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I am desperately trying to find people who can relate to my problem. It is so hard and I am beginning to feel I may be alone with this. I have found a few blogs where people are experiencing very similar issues but still very different at the same time.
Let me tell you a little about my problem. It is so hard to explain so please bear with me.
Basically to cut a long story short before I go into more detail, I ask my partner a million questions a day. The types of questions vary but are often along the same lines and are mostly to do with how he feels about me and how he has felt about people in previous relationships. Most of the time the questions I ask are very personal and I think the majority of other people wouldn’t dare. I have listed some examples below, some worse and more personal than others. Reading them you may think “my god she’s a nutter, how does she dare ask him these things” but the thing is, I don’t know. I get this overwhelming feeling when a thought/question comes to mind and just NEED to know. I feel hot, sick, sweaty and panicky as soon as I think of the question. I don’t know where they come from or why, all I know is that it takes over my life and ruins all the relationships I have ever had L …
- Were you more affectionate with her
- Is she better in bed than me (I always ask for more detail, but I won’t specify on here)
- Have you ever kissed other people the way you kiss me
- Have you done that before with other people
- Do you still love me
- Were her boobs better than mine (mine are tiny)
- Are mine better out of a bra, if hers are better in the bra (more cleavage)
The list goes on and on and on. If you asked me any question now, I will have most likely asked my partner it a million times.
The thing is, it’s not just the amount and type of questions I ask, it’s the way I ask them as well. I will have the answer (whether it’s one I wanted or not) yet I will still have to ask again. I will have to gain even more reassurance by asking him to swear on my life and promise with ‘no crosses included’. Yes I know this is ridiculous but I don’t feel satisfied with the answer if I don’t do this, and just worry that he may be lying to me to make me feel better with the answer. I still need this reassurance even now when he gives me it each time, and I have never caught him lying. It takes a lot to get something out of my head, and most of the time a few weeks/months later I will ask the same things again to see if he was telling the truth to begin with or if I have forgotten the answer he has already given me.
At the very beginning of our relationship, I would never ask anything, and I wouldn’t really feel the need to. It’s only when I become more comfortable with my partner that the questioning and worry begins and gradually gets worse and worse until there is just no stopping it.
There was one time, when for a few weeks I was asking things from the minute we woke up to the minute we went to sleep the same night. Then it would happen the next day etc etc… Even when we left each other to go to work I would be asking via text and staring at my phone until I had the reply. Or I would ask via email or even ring him. There were numerous occasions where I would call him when I got out of bed to ask him the questions that first came to mind that morning (he starts work before me). I would call him at lunch to ask more, and I would call him on the way home from work to ask even more. Then it would carry on until we went to sleep. As you can imagine it caused a lot of arguments between us at this point, and we nearly broke up. Luckily my partner is very understanding and caring and most of the time he is there for me however hard it is to cope with. Just lately though his tolerance has started to decrease and he can’t cope with even little questions as much as he could before. I am so scared and worried that he will leave me if I don’t stop the questioning altogether. I don’t even know why I NEED to know these things as much as I do. if I am asking questions about how much better at a certain thing or how much better I am in a certain way than other people he has been with then I know I am asking because I desperately want to make sure I’m better. I don’t even know why this is important to me, because none of what I ask is important to him. It only ever happens between me and partners; I never feel the need to ask questions with anyone else such as friends or family.
I have read blogs where people are explaining their OCD with questions and they tend to ask a lot of questions that don’t have meaning. For example, they would ask why they have watched that TV programme, what happened on it, what time it was on, how long it was on for, what channel it was on etc. And they feel the need to do this just as much as I do with my more meaningful questions. They say they cannot control it, just like I can’t. It kind of feels like there is someone burrowing in my brain coming out at random times forcing me to have intrusive thoughts which I then need to ask a question about. This burrowing person is making me feel sick and sweaty when the thought first pops in, and I feel relief after asking the question. Then it comes back again with something different. I will usually ask approximately 3 questions about the same thing to gain even more clarification.
When I say my questions are meaningful, what I mean is that I ask because I believe the answer means something to me, for example if my partner has done something with his previous girlfriend as well as myself, it may mean he had as much fun with her, or was as close to her as me. Stupid eh? And I know it is, yet I still can’t change, no matter what I do.
I have attended 9 sessions of high intensity CBT therapy, however it hasn’t helped all that much. I feel I have slightly more control over it than I did a few months ago when the questioning was nonstop, but it’s still daily. It’s still more than once per day too and I can’t remember the last time I went a full day without asking him something.
I am also on a 40mg dose of Citalopram (antidepressants) which does work. When I have missed a few I can most definitely tell. My questions become more frequent and I find it a lot harder to control it or cope with the feelings. I have also been thinking about requesting an even higher dose as I have become so desperate to sort myself out. I have even enquired about CBT hypnotherapy. I am willing to try EVERYTHING and ANYTHING.
Can anyone at all relate to this? Like I previously stated, I cannot seem to find anyone going through the same problem. If there is anybody out there that feels the same way and is struggling as much as me, please get in touch. We should create a group where we can all help each other through this, and motivate one another to become more stable and secure. I know I could really do with chatting to someone who really understands and doesn’t just think they do. No one I tell seems to really know what I mean. I think it’s one of those things that if you haven’t personally experienced it you don’t fully understand just how hard it is to cope with and how bad it makes you feel. I would love to be able to talk to someone in the same position and help each other as much as possible. Thanks for listening J and I hope to find someone out there soon who can relate …..
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