New - looking for help & advice - drinking too much - anxious

Deirdre your support & lovely words mean so much to me. It really does help to feel understood. I hope you can work through this too.

I talked more to my husband tonight as I didn't know whether to get the usual bottle of whiskey for myself & him for the weekend when I was doing the food shop or not after telling him everything. I didn't get it & now I'm battling deciding whether to drink on Saturday or not & just see what the GP says. I suppose I'm looking for permission to drink on Sat I told my husband I might drink on Saturdays only & not as much & he said he won't judge but I'm paranoid,

What is your next step Deidre & what does your hubby want to happen now he knows about your secret stash?

Xx

Sadie

please don't start talking to colleagues about a personal problem. I think Judith is either away with the fairies, or living in the land of nod.

I am sure you're intelligent enough to see that would be a terrible idea. It is personal to you, not to work colleagues. There is a saying "a little knowledge is dangerous"  some people may think they know a great deal more than they actually do and for them to give advice can do far more harm than good. Joanna is a professional who has first hand experience of AUD (by the way, I hate the word alcoholic, AUD is much better), I would have thought that the word "alcoholic" is slowly being replaced.

take care xx

sadie my last sentence should have read "I would have thought that Judith would have known that the word alcoholic .................

ooops.

should read...your courage might just inspire someone in your circle of co-workers to walk along side you

And have you actually had a drink problem yourself, Judith?

Where are you getting your information from that says that she MUST do this, and MUST do that?  Her husband may wish to support her of course and not drink in the home, but that is his choice and not yours to state as if it is a fact to a successful recovery. 

You labellled sadie dee an alcoholic.  That is a very negative and shameful term.  It is quite true that sadie dee MAY be on the alcohol use disorder spectrum.  Her doctor will assess and determine that - not you.  She may be in the very early stages which doesn't necessarily man that she has to stop drinking completely and for the rest of her life.

And if she is, then she has a medical condition that needs to be treated with medical help.  Dealing with an alcohol problem isn't as black and white as you make it out to be.

And you haven't answered my original question, so please do.  What qualifications do you have to be diagnosing people as an alcoholic over the internet?

It really seems to me that you are meaning well but that you are giving people the advice that you read about on the internet.

I would like to hear you speak from the 'I' to show that you have more of an understanding of drink problems than what you actually have.  You seem to believe AA and absolutely and immedaite abstinence is the ONLY way and this cannot be further from the truth.

Your reply made Sadie Dee feel very uncomfortable, which I am sure was not your intention.

 

Furthermore.....

''May you find the words you seek to speak with your co-workers...may your co-workers see your courage and support your efforts. Your courage just inspire someone in your circle of co-workers to walk along side you.''

Sadie Dee - Please do not think of speaking to your co-workers about this yet, until you know what the full situation is and then if it is something that can be dealt with without the knowledge of your co-workers, then you may not wish to infrom them at all until a much later, date.... if ever.  Seriously, what lovely ideal little world does Judith live in over there in America??  You live in Ireland and if you bear your soul like this infront of co-workers for absolutely no reason whatsoever at this stage, you not only put additional pressure on yourself, but the end result may be a little less rosy than the picture Judith paints - you may well end up first to be fired for whatever reason.  For Goodness Sake, this is the real world we live in here, Sadie Dee - not the world that Judith seems to live in.

Hi Joanna,

I won't be informing my co- workers about any of this it is actually just my business at the moment. I don't know as you said what exact problem I have with alcohol at the moment. I can actually refuse drink when I'm out & I don't drink everyday or crave it all times of the day my weekend drinking became more like a ritual I have to have to look forward to.

I am not going to label myself at this stage & I spoke again to my husband last night & we agreed that I should just taper back & see how I get on so I'm only going to have a few drinks on a Saturday only with him knowing about it . He said he can see I don't be drinking during the day or around my son it's been at night. I will tell doctor & see what she thinks about this.

I have friends who drink the next day to cure a hangover I never do this - I'm a night drinker & I think my guy is saying I need to whittle this down.

I shall not be telling everyone I have a problem until I decide what's the best avenue to take & that might take a while. I might sound stong saying that but I'm not I'm worried & confused.

Thank you again for your support

Xxxx

really good idea not to tell work.

I did that years ago and then everytime I was out (not for drinking) there was suspicion (I'm sure) about whether or not i was drinking.

ALWAYS keep work/personal seperate.

You are doing just great right now.  Honestly.  You've really moved in the right directions since your original post!  

Asking for guidance, fact gathering, considering all the options jointly with your husband, discussing the situation with a medical professional in the coming days..... these are all very positive signs that you are facing the situation and are going to deal with it.

Of course, asking for guidance means some will be good, some will be not so good.  All is generally meant with the best intentions though.  That is important to remember.  No-one here would respond to purposely worry or confuse you, I am sure you know that.

There is no 'right' or 'wrong' when it comes to this condition.   There is no black or white answer.  What works for one person may not work for another.

I strongly suspect that despite her well-meaning advice, and her keenness to help you, Judith has no personal experience of alcohol use disorder. No case of alcohol disorder is as straightforward as she makes it out to be.  Hell, if we could all just stop drinking then we wouldn't be in this position, would we?

Of course, that doesn't make her wrong because if you think about it, we don't insist that a cancer specialist treating us has experienced cancer themselves.

But her responses seem text-book to me.... rigid... and gives no thought or consideration to the complexity of alcohol use disorders.  It's like she is 100% certain that what she is saying is the only way.  In her desire to help you, she is not taking into account any of your individual circumstances.

I am not saying Judith is wrong, I am right.  She has her beliefs, or her google searching, but she should not be posting in wording that implies she knows all about this condition to the point that she can definitely say what you must do to recovery.  Hell, not even the worlds top addiction specialists can agree on that!

Thank you, Misssy. 

And I have been very pleased to read that you are rolling along nicely.  Brilliant stuff.  Very pleased for you indeed.

 

Hi sadie, absolutely don't tell your co-workers.  I never ever did.  I had a good job as a PA and was really highly thought of - I gained several very good increases in salary and no one ever suspected my problem, because I did not tell ANYONE.  It was my business.  I have always been an evening drinker and usually end the evening with water before bed, just because I feel guilty on my organs.  To me, personally, you do not sound you have a problem, you don't drink every night - so you are not craving it.  I truly think you can taper back; I have done and I drank every single night for 40 plus years. 

One little point I would make when "coming out" about alcohol use. 

I never did to my work colleagues and remained my usual smart, professional self, who solved problems with many many colleagues.  Interviewed staff and employed them.  But, since telling my doctor about my fears earlier this year - my oh my how my appointments  with her have changed - I have changed - as soon as I sit down to speak with her, I lose it and my voice shakes and I feel all she is thinking is "did she drink last night" it is just awful.  I was there this morning for an issue nothing to do with alcohol and felt calm in the waiting room, but once I sat down, my voice went nuts.  My confessing has put me on the back burner and dented my confidence!!  I am cross at this.

So far be it from me to give advice as an AUD sufferer, but by telling your co-workers will, in my honest opinion, make you feel vulnerable.  Taper down slowly and get to acceptable levels.  Hey if I can, you can Mrs.  Think about it hun.....................G.

And always here for a chat x

Don't stress too much - I have found the less I drink, the less I want and I now enjoy a little glass of red each night with hubs - who has a pint of beer.  End of.......................G

"wink" Thank you Joanna.

Yea, I thought I would share my success with alcohol cessasation at work as I was so proud...but it really did bite me in the end.

I was 8 years sober...so it really wasn't a problem but what bit me was...anytime I wanted time off or called in..the for a very long time (at least the first year) were very suspicious of my reasons for being out..not trusting that...I really was just needing to be out for other reasons.

Awesome post, Gwen.

This is exactly what I am trying to say and you said it brilliantly!

There is ideal word vs. real world.  Most of us work in the real world which is very harsh.  Rightly or wrongly, employers do discriminate.  It's a fact of life.  Why give them additional cause?

The only reason I came out about my drinking to help others was because I am self-employed, 46 years old now and know full well that my desire for a career is well over.  If I ever wanted another job it would be in the line of work that wouldn't need an in-depth squeakly-clean image. 

Thanks Joanna!

Gwen that makes me feel hopeful . I'm a weekend heavy drinker & maybe I can begin to taper this back - I'm cutting out Sunday to start with I think I'm a creature of habit.

I'm delighted you can now have a glass with your husband & have broke that vicious cylcle. I suppose we automatically think if we have a problem we must quit for good - I thought I would have & that's why I didn't face up to it. I'm still afraid the doctor will tell me to quit but I'll have to see. I might actually have the control to taper it down fingers crossed .

Thank you & vice versa for chats xxx

I understand Judith is coming from a good place it just sounded like a set of rules to follow that we all must follow. I think each person is individual & has there own issues. My drinking certainly stemmed from my bad relationship which I have never dealt with properly I suspect it's why I have anxiety to this day

Xxxx

Well my girl, you are a mere baby, but may I say, very acute to this situation.  Far too young for you thinking like you do, you are an absolute god send to many companies - thank you for your kind comments - I so hope someone can get what I am saying.

Thank you, Gwen.

You may laugh when I tell you that before I became self-employed my actual career job was as a bank manager!!!  I think that has more shame to it than being called an alcoholic, ha ha.

Being a drinker and a bank manager generally doesn't mix well, of course.  My claim to fame as it were, was that I convinced everyone that I was on a health drive (decent cyclist, too, so it seemed plausible) and so it was okay that I was eating 8 or 10 oranges a day, for months on end..... what I was really doing was injecting the oranges with vodka!

At the time, I thought I was rather clever for inventing such a great idea.

It lasted a while, before I got caught out at work.  Thankfully, my area boss had trained me 16 years earlier and knew me well.  He knew I was a good person.  I got passed over for an area promotion, which I admit was justified, but because I sought treatment, he gave me the benefit of the doubt.  I am forever thankful to him for that, because without that career, I would've lost my house. 

I've had over 20 years of fighting my drink problems.  I've lost 3 relatives now to this condition.  It was 2013 when i finally found what worked for me.

Everyone is different - that is the whole point, isn't it?

But what remains the same (I believe) is that a drinker can't kid another drinker, and we all try hard to support each other on this forum

Oh Sadie - I really think you are lookiung into this too much, may I ask hw old you are

Sadie, I have a feeling you are looking into this far deeper than you need.  How old are you if I may ask?  I am a young 66 but most of my mates are in their 40 or 50s - they ALL go for it at weekend.  My bestie is 46 and kills Processo at weekend - and she may have the odd glass in the week if work has got her down.  She is not alcoholic.  Just because you like to calm down does not mean you are.  Too much is put on people that if they drink - they are bad - rubbish rubbish.  Nothing wrong with calming down in an evening with a glass. 

Of course you should feel hopeful - good grief girl, at the moment you dont have a problem - and yes you can just taper - I can tell you straight up, when you do it feels like a gold star from school days...............G.

 

Hi Gwen,

I'm 36- I think I'm tormented with guilt about all the secret drinking & full of shame. Often when I drink I want to just keep going so this is what I want to try & taper down. Having s secret stash isn't good so that has to go to. I want to see what I can achieve by reducing my drinking to one night a week. Hopefully I will be happy with this & happy getting tipsy rather that intixicated until I just fall asleep.

I hope as you say I don't have a bad problem with it.

Xx