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So I’ve recently started CBT, and I really wanted to be positive about it and go in with high spirits and trust and openness... but I really hate it, every minute of it. The first phone conversation I had with my therapist went pretty good and I was quite excited before the first session (which was meant more as an assessment and not an actual CBT session). My GP even said at one point, about this first initial assessment “let’s see what the expert says”, meaning the therapist (aka Wellbeing Practitioner). But when I actually got there and as we started talking I soon started to feel really uncomfortable sharing things, and I hated her responses, they felt so rehearsed and weird. It felt condescending the way she was talking to me and I just didn’t feel “safe”. I still did my best to try and share as much as I could and be honest but there are lots of things I didn’t mention even tho I had planned to tell her. Anyway I’ve now had one session of what they’re calling “guided self-help” (basically CTB type therapy) and it’s beyond a doubt the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever tried. The conversation felt totally scripted (just that I never got my lines), no seriously a few time I said something and she didn’t know how to respond, it was little talking to a fish! And she’s barely older than me, probably fresh out of training (and most definitely not an “expert” as my GP assumed).
I’m not sure what to do now, I have another appointment on Wednesday but I really don’t want to go. I really want to back out and say this isn’t for me but my GP really hasn’t got anything else to offer me (I don’t think) and I don’t want it to look like I’m unwilling to get better or like I’m throwing the only thing I agreed to back in his face (as I said I didn’t really want any meds yet). Any suggestions? Should I just stick it out a few more sessions? If I decide to quit, should I tell my GP that I’ve done that, should I go talk to him first about wanting to stop with the CBT before I tell my therapist anything? I really don’t know what to do.
My GP also doesn’t really have the full story of how bad it’s gotten, mainly because it’s just been getting worse and worse. The first time I saw him it really wasn’t so bad but then in the weeks following that first appointment everything got just so much harder for me. Should I tell him? I’m so bad at telling him stuff, I only get 10 min long appointments and I get so nervous because of the time limit. Last time I saw him I was shivering and was in physical pain the whole time (and I didn’t actually tell him why I was really there... just a major fail altogether). Later that day I had what I assume might have been my first real panic attack (maybe) I’ve been dealing with anxiety for a while and I was really depressed for a while a few years ago, but I don’t think I’ve ever had an actual panic attack (if that’s what it was). I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make another appointment and then not say what I mean to (I have written letters in the past but I really don’t want to do that again either) I feel like he’s so sick of me, or not sick of me; I think he’s frustrated because there’s so little he can do for me. I’m just so confused right now and don’t know what to do.
Sorry for the ridiculously long post. And (for those who got this far) thanks for reading it!
All the best,
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