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No hope!

Posted , 6 users are following.

dondons
dondons

Wish there was a way! No one can understand what o go through, I deserve it and more but I don't want it! I cut again arm stings like hell, again I deserve it! I know what need to do what I should do but don't know that I can I don't have just myself to think about! Taken tablets and been drinking but it's not enough! Sitting in garden writing this because too scared to go inside right now don't want to live like this anymore it's so hard and no one can ever undestand! Promised psychologist today wouldn't harm myself tonight but as the minutes hours go by its getting harder to keep that promise don't want to live but for others can't die either stuck in this rut stuck in limbo don't know what to do anymore I just don't want to be scared anymore but there's no one that can help

1 like, 27 replies

27 Replies

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  • paul67642
    paul67642 dondons

    Posted

    that is not the answer is it you told me not to take all my tablets
  • paul67642
    paul67642 dondons

    Posted

    if you need to talk you can talk to me  i told you that i wanted to take all my tablets and you said no dont do it so im telling you not to do it now
  • nick34171
    nick34171 dondons

    Posted

    Hi you. Just relax, remember to breathe, what did the psychologist say about it all, offer any helpful.outlooks about it? Please don't drink anymore tonight ok, water only, did psychologist say anything about coping techniques or therapy to deal with it, also about backing you up on being able to give you sleep meds so you sleep through the night? Please don't hurt yourself, you don 'tb deserve that. Cyber hugs. Nick.
  • Mermaid3011
    Mermaid3011 dondons

    Posted

    Hey dondons

    i remember you from a few months ago. When I wanted to end it all. For weeks I felt like sh*t. But a new med, a new pdoc, time.... Things got better. And they will for you too.

    its really one day at a time. One hour at a time. Fir now: stop cutting, stop drinking. Just try to go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. And if you end up counting down the hours that's ok too..... The longer you can make it without self harming,the better. And if you have that blade in your hand : put it down. Come online. Share with us. And/ or call 911. Nobody wants you to hurt and we all want you to smile.

    big hugs

    b.

    • dondons
      dondons Mermaid3011

      Posted

      Thank you for your replies, I'm feeling a little better today, I'm sorry just night times are difficult for me, some worse than others.

      Have to see the psychologist again tomorrow so will talk to her about what happened.

      Thank you again xx

    • dondons
      dondons paul67642

      Posted

      Hi, I'm sorry Paul I've not been on here for a few days, will pm in min xx
    • Mermaid3011
      Mermaid3011 dondons

      Posted

      Hey dondons, 

      I feel worse at night too. It's 7 pm over here now and all I can think of is... well... not so good things. 

      And of course self chastizing for laying in bed wiht my puppy, eating ice cream. ugh. 

      and then reading that the more episodes one has, the more likely they'll come back again and again and again.... this effing sucks!!! wink

       

    • michael98615
      michael98615 Mermaid3011

      Posted

      do u hav ane talents Mermaid ? somethin that can swing ur mind away from things and concentrate on trying to build something, such as a painting a story, or even music if u play n e instruments, i been suicidle for few yrs, however hav few things on bucket list to do before i go, and now ( or at this moment ) i can be bothered to do them smile
    • Mermaid3011
      Mermaid3011 michael98615

      Posted

      I am quite creative, but not even my favourite hobby, knitting, is making me happy. It's more a chore than joy. I have signed up for a number of test knits which have deadlines. But not even that keeps me from laying in bed being tired and depressed. 

      I should add that my pdoc just washed me out from ALL of my AD's and started me Tuesday on a new one. 3 days and counting.... It's such a waste of time to wait and see if a new medication works or not... 

    • michael98615
      michael98615 Mermaid3011

      Posted

      no time is a waste of time, if your gettin used to meds, if ur lying in bed all day n night, still not wasted, sad but still, latley, i'm trying to make up for the past few months of mostly staying in bed, by getting off my arse n doing something i have been wanting to  do for many years, just hope it dont satisfy me too much, that it be time to go lol
    • Mermaid3011
      Mermaid3011 michael98615

      Posted

      I dont think you have to worry about beeing too satisfied. 

      There is no such thing. There will be just more things to do that spark your interest.

      And I DID go to a yoga class today.

      At least something.... 

      And then I completely stuffed my face. Crisscross through the fridge. Ugh. 

      Suppose I'll take the dog out and then take my sleep meds so I can zone out without googling more about suicide statistics...

    • michael98615
      michael98615 Mermaid3011

      Posted

      suicide statistics r awefull an very much hidden, theres loads that do jump off the bridges near me, wen radio'd in within emergency service's its claimed that " a deer " is in need of assistence,

      yoga im sure wud be very good, reflecting and inner peacefull thoughts perfect way of relaxing,

      with regards to never being satisfied, iva had it all, full time work, awesome gf's, awesome social life, i feel all my goals were achieved during my dj career, nothing left to do i feel, however my new goal, is an ongoing project, that cud end after i done the album, or even at least a ten yr career in music, part of me thinks meh.....cba lol, but i dont really want to giv my life to the demons, by being depressed alone, they like that kinda stuff, an can use this to home in on me,

    • edmond88544
      edmond88544 Mermaid3011

      Posted

      hi i am in the exact same situation, its hard to find the energy to get back over, it seems impossible. I figured out a way, while staying at home alone, i analyzed my causes of sadness to the very detail and here's what you should do too, if you take my advice.

      The cause of depression is usually, when you don't feel anymore like you. I know it may sound strange, but thats how it is. You don't have the life and energy u used to have like back then in the good days. Your life usually adopts to our feelings. When you mostly feel bad, the worse it gets. How do we begin to be depressed? When we are not allowed to do things that we CAN. We know we can do them, its all there our potential, the situation. Sometimes there's no situation, but at least for what i experience, even when i am in front of what i want im afraid to take it. So all we need is permission, it started back with our parents, and hits its end when you alone, because now its yourself that is not allowing you to do the things you know you can do. This "yourself" that talks to us most of the time, is nothing but another personality we have created slowly over the years in order for the next time not to get "hurt". Usually this personality takes over our real personality, and limits our thoughts to be in the same pattern, for every thing that happens to us. So even if we are about to do something, that might remove that fear inside of us. This personality takes control over you and stops you.

      I wanted to be clear, because its important for what youre about to do.

      Try to find out when you avoid certain situations and what does your reason tell you, to convince you. For example " Don't go to that party Edmond, you are not ready yet. You need more energy to go to a party. Plus all of this time being alone, you cant even talk to people. Better stay at home safe"  My mind says you are not ready, because this "personality" is not ready. Not because im not ready. Why wouldn't I be.

      So dont notice only the negative thoughts, notice them after you've noticed your desires. And you'll see they are not the ones who should guide you, they are the ones who limit you to the point of not feeling alive anymore. At least this is the kind of way my other "personality" works, but I've happen to have a very good memory and I know that soon, it will be only the real me smile not being afraid to be curious, not being afraid to laugh loud, not being afraid of trying new things, not being afraid feeling life flow through me once again :D And I wish this for everyone in this earth biggrin

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