New - looking for help & advice - drinking too much - anxious
Posted , 8 users are following.
Hi all,
I am looking for some advice. First I'll give a background to my story. I started drinking heavily about 12 years ago. I was in my early 20s & it began at the beginning of a new relationship. I would drink before I met up with my boyfriend I suppose to give me confidence. He didn't know & I loved the chilled out feeling it gave me & I felt good. I continued to do this every weekend when we would meet up & it became a habit even when we moved in together I was secretly drinking. I had never done this with previous boyfriends & I think it was because this guy had a few problems of his own & they became worse when we lived together. He didn't like my friends & was dificult about a lot of things. He looked at life in a different way then me & many others as my family & friends weren't very fond of him. We stayed together for 6 & a half years & I drank secretly the whole time mainly at the weekend & it had become to numb reality of the horrible situation my relationship became. He had become more difficult, angry & sexually demanding. I felt trapped & drink was my escape. I ended eventually & I thought the drinking would then stop & I was free of it all.
As soon as I was in a new relationship which I was happy in I repeated the habit. When my boyfriend would come over I would drink beforehand I just liked the feeling it gave me & I wasn't as nervous meeting up. It was part of the excitement of meeting up I'd go get my vodka drink it while getting ready & he never knew just like my previous partner I was good at hiding it I guess. After a while this relationship went sour. My boyfriend had major jealousy issues which surfaced after 8 months together & a year in we broke up. After this I went out a lot & drank heavily leading to blackouts my friends were concerned & we put it down to the last relationships I had.
Then I met the love of my life! Yet I did the same thing the only difference is he discovered my secret. He suspected something was up from mr behaviour a while after we moved in together & I seemed intixicated he looked for the evidence & found bottles hidden in my wardrobe. He confronted me & I could see the pain & worry on his face. I told him I had done it in my previous relationship & I would sort myself out. I lied & said I went to the doctor & she told me I was using it to self medicate. We were trying for a baby so once pregnant drinking completely stopped. After I had my son the habit began again my husband discovered it one more time & I said I'd slipped up & convinced him it was a once off. I'm still doing it though. My son is nearly 4 now. It's mainly just on a Sayirday & Sunday night when my son has gone to bed & an odd time during the week. I drink with my husband on a Saturday a few drinks but I have a secret stash I'm sipping for too & once I start I just want to keep going. I know I have to stop this I'm just lost as to how to. I'm a good person people would be shocked to discover this about me. I'm friendly kinda quiet, nice person but I'm consumed with guilt about this especially towards my husband & son. I wait for Saturday to come all week to have my treat of alcohol. My friends are all into drinking a lot when we go out too so it's always there. Am I an alcoholic or drink dependant . Do I have to quit completely ? Please help !!
Thank you
Sadie Dee
2 likes, 58 replies
ihavenonickname sadie_dee70150
Posted
Yes, you have to quit completely.
Yes, you have to quit forever.
Yes, you need to find friends who do not drink
Yes, your husband must stop drinking.
Alcoholism is not something you turn on, then turn off, then turn on, then turn off. Alcoholism is everyday, all of the time, forever.
Children of alcoholics have a much greater risk of becoming an alcoholic...and I know that you do not want you son to live with the challenge you live with.
Social anxiety can be managed in other ways.
Thank you have written from your heart tells me that you know it is time to get help.
On this forum, you will meet many wonderful people who will reach out to you.
First, take every bottle from every hiding place and dump the contents down the sink.
Then attend an Aa meeting. Do not be ashamed...each person present has been there and done that.
Become involved in a 12 step program.
The going will not be easy..but I promise each day the going will become easier.
Plan to attend AA everyday.
I admire your frankness. I admire that you have asked yourself the very hard questions.
kind regards
judith
Joanna-SMUKLtd ihavenonickname
Posted
Why must Laura's husband stop drinking?
Joanna-SMUKLtd ihavenonickname
Posted
You answer to Sadie Dee is very black and white, full of what she must do.
I don't understand how you know enough about her from one thread to diagnose her and tell her what she must do, not to mention telling her husband what she must do too.
Can you tell use a little more about yourself, Judith. I notice you have been a member of Patient for 3 months and yet have notched up 688 posts and 1,000's of points in many groups. That's tough to do.
I am just curious as to what type of qualification you may have that allows you to diagnose someone as an alcoholic over the internet?
sadie_dee70150 Joanna-SMUKLtd
Posted
Hi Joanna,
I just posted below as Judith's post left me feeling confused. I thank you for asking more questions as it set me back a bit.
The thought of being labelled an alcoholic & AA meetings is very daunting & to elk my hubs be he must stop drinking is quite overwhelming.
Xxx
gwen45436 sadie_dee70150
Posted
Don't be overwhelmed, we will help you. If I told my hubs to stop drinking, he would tell me where to get off
vickylou ihavenonickname
Posted
If only it was that simple! Why on earth should Sadie's husband stop drinking?
i know many of you will disagree with me, but I don't want a life without any alcohol. When I first gave up, I missed so many social events, mainly for two reasons, 1) I didn't trust myself socialising with friends I'd partied and holidayd with, the temptation was too great
2) what was the point of mixing with people drinking, laughing and having a great time whilst I sat there bored to death wondering how I could disappear.
I remained sober for 4 years, and then started again out of curiosity. Roll on 20 years, I have a great social life, nice holidays and lots of family events and I drink at all of them. I don't touch spirits, but love a few glasses of rose wine.
i don't mind my husband drinking at all. He often asks if it bothers me. To me, him not drinking because of me, only makes me feel guilty.
i agree initially that it's wise to give a wide birth to old haunts, people I associated with drinking. I didn't want to loose their friendship and they knew and understood my reasons for not meeting them. I didn't want a set of new friends, or rather aquaintances, if they're real friends they will understand.
vickylou Joanna-SMUKLtd
Posted
i too would be very interested to know if you are qualified counsellor.
Judith, in one of your posts, you suggested an AA sponsor should be able to help with medication whilst withdrawing from alcohol. The op hadn't even got a sponsor. If a person themselves can't obtain the necessary medication, how on earth did you think her 'sponsor' would be able to help?
vickylou sadie_dee70150
Posted
Sadie
if you read my reply you'll see that those comments are a one of. I fully understand how upsetting that post was for you, I would have felt the same.
As Joanna said and I totally agree with her, why should your husband stop drinking, it's part of our culture. We will offer all sorts of help and advice, but we'd never tell anyone so bluntly what to do.
please keep posting, just forget that post, it's just one person liking the sound of their own voice.
good luck
Joanna-SMUKLtd vickylou
Posted
My gut instinct is that in her very well intentioned desire to help, which I applaud, Judith is simply out of her depth and has no actual experience of either alcohol use disorder or treatment. She is posting as if she knows what she is talking about and yet to those of us who DO know what we are talking about and are living experience of it, much of what she says is not 'real life'.
As you, me, and most everyone on this alcohol forum know is that alcohol use disorder recovery is a million times more complicated than what the theory books say it is. It's not like an infection that anyone can say 'take this antibiotic for 7 days and you will be infection free'.
Judith's posts stand out to me simply because they ARE so different to what others post. They sound informed and authoritive, but yet are never posted from what seems like her own experience, or the experience of others she may know that suffer from this condition.
vickylou
Posted
Joanna
"I too would be very interested to know if you are a qualified counsellor"
I wasn't referring to you, it was meant for Ihavenonickname. Sorry
Joanna-SMUKLtd vickylou
Posted
Oh yeah, knew that, so no need to apologise
I guess I just wanted to try and point out that I am not wanting to 'get' at Judith. That is absolutely not my intention. I just don't agree with her giving advice that sounds so conclusive, as if she is an authorative on alcohol addiction and treatment.
gwen45436 vickylou
Posted
Get you totally, I do not want a life totally without alcohol. But what I have found is because I have cut it out so much, that I can go for dinner to friends houses and have one glass of wine that lasts me a few hours, then if pushed another small glass, and that is it. I am done - tired and happy not only with the food and company, but also the fact I have kept it to a minimum. Happy days. It can be done
sadie_dee70150
Posted
Hi everyone,
Again thank you for your kind replies.
I have an appointment booked for my GP for this coming Monday. My husband has asked if I'm ok since telling him but we haven't spoken about it since but my head is whirling & I've felt nervous & now a bit confused.
I was set on telling my GP about the n. & using this method as it made sense to me but I'm also being advised to go cold turkey & quit. I know I can stop drinking I have done it before but I would still think about it & didn't like being around others drinking as I would feel jealous. I don't think AA is for me & I couldn't attend everyday I have a job & a child. I started thinking maybe I'll just quit drinking at home & only do it when suitable at social occasions. I'm the type of person who needs a plan at at the moment I feel lost. The weekend is approaching when I would drink but I'm going to try not to until my appointment.
If I using the Sinclair method helped me to achieve drinking normally this would be my ideal but wonder if my doc will prescribe them. I'm afraid I will be left to look after myself & not have a plan .
Sorry to sound so confused I think the drink monster is talking to me saying I can control my drinking myself just don't hide it anymore & you'll be fine.
Xxxx
Joanna-SMUKLtd sadie_dee70150
Posted
Good for you for making the first moves
Discuss all options and find the one that you believe will work for you and suit your situation the best. It may or may not be The Sinclair Method. Your doctor may have a more suitable option for you.
Please do not just 'go cold turkey and quit'. It may be dangerous for you to do so. Best wait until you have spoken to your doctor Telling a drinker to just go cold turkey and quit is irresponsible, especially in view of the fact that we know nothing about the rest of your health situation.
Good luck and let us know how things progress.
sadie_dee70150 Joanna-SMUKLtd
Posted
I will discuss my situation with my GP I just hope I can get it all out it was bit of a disaster last time. Might be best to write it all down first.
Thanks again
Sadie Dee
gwen45436 sadie_dee70150
Posted
Defo don't cold turkey. Writing down is a good idea; I did that pre going to my doctor then promptly burst into tears but it broke the ice, then she rubbed my hand and it started me off again.
But then I felt better for coming clean. Hugs to you............G.
sadie_dee70150 gwen45436
Posted
Thanks Gwen!
As I don't tend to drink during the week I might occasionally do one week night & I managed to cut out Friday nights - now it's Saturday & Sunday. I was going to not drink this weekend before the docs ap on Monday as I've told my husband I feel paranoid drinking infront of him, I got rid of the last hidden empty bottle so the secret drinking has to stop.
Maybe on Sat I will have my drink as usual but not be sipping from a hidden supply too & see how I get on & cut Sunday's out . I always a drink Saturday with him he just thought it was the amount I drank infront of him.
Your GP sounds lovely I'm glad you could speak to her. I'm going back to the one j tried telling before but it wouldn't come out properly due to shame. Xx
gwen45436 sadie_dee70150
Posted