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No way out

Posted , 10 users are following.

Mashuga
Mashuga

Hi there, just thought I'd share my story so far and perhaps you may feel similar or relate to it in some way.

I'm currently in hospital for severe depression and anxiety. This is my second week as an in patient and I will probably be here for at least another two weeks. Before I was admitted I was on the brink. I was constantly thinking about killing myself and was actually self harming. I am in my own nightmare at the moment with no way out! I can see no way out and I feel totally detached from life and my loved ones and friends. I have been overwhelmed by the support and love I received whilst going through this but I still cannot see an end to the pain. I might even call it a living death. I feel low at the best of times and nothing most of the time. I feel as though I cannot laugh or cry, totally numb and emotionless which is in itself a kind of hell.

I have no motivation and see life as a pointless cruel joke. If I might borrow a line from Macbeth: "Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing"

I want to get better but see, feel and taste my life as only a dark, twisted, bitter and futile one. I go to bed hoping not to wake up and I wake wishing I hadn't. I feel safe from myself in hospital and I hope wish to be my old self again but am lost in the black void. I am sorry to sound so pathetic but it's how I feel.

Perhaps one day I'll look back on these days and laugh... My heart goes out to anyone who feels they can relate to or has any experience of what I am going through now. Thank you for reading this sorry tale.

2 likes, 27 replies

27 Replies

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  • lorraine28330
    lorraine28330 Mashuga

    Posted

    hi benny, as an inpatient are you getting any therapy sessions ? A chance to talk about how you feel and to plan what happens when you get out ? I think that it's really important to have a plan of what is to come so that you are not left alone to try and support yourself. In my experience if the care plan is set up before you leave the hospital then it has a better outcome than if you come out without a plan.

    i hope it works out well for you 

  • leeb82
    leeb82 Mashuga

    Posted

    Hi I feel like that now. I'm up and down with it but nobody knows how I feel except my girlfriend. She just thinks I'm selfish. She's doesn't understand. I find most days I struggle with this. Of been latley thinking of hanging my self or driving my car into a wall I can't seem to shake this way of thinking. Tbh I find life to be really hard to get through day by day on my own with this. Who knows what the future will hold.

  • Jeff800
    Jeff800 Mashuga

    Posted

    Wow I live in the USA and I read your story and it is almost an exact duplicate to how I feel except I haven't gotten to the wanting to kill myself or admitted to the hospital but everything is exactly how I feel it is just miserable it's been going on for almost 4 years and I don't know what to do I have no friends or family I'm disconnected from the world way out in the country with no hope I lost my faith I have tried every Church in person I could think of her help and no one will help wow I live in the USA and I read your story and it is almost in exact duplicate to how I feel except I haven't gotten to the one in the till myself for admitted to the hospital but everything is exactly how I feel it is just miserable its been going on for almost 4 years and I don't know what to do I have no friends are family I'm disconnected from the world way out in the country with no hope I lost my faith I have tried every church and person I could think of her help and no one will help I am thousands of dollars and dad for medical I'm on Medicare that doesn't help in and is to expensive deceit professional I stay at home everyday I sleep 24/7 has their is nothing to do and no way out I don't know how to save myself I used to be somebody special I had it all and I lost it all I know exactly what you're feeling everything you've described is hit me to the hard into the core I am glad but not glad that I know that someone else feels the same and I'm not alone I wish you the best of luck Jeff

    • Ashley025
      Ashley025 Jeff800

      Posted

      Hey Jeff

      Dont lose your faith. Things will get better. The depression is whats causing this. Time heals. Try to get therapy. Ask if anyone can help you. I hope you get better too. Dont lose hope. 👍

  • Jo_doe
    Jo_doe Mashuga

    Posted

    Feel like this everyday and many years now...tired of meds that don't work...always try to do what's right and what I believe in but never gets me anywhere...just more people showing me how wrong I am for trying to be good in a world that doesn't allow it. Feel trapped with no way out. Constantly hurting and feeling lost. Always scared and incapable of any interaction with anyone. Just a living hell..Why do I wake up everyday? Makes no sense

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