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No way out

Posted , 10 users are following.

Mashuga
Mashuga

Hi there, just thought I'd share my story so far and perhaps you may feel similar or relate to it in some way.

I'm currently in hospital for severe depression and anxiety. This is my second week as an in patient and I will probably be here for at least another two weeks. Before I was admitted I was on the brink. I was constantly thinking about killing myself and was actually self harming. I am in my own nightmare at the moment with no way out! I can see no way out and I feel totally detached from life and my loved ones and friends. I have been overwhelmed by the support and love I received whilst going through this but I still cannot see an end to the pain. I might even call it a living death. I feel low at the best of times and nothing most of the time. I feel as though I cannot laugh or cry, totally numb and emotionless which is in itself a kind of hell.

I have no motivation and see life as a pointless cruel joke. If I might borrow a line from Macbeth: "Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing"

I want to get better but see, feel and taste my life as only a dark, twisted, bitter and futile one. I go to bed hoping not to wake up and I wake wishing I hadn't. I feel safe from myself in hospital and I hope wish to be my old self again but am lost in the black void. I am sorry to sound so pathetic but it's how I feel.

Perhaps one day I'll look back on these days and laugh... My heart goes out to anyone who feels they can relate to or has any experience of what I am going through now. Thank you for reading this sorry tale.

2 likes, 27 replies

27 Replies

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  • paul67642
    paul67642 Mashuga

    Posted

    benny that is how i feel right now things in my head is telling me to take all my tablets but i cant becaues of my son
    • Mashuga
      Mashuga paul67642

      Posted

      I'm sorry to hear that Paul that you're feeling like this. Can you maybe approach your doctor and asked to be referred for talking therapies?
  • rachel62244
    rachel62244 Mashuga

    Posted

    Is there a reason for your depression or is it clinical ? So sorry your in this hell. Have they found no meds to help? How long have you been suffering ? Depression a evil illness and I pray they can help you in hospital !!
    • Mashuga
      Mashuga rachel62244

      Posted

      Thank you Rachel I appreciate the reply! I've been on sertraline for over three months. My depression has possibly been caused by a number of things. Since being in hospital I've been diagnosed with an under active thyroid which is probably part of the reason. I've probably been depressed since before Christmas but saw my GP about 3 and a half months ago. Now that I'm on tablets for the thyroid problem I might start feeling better but who knows? Just feel like such a looser and pathetic! I'm so tired of living and existing in this way.
    • rachel62244
      rachel62244 Mashuga

      Posted

      I know it's hard and don take this the wrong way but it's not been that long in regards to recovering and believe me I know. Mine is postnatal so iv a baby to care for whilst feeling like I'm stuck in black fog of numbness. What dose are you on? I'm on125mg and it's been 4months on this med. Prozac before this. I'm scared to be alone I'm so anxious I nearly pass out. Are you in the UK? Was u under the home treatment team via to hospital? Can you function at home or is a deep state of brain numbing nothing sad your in the best place to get the help u dersever. Hold on tight x
    • rachel62244
      rachel62244

      Posted

      Sorry did u feel numb before the meds? No better days at all as yet? You say disconnected would you say it feels like your looking through a glass and the outside world can't see you ? It's all out of reach? Just hoping to help x hugs x
    • Mashuga
      Mashuga rachel62244

      Posted

      Thank you Rach yes I'm in UK ...was referred from GP to talking therapy, who then refered me to care in the community at home but then was too high a risk to myself so was admitted. I'm now on 200mg sertraline and a low dose of anti-psychotic mess. Take diazepam when feeling really low and anxious. I'm not functioning very well but hospital looks after you.

      I'm sorry to hear you're going through it and you must feel like you've got a lot on your plate!

    • rachel62244
      rachel62244 Mashuga

      Posted

      Do you live alone? I'm seen by home treatment but I'm sure all the do is check on u once a week which is no good but so many people suffer. Things will get better!!! Is this your first episode of depression? I wish u well stay strong remember who u are your not the illness
  • patricia44773
    patricia44773 Mashuga

    Posted

    You are in the best place Benny.  The people looking after you have great knowlege and understanding, they will do their best for you.

    I was hospitalised a couple of times a lot of years ago.  They saved my life (although that was the last thing I wanted at the time).  I am grateful now.  I even went through the hell of ECT many, many times, leaving me to this day with a terrible long term memory which has robbed me of so much.

    But I am here and I have a good life, I still suffer from depression and take meds, but nothing like the pergatory that you are suffering right now.

    You probably won't look back and laugh.....but in time you will look back and thank heavens that someone saved your life so that you could experience happiness again.

    Good luck Benny...hang on in there.

    Pat xxx

    • rachel62244
      rachel62244 patricia44773

      Posted

      Hope we are all fixable. Well find the right meds. When I do I won't be coming off!! Well done pat so glad ur now happy. Nothing is forever x
    • Mashuga
      Mashuga patricia44773

      Posted

      Thank you Patricia and it's great to hear that despite the struggles and sufferings you've gone through that you've come out the other end even if things still aren't the best. Thank you for your reassuring message and take care! X
    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 rachel62244

      Posted

      Rachel, I think that postnatal depression is the worst depression I can imagine.  What should be the happiest days of your life are ruined by that terrible illness.  I am so sorry.  And I just can't imagine coping with a young infant whilst being in that black fog....it's just not fair.

      I think I feel so badly about it because my two girls were the making of me.....I stopped thinking about me and my problems and put everything into bringing up my babies to the very best of my ability.  The days when they were totally dependent on me were the happiest days of my life.

      It should have been the same for you....for every mother.  I am so sorry love.

      You are a lovely, caring person, all will be well.

      Pat

    • patricia44773
      patricia44773 Mashuga

      Posted

      What a lovely person you are Benny!!

      Don't deprive the world of such a special person.....stay in the world and do something special, save a life, rescue an animal, make someone smile each day.  You have so much to give, you are special.

      Pat

       

  • Madasahatter
    Madasahatter Mashuga

    Posted

    Hi Benny

    i agree, you are in the best place for your current situation. You sound educated and erudite, something people don't tend to associate with depression and yet I think the more articulate you are, the more likely your depression is bound to be unbearably deep and unmanageable. I started on Sertraline and for me, it was a rubbish drug. I was on increasing levels over a six month period but I could not get rid of the Black Dog. Then I was prescribed Prozac and within a matter of weeks my dog was brought to heel and I'm am getting better every day. I have always been the organiser/manager etc in my life and I'm almost phobic about being in control of my life. During that bad period I was only able to do the most basic of daily necessities and I felt like I was wading hip-deep in molasses. I lost interest in my appearance (gained four stone), cut my beautiful sleek bob off and never went outdoors unless out of dire need. My poor OH still has no idea that I have been depressed but Im pretty sure he figured out something was up - it must have been like living with Jekyll and Hyde! I honestly believed that I would never get back to being me and had all but given up.

     Anyway, I burble, prone to that as I have no one else to talk to. Hope you get yourself as much help as you can, take anything offered and persevere. I really don't want to get a notification from someone else telling me you did something permanent! Take care.......

    • rachel62244
      rachel62244 Madasahatter

      Posted

      Hi. I'm thinking sert is not my drug. It made things a bit better on some days but 4months in on 125mg I'd thought I'd be stable at a OK level . anxiety is hell I'm in fear of my thoughts '( prozac was good for me too but wen I needed a increase my body went insane on the higher dose sad long bumpy road. Glad your well
    • Madasahatter
      Madasahatter rachel62244

      Posted

      Hang in there hun, I never thought I would ever get better, it was a real bad one this time. 👍
    • Mashuga
      Mashuga Madasahatter

      Posted

      Thank you very much for your message and I'm glad to hear you're feeling a little improvement. I will try and persevere and take each day as it comes. Sometimes I just feel like I'm in such a state of panic and can see no way out but I have got the full attention of the wonderful staff here at the unit. Take care and I hope you feel a lot better soon.X
    • Mashuga
      Mashuga rachel62244

      Posted

      You may need to be put on a higher dose or possibly a change of medication. You could do with talking to your doctor and review it. Sounds like you're having a horrible time! Hope you find the help for the anxiety soon!
    • rachel62244
      rachel62244 Mashuga

      Posted

      They see me weekly but they want to give to longer ! They said because I had a good few days it means I responded well even if it didn't last long and that I will be up and down. I tried 150mg but it was hard I had stomach problems and was so dizzy I felt really drunk it knocked me out. I'm thinking try 50mg then 100mg later on?? See if it helps rather then one hit! It makes me sleepy
    • rachel62244
      rachel62244 Madasahatter

      Posted

      I think maybe I should swap but I'm scared as I have been a lot worse then this! I can't say that the sert has done really as I went straight from prozec to sert after a bad reaction to a prozec increase which was hell! I was crawling out my skin
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