Never been so scared in my life.
Posted , 6 users are following.
My anxiety and agoraphobia have intensified, I am not keeping food down well, frequent toilet trips, constant panic and fear, little sleep, waking in panic, crying and screaming in distress and elevated intolerable panic on leaving the house.
I am due to restart therapy soon but can't get there and the doc said I wont benefit from it in this terrible state, I must stabilise first.
I have tried lots of meds in my life and had many adverse side effects which left me with an intense phobia of new ones, therapy could help with this too but I can't get there until I am stable.
I am currently on 20mg diazepam per day, been on that for years, the dose was increased by 2mg in January, it didn't do a lot but stopped me screaming so much.
This morning the doc said the only real option at this point in time is to increase it again to take the edge off and then seek the therapy for my problems and my phobia of new meds, sounds like a plan but I am scared.
He says I am tolerant to diazepam, this is true but when I updose I do still feel very strange, bit drunk, unsteady, spacey, poor memory etc.
Now I do need relief, I really do but I'm so scared it will kill me or something, current dose is as follows:
9mg am
4mg noon
7mg night
He said take:
11mg am
4mg noon
9mg night
Oh my gosh, I am going to be out of it on that much, I'm not sure it's even safe to take 11mg, I mean he is a doctor but it's a scary amount of diazepam to wake up and take and that is without the extra 2mg at night.
I realise I have no real choice, I and my family need some relief until therapy can start but it's a lot and I am tiny, I mean 5 ft 1 and 7 stone 4 so I am very slight, what if my body can't cope with it?
I am scared that it wont even help too but I have tried to be strong and face my fears, it's just too much at the moment though, I simply cannot cope with this level of anxiety and panic.
I always thought 10mg in one single dose was the max you could take so 11mg in the morning feels scary.
Gosh, so scared here, not sure what to do just know I do need something to take the edge off 
0 likes, 49 replies
BellaLuna
Posted
Well this is not good
I usually wake at about 5-6am screaming with anxiety, it is currently 5am here and although i am not screaming (yet) i woke at 3.30am with rapid heartbeat and cannot get back to sleep.
I took the extra 2mg as prescribed last night but have had less sleep than ever, my heart rate has come down but i cannot for the life of me get back to sleep.
I'm really worried now, clearly the increase has not helped me and no way do i feel safe increasing the morning dose as the doctor suggested meaning no anxiety relief and i still can't go out, it's my daughter's first day at secondary school too
I can understand it not working where i am tolerant but i can't understand it making me wake up even earlier than usual, it's horrible, i suppose i just sit here and wait for the screaming to start again now
BellaLuna
Posted
Slight update, even if writing here just gives me something to reflect on as I go along my journey.
I decided not to increase my morning dose today because I had so little sleep that I was afraid of over sedating, feeling drunk and plain horrid.
I was absolutely sky high with anxiety getting dressed this morning, took a step outside and felt as if I may well collapse!
Well today is also my daughters first day at secondary (high) school and I so wanted to be there, I got in the car, we set off nice and early and I actually made it, went to the shop, was highly anxious but did that too although I was clinging to my hubby for dear life.
Hubby then asked if I wanted to go to our favourite cafe, I was so scared but I went and it was mostly okay, it is outside of a cinema and it made me really sad to think that just a few weeks ago I was in that cinema but as of last week that would be an impossible task.
I do know though that my last relapse was just like that, the whole thing was baby steps and each time I tried to push too hard I just made it worse, I have a very long way to go, many issues with meds and therapy to face and am scared that tomorrow will be even worse than today, it happens like that a lot.
I am anxious just sitting at home, it's been like this for a while now, I always fear I will never get out again, the idea of going back out now terrifies me even though I have only just done it, probably because I am still finding it so hard.
It's a kind of mental torture with part of me thinking I should get up and force myself to go bck out right now but another part thinking 'No, that would be wrong, you have to go slow and steady', it breaks my heart to be like this though.
helen20833 BellaLuna
Posted
Good morning Bella
Wow, I am so proud you managed to take your daughter to school, to to go to the shop and cafe!
I know it's hard honey
Been there, done that, heart pounding, feeling I'm going to pass out.
We all have our own methods, our own coping strategies, Bella. I cannot advise you only tell you of my own journey.
Sitting in turmoil, should I go out? Should I stay in? That will make you worse. Personally I never pushed myself just to prove I could do it. That made me worse. The pressure was enormous. You have achieved a lot today now rest! Baby steps, Bella.
If you could let go, by that I mean this is today, stressing over what tomorrow will be like will pile on the pressure. With agoraphobia/ anxiety disorder it's very much the here and now that mattters, it's the here and now we have to deal with
I have to say, because I am ignorant of meds, I cannot offer any guidance but both Tess and Johnkov, who are both qualified, have
Please do not sit thinking, Will I manage to go out again! What you managed today you will manage again. But mulling it over, will I, won't I running round in your head, will only serve to flood your body with anxiety symptoms
We are all here for you, Bella
Your husband sounds wonderful and understanding. You've just lost your way a bit and it has frightened you and thrown you into panic
You'll get back on track honey. Hang in there. Keep the faith. Live for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Yesterday and what life was like is gone now. Let it go
Love and hugs, Helen xxx
lisalisa67 BellaLuna
Posted
helen20833 lisalisa67
Posted
Exactly, Lisa! I used to get well meaning friends/family pressuring me to go out. It made me miserable I can tell you. My personal experience with agoraphobia was I had to be mentally prepared and to take it slowly. Trying to shove me out of the door only succeeded spiralling me into panic mode, in making me feel a failure, ashamed and pathetic
Gentle encouragement ( and Bella's husband is magnifico at this ) works wonders. And the post where you asked, What's the worst that can happen? That is my mantra now! It has been of enormous help if, when out, I feel panic rising, or if, when I have an appointment to be faced, I feel fear.
One instance being only last week when I attended the hospital for my monthly eye injection. As a rule Stephen sits there and waits with me. I said, go for a walk round. He did and I was okay. I asked myself, sitting there alone ,what's the worst that can happen, lol. I might faint? I was in the right place if I fainted that's for sure!
More importantly, whilst it might appear a small achievement to some, to me it was huge! Confidence boosting,
That mantra for me has been a true blessing, Lisa!
Love from Helen
lisalisa67 helen20833
Posted
Great job! and guess what you also changed the way you "were " thinking. That is big in the journey of breaking apart the anxiety disorders.
helen20833 lisalisa67
Posted
Right! And whilst I might still be wobbly, lol, I don't have the same feeling of impending apprehension hanging over me, Lisa, every time I know I have to go out. Yes, I still feel awful at times...but hey...What's the worst that can happen?
xxxx
lisalisa67 helen20833
Posted