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Newly diagnosed: I feel like my life is over.. also, I have NO idea how to tell my boyfriend.

Posted , 11 users are following.

kkotz123
kkotz123

Lets start out with the fact that I am completely heartbroken... all self-confidence that I had kinda got shot down the drain today. I feel dirty, gross and disgusted with myself... and if I'm so grossed out how is anyone else supposed to see me.

I have been with my boyfriend for the past 4 months, this is my first mature relationship and I have never felt this way about anyone. I love him. But of course, I fear that when I let him know that I went to the doctor and got these results, my automatic fear is that he will never want to be sexually involved with me again... (he’s the sweetest guy so him just being like BYE would never happen) I really can't see anyone wanting to be sexually involved with me again.. I know maybe I'm over reacting... but I just have NO idea how to start this conversation.. especially because I think I may have contracted it from him through oral. It just would kill me if this was something to ruin something that's so important to me... and I know there’s the whole "If he’s not willing to still around than f*ck him" but I honestly don't know if I even would expect him too because I feel to gross... 

I guess this all comes to the conclusion that...

1. I feel like a normal sex life is impossible.... like spontaneity = down the drain.. and I'm only 19 

2. How should I break the news.. in the best way possible?

3. Having kids is one of the MOST important things to me in life... how is that going to be effected?

and lastly and most importantly..

How did you guys gain and find your confidence back.. because I dont want to feel grossed out about myself forever.

0 likes, 17 replies

17 Replies

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  • mandyhappygolucky
    mandyhappygolucky kkotz123

    Posted

    Hello KKotz,

                      Sorry you have HSV, don't get down about it your not dirty or disgusting, you will get over it, I'd usually write an essay telling to people about this but I don't have time to do so atm, I just wanted to answer your question about having kids, I have just had a baby less than a week ago and I have HSV-2, it's no problem having kids with this virus, as long as you inform the midwives you have it, 4 weeks before your due date you will be advised to take anti-viral tablets to prevent an outbreak happening before birth, I did and they worked, I was outbreak free while on them and I went on to have a normal delivery, if you do have an outbreak at the time of birth they will deliver via c-section, there is millions of women with this virus and they have healthy happy babies just like I did, so don't stress you can/will still have children.

    And it took a long time to gain my confidence back, after informing my bf of 6 years I had the virus (caught via oral we think) we are coming upto our 11th year together this year and he remains outbreak free, so he either dosen't have it or is asymptomatic, he wasn't phased by it, you will get over it and gain your confidence back I assure you.

    Mandy smile

    • m0yra29051
      m0yra29051 mandyhappygolucky

      Posted

      Hi I am happy you and your newborn are safe I just experince my first outbreak well iam not postive I have herpes 2 I had protected sex a month ago and still have a rash with no lesions or blisters just red spots I Google and this was the first thing that pop out I was so depressed I couldnt believe it I thought it might been a alergic reaction from the condom but its a month and 4 days and nothing has change only that my vulva has no rash only on my anus around and on sides of my butt I did get tested to early but find out it was herpes 1 but nothing in my mouth my herpes 2 result came to be .90 negetive and 23. High postive for herpes1 and I dont know if it could be a rash or what and if you think it is then can you advice me how to have sex when wanted to consive a baby because dont we have to use protection so I wont infect my partner in the future if I meet a guy that wont care if I have this thank you for heraing me out hope to hear from you soon congrats on your baby 
    • mandyhappygolucky
      mandyhappygolucky m0yra29051

      Posted

      Hello m0yra,

                         thank you kindly smile , I don't understand the the herpes blood tests, I had a culture test where I tested positive for HSV-2, that is where there is an active sore that the doctors break and take a swap of the fluid and test for herpes.

      I think you should go the the sexual health clinic and get the rash looked at it could be something else, might not be as bad as you thought.

      I have HSV-2, it came about after being in the same relationship for 6 years, we are not sure how I got it but we are still together now, coming up to year 11, my partner does not have HSV-2 or has never had a blister hes maybe asymptomatic, either way we only use protection for contraceptive reasons, throughout the pregnancy we didn't use protection, but when I had the coil (a device fitted inside to stop the release of eggs so I didn't get pregnant) we never used protection, if you do want to have unprotected sex with your partner and minimise the risk of infection then make sure you are not having an outbreak at the time, the signs are a tingling pain sensation in your leg/thigh/vj, a red patch where outbreaks occur, or itching and burning in that area, these are the times you are most likely to pass the virus on if you have it, if you are still worried about passing it on and you only have outbreaks in an area like just in your pubic hair then you can put vaseline on that area to create a barrier where nothing can pass, hope this helps.

      Also I stopped taking the anti-viral meds the day I went into labour (you have to stop if you are breastfeeding your baby) and was so worried I would have an outbreak ( I can cope with the outbreaks but I have stitches down there and didn't want them to get infected with HSV-2) so I took the adivice people have been mentioning and have eaten pineapple everyday for the past 2 weeks and remained outbreak free all this time, Im convinced it has worked, I eat it for breakfast everyday now, always fresh pineapple though, try it.

      Mandy smile

    • m0yra29051
      m0yra29051 mandyhappygolucky

      Posted

      Thank u so much I do really hope its something else And ur advice was really helpful because I do want to be a mother and hope I have a healthy baby thanks mandy 
  • CM76
    CM76 kkotz123

    Posted

    I've got to be honest, I really felt I had to reply because your post looks so much like mine when i first found out. First of all  - you didn't do anything wrong. My mother had to repeat that to me a dozen times. Anyone who's ever had sex has put theirselves at risk, including your boyfriend. That's the attitude you have to have when you talk to him. Matter-of-fact, and not wincing like you're confessing to some horrible crime, especially if you think you hay have contracted it from him. I also find it helpful to phrase it in a way that isn't so stigmatized. Instead of "I have Herpes", maybe try, "My blood tested positive for the antibodies of the Herpes Virus, which means I've been exposed to it through you or someone else". Follow that with, "I'm scared that..." or "I'm worried that you..." and state what is on your mind. I also think it's important to explain that herpes isn't a constant thing. Some people don't really have any pain. My best friend has had it for 16 years (since her first time, poor girl) and her husband of a decade is still negative. Your life is not over. You are not gross. Your children will be fine. It's important to remember that one in every handful of mothers gave birth with herpes. We're medicinally advanced enough to ensure the safety of your baby. 

    Lastly, about confidence. I could write about this forever. 

    Here was my situation: I was going to a bachelorette party, and knew a guy who worked at a bar nearby and lived near me. I asked if he'd be my DD, and give me a ride home when he got off of work. When I woke up, I was bleeding. He raped me in every way he wanted to, and gave me herpes (but I didn't know that yet). I felt angry and bitter, and was totally disinterested in dating until I met the sweetest guy who was so very different from that jerk. We fell in love, moved in together -  and THEN I found out I had herpes. My boyfriend was on a three-week trip so I had to sit alone, thinking non-stop about how he would see me as "damaged goods". When he got back, I told him, and his answer was, "It'll take more than that to scare me away". I think your boyfriend will react similarly, if he's as sweet as you say he is. The point is, this doesn't make you a bad person, or a dirty person. My boyfriend and I still engage in oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex, and we've never had problems. We use condoms, and usually wash our hands/face afterwards. I find that people who know they've contracted an STI are actually more hygenic and conscious of their actions than people who haven't. Another good point is that herpes doesn't really make you sicker. You may get a breakout here and there and take a pill, but you aren't suffering from an immune disorder or something, and as far as contracting STIs go....Herpes is sort of the best-case scenario. I've had zero outbreaks since my first one, and from my research, if you treat your body well and eat healthy, while minimizing stress, you're not going to see many changes at all. I hope this helped, as I really empathize with you. I am only 24 and i'm still coming to terms with it. The point is that you will be okay. I hope your boyfriend is understanding, but either way, you will be okay.

     

    • kkotz123
      kkotz123 CM76

      Posted

      You're post was literally so helpful and sweet, thank you so much for taking the time to write it. 

      UPDATE: I laughed when I saw your post about what your boyfriend said because mine said the EXACT same thing "It's going to take more than that to scare me away, I'm not going anywhere" and then spent the next half hour through my sobs reassuring me how he doesn't see me any differently and that I'm exactly the same as I was the day before. His biggest problem with this all was that I could ever see myself as gross or anything less than beautiful.

      Questions: I have SO many questions about whats okay and what's safe when it comes to sex.. I realized that my boyfriend might not be afraid to touch me.. But I'm afraid for him to touch me.. I'm afraid to even touch myself even to take a shower really and clean... I just feel like everything I do will infect everything and everyone

    • joseph73798
      joseph73798 kkotz123

      Posted

      I loved hearing both stories ladies. When I found out I had it last year, I was in a relationship with a girl who practically scarred me for life after breaking the news so your stories provide real encouragement. I went to go pick her up and we were in my car when I started to tell her she became furious and said "your ugly to me" jumped out of the car yelling as she fled away to call someone else to pick her up....I was just left by myself there, thinking to myself, I'll never tell a soul again...I never felt so bad, and this comes from a super happy guy with a lot of confidence all (american collegiate athlete, smart) I mention that bc those words, "your ugly" were imprinted on my subconscious...so needless to say, I scoured the internet to figure out a cure. I have my degree in nutrition, my philosophy, "let thy food be thy medicine and thy medicine be thy food."

      My efforts were not in vein either, no, I didn't find a cure but I found very intriguing information about herpes and treatments. I've read numerous journals and online editorials and here's what I have this far after 1 year. Your body is either acidic or alkaline. Acidic means disease can grow in your body, whereas alkaline, herpes and other diseases alike cannot grow. To keep your body alkaline, alkaline water, fruits and veges or the easiest way and what I do is apple cider vinegar (2 tsp) plus a quarter organic lemon will alkaline your water. Drink a glass in the morning and one in afternoon and it's very effective in keeping you in a healthy state. However, for those breakouts, I have found the coolest thing since sliced bread and my naturopathic doctor wasn't even aware of this treatment, her name is dr. Jessica merrier in Los angels, ca and she's even on the cutting edge. Google "olive leaf treats herpes" and you'll find a very, very small percentage of people ever heard of olive leaf as a treatment but it's highly effective because of the potent antioxidant concentration (10,000% more than herbal black tea) and alkaline properties. The only thing I buy is "SOS olive leaf gel" from a Switzerland based beauty line called Oliveda. It was really difficult to get in the US bc they're only in Europe right now but this stuff saved my life. When my diet is off and I sense an outbreak, I just rub the gel like lotion in the spot and it's gone in 48 hours every time. I've had more breakouts then usual, 3 in the last 2 months and all have been quarantined and destroyed, so f**k you herpes, ha. So as far as spontaneity, oliveda brought that back into my life. 

      Thanks again guys for writing your stories, I really need to hear about couples being supportive because I would be lying if i didn't say herpes has had a dramatic effect on how I see myself and future mates...

      remember, we're in this together smile

    • CM76
      CM76 kkotz123

      Posted

      I'm so glad that you found my story helpful! When I freaked out the first time I found out, I pulled so much experience and strength from these forums, and I feel like it's only fair that I try to repay that knowledge, now that i'm starting to figure things out.

      As far as sex, or generally how to treat your vagina now:

      I don't want to freak you out, but it is possible to infect your eyes with herpes. Make sure you and your boyfriend use some antibacterial soap on your hands( and faces if need be) after sex. 

      Obviously don't have sex during an outbreak. Different people say different things trigger outbreaks for them, mostly stress and poor diet. I don't use any daily suppression, don't use any ointments, and I have never had a breakout since my first one. I eat organically, and mostly paleo - which really just means if it's not naturally occuring, don't eat it. There are no Doritos bushes or Twinkie trees, so stay away from them. Sometimes I will feel tingly or itchy, and so I avoid sex at those times too just in case I might be shedding the virus. Knowledge is going to be your best weapon. 

      As for the actual act of sex, and contact with your partner - I am pretty sure that my partner and I have literally tried every hand-mouth-genital combo there is, and he's negative. Just listen to your body. If you have a gut "I shouldn't do this" feeling, then don't. Remember, however, that for the first few times you WILL overthink it and stress yourself. 

      Obviously, this guy loves you. Let him. If you're anything like me, you're telling yourself you don't deserve love from someone like that, not after what you've let happen to yourself. That's all bulls**t. You are just as worthy of love as you ever were, and he's proof of that.  Try and take care of each other. <3>

    • CM76
      CM76 kkotz123

      Posted

      Also, if you have any specific questions, ask away.

       

    • Sassy2543
      Sassy2543 CM76

      Posted

      CM,

        You're posts have brought a much needed smile to my face! I just found out that I have herpes. I go to the doctor tomorrow for confirmation and hopefully medicine, but I have all of the classic symptoms. I am devastated. I feel like my life is over and that I am the most disgusting thing in the world. I was in shock for the past 2 days, but today it sunk in and all I could do was cry and cry. 

       I met a guy a few weeks ago and he performed oral on me a few days before my breakout but we haven't had sex yet. He didn't have a cold sore so I know it wasn't from him and I know that his risk of catching it through that 1-time act is extremely. The problem is, I have to tell him when he comes home in 10 days. I don't know how to even begin this conversation and terrified of how he will react. This is the first guy that I have found myself actually liking in years and I am scared he will want nothing to do with me. sad   Who will want me now if he doesn't?  I'm so scared and hurt. 

       

    • CM76
      CM76 Sassy2543

      Posted

      Whatever you do, don't act guilty. That will make it seem like you did something wrong. Just tell him matter-of-factly.

      Something like "I went to the doctor when I realized we were headed in an intimate direction, and I found out that I have been exposed to genital herpes at some point. If you need a minute, I understand, but it's still quite a surprise to me too".

      Trust me, I relate to being scared that "if this one guy doesn't want to accept me after this, my life is over" kind of feeling. That is a scary thought. Truth is, it will make you start to choose your men differently. If a man won't love you through an occasional breakout, then what would happen if you got sudden leukemia? If you lost a child? If you got in a car wreck and had a huge scar on your face afterwards? Would you expect your partner to leave you in those situations? Point is, you need a man that will love you through rough times as well. There are couples who have been together decades with one positive person, and one who's still negative. Here's an article that helped me immensely: http://thoughtcatalog.com/michelle-schaffer/2012/09/i-have-herpes-and-its-not-the-end-of-the-world/

      Hope that helps, and good luck. Feel free to message me if there's anything you want to talk about. smile

    • Livelife
      Livelife CM76

      Posted

      I doubt you will ever see this because this was so long ago

      But you saved a life today and I think you deserved to know that

  • claude123
    claude123 kkotz123

    Posted

    Okay i really need some advice and this discussion seemed like the best one yet. I found out about 2 days ago that i have HSV-2 from my boyfriend. He has had it since he was little and didn't even know about it until i found out. We had been doing oral and theres a possibility he had a cold sore while doing it and i didn't even stop to think about it. I feel like this will ruin me. I'm currently taking two kinds of medicine and I'm really scared that i won't know how to cope with this. Only one of my best friend knows and now the guy (my boyfriend) that i got it from. I'm only 15 years old and I haven't even had sex yet but I have the virus.... I'm really scared that I will be affected when i try to have children if thats even possible for me. I got it from my boyfriend and now that he knows it is tearing him apart. I really don't know what to do about the situation and I have a few questions. 

    1. if me and my boyfriend continue the oral and what we did before can it create and outbreak in one of us?

    2. I have a niece that is 3 months old and I'm terrified to touch her now. Will I effect her in any way? That will just tear me apart... 

    • CM76
      CM76 claude123

      Posted

      Hey there, sorry to hear about what you've been going through. First of all, not everyone will see your post when it's attached to someone else's comments. I'd start your own post.

      Secondly, HSV2 isn't typically what gives you cold sores on your mouth. It's possible, but rare. You shouldn't have to be the one to "stop and think about it" regarding cold sores in his mouth. It's his responsibility to be aware of his own breakouts, and refrain from oral until it's gone. How did you find out you contracted HSV2? A blood test?

      As for your questions: Sure, it could happen again if he knowingly engages in oral while having an oral outbreak. You can also get an outlbreak from stressing over whether or not you'll get an outbreak. Here's my point: This is bigger than your relationship. This is your heatlh. Educate yourself. That's the best thing you can do. Educate yourself not only in forums but from every source you can think of. Become an expert on herpes. I can't stress how crucial that is.

          You can totally have kids. Don't even worry about that. There are antivirals you can take prior to the birth to make sure you're not having an outbreak that day, and even if that doesn't work you can have a ceserean. Healthy babies are born to mothers with herpes every day. As for touching your neice, that's okay too. Just make sure to wash your hands after you touch yourself or use the restroom (which you want to always do anyway, because you can infect your eyes if you don't pay attention). Lastly, in addition to becoming an expert on herpes, become an expert on your vagina. Get a mirror, and really examine it. In the shower, memorize everything with your hands the way a blind person would. That will help you notice right away if you should start to show symptoms of an outbreak. 

      Do you live in the UK or US? 

    • claude123
      claude123 CM76

      Posted

      I live in the US. I am not positive that I have HSV2 because I haven't had a blood test. He had the cold sores possibly when he did oral on me and that may have led to genital herpes for me. I have not gotten my results back yet, they should come back today or tomorrow. I'm really hoping that I was allergic to a medicine instead of herpes because I don't know how I would deal with it. Thank you for replying to me though, I think I have another question:

      1. If i currently am having an outbreak, not a cold sore near the mouth, would kissing my boyfriend do anything to him>

      2.I've been hearing alot about the olive leaf extract that helps with herpes and I wanted another opinion on it because I didn't know if it was affective or not. 

      3. Say I've washed my hands and then I go to touch an item such as the counter or glasses or something and someone touches it after me, will they catch anything? Even though I haven't touched down there since I washed my hands?

    • CM76
      CM76 claude123

      Posted

      I think that you should write all the questions you have, and research them until you're confident in every answer. This is your health. The only one I can answer is that I don't have personal experience with the olive leaf extract. The first question is tricky, you don't always shed the virus from just that area, and you can shed it when you're not having an outbreak. That's why I say research. That's what I did, until I felt confident that I knew everything I could. It's worth it, trust me.
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