Posted , 5 users are following.
This is part two of Name your 'Gammy' Bit which is an extension of the existing page where you can list your health problems and moan about them, tell some jokes and have a laugh, and revisit old times whilst putting the world to rights
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GeorgiaS archemedes
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Knock knock
Who's there?
Fred
Fred who?
Humprey Bogart.
archemedes GeorgiaS
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GeorgiaS archemedes
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georgeGG GeorgiaS
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georgeGG GeorgiaS
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archemedes GeorgiaS
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A man complains to his friend "My elbow hurts -- I'd better go to the doctor."
"Don't do that," his friend volunteers. "There's a new computer at the chemists shop that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit £10, and the computer will give you your diagnosis and a plan of treatment."
The man reckons he has nothing to lose, so he goes down to the chemists shop. Finding the machine, he pours in the urine and deposits a £10 note. The machine begins to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper pops out which reads:
“You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy work. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.”
That evening, after some contemplation, the man begins to suspect fraud and decides to test the machine. He mixes together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbates into the jar.
He takes this concoction down to the chemists shop, pours it into the machine, and deposits £10. The machine goes through the same process, buzzing and flashing before finally printing out the following message:
Your tap water has lead.
Get a filter.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs.
Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant.
It's not your baby -- get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
GeorgiaS archemedes
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It'll say if I put my 10 pound in
You're allergic to Scots, avoid them and get to A n E.
GeorgiaS georgeGG
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georgeGG archemedes
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georgeGG GeorgiaS
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archemedes georgeGG
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georgeGG archemedes
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archemedes georgeGG
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GeorgiaS georgeGG
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archemedes
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Jock (a Scottish gentleman) decides to hide his Clydesdale Bank £100 note from his wife when she suddenly walks into the room, so he swallows it.
As the day passes he completely forgets about the note.
Next day he thinks to himself "I'll buy myself a new sporran, but where did I put that money?”, and then he remembers.
Unfortunately as he has been constipated for a fortnight there is no chance of the note making an appearance in the natural way, so he decides to visit his English doctor and explain his problem.
His doctor puts on the rubber gloves with some gel on the fingers, asks Jock to bend over for a rectal examination.
Jock is only too pleased to agree, and the examination proceeds.
The first four notes to come out are all Bank of Scotland £20 notes, and the last are two are fivers.
After much uncomfortable digging and prodding which is causing Jock some discomfort he shouts to his doctor “well then Ye English Git how am I doing”, to which the doctor shouts back, “I’m sorry Jock, there’s unfortunately no change, it's usually the case with tight-arsed Scotsmen”……..
Boom, boom
georgeGG archemedes
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