Naltrexone: A daily journal

I wanted to record my experience of being on Naltrexone and felt that as this is the site that inspired me to research it deeper this would be the ideal place to post.

I am by no means a writer but during this journey I have found myself shocked, disappointed and left to figure it out for myself.  I hope that you understand as you read this that I am expressing my own opinions and not trying to devalue or promote anything.

For the last 5 or so years I have been drinking well daily - it would be rare for me to have days without, although in the beginning I like to think that I did. My tipple of choice is white wine; I love the stuff even though it has now become very much a love/hate relationship. We live in a culture where drinking lots is seen as 'normal' and if you aren't drinking people ask if you are OK, pregnant or driving! You are left feeling like the one with a problem when you are not able to 'control' how much you are drinking even though the people judging you are drinkers themselves. I have had blackouts, screaming arguments, left my partner, gone down the pub alone whilst already drunk even hurt myself whilst intoxicated yet that hasn't been enough to make me stop. 

My partner and I admitted to each other we are drinking far too much but we also don't know what to do about it. When you want to quit smoking there are loads of aids, advice and support. For drinking its AA and abstinence as well as a referral to an addiction clinic. I am a self confessed geek and will research the hell out of things so I had downloaded drink tracking apps, read articles and sites all about knowing how much your drinking and how to keep it under control. Well what can I say - I can recite most of it but none of it helped. My partner accepted a referral to an alcohol addiction clinic after trying to seek help from the doctor, I eagerly awaited his return home looking forward to learning new things that would help us. But NO he learned nothing new at all, instead he got to sit in a group talking about why he shouldn't drink, etc. Needless to say that didn't last long. 

I am currently on leave from work and have been since mid March not returning until mid August - oh yes everyday is like a Saturday for me. Things started to get worse and worse, waking up feeling horrid after a hot and sweaty night, dehydrated, head ache, nausea and dreading checking my phone to see who was the lucky one/s that got to hear from me in my previous nights drunken state as well as seeing new bruises that I would have no idea how I had gotten. 

Enough was enough and I looked on the internet to see if there was anything I could use to help me stop this ludicrous drinking cycle that I was in. I went to the doctor and admitted everything; exactly how much I was drinking and how after (2-3 bottles of wine to myself a day). I asked if there was any medication I could take that would help me but was told no, they don't do that there I may be able to if a referral comes from an addiction clinic but even then it's rare. I left the doctors being strongly advised to try AA and Russell Brands book 'Recovery'. Right I said to myself, stop being silly this must be the answer look in to it properly (geek!). I went to the Russell Brand website and watched his podcast about his new book - sorry folks but I was cringing. This was supposed to be a modern day version of AA?!? I thoroughly went through the AA website page by page but no I simply do not agree with it. Great stuck at square one again, sort it out on my own hmphh. 

That is when I came across this website and whilst sober (sorry for previous drunken posts!) I learned about TSM - at last!!!! That isn't to say I was immediately convinced, I also researched that too and found the more I was learning the more I was convinced that this is what I needed to do and ended up watching 'One Little Pill' via amazon prime. Well I was blown away - I finally didn't feel embarrassed about myself!! 

Friday 6th July - My Naltrexone came through the post on Friday, I read the helpful documents on how to be compliant on this site and took my first tablet. I dutifully waited an hour and then  headed down the shop to but a bottle of wine. Now I will firstly state that Wednesday I white knuckled a day without any alcohol, then Thursday I only drank red wine (which I don't like) working on the theory you shouldn't taper down on your favourite tipple. So yes I took it a bit far and shared 2 bottles of white wine with my partner. I also did my usual trick and hid a third bottle for after he had gone to bed. It almost felt like an out of body experience, my body was reacting differently to my brain. I stopped myself after picking up my phone to drunkenly talk to people and didn't even finish the large wine spritzer I had on the go or open the third bottle - I went to bed!

Saturday 7th July - Well that was a new one on me. Having consumed so many units I didn't drag my ass out of bed until 11:30 and had a hang over however I was still slightly proud of myself. Feeling rubbishy I continued my research and found that initially you should start on half the tablet that I had - bonus they would last me longer, although I kind of went off the rails a bit the previous night on a whole one. Still I knew more about mindfulness now and I really really wanted this to work. I managed to wait until 6pm before taking half of a tablet and again waited an hour before opening the bottle. We have a unit measure cup so I poured myself a small (125 ml) and noted it down on the sticky note on the fridge. I wanted to put steps in to place so asked my other half if he fancied watching the 7 o clock footie in the bedroom (keeping the distance from the wine as far away as possible). Low and behold I was going to sleep that night having had 2 smalls and approx half of a small = less than half a bottle of wine!!!! I was buzzing when I went to sleep, so proud of myself. I didn't experience any of my normal behaviour: must make this glass last an hour  watching the clock like a crazy woman, feeling like I was being hard done by, missing it, you know the deal.

Sunday 8th July - Now everyday is different and what works one day does not always work the next. I know because I feel so much better today - no hangover! I will want to start drinking earlier, as long as I take my tablet this is OK. My usual trigger time is between 1 and 3 pm. I have taken my half tablet and am eagerly awaiting 3 pm so I can have that drink. I don't know what to expect from it today but I will remain mindful and keep a pint of cold water with me also as I drank that much with my wine last night (another miracle). 

Well done to you if you have read all of this - I will keep you posted on today's progress

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