Not well enough to work????

Posted , 5 users are following.

I am feeling okay, actually siad to my partner , (while explainging to my 5 year old , ...not to mix the wet food with the dried fodd, The cat does not like it). partner says: \"Thast no way to speak to a 5 yr old, and the cat eats it when your not about\", then he says.......\"I dont think your well enough to go back to work, nevermind a new job\".

Guys, friends out there, i am so glad i have found you people. This man would quite happily kick me down with stuff (dogs durt) on his shoes. I now have that shamed gutted feeling in my stomach and want to cry, but I am trying to get some breakfast down my throat, and hopefully i want chuck it up. :grrr:

I am going to have to put my headphones back on, I am not strong enough to take this at the moment, especially as my mum has phoned and sounds like she is in a lot of pain. Poor mum, why is it the nice people get sick, the good people seem to get all the bad luck? What is this...I mean...I think melbi is correct in her analysis...we only get depressesed/anxious cause we care....yes we care more than others, and on a comparative level with my childrens father, try 150% more than others. I hate this hurt. :cry: :cry: Ill try my brunch, then I am going to go back to bed. take care people.

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  • Posted

    I applaud you Katy on your ability to apply for jobs, go through with an interview and then get the position you applied for.

    All takes a lot of nerve in the healthiest of people - I have worked where I am now for over 10 years and the return to work interview was more than enough to have to contend with.

    So a very huge well done from me - if you can go through all that, the rest will be a doddle for you - I'm quite sure.

    Go sock it to 'em - you can do it!

    Love 'n' hugs

    Melbi x

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  • Posted

    :boing: :boing: :boing: :boing: :boing: :boing:

    Good luck Katy with your new job, you really are an inspiration, and have come so far since you first came on the site. Well done!

    It makes you feel good to realise that someone appreciates your abilities (ok, your kids don't let on they do, but you raised them,didn't you? They're healthy and happy? There you go then.)

    GOOD LUCK AND ALL THE BEST WISHES IN THE WORLD FOR TOMORROW.

    :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:

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  • Posted

    Katy, proud of u, all best for your new job, done really well.......

    Wish i could day the same, went to a wedding yesterday, obviously had alot to drink, feel dreadfull today, i know its the alcohol, but feeling so bad about myself.................just poured myself a pint !!

    Really got to me going to the wedding yesterday, brought back all my memories of mine, the other night i had nearly a 2 hour chat with my ex wife about my depression, she says id had it for years but wouldnt acknowledge it, this has cost me my mariage , im just rambling now but the way i see it is that i will never get over my ex and i dont want to really and that no tablets or talking will change that, i put on the fake smiles yesterday but all icould think of was her, eventually the drink took over and i didnt care, even when everything is sorted i will hate my \"new\" life without her, its like i have had the best years already and life now will be eternally sh*t.................................

    Im just in one of those moods today, i feel really lonely now and thats madness, i honestly think i am going mad sometimes, i really do......

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  • Posted

    :shock: [b:51ffb8f5da]Ja, I dont like weddings myself. Id rather just wish the happy couple well at their reception, get completey under the table and then crawl home.[/b:51ffb8f5da]

    Sorry to hear that you feel that way about your ex. You should not blame yourself, and remeber that (and I hope Iam not hurting your feelings here)....if you ja watched your ex wife suffer depression, would you have kept quiet, or would you have helped her?

    Who helped you to get help in the first instance? My partner still does not understand anything about how I feel though I reckon he is in just about the same sinking boat that I have been in. I cant but help feel some anger at him for him not supporting me, and not even attempting to understand. My point is, you should not feel guilty about your breakdown in your marriage , when evidenly she could have helped you along the way.

    Its friends here, and the freinds that I have made recently that have encouraged me to help myself and my children. (oh god, do I sound a bit self-righteous?). I know that this job and whatever support i get from him, will be the ultimate challenge. my plans are to hold down the job, until I realise what it is I really want to do...I am not going tog gte my self in the same state thatI was. Though I am so very sensitive at the moment, but with lots of cheek.

    Ja, I hope you start to feel better soon.You never know who or what is round the corner...you just never know...so keep on going.....i think, what comes around goes around, and I hope(though dont think its necessarily true) that people fight for their just deserts in the end. One day you might fight back, and felel saddened that you have grieved for you ex so long, which will probably make you feel somewhat angry and resentful towards your ex, but I think thats part of the grieving course.

    I know I am not looking forward to the inevitable breakdown of my relationship, but I do know that things are not right and that the way I am living is not a life for me......but hopefully if we keep just pushing at that brick wall that we have to try and knock down or simply climb over, the fight has got to be worth it. God , waffle waffle. Good luck ja.....one day youll meet someone else...yyou are still young and so are your children, You will, no matter what happens muddle through. Your children, NEED, LOVE and respect youas we are theyre teacher they are our guiders, land friends. Its worth putting up a fight , just for them smile Take care, I hope all this does not sound too self righteous as i am feeling nervous and a bit hyper, and thats without nay drink, bugger!

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  • Posted

    Katy, tks so much for those kind words, no u r not self righteous, sincerely, i hope your new job goes well for u.......

    My ex did try to help in her way, but i would tell her where to go and carry on in my little world, i must have been awful to live with, like a timb bomb of emotion, i would never use physical violence towards her, but i would snap at the slightest thing and blame her, i loved her so much yet i was such an arse to her sometimes, we did have some amazing times, werent all doom and gloom, in the end she couldnt fight no more and i wasnt the person she met, i want to get my life back on track and get her out of my head, i even told her the other night i still loved her and she said i must move on, no going back.................

    when i fell like i do now i just wallow in self pity and hate life, i have 2 amazing kids, and i want to be happy old dad to them, i try not to show too much when im on a downer, this is dominating my life now and making me into a person i dont want to b anymore, i just want to b the old bloke without a care i was years ago, then i had my ex and the whole world in front of me...................

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  • Posted

    Hells bells Katy -

    I am speechless - I really am sweetheart!

    Your post above is the most positive and inspirational post I have ever read here or anywhere. My goodness woman - I do believe you have just about broken through the other end of the long dark tunnel.

    You have come such a long way and don't you ever forget that! You have realised and learnt that your only way forward now is to push through life for what you want and stand for - for you and your children.

    I have been so worried about you these last 2 weeks and then I come here and read a post that shows you so full of strength and determination. Keep going girl - you are going to make it and you are going to help many others who read here make it too.

    Ja, until you want to move on you won't. You say no tablet, no amount of talking will make you change. That is such a sad thing to read here. :cry:

    You have given up without a fight - that hurts me :cry:

    Yes, you are feeling very angry, hurt and bitter right now but and sorry mate - it is a big but - until you face up to the fact you are wallowing in self pity right now - then you are right - nothing on this earth will help you to get better.

    Please don't take that as offensive - all of us here have wallowed in self pity - we all still do from time to time - I know I do! :roll:

    Maybe one day you will be able to turn all the terrible feelings of hurt, pain, anger, bitterness into something that will help others aswell as yourself.

    Until you can face up to the past - deal with it - then let go - you are trapped in the eternity of hell. Do you really, truly and seriously want to feel like you feel now for ever?

    I know i don't and so I will continue my fight against my depression, agaisnt all the crap that has been thrown at me in my life. I will fight on and i will help myself to get better.

    Look at how far Katy has come - she is an inspiration to us all. Stand by her, show her you are willing to fight as hard as she has.

    Rant over

    Melbi x

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  • Posted

    Melbi and Katy,

    Thanks for talking tonight, need too badly, I do get times when i feel ok, im planning for the future, looking at flats etc, really being positive, i confuse myslef, then i get times like i do now where i hate life so much, i dont know how to let go, i have to speak to her regulary about the house being sold and also the kids, she will always b in my life through our kids, i desperately want to move on, meet someone else and b happy, im tying ti run b4 i can walk, i know all my problems but im a terrible thinker and worrier, Katy u really have make huge strides lately, pls keep going mate....

    Melbi, i dont want to feel like this for another day let alone life, maybe when i get my own place i will improve, yet then i think i will hate it missing my old life, i just dont know, soooooo confused,

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  • Posted

    :P Thanks Melbi and Ja...you people are special.

    Ja, I think its one of the hardest things to go through....its not like your ex has died, but you feel as though she has. Thats a huge hurdle for anyone to get over. I mean its the old forbidden fruits analogy, its also that philosophers Nietsche (or whatever his name is) who obsessed after the girl on the bike, but once he got her,he lost interest, they finish , and then he starts to obsess after her again. The grass always looks greener on the other side. But the truth is, that it isnt really, the truth is...the only way is to move on (like you have said). it is nice that you love your ex- of course I think it takes a lot of love to have children with someone, maybe another way of looking at it, is by thinking that she will always be special to you, as she is the only woman you had and chose to have children with. Watch your children and grow into the beatiful people that you made. Feel good that you do and did love her, and thats why you have to fight, your children want to see there daddy happy whether with their mummy, or not. Take care. it always worse trying to grieve when they still exist, not that I am saying go out and murder her, i am just saying that I do understand your feelings. You will one day not think about her morning and night. One day you will get out of bed and find someonels that you have an interest for. I am sure you will. Dont give up hope. Im not going to. Take care , ja, you are a friend to me now, and I do feel for your loss. Ill probably be posting when I go thro the same heartache. Its not easy - is it?

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  • Posted

    ja as hard at it seems (well actually its very hard) but you have to stop looking at what could have been and instead look at what went wrong and how you can use past experiences to make a better future.

    Trust me, if my words sound harsh to you - think how harsh they sound to myself - I have been and in some ways still am so much like you in your thoughts and needs.

    I know full well you like me do not want to always feel how we feel now and yes its hard to change, hard to move on, hard to do much most days without what has happened creeping in to our everyday lives and haunting, hurting us.

    Just please stop thinking the thoughts that you will never be the same again or ever be happy again.

    And hey! why the hell are thinking about loving another person when you haven't recovered from your last love!

    Give yourself time will you and stop be so hard on yourself.

    The above words are just as much to myself as they are to you.

    Now smile - you are on candid camera :magic:

    anyone remember that programme?

    ja - next time I see you wallowing in self pity I will personally come over there and give you a whack with my broom handle! Okay :wink:

    love 'n' hugs

    Melbi x

    sheesh as if having me here wallowing in self pity isnt enough ja decides to join me! ged owda ere lol

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  • Posted

    Katy, thanks so much my friend, its like i want to put my life back together again wife,kids house etc, i know i cant have them back but i dont want a new life without them, i know i will be strong and yes i really hope to meet someone new, but for the right reasons, not to replace my ex, but thats how i feel sometimes, so god damn lonely, i had it so good yet i blew it mate, i have got to b positive, but when i think of the past it just depresses me so much , its then i go on a downward spiral. Katy, its the thought of being on my own which worries me, i never thought she would leave me, we met 12 years ago, to b all alone now basically freaks me out, so many people go through this and cope, yet i am struggling so badly, one thing i can do is put on a brave face and facade, Katy , you are an insperation as although i didnt post i read your posts and you have made giant strides, hats off to u girl,,,,,,,,,
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  • Posted

    Melbi,

    Im the king of selp pity mate, tks for just being here tonight, I know my own faults yet i struggle to change them, i do blame the depression but i think thats a cope out sometimes, anyway, better be good, dont want that broom handle anywhere near me, take care, prob b on here alot whilst feeling like this

    Ja x

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  • Posted

    Hi Katy and Melbi,

    Katy hope today went well for you, really do, wish today did for me, i have been at work and its really busy and felt dreadful all day. I found out from my mates that i was in a right bad state through drink on sat at the wedding, was all over the place and made a pratt of myself, I feel so embarrassed and humiliated now and that people will think bad of me, not the 1st time i have got this drunk. Today i have vowed to knock the booze on the head during the week, i did not buy any today for tonight and wont, its good at the time but will depress me even more. All day i felt like crying and had a lump in my throat, i just cant think positive, i spoke to my ex this morning about the kids, we get on so well now, i just cant believe we are getting divorced, just cant........

    I dont know why but i have booked an appointment with my doctor for friday, just for a chat and for any advice really, just sitting here now at work expressionless typing this, everyone at work is talking about summer doing there gardens etc, i used to love my garden and it just gets on top of me thinking what i have lost, i just feel like screaming and having a good cry, couple of time i went to the toilet today when i thought i was. I really feel like i need to do something but i dont know what, something to focus on, like i need to get away from this area and life, i know i cant because of my beloved kids, they need me and i need them, it maybe just because the way i am feeling at the moment, but the thought of getting a flat, doing the same thing as before just gets me down so much, i feel scared , trapped , confused, i also feel quite shaky today, almost nervous??? at the moment i really cant see an end to this mess, i would never do it but i really dont know why i want to continue in this crap world, i have my kids i know, but i am so unhappy with life at the moment, the only thing that can change that is having my ex back and i know that wont happen, im sorry for sounding so down, just feel that way, im off home now, had enough today, will be online later, Katy hope today went well, and Melbi take care

    ja

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  • Posted

    Hi katy,hope today went well for you..First of many good days to come for you. :D

    Hi ja,sorry your so down,ive had many days like this.Its awfull feeling so down.you just want to shut urself away and just cry and cry!!Dont think anyone really undestands how your feeling unless they have been through something like this themselves.Its nice to come on here and let it all out,i find it really helps.Chatting to guys going through similar stuff.

    Lets hope tomorow is a better day for you.Chin up ja...tomorow is another day.. :wink: Take care..kim.x

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  • Posted

    Hi Katy, really hope today went well for you and you're fired up for tomorrow/ Do let us know!

    Ja, really hope things pick up for you soon and you start to feel more positive. It's a hard road we travel and you can only take one step at a time, one day at a time. Easy to say and harder to do, I know when you are questioning the value and purpose of everything in your life but I don't know any other way.

    Take care all

    Best regards.

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  • Posted

    thanks everyone, but I just cant seem to pick myself up, got into tonight had a bath and just couldnt stop crying, it was nice to let it out, some people can cope with loss but i just cant....................... I really felt like thats it tonight, planned what to say and that but i wont , just how bad i feel at the moment, i actually tried to be sick tonight it felt that bad, just cant see light at the end of the tunnell, if i do i soon shut it out, how can i accept my new life when all i want is my old one...........i just cant and wont accept it, i dont know how much more of feeling like this i want to take, anyway im not going to drink tonight, i have enough strength to stay away from it, although i could murder a few beers, tks for all your thoughts

    ja

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