New sexual partner - advice needed

Posted , 6 users are following.

Dear all,

First, I will apologize if this post is too personal and graphic but I didn't know where to turn to with my worries. After 20 years without sexual intercourse (to a great extent due to my LS), I have started a journey to regain my sex life. In the beginning of the year, my vaginal opening was widened surgically which was quite successful. Since then I have worked with dilators but I am still rather tight down there and the scar tissue is not elastic. I am in the process of separating from my long-time partner since our love life has been dead since ages and I have also started dating. A couple of months ago I managed to have intercourse for the first time in 20 years, which felt fantastic even though it caused me some tearing. It was a relief that it worked out. Next time with the same partner went smooth, no tearing and I was in heaven. Sadly, this relationship didn't work out for other reasons but I am now dating a great man who seems to really like me as a person. We have had one hot, intense night which unfortunately caused me pain and splits and I am still hurting two days afterwards. It was worth it anyway, but I know that I cannot go on like this every time, especially if we will see each other often. This guy is experienced and (unfortunate for my LS) quite large compared to my previous partner this autumn. He seems natural and easy to talk to and I believe that he is open to other ways of sex than penetration. At least, we also had oral sex during this night. But I feel so awkward. I am afraid that he will comment on my architectural changes (he did notice that I am tight down there) since he seems well aware of what the female parts look like and how they work. How do I bring this topic up without destroying everything? I am scared that he will turn away and feel disgusted or that he will be too afraid of hurting me which will take the joy away. I am a quite sensual, open-minded person and I enjoy sex . Luckily my clitoral area is quite unaffected but this horrible disease keeps stressing me out. I would very much appreciate all advice how to manage this situation? How do I bring this up? It will feel horrible to be rejected because of LS.

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  • Posted

    HI brave lady , I totally understand your fears and concerns . When I finally got diagnosed I was in a fairly new relationship and moving to live together.

    I was terrified of telling him as i felt not a complete woman anymore .

    But I did , I will not lie and say that it has been easy as due to other things going on I have been very stressed and as you know this is a no no with LS.

    We use lots of lube as once past the effected part its lovely to feel sexual again.

    I then douce with lavender and bicarb and wash with Derma 500 afterwards straight

    away .

    I also give him a lot of oral as I am too sensitive now as my hood is affected badly.

    So glad that you are taking that leap back as I am determined not to let LS take my female pleasure xxx

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    • Posted

      Hi Susan,

      Thank you very much for your reply! There seems to be some hope even though I feel quite low today since I am in pain thanks to in all other ways a great date. May I ask how you told your partner? If this question is too personal, don't answer. I thought I might say that I am sensitive down there and I cannot tolerate too much penetrative sex. Informing him about LS might make him google and find horror pictures, cancer risk etc. I can really relate to not feeling like a real woman. 😢 It's sad, I know it's not true but emotionally it feels like that.

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    • Posted

      Hi, not at all do I mind telling you , we need to share with each other to keep ourselves sane 若

      I explained to him I had a problem that caused me much embarrassment and discomfort . That I was not infectious and diseased ridden .

      I explained all about LS being an auto immune disorder and how managing it is trial and error and I did give him the opportunity to end it sadly . As i explained that sex will be different with me. I also told him that I am still very much a woman and do not want sexual relations to be a thing of the past.

      I will not lie to you that I have struggled as at times I have not felt great about myself and worried about the way I look down there 

      Hopefully we all find partners that love us and will be patient enough to support us through our flare ups and love us regardless .

      What I will say is be honest with him and a good man will understand and one that leaves is not worthy of your love and honesty .

      Good luck let me know how you get on xxxx

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much Susan! I hope I will have the strength to be honest, since I have the feeling this man is a keeper.

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  • Posted

    Hi, I think at this stage of the relationship you need to be realistic and honest. I am married to a 'large' man and so I know it is a problem.

    I think I would tell him that you have LS, but I wouldn't go into too much detail at this stage, as it is not necessary as he is a new boyfriend, not a life partner. Explain that you can have sex but not frequently as you tear very very easily, but you can do other stuff in between those times. With regard to worrying about whether he will notice the difference in your architecture, I wouldn't worry about that as it is the least of your problems and not something that men really notice. That's what I have found anyway.

    When you have sex maybe get on top so that you can guide him in and it is less stress on your Vjay. The days of having rough wild sex tend to come to an end when you have LS, you have to go slower, much slower, but that can be pleasurable too.

    In the meantime continue using your dilators and try to go up a size/level so that it will be easier to accommodate him when you do have sex. Never have sex with him when you are cut and sore as this will make things ten times worse.

    I admire that fact that you are trying really hard to regain a sex life..good for you!

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    • Posted

      Thank you very much Guppy. That is very good advice. You are right that I have to tell him. Maybe, it is not as dramatic as I think. I am now in my 50's and at this age, women without LS sometimes also have problems with dryness etc. Not as extreme as LS of course but maybe he won't be that chocked. I am trying to think positively now.

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  • Posted

    Hi, I think at this stage of the relationship you need to be realistic and honest. I am married to a 'large' man and so I know it is a problem.

    I think I would tell him that you have LS, but I wouldn't go into too much detail at this stage, as it is not necessary as he is a new boyfriend, not a life partner. Explain that you can have sex but not frequently as you tear very very easily, but you can do other stuff in between those times. With regard to worrying about whether he will notice the difference in your architecture, I wouldn't worry about that as it is the least of your problems and not something that men really notice. That's what I have found anyway.

    When you have sex maybe get on top so that you can guide him in and it is less stress on your Vjay. The days of having rough wild sex tend to come to an end when you have LS, you have to go slower, much slower, but that can be pleasurable too.

    In the meantime continue using your dilators and try to go up a size/level so that it will be easier to accommodate him when you do have sex. Never have sex with him when you are cut and sore as this will make things ten times worse.

    I admire that fact that you are trying really hard to regain a sex life..good for you!

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  • Posted

    Ullis, I am hardly one to advise as I am not sexually active so it hasn't come up. Also, I am only 6 months into LS with no major symptoms. However, I do have atrophy due to low estrogen. As I understand it, all women past menopause have atrophy to some degree. Are you post menopause? If so, couldn't you just say you have menopausal related issues and have to be careful re sex? It wouldn't be untrue. You could say you also sometimes have a skin problem like eczema if you wanted to get detailed. Be sure to let him know like eczema or psoriasis it is not contagious.

    If you have recently left a long term sexless relationship, that would certainly be a good reason to take things easy initially, right? Have you explained that?

    Re architecture I think genitals vary widely, so unless this guy is taking a survey I wouldn't worry about it.

    In my case I am now using hormone cream for the atrophy, so maybe I could have intercourse without disastrous results, but I doubt I will be putting it to the test. Slim pickings in my world.

    Do you use hormone cream?

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  • Posted

    Ullis, I am hardly one to advise as I am not sexually active so it hasn't come up. Also, I am only 6 months into LS with no major symptoms. However, I do have atrophy due to low estrogen. As I understand it, all women past menopause have atrophy to some degree. Are you post menopause? If so, couldn't you just say you have menopausal related issues and have to be careful re sex? It wouldn't be untrue. You could say you also sometimes have a skin problem like eczema if you wanted to get detailed. Be sure to let him know like eczema or psoriasis it is not contagious.

    If you have recently left a long term sexless relationship, that would certainly be a good reason to take things easy initially, right? Have you explained that?

    Re architecture I think genitals vary widely, so unless this guy is taking a survey I wouldn't worry about it.

    In my case I am now using hormone cream for the atrophy, so maybe I could have intercourse without disastrous results, but I doubt I will be putting it to the test. Slim pickings in my world.

    Do you use hormone cream?

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    • Posted

      Thank you very much for great advice Beverly! Putting it this way should hopefully not scare him off. I am not postmenopause, but my periods are irregular so it is on its way. Since a few months I use estrogen pessaries and I believe they had some positive effects. Previously, I had lots of pain in the urethra and bladder but this has improved. I will tell him that it was a bit too intense last time after my long break and that we have to be a bit more careful.

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  • Posted

    Hello, I think it is brilliant that you have raised this issue, as it is sometimes - when we are 'enmeshed' in the practicalities of dealing with our LS - that we can forget about the essential nature of a pleasurable sex life!!!

    So, I would only want to comment on keeping your genitalia in the healthiest possible condition, rather than the specifics of dealing with the practicalities of your current sex life. I am a male who has been dealing with LS for the bast part of 8 years - each day I strive to keep my penile skin as healthy as possible. Essentially, this in practical terms means never getting to the point of having scar-tissue, redness, or the alternative of the tell-tale white-plaque skin appearance.

    My penile skin, however, is very susceptible to being easily damaged, such as when it is accidentally hit / knocked / bumped or other wise by fingernails - and the problems this causes is that when the skin is damaged or torn, it will immediately bleed (quite significantly on occasions), thus immediately curtailing sex or self-pleasuring.

    Such skin then takes anywhere between between 2 and 5 weeks, or even longer, to completely heal so that sex or self-pleasuring can subsequently recommence. To achieve the healthiest skin possible I constantly use Clobetasol (I find Dermovate the best ointment for me), on the days when I am likely to be 'active' later that day, I apply the steroid in the morning, then anywhere between 4 and 2 hours prior to activity commencing. Yes, this takes some forward planning, but when I put this in place. my skin has a much greater possibility of staying healthy, just when I want it to most!

    Obviously, in what I have read from your thread, I do not know whether you are using a Steroid ointment at all? Perhaps if you are you, could gain some benefit and practical skin health betterment from my observations of what I strive to achieve for my own LS infected skin ...... ?

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    • Posted

      Hi,

      Thanks for your very important comment. You are so right, that the basis is to keep the affected areas in as good shape as possible. I am using Dermovate, sometimes daily and sometimes just once a week. Right now when I have splits, I use it twice daily to prevent a flare up. I have had LS for 40 years and the disease has not seemed to progress or be especially active during the latest 10 years. But I have quite severe scarrring from previous flare ups. I also use moisturizer as vaseline, and Bepanthene or Inotyol when I am sore. I think it is so depressing not enjoying a sex life so I will really try. I know it is possible with a gentle understanding partner. I hope I just have found him. We will se.

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    • Posted

      Hello, thank for the reply. The main contrast between Men and Women with LS is the huge difference in skin area that Women can have infected, rather than the relatively small head and foreskin area of the Male penis.

      It is really interesting to know that you are a Dermovate user and that you are still getting severe issues such as skin splits! How long have you used Dermovate? I have used it for almost 8 years now, and as I say, other than the accidents with bumps and fingernails, it keeps my skin pretty-much healthy most of the time as long as I get the frequency of application right. That is, the more active I am, the more frequent I need to use it.

      The other essential I need to be wary of the skin becoming less supple, to the point where shrinkage is clearly noticeable. Again, one of the natural contrasts between Men and Women with LS, where some Women use Dilators, I have found that I benefit from gentle use of a penis developer - certainly not to gain something that was not there before in terms of 'natural' or normal size - but, as part of the process of overall skin heath. However, there is usually half the year where I am unable to use this as my skin is still recovering from the last injury, and can too easily break down again.

      So, certainly, when my skin is healthy enough, I will apply the Clobetasol and do skin stretches to keep my foreskin as supple as possible. Another issue I need to watch for is because I suffered Phimosis as a teenager, and, due to the fact that my foreskin is completely fused to the lower-half of the head of my penis, the fused skin is slowly 'creeping' towards the Urinary Meatus (pee-hole) - and this is a known complication in Men with LS. Again, the only way to prevent further fusing, or here, the creeping of skin towards the meatus, is to ensure I do stretch the skin as effectively as I can without damaging it.

      I must say that one of the further complications is that I believe my LS infected skin suffered an accumulative effect of having many different skin lotions, anti-septic creams and so on rubbed into it over a period of 3 decades before my LS became so obvious that I simply had to stop applying anything. And now, I simply apply the Clobetasol. I did try one of the tips from another forum on here suggesting Olive Oil, but I had a severe flare up with this, and have not tried anything else since.

      With what I have just said in mind, and the fact that you are currently experiencing skin splits, I wonder if you have ever tried just using the Dermovate and applying nothing else for a period of around 4 or 5 weeks? Or, do you think that you would simply have too much else going on that you still need to apply the other things you have mentioned ..... ?

      Obviously, in talking about LS I wonder if you have changed your diet at all since you were first diagnosed? Are you aware of the postings on Women's Health / LS by Nancy KB and Starlight8 where they detail the Dietary requirements, Vitamin and Mineral supplements to take as LS sufferers? Indeed, if I remember rightly, I believe Starlight8 addressed the issue for the essential to gently stretch Genital skin that was LS infected to help keep it as supple and healthy as possible .......

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    • Posted

      Hi,

      Thanks a lot for all advice. My current splits were caused by a too intense sexual intercourse last weekend. Normally, I don't get splits without putting pressure on the affected area. I also have problems with many different creams and oils and usually stick to Dermovate and vaseline. These work fine. Unfortunately, I am a long time sufferer and I haven't responded that well to clobetasol. The scar tissue won't go away so I will have to do the best I can in my situation. I haven't really tried diet changes since I love food and having a drink sometimes. It feels like I should allow myself to enjoy some things in life, now when sex is that problematic but I guess that might be wrong.

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    • Posted

      With the skin splits, I would suggest it is possible to get the balance right and keep your skin nice and supple so that these kinds of occasions can be enjoyed more as they should, without the skin splitting. Yes, as I said in my previous response, even I get it wrong sometimes, but approximately half the year my skin is in really good condition and can withstand the most strenuous of activities.

      Just a minor detail, Dermovate is simply a Brand name for the topical steroid that was initially developed and named " Clobetasol ", So, Dermovate is Clobetasol - while there are several Brands that sell their own version of Clobetasol, such as ClobaDerm, they should actually ALL be the same, and provide exactly the same beneficial impact, but I find Dermovate Ointment (not the cream version) has the most beneficial impact. And for those that have to purchase their own steroid ointments, Dermovate has a long expiry date and can be used after it has been opened (or first used) for longer than two months. This is, why I suggest, some Women with LS find the Clobetasol (in whichever actual Brand) they have used is no longer effective - it may simply have been opened for longer than two months or is simply gone past the Use By date.

      The other essential that many Men find when they have Penile Skin problems is that day-to-day cleansers such as regular soap, shower gels, hair shampoo play a great part in making their condition worse. For Men who are not circumcised it is relatively easy to cover-up the head area of the penis when showering, and, to simply not wash their penis with soap at all (it is the penile head and foreskin that is most sensitive to cleansing agents). This, is one of the very basic recommendations that Urologists will insist their patients put in place when they suffer penile skin issues that are Dermatologically based, or are one of the Lichen Disorders - or they suspect that this is what they have.

      For Women with LS, you can imagine how difficult it would be to exclude ordinary soaps, shower gels and prevent hair shampoo from getting on their bodily skin, particularly the Vulva region - unfortunately again, I would suggest this is one of the major reasons some Women struggle to control their LS. Soaps and shower gels that are for sensitive skin do exist, and finding the one that best suits their skin type would provide a major boost to many female LS suffers, if only they went through the process of finding the one that suits them best.

      In terms of diet, Nancy KB manages to completely control Her LS through a Dietary regime that includes the right balance of Vitamin and Mineral supplements. So, this shows what can be achieved without the need for topical steroids! The essentials would probably vary from person to person, but excluding sugar, trying a Gluten Free diet, or actually doing a little research on beneficial foods, specifically for those with Auto-immune conditions, would likely provide great benefit. In terms of supplements, getting a good daily level of Vitamin D3 and Minerals such as Zinc are also essential in the control of LS.

      You do not need to put in place the entire list that Nancy KB and Starlight8 have recommended - it is getting the core mix of putting in place the essentials that are right for your body that will provide immense benefit for you (or any female LS sufferer!). Something to think about, and as most of these things are not expensive, you could put some of them in place one at a time, and constantly work at reducing the most harmful foods from your diet eventually. No need to change overnight - it is working towards what is most beneficial for you that is the most important thing! .....

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    • Posted

      Actually, I don't find it difficult to avoid a lot of exposure to soaps when showering. The way the body is structured protects the genital area in women quite a bit. Of course, due to dry skin I have never soaped up all over. Just the essential areas, so I have just eliminated one essential area.

      Someone has posted successfully using Dove for sensitive skin (I think it was). I haven't been brave enough to try. Hydromol was another that was posted. Quite a few have actually been mentioned, but I haven't tried them. Trying to not upset the apple cart!

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