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My thought processes are causing emotional problems!

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Scottie70
Scottie70

Hello...

I'm new to the site & just needed to talk...

I've been diagnosed for 15 years with Bipolar 2 & have experienced many symptoms.

I'm experiencing low level depression at present, I've lifted from daily crying & total avoidance of daily activities, to feeling flat & not wanting to do much, however carrying out what's absolutely necessary.

I've been taking an antidepressant now for just over 3 weeks so will start to lift more & more shortly; only to then start looking out for hypomanic symptoms (it's all a self management game that can be so draining)!

I'm struggling at the moment dreadfully with self confidence & esteem & my thought processes.

I feel I am fat, old, unattractive, useless & unworthy & I'm constantly questioning my husbands desire to stay with me?!

I'm out of work again due to my moods, I am not carrying out any of the careers I'm trained & qualified in & now even struggle to hold down a less stressful job.

My thoughts are turning every situation into a negative; if my husband leaves the house I think he's meeting someone, if he's looking at his phone I think he's interacting with another woman. 

Although we've been married over 11 years & together 12 with a son together & he's never given me any reason to doubt him, my negative thoughts are crucifying me!

I'm almost 13 years older than my partner which generates insecurity...

I know these thoughts are typical symptoms of the depressive pole & I'm sure once I've lifted or when next euphoric, I'll be back to feeling invincible & the sexiest woman alive; well, I'll feel better about myself anyway!

The constant cycle & inability to stabilise moods & mind sets, just make me despair!

Anyway...I've waffled enough, just needed to offload & would love to interact with someone, although appreciate that there may be no-one around.

Thank you for reading, take care, as I will too. ;0) 

2 likes, 18 replies

18 Replies

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  • clare39944
    clare39944 Scottie70

    Posted

    Dear Scottie70, you describe very well how the mood swings affect you.  You mention that you are on antidepressants and now feel wary about a manic attack in the future.  You do not say if you are also on some form of mood stabiliser.  I can only say what is working for me - Lithium - which after two years has proved to me that I can weather depression and have some confidence that I will not suffer an attack of mania; and when I have found myself going a little high I am now able to listen to my husband, son and friends without biting their heads off.  I hope you soon feel the affects of the antidepressant, stay stable and hopefully find work again.  All the best, Clare
    • Scottie70
      Scottie70 clare39944

      Posted

      Hello Clare...

      Thank you for your reply.

      I know that the best way to treat most if not all symptoms, diseases & disorders is to take regular medications.

      I however have tried mood stabilisers & don't like their impact on me.

      My worst mood swing triggers are generated by the mood stabilising drugs & therefore it seems ridiculous that I would take them & cause myself further emotional distress?!?!

      I've studied the impact & effectiveness of certain medications on the system at Uni when studying midwifery; so I should know better!

      I gave them a good go & didn't like how they altered me physically & psychologically.

      That's why I only take antidepressants when I'm really low/depressed & can't pull myself out of it.

      I can control the hypomanic states that occur in me with the help of my husband, however I can't control the depressions & that's why I feel I need the antidepressants & don't take the stabilisers.

      If I take the antidepressants longer than they are required, they initiate a euphoric state in me that can escalate into hypomania.

      The great thing in my favour is that I know myself really well & how bipolar effects me, enabling me to feel & be more in control.

      There is absolutely no doubt, in the past, I've felt I'm in control & I'm not, however my husband is aware by that stage & takes the reins!

      Hahahahahaha...

       

    • clare39944
      clare39944 Scottie70

      Posted

      Dear Scottie70,  Like you, for years I fought against various psychiatrists about the side effects of mood stabilisers, especially Lithium, as I had been poisoned by it in the past.  However, now I am taking the lowest dose of 400mg each night and all I can say is that it has made life a lot better.  I still suffer from low moods but not as much or as severe as before.  I had a high blip over Easter, but because I am taking the Lithium I was able to talk it through with my husband, grown up son, friends and professionals and nip it in the bud.  I have given up the notion that being high is a 'release' or 'fun'.  Too much chaos has resulted from my previous manic states.  In the past, because I was so anti drug treatment I tried hypnotherapy, homeopathy and acupuncture.  It might work for some, but I really had to bite the bullet and agree to Lithium 2 years ago.  Please don't think that all my life is hunky-dory now, but having a more stable mood is helping me to live a more fulfilled life.  Having read other blogs about people's experiences of Lithium I consider myself lucky as I don't have dreadful side effects, have not put on weight etc  I hope you have a reasonable relationship with a shrink or care-coordinator.  They are not the enemy and might be able to work with you.  I hope this is of some help.  All the best, Clare
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