my wife refuses to be intimate with me.

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My wife and I have been together 8 years, living together for the last 6years and married for the last 18months. At the beginning of our relationship our sex life was fantastic having sex 3-4 tines a week, but over the last couple of years she has lost all of her sex drive. My wife was taking the pill but it made her depressed so we decided I would have the snip a few years ago, neither of us have ever wanted children so it seemed reasonable.

Over the last few years our sex life has gone from 2-3times a week to 5-6 times a year. She never initiates sex with me and when I try to initiate something between us has no interest in being intimate or having sex with me.

I love my wife more than anything and have tried to talk with her about this but she doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong. Desperately in need of some help and advice.

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28 Replies

  • Posted

    That is a tough one. I never could understand how a lady could think there is nothing wrong. She should probably go to her doctor to find out what happened to her drive. This happened to me but in my case I found out that my wife was cheating on me, so that is why she had no desire it was being used with someone else. This can also be the case. She doesn't see a problem because she is still having sex often but just not with me. So I would try to figure out if she is cheating, if not then she should see a doctor about it. As a woman gets older usually there sex drive is greater than a mans and us men start to tapper off so it is a bit strange she wouldn't want to. I have to say though for women sex is complicated, they need a lot more stimulation than men. It could be something like that. Plan a romantic evening for the two of you, take her out to a nice dinner or make it at home. Think hard about what she really likes and plan something that will really make her happy. Here is the tough part, don't expect sex in return. Just make the evening about her and see if that helps. Maybe she is just missing something that you both did together that signaled her sex drive. It is worth a try. In my case my wife was cheating but remember that doesn't mean that she is cheating on you. It is just one of many things that could be going on. If all else fails then try counseling for couples. I wish you luck.
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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply, I've tried being romantic, tried spending the night just cuddling into her but this is something else she isn't interested in, I do everything I can to try and keep this a relationship but no matter what I do I just feel like a glorified roommate. She says she loves me and still feels the same about me but does nothing to show it. At times I feel like just moving into the spare room for a while to see if this makes her realise how this whole situation is making me feel then I think would she a) notice or b) care!!!
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    • Posted

      It may be time to seek a counselor then. Something is wrong and it doesn't sound like she is willing to talk to you about it. There has to be strong communication on both sides for a relationship to work. Could she be cheating? I don't like to say that but it is possible. I didn't think my wife would have cheated on me but there were signs of it that I had overlooked. One day I was doing the laundry and as I was putting her underwear away I noticed mens underwear in her drawer. I also noticed that her sexy underwear was being worn by her but not with me. She also called me a lot when I was at work asking when I would be home. All were bad signs. i hope she isn't cheating on you but it is possible. Either way you need a counselor to help get things back to normal. The longer you wait the more you will grow apart. 
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  • Posted


    Sorry about what your going through sweetie.

    I can say that you guys have been together for quite sometime ..

    You never ever wanted kids ?

    Do you guys still go out on dates or anything ?

    Do you have any idea of what you wanna do ? Like ...

    Are you thinking about divorce or ?

    Me and my boyfriend had this little issue , were 20 years old and he just got tired of having sex with me .. But it's like once we broke up he couldn't get enough and I on the other hand refuse to degrade myself to him in that matter seeing how as were not together ...

    Give it time maybe ?

    When you try to have sex with her or initiate it how does it go ? Does she push you away ?

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    • Posted

      Thanks carter cali, no me and her never wanted children. Neither of us like using condoms so after she came off the pill (caused her depression) we decided together that the best option would be the snip. We go out for meals, on date nights and I take her anywhere she wants to go.

      Each time I try to initiate intimacy with her I get either of the following responses:

      I've got a bad head (standard)

      My tummy feels bloated and uncomfortable.

      Let's just cuddle.

      I constantly feel pushed away, I've mentioned how I feel and she just says 'I'm sorry you feel like that' but does nothing to make me feel wanted. I know being tired and run down and everyday work tends to take its toll on people but surely making time for you husband and your relationship should take a priority.

      Another reply on here was 'is she cheating on you?' I hope not as she means the world to me.

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    • Posted

      How much time can you give?? A friend of hers split up with his girl because they didn't have sex for over 12 months, she told me about it and I said I'd hate for that to happen to us and the penny didn't drop with her then.
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    • Posted

      I mean do you want to spilt up ?

      Maybe that is the reaction that's needed ..

      Not a divorce but maybe just a spilt ...

      Do you think she is cheating on you?

      Does she show any signs of it ?

      You guys should be intimate in some type of way.

      At least ..

      Do you try to please her sexually and then go from there ?

      Like ..

      How old are you guys ?

      Maybe it's just because I'm young .

      But once my boyfriend starts pleasing me I go with the flow , foreplay and everything works wonders .

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    • Posted

      The last thing I want is for is to split up, I love her! I don't think there is anyone else.

      She is in her early 30's I'm a few years older, when I try to please her or try and initiate something between us she seems to shut down on me using any of the excuses I mentioned before. When I mention having some quality time together she laughs it off saying how tired she is!

      I know we should be intimate and it's a foundation of a lasting relationship but however I try I just feel alone and rejected.

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    • Posted

      I agree with forplay and romance. why not try drawing a warm bath, place candles aound the tub. Turn the lights down have some champane and strawberries. You know go the extra mile. If that doesn't work you really need counseling to save the marriage. Something is wrong. She needs to be able to talk with you about it and maybe she doesn't feel like she can or she is cheating. I know that is a tough pill to swallow but it does happen. I am not saying you need to spy on her. If she is cheating there will be clues to this. Like an extra glass on the counter but she says she was alone all day or wearing sexy garments but not when you are together. These were clues that I picked up on in my relationship. When I found some other mans underwear that was the biggest clue. Then I confronted her about it and she finaly admitted she had been seeing someone else. It crushed me. I felt like it was my fault, but it wasn't she liked attention from other men because she was insecure about herself and that was her way of proving she was still desirable. I never made her feel undesirable. I loved my wife and I never cheated on her.
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    • Posted

      I've tried everything you have suggested, champagne she doesn't like! If I mention having some quality time I'm "pestering her" and I've to give her a couple of days. Even then we won't be intimate.

      I'm not even considering someone else, we both work full time. I'm beginning to think she's lost all interest in me and won't admit it.

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    • Posted

      We both worked full time as well but she found the time to cheat, my wife had preety much lost interest in me as well. When we did have sex she acted like I was burdening her with it. It was really strange. I knew something was up.
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    • Posted

      I know, but don't be fooled. I didn't want to think about it either but I also got an STD from her cheating. So it can be harmful as well. Look, I am not saying don't trust her, but don't ignore signs of it. If there are any. If none then probably not an issue. no matter what the problem counseling will help save things. Try to save it even if she cheated. It is worth trying to save if you love her and she still loves you.
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