Need help please :(

Thanks Karin glad your taper is going well.

Mirts' side effects, or WD symptoms come in windows and waves, and so too does recovery ... I would put your faith in this being a wave and as you say you seem to have recovered 85% its a VERY positive sign.  So just a blip (nasty blip I know) tomorrow you'll probably feel different again.  Try not to dwell on it because anxiety feeds on anxiety, exasperates it, fuel to the fire ... I know its hard, CBT for anxiety is amazing, avoid coffee and alcohol for now.  

Sorry its getting late for me, must catch up with having a rest and switch off.  Chat tomorrow maybe.

Hope you feel better when Monday arrives.

Thanks Calmer. I'll try to do that.

Hope you have a good rest, and I'll check in tomorrow again if you don't mind

Thanks again.

Oh dear. I'm still getting waves of pressure in my head, anxiety and tearfulness. Some of today was OK, but I'm just not quite right again. I wish I had never been started on this stupid taper, I'm really worried now that I've permanently damaged myself and this will be my natural state.

I tried to sleep earlier and every time I nodded off I would get a huge surge of blood to the head, or adrenalin, I don't know what it is.

I just want to be back where I was before. I have to meet a colleague tomorrow and I really must not seem unwell. I've been doing it for weeks, meeting up with people to show them I'm myself again, and now everything has been undone. I feel really really depressed and frightened that I'm still not right. After the hell I went through with benzos, I simply cannot face an extended period of being like this. I just want it to stop. It stops some of the time. I'm not in a good place today. I thought everything was levelling out but this is horrible this evening. I'm having to hide in the spare room as my wife just shouts at me when I'm going through WD, even tho she knows the one thing I can't deal with is stress.

You know I'll bet anything, after the meeting you will feel a lot better, well the next day anyway ~ do you think that the very fact that you have "to perform" tomorrow is cranking up the stress & therefore the symptoms ... Mirt' symptoms work that way, blurrey Mirt ... and all psyche drugs !!  What is it now about 10 days since reinstatement ... look forward not back to the benzo nightmare because that horrific time was probably handled the wrong way by doing a fast taper instead of a 10% also.  Likening this episode to that is sure to make you even more apprehensive and add fuel to the fire.

Crying helps, definately, it releases pressure, go cry in that spare room whislt no one's looking - I won't tell if you don't.

Good luck for tomorrow - let your mantra be "I can do this", say it to yourself over and over, stay in the moment and stay present without thinking "what if this happens" - because the anticipation is always worse than the reality right ?

Even though this is tough right now, tomorrow once done I'm sure you'll feel relieved and in a better place - put your thinking to that maybe.

Thanks, it's just so disappointing and scary because before this taper I was on a roll with work, I was looking forward to seeing all these people again...I just can't come across as 'not right' to them.

I don't think the meeting is helping but regardless of it I am still getting unpleasant symptoms. I really seemed to be almost completely better and then they just revved Up out of nowhere. I need to get back to where I was, somehow. I'm going to stay at my brother in law's tonight, it's a nice calm environment. I am just praying that all this ends soon. Thanks for your support again

I'm out of the house and I feel better. It's an awful pressure cooker atmosphere in my house, my wife has no patience with my WD. It's the worst possible environment to try and recover in.

Worry about the job thing is definitely part of it but here's the thing: before I did the taper, I really, really looked forward to these meetings. Not remotely nervous. Now I'm very nervous and it's because I don't know if a waves will hit me when I'm with this guy, and if it does, will I come across as still unwell?

The whole point of these meetings is so it will feed back into the system that I'm back and we'll. And I so was! Until the taper. I had to leave my job over the benzo WD so I would be back freelance. I have to be rock solid to do that. No second chances. And it's literally the only organisation in my industry that I can get work in. This Mirt WD must, please God, just go away completely, soon.

It's a shame you reacted badly to a big taper, it's really knocked your confidence. I'm convinced Mirt finds our "weak spot" when tapering or when we're unsettled - remember it's not 'YOU', don't beat yourself up, its not that you're weaker , its the chemical reaction kicking up that's causing the anxiety ... AD's remodel the brain & with a change in dose it takes time to adjustI think it's important to keep that in mind.

"I can do this" big breaths ... good luck. 🙏

Thanks Calmer I'm still not feeling quite right but I hope I'll be ok. Appreciate the support!

Ok well I got through the meeting OK, altho I was faking it to make it!

Today for the first time I have felt pretty much 'normal' all day, so that's good. Is this over?

Please God yes. But at least I'm heading in the right direction...thanks again Calmer.

Yayyyy, sounds good.  Two steps forward one step back, I would keep on that dose for a while yet if, that is, you were thinking of tapering any time soon, if not then I'm sure you'll be fine.  Mirt symptoms are always worse when we're faced with a stressful situation.

Enjoy some well deserved peace Chris.

Oh for God's sake, this is still torturing me! for the past week I've had a deep 'depressed' feeling in the out of my stomach which absolutely was not there before this taper. It's there as soon as I wake up and tends to wear off in the evening. It's there today I just want to go back to the way I was, this is so unfair, it's ruining my life again, just like the benzos. It's feels like I'm permanently damaged by this taper. Every time I feel a bit better, I get clobbered again. I'm very despondent about this today.

And for the past few hours I've been absolutely fine! Every time I get a period like this I just pray that's it...it's so hard to plan a life like this.

Could I just ask one thing please? My shrink gave me a month's supply of 30 and 15 mg tablets, so I can take 45mg at once (he did this when it seemed I would be able to taper)...is there any possibility taking 1 30 and 1 15 together instead of 1 45 could be making this tougher? That probably sounds crazy...but I'm just eager to cover all the angles here! Thanks

Yes I understand your thinking.  Can you double check that all the tablets are the same manufacturer, mine are Rosemont, sometimes different manufacturers are slightly different 'apparently/allegedly'.  I can't see the difference in taking one 45mg OR 1 30mg + 1 15mg.

How many days is it now since you reinstated back to 45 mg??   Are you taking the same amount of Valium at the same time each day ~ I think this matters because you don't want to change both tablets at once.  3mg isn't a high dose anyway, but changing it may bring on symptoms also ... ugh !!  I'm thinking its about 2 weeks since you updosed?

The windows and waves of Mirt' symptoms are renowned, good day bbad day ... waking to anxiety in the pit of the stomach ... I think its how we react to it that matters ... because if we panic, and lets face it its so easy to do that (been there) it just escalates.  Trying some relaxation techniques or concentrating on the breathing would help.

Hope today is better Chris.