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New here, husband left

Posted , 13 users are following.

sara89946
sara89946

Hi there, I'm in my mid-40s, 4 kids all aged under 12. My relationship with alcohol developed in my late 20s and then settled into drinking a lot of wine mostly to ward off the boredom of being a stay at home mum. I was worried about my drinking so when I fell pregnant with my 4th child I stopped and didn't drink anything for three years. I didn't really miss it and thought I would never drink again. 

That went out the window when my sister committed suicide. I slowly started drinking again to dull the pain a bit. Then my dad died of a broken heart and my mum went into a full physical and mental decline and now lives in our house with moderate to severe dementia. 

So I had a fair amount of stress and was drinking 2 bottles of wine most days, sometimes a bit more, sometimes less with the occasional alcohol free day. 

I had a plan to quit drinking which I was working on very slowly - starting to do volunteer work to get me out of the house and not feel so trapped. I was working towards giving up when we move my mum into a nursing home as that was one of my major stressors. 

Sorry this is so long!

So anyway today I found out my husband has taken all the kids and moved out, enrolled them in new schools because I am an alcoholic. He has been planning this for months, not said anything to me at all. 

So, obviously I have stopped drinking. I can confirm that having my kids taken from me is worse than finding out my sister hanged herself. 

I realise I must have been really awful for him to take this step but he never once in those months said "hey, you need to stop drinking or I'm going to leave you and take the kids" because that would certainly have been enough for me. 

I'm just...feeling very lost. Any advice would be appreciated. 

2 likes, 31 replies

31 Replies

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  • kenny93401
    kenny93401 sara89946

    Posted

    Only your will power is going get you through this. In my opinion.

    not the Sinclair Method 

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 kenny93401

      Posted

      I have to disagree with Kenny. Most people cannot win with just willpower. I managed, but that does mean that everybody else can. I openly suggest The Sinclair Method since many people here did succeed but I never took any medication. Best always to seek medical advice.
    • Nat666
      Nat666 Robin2015

      Posted

      I would totally agree with you Robin that most people cannot win with willpower alone , you were one of the lucky ones, have come such a long long way and have done so so well. Will power never lasted for me , that little demon alcohol would always weedle it's way in no matter how hard I tried and determined I felt . So yes for me it was the Sinclair method and I have never looked back. But hey ho we are all different and different ways through suit different people .

    • sheryl96253
      sheryl96253 Nat666

      Posted

      If I might ask, how long on TSM before you felt in control?
    • Nat666
      Nat666 sheryl96253

      Posted

      Hi Sheryl .How are you doing on TSMI started TSM Dec last year. For me the effects of the medication gave an immediate reduction from a couple of bottles of wine a night to a couple of glasses I was a binge drinker and could drink anything available lol , mainly weekends but odd bottles would slip in during the week too. During the 1st 3 months of TSM there were a couple of blips when I drank more than I should have but this is apparently common at first but as time has gone on the process has really kicked in.The important thing to realise the nalmefene/ naltrexone are not magic pills and you need to work with them being company and mindful at all times .Since about 4 months in with TSM my desire to drink is less and less and I now go several weeks without a drink and when I do drink it's barely a glass of wine . I didn't venture social drinking for several months as I wanted to feel super confident that it was working for me but when i did I had a real fun time and no hangover.I am now at the stage when I recognise triggers that I would have drunk on not so long ago but certainly wouldn't think to now

      So it s a great process.I 10 months in now and would never look back

      I see you are on Naltrexone much easier to tolerate than nalmefene.How are you doing with TSM .Much better than trying to white nickel it isn't it ? x

    • sheryl96253
      sheryl96253 Nat666

      Posted

      Thank you Nat, yes, if will power and white knuckling worked everyone could do it. Thanks for your in-depth answer I so appreciate the insight. I'm about week seven and under some circumstances i can tell the drug is working. Other times my triggers (lovely husband) take over, but I always wait the hour. I only messed up once early on. I'm grateful for the mindful drinking component of this because that hour gives me time to assess the trigger and try to deal or react in a healthier way. I don't always eat before, but when I do my experience is much better.

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 Nat666

      Posted

      Excellent reply with so many small details and also from your own experience. Well written councillor!
    • Nat666
      Nat666 sheryl96253

      Posted

      Sorry about my misspells Sheryl in yesterday's reply but I think you got my drift lol.I would agree that eating before taking the meds does almost definitely make for a better experience. I have had a couple of occasions when I didn't eat so well and it certainly felt very different that was particularly apparent when I was taking nalmefene.

      You are still early days and it sounds like it is really working for you Sheryl. I know how you feel but don't beat yourself up thought the blips, it's not unusual in the early days but somehow sticking with it and keeping compliant just gets easier and easier in time .I know I felt so disappointed when I messed up in the early days. I started TSM 3 weeks before Christmas last year and thought I would sail through the festive season .I sunk a bit (literally) !and ended up with a horrible boxing day hangover.

      Keep sticking with it Sherylit's worth and you are worth it

    • Nat666
      Nat666 Robin2015

      Posted

      ha ha Robin cry  we all try and do our bit on here don't we 

    • Nat666
      Nat666 gwen45436

      Posted

      You do tickle me Gwennie ,good to read you are doing so well xxx
  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 sara89946

    Posted

    Dear Sara, I am so, so sorry to hear how sad your situation is at the moment...you have gone through so many events of great incredible sadness, which many others ( including myself ) would have folded...

    It must have been so traumatic for you with your sister very sadly, ending her own life. RIP...you father dying of a broken heart ,..RIP..And your poor must suffering with awful, cruel, health problems...

    And the worst..losing your children, I cannot imagine the pain you have felt, and still do...it was truly EXCEPIONLY CRUEL ACT both for you, and your beloved children...you must be very strong to have come this far..

    Ask for all of the help you feel you need...YOU DESERVE IT...you can get through this, explain to your husband honestly that you never meant to drink..you truly deserve to be forgiven...contact your GP...nurse..they can put you in touch with specialist Alcohol Workers who can help and support you in very many ways..

    You can have medication, detoxes...counselling. and much one to one help with people you can trust implicitly, and be completely, utterly honest...they are unshockable !!! And become a friend as well as a support to you...

    I truly hope that your husband gives you another chance, you love your children, and they must miss you terribly..he should never, EVER done what he has..get in touch with him, and talk to him openly also...

    I hope and pray that everything goes well for you...( as a mother of four..and once a dreadful appalling alcoholic ) my husband never, EVER gave up on me..

    I wept when I read your post, ..much love , warmth, and I wish you all the luck in the world ....never lose hope...xxxx

    • vickylou
      vickylou deirdre._03652

      Posted

      “Contact your gp, nurse, they can put you in touch with specialist alcohol workers who can help and support you in many ways. You can have medication, detoxes, counselling and much one to one help with people you can trust implicitly ............ they can become a friend as well as a support to you”

      ?I think the above may have been the case 20 plus years ago and I’m certainly not knocking or criticising you Deirdre. I had a home detox about 28 years ago. My cpn actually visited me at home 3 times a day for a week, as well as obtaining the Librium for me. I can’t see that happening now.

      Obviously the system is different now. Self referral or gp referral to ARCs, who certainly, from my experience, are of no help at all. What kind of specialist alcohol workers don’t know about TSM, have never heard of campral and ask you if campral is a bit like Antabuse?

      Maybe I was just unlucky, but from reading other forum posts on here, my experience doesn’t appear to be a one off.

      As I said before, I’m not criticising your very warm and honest post, just saying how things have changed, obviously not for the better. I too had a very supportive family who never gave up on me. However I do know that my husband reached a point where he asked my three kids if they wanted to leave home and live with him, and let me carrying on drinking.

      It was a last resort shock tactic and thankfully all three said NO. It certainly worked, no way was I leaving them, or my husband

      Sara’s husband must have been planning this for months, and in my opinion, was wrong. She wasn’t given the opportunity to change or discuss the consequences of her drinking.

      Sara, you sound very positive and determined. I do hope things work out for you. Please stay and keep posting on here

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