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New here, husband left

Posted , 13 users are following.

sara89946
sara89946

Hi there, I'm in my mid-40s, 4 kids all aged under 12. My relationship with alcohol developed in my late 20s and then settled into drinking a lot of wine mostly to ward off the boredom of being a stay at home mum. I was worried about my drinking so when I fell pregnant with my 4th child I stopped and didn't drink anything for three years. I didn't really miss it and thought I would never drink again. 

That went out the window when my sister committed suicide. I slowly started drinking again to dull the pain a bit. Then my dad died of a broken heart and my mum went into a full physical and mental decline and now lives in our house with moderate to severe dementia. 

So I had a fair amount of stress and was drinking 2 bottles of wine most days, sometimes a bit more, sometimes less with the occasional alcohol free day. 

I had a plan to quit drinking which I was working on very slowly - starting to do volunteer work to get me out of the house and not feel so trapped. I was working towards giving up when we move my mum into a nursing home as that was one of my major stressors. 

Sorry this is so long!

So anyway today I found out my husband has taken all the kids and moved out, enrolled them in new schools because I am an alcoholic. He has been planning this for months, not said anything to me at all. 

So, obviously I have stopped drinking. I can confirm that having my kids taken from me is worse than finding out my sister hanged herself. 

I realise I must have been really awful for him to take this step but he never once in those months said "hey, you need to stop drinking or I'm going to leave you and take the kids" because that would certainly have been enough for me. 

I'm just...feeling very lost. Any advice would be appreciated. 

2 likes, 31 replies

31 Replies

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  • emma84640
    emma84640 sara89946

    Posted

    Oh no I am so so sorry for you. 😔 That is certainly not on, your husband doing that. Ok it's not nice if he just upped and left but to take the kids?!?! And no warning. Can you get any legal advice? 

    Try to stay strong xxx

    • sara89946
      sara89946 emma84640

      Posted

      Thank you. I am in the process of finding a lawyer. I find it so strange that he has obviously been planning this for months, yet didn't bother trying to say "hey, you need to stop drinking"? Like, wouldn't it have been worth a try?

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 sara89946

      Posted

      wov!! Tough since I was in a similar situation to you and drank heavily and looked after my one year old twins....my wife did say many times STOP OR ELSE>..many warning signs and I did manage 5 years ago. YES it seems harsh to me..you have my full sympathy.

  • sheryl96253
    sheryl96253 sara89946

    Posted

    Dear Sara,  this is truly brutal.  You've known you had a problem and he did too, but to never talk about it, so sad.  I feel for all six of you, each in your own way.  Each one will have his own experience in this.  I pray that you can get legal advice while getting help with your problem with alcohol.  Your children need both parents in their lives, forever, and hopefully, the two of you can make this happen for the little ones you love more than you resent each other. I've started Naltrexone on the Sinclair Method and it seems to be making changes in the way I feel about alcohol.  I would suggest you read everything you can about the science behind it.  I'm in the USA and got it from my Dr. easily.  I understand many in the UK and Australia are not able to get it easily, if at all.  I'm so sorry for your circumstance and can be a shoulder and ear if you need...God bless you!

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 sheryl96253

      Posted

      Very nice and well balanced reply. You give great advice and you are getting your life back. Best of luck AND I MEAN IT.....Robin
  • Nat666
    Nat666 sara89946

    Posted

    Hi Sarah , you have been very honest with your story and its a very sad one  and I would agree with Sheryl that your husband has handled this brutally., more or less silently leaving. Good you have got on track with legal advice  , your children so so need both parents ! 

    I was a binge drinker and proudly have told people how I could stop and start and how i had stopped completely for several years after 2 detoxes and an NHS  residential   recovery programme .I believed I was in some kind of control and  after years began drinking again in weekend binging episodes but really when I was finally honest with myself I knew full well  I had no control.I stumbled across this forum and kept seeing  TSM /Sinclair method being mentioned so I looked into it and decided this was what I needed.It has an 80% success rate with those who remain compliant with the method.  I managed to get my nalmefene privately and  set off on my TSM journey last December,I had so much support on here which I was so thankful for.I am now 10 months in and I rarely drink but I know if I fancy a glass of wine I can take my pill and have it and it won't open the door to a full blown binge. I know I will always have to remain compliant and mindful but thats fine, I feel so blessed.This maybe just what you need Sara.Take a look at Paul Turners video One Little Pill on youtube  and the C3 Foundation website where there is a mine of information and support

    You can get your life back, there is a way  !  x

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 Nat666

      Posted

      Excellent reply Nat and what an achievement
  • sara89946
    sara89946

    Posted

    Thank you everyone for your advice and encouragement. I am a week without alcohol and no cravings at all. I started going to AA meetings, which I actually enjoy. I've also reached out to both in and outpatient alcohol counselling services. 

    My main focus is on working to get the kids back in their home and their school as this is taking a huge toll on them. If/when I get them back I will look into the medication - my GP mentioned it but said she didn't really like to prescribe it unless absolutely necessary. 

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 sara89946

      Posted

      One week and you feel 200% better and look better!certain. Great plan Sara
    • Nat666
      Nat666 sara89946

      Posted

      Well done Sara you sound like you are on a good path x
  • nicole36330
    nicole36330 sara89946

    Posted

    Lol,what does “absolutely nessessary l” mean!
    • sara89946
      sara89946 nicole36330

      Posted

      I think she meant if the patient was having such strong cravings they couldn't stay away from alcohol. 

    • sheryl96253
      sheryl96253 sara89946

      Posted

      Isn't that all of us? Struggling and "white knuckling" hasn't worked for me and I've left a lot of broken glass in my wake. The med is changing my brain so my behavior is different. Praying for your recovery and your kids getting back to a normal routine. I believe your future is bright because you are focused on your little ones. ?

    • sara89946
      sara89946 sheryl96253

      Posted

      Absolutely. My gp doesn't believe the med is appropriate for me right now but nothing is off the table. I am so very glad there are things that work!

  • ian02755
    ian02755 sara89946

    Posted

    Hi new on here to, nice to see I’m not alone with my problem. Alway tried to fool myself that it wasn’t that bad...4,5 or six pints everyday because I was turning up for work and managing to do it well. Even blaming anxiety problem on something else which resulted to time in hospital for a failed suicide attempt.

    • sara89946
      sara89946 ian02755

      Posted

      Oh Ian, I'm really sorry to hear this. Anxiety is a terrible thing. My sister took her own life, I'm very glad you are still here x

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