds since thern.  I'm also a committed Christian and the way I see prayer being answered is through the psychitrists and dr.s and meds I've seen/taken.  I'm pretty much stable now thanks to all this.  Are you on meds? if so, which ones? Do you have a psychitrist you can trust?  I'll keep following this thread

God Bless

Lizzie  xxxxx

Hi Liz thanks for contacting me. Yes I have been on tegretol since 2001. I ended up in a mental hospital on my husbands 40th b'day. i am 1 year older than him and it was the hardest thing he has ever done in his life. it was a year sfter i was diagnosed and I was not claiming it as there is no mental illness in my family. Yes I do have a psychitrist but she is only been in practice for 5 years is is younger than me.

Hello Shelly...

Thank you for sharing, that's what I feel is good about a forum with really good members, the ability to share, be understood, heard & responded to with genuine empathy.

It is possible to have a fantastically supportive spouse, family & network of friends, however I still feel more at ease & understood far better discussing bipolar trials & tribulations with other individuals that have experienced the same or similar things...

I've been very 'out there' & carried out many a wild & crazy thing or two or three! I've lost & pushed away friendships during times of more extreme moods; whether depressed or manic!

Thankfully no key people, unless I've decided to walk away.

I've had a number of fall outs & extreme arguments with family, usually my parents & sister & one major fall out with my eldest brother, which still isn't fully resolved although we do love each other, communicate via text & feel relaxed in each other's company when we're together.

I'm sorry to hear you've presently got no relationship with your son.

He is still young however & as he understands more about bipolar & that your actions are out of your control when you're in the grips of the disorders symptoms, he may well come round & I sincerely hope he does Shelly.

I can't imagine what it must feel like; I have three children, my youngest lives with my husband & I, he's only 10. I have two teenagers from my first marriage & they don't live with me as I moved with my second husbands job, from Nottingham to London. They stayed in Nottingham with their Dad & we remain in regular contact & I visit every 5 weeks for a long weekend as my parents & a number of family members still live in the same area I was raised.

My eldest son is 19 & 1/2 & my daughter is a few days off 18!!

I've always been very open & honest with all three children & discussed the bipolar & it's effects on me with them from very early on; just pitched age appropriately!

I'm hoping that's why I've maintained a good relationship with them, that & luckily disguising & hiding more extreme bipolar traits; in the hypomanic pole! Managing not to display actions that might embarrass them, I think that's more out of luck & now not living together that's prevented that.

I hope there's some reconciliation in the futur for you both...

My worst bipolar symptom that stalls so much in my life is lacking confidence, very low self esteem & extremely poor body image.

I really don't like the way I look & I'm very self conscious & therefore lock myself in the house only doing what I have to do.

The lower my mood the less I do, the more lifted I am the more I do & of course, when I'm hypomanic, I'm wild & actually manage to do all sorts, too much & stupid stuff!

Certainly at the moment I'm just completely unsure of where my life is going...

I've trained & have qualifications I could put to use & don't due to the confidence issues I have, but then I question myself that at the age of almost 45 (in 3 days) what am I going to do?!

As a family unit we don't earn enough for me not to work, not to pay the bills AND have holidays & nice big extras! But then again, they're not really needed, love & security as a family is what's important & that's what I have...

I'm lonely & would like to work, I also feel guilty not working & watch my husband work so much; through choice, yet all the same, I'd prefer to be helping too.

I haven't replied to a few messages, on the open forum & private messages through the forum too, so I'll save you from an almighty reply 'THIS TIME'! I can get you good & proper in the future, so you're not out of the woods as far as getting encyclopedic messages from me!

I hope your mood is reasonably stable at the mo, I'm lifting & could actually do with a touch of hypomania to shake me up & raise my personality bubbles!

;0) Xx

Lori...

I read your message with such understanding & complete knowledge of what you're describing.

I can appreciate from both perspectives & also have a point of view on both, my husband of over 12 years is also in the room & I've asked his view on a couple of points too.

My husband & I have been together since my diagnosis, I was euphoric & more than likely hypomanic during the early phrases of our relationship & he is almost 13 years my junior! I was probably feeling invincible & rather alluring & like mankind would fall at my feet; very common symptoms of euphoric hypomanic moods!

When we moved in together within the month & he proposed within 6 weeks, he was 20 & I was 33, my mum & sister stepped in & gave him both barrels regarding me & bipolar; I on the other hand had only given him edited highlights on the disorder, but enough!

Well, he stuck around, we're still together, very much in love & best friends, have a 10 year old son & have all the usual couple arguments etc & like your husband, despite everything my partner does to reassure, I too question our marriage, feel insecure, think he's going to leave me etc, etc...

It's a mindset that I cannot get out of & I suspect neither will your husband. I'd therefore suggest just responding naturally to his worries, don't be overly positive or untrue to yourself.

Nothing at all can snap me out of a negative mindset once in it, other than myself & you'll only feel drained trying & possibly like you've failed if you can't lift him, if you try to hard.

JUST BE THERE & RIDE IT OUT!

As for the sleeplessness & the mood states euphoria, through racing thoughts brings on through lack of sleep, I'm afraid the advice is much the same.

When I'm in that state & then analyse it all afterwards, once I've been through the guilt stage of whatever happened during that time, I know that it isn't a conscious decision to not listen to ANYONE or take on board ANYTHING they are saying, I just don't!

I think I'm right, justified in whatever I am doing & carry on regardless.

Again, nothing my husband can say or do really stops me in my tracks, I can't think of anything off the top of my head at the moment. In time I slow in my thoughts, come back down to earth & situations suddenly don't seem right to me & then I appreciate I need to stop etc...

I asked my husband what he feels he can do & he just confirmed pretty much what I've said by saying, "I can't get through to you, so I just implement damage limitation to whatever situation is occurring"!

He again rides it out ensuring I'm not overly vulnerable or putting the family at risk, especially finances as overspending is a huge symptom of a hypomanic state. He tries to encourage me to bed, keep me there, take away credit cards etc & talk things through with me.

Is telling you all this helpful or not really?

I won't be offended if I'm missing the point!

I'm certainly happy to share & support how I can, we're all so different however there are similarities & just chatting to those in the know is such a help I find.

I'm here anyway, bit of a waffler yet happy to help. ;0) Xx

Hi Lori

Me too as I had bipolar with mixed staes, same thing as I think you describe.  I could cope with the hypomania, enjoyed it even, the depression was aweful but I just used to lie around all day doing nothing, no motivation very sad but no self harm, but the mixed states were the worst.  For me it was form a high energy depression, a combination of depression and mania.  I used to listen to very loud music, scream shout, rip magazines up and paste them on to my walls, spend money, be promiscuous and draw the most disturbed pictures, both on paper and on Adobe Illustrator.

However, I escaped, there is hope.  I was initially put on the mood stabiliser epillim (sodium valproate) which didn;t do me much good, eventually after a few experiments, I was stabilised on citalopram 40mg, and risperidone 3mg, with diazepam as required for the attendant anxiety.  I'm in the process of coming off the diazepam now, but its hard, still, it did the trick when I needed it most..

To you and your husband I would say hang in there, let the psychiatrists do their stuff and trust, if not in God, in yourselves and those who will help you. The negativity is the disorder talking, not your dear husband.

My heart goes out to you lori and hubbie

Lizzie xxx