Obsessive Compulsive Questionning - and CBT - Can anyone relate???

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I am desperately trying to find people who can relate to my problem. It is so hard and I am beginning to feel I may be alone with this. I have found a few blogs where people are experiencing very similar issues but still very different at the same time.

Let me tell you a little about my problem. It is so hard to explain so please bear with me.

Basically to cut a long story short before I go into more detail, I ask my partner a million questions a day. The types of questions vary but are often along the same lines and are mostly to do with how he feels about me and how he has felt about people in previous relationships. Most of the time the questions I ask are very personal and I think the majority of other people wouldn’t dare.  I have listed some examples below, some worse and more personal than others. Reading them you may think “my god she’s a nutter, how does she dare ask him these things” but the thing is, I don’t know. I get this overwhelming feeling when a thought/question comes to mind and just NEED to know. I feel hot, sick, sweaty and panicky as soon as I think of the question. I don’t know where they come from or why, all I know is that it takes over my life and ruins all the relationships I have ever had L …

-          Were you more affectionate with her

-          Is she better in bed than me (I always ask for more detail, but I won’t specify on here)

-          Have you ever kissed other people the way you kiss me

-          Have you done that before with other people

-          Do you still love me

-          Were her boobs better than mine (mine are tiny)

-          Are mine better out of a bra, if hers are better in the bra (more cleavage)

The list goes on and on and on. If you asked me any question now, I will have most likely asked my partner it a million times.

The thing is, it’s not just the amount and type of questions I ask, it’s the way I ask them as well. I will have the answer (whether it’s one I wanted or not) yet I will still have to ask again. I will have to gain even more reassurance by asking him to swear on my life and promise with ‘no crosses included’. Yes I know this is ridiculous but I don’t feel satisfied with the answer if I don’t do this, and just worry that he may be lying to me to make me feel better with the answer. I still need this reassurance even now when he gives me it each time, and I have never caught him lying. It takes a lot to get something out of my head, and most of the time a few weeks/months later I will ask the same things again to see if he was telling the truth to begin with or if I have forgotten the answer he has already given me.

At the very beginning of our relationship, I would never ask anything, and I wouldn’t really feel the need to. It’s only when I become more comfortable with my partner that the questioning and worry begins and gradually gets worse and worse until there is just no stopping it.

There was one time, when for a few weeks I was asking things from the minute we woke up to the minute we went to sleep the same night. Then it would happen the next day etc etc… Even when we left each other to go to work I would be asking via text and staring at my phone until I had the reply. Or I would ask via email or even ring him. There were numerous occasions where I would call him when I got out of bed to ask him the questions that first came to mind that morning (he starts work before me). I would call him at lunch to ask more, and I would call him on the way home from work to ask even more. Then it would carry on until we went to sleep. As you can imagine it caused a lot of arguments between us at this point, and we nearly broke up. Luckily my partner is very understanding and caring and most of the time he is there for me however hard it is to cope with. Just lately though his tolerance has started to decrease and he can’t cope with even little questions as much as he could before. I am so scared and worried that he will leave me if I don’t stop the questioning altogether. I don’t even know why I NEED to know these things as much as I do. if I am asking questions about how much better at a certain thing or how much better I am in a certain way than other people he has been with then I know I am asking because I desperately want to make sure I’m better. I don’t even know why this is important to me, because none of what I ask is important to him. It only ever happens between me and partners; I never feel the need to ask questions with anyone else such as friends or family.

I have read blogs where people are explaining their OCD with questions and they tend to ask a lot of questions that don’t have meaning. For example, they would ask why they have watched that TV programme, what happened on it, what time it was on, how long it was on for, what channel it was on etc. And they feel the need to do this just as much as I do with my more meaningful questions. They say they cannot control it, just like I can’t. It kind of feels like there is someone burrowing in my brain coming out at random times forcing me to have intrusive thoughts which I then need to ask a question about. This burrowing person is making me feel sick and sweaty when the thought first pops in, and I feel relief after asking the question. Then it comes back again with something different. I will usually ask approximately 3 questions about the same thing to gain even more clarification.

When I say my questions are meaningful, what I mean is that I ask because I believe the answer means something to me, for example if my partner has done something with his previous girlfriend as well as myself, it may mean he had as much fun with her, or was as close to her as me. Stupid eh? And I know it is, yet I still can’t change, no matter what I do.

I have attended 9 sessions of high intensity CBT therapy, however it hasn’t helped all that much. I feel I have slightly more control over it than I did a few months ago when the questioning was nonstop, but it’s still daily. It’s still more than once per day too and I can’t remember the last time I went a full day without asking him something.

I am also on a 40mg dose of Citalopram (antidepressants) which does work. When I have missed a few I can most definitely tell. My questions become more frequent and I find it a lot harder to control it or cope with the feelings. I have also been thinking about requesting an even higher dose as I have become so desperate to sort myself out. I have even enquired about CBT hypnotherapy. I am willing to try EVERYTHING and ANYTHING.

Can anyone at all relate to this? Like I previously stated, I cannot seem to find anyone going through the same problem. If there is anybody out there that feels the same way and is struggling as much as me, please get in touch. We should create a group where we can all help each other through this, and motivate one another to become more stable and secure. I know I could really do with chatting to someone who really understands and doesn’t just think they do. No one I tell seems to really know what I mean. I think it’s one of those things that if you haven’t personally experienced it you don’t fully understand just how hard it is to cope with and how bad it makes you feel. I would love to be able to talk to someone in the same position and help each other as much as possible. Thanks for listening J and I hope to find someone out there soon who can relate …..

Nicci XxX

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37 Replies

  • Posted

    hi smile dont worry there are people out there that do have the same problem ... i have questions i would love to ask my husband but im afraid to speak ... i will keep it bottled up to a point where i just randomly start an argument about previous women or even women he works with ... we shouldnt worry about the previous as we are in their future but we cant help it ... you just have to think if they was that good in bed or better looking then you then what the hell is he here for ,,, wouldnt he be with those other women ? ... my husband has had 3 relationships im the 3rd but he has slept with alot of women i myself have had one previous relationship so i kinda worry im not doing stuff right but ... he married me and not those other women smile and thats all you got to think if he wanted them or they was better he wouldnt even be putting up with all the questions he would just go. xx
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    • Posted

      You are right Sarah and i often tell myself all the things you just have. Its just so much easier said than done. As i said to Hanky below, i know what the questions do and i know they cause arguments and push people away which would hurt a hell of a lot less than losing my partner, yet it still doesnt stop me or help me gain control. He definitly wouldnt have put up with his previous partners asking all of these questions and i know for a fact i mean a lot more to him than anyone has in the past, but for some reason i still worry abou literally everything. It can even be something like "has he ever been to a waterpark with them" or "did he like her at the begginngin as much as he liked me"... omg its really stupid, and i know it is. I just cant help it. no matter how hard i try.xxx


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    • Posted

      wife number 3 im with now, she took me on with 8 children and like you said my previous wives wouldnt of stayed with me either, i have always cheated on my ex's but the one im with now has turned my life around and what i have put her through i cannot belive she is still here smile like you said sounds stupid hmmmmmmmm  keep thinking that way then you will believe it ( easier said than done ) :-/  hubby is there cos he lovvvvvvvvves YOU  just like my wife is.
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  • Posted

    Hi Niccik,  omg I ask questions to my wife too, I started CBT week or so ago and they tell you about thoughts and how they work etc ( helpful ) all the questions I ask I feel as though I'm pushing her away so your not alone
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    • Posted

      Hi Hanky. The reason im so deperate now is because all the way through our relationship my partner has told me he would stick by me no matter what. But now, his toelrance has decreased and hes said he doesnt know right now if hed be able to stay with me forever if my questions dont dramatically reduce and maybe even stop altogether., I am so scared that i will always be like this and lose everyone i love. So i feel exactly the same, i am pushing him away. sad ... I found CBT worked a little for me. Tought me the ways of dealing with it and holding them back for longer each time, but i didnt and still dont have the control to be able to do it for long. I cant go a day without asking, even though the consequences of asking (pushing him away, causing arguments) are far worse than what i get from asking the questions. Id much rather never ask and keep my partner forever, yet something stops that from happenning.
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    • Posted

      Another thing Hanky..... How do you feel when the question first comes into your head? is it like an overwhelming sicky feeling, kind of making you all hot and bothered until you ask when you feel relief? Have you found any way of helping you hold back from asking? x


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    • Posted

      its blimmin hard but when i ask questions she always reassueres me but even then it doesnt sink in arrrrrrgh, i kept it bottle up for a day then the questions were worse than ever, of a night i think of things to say especially before she goes to bed and then wow i cannot sleep, but today i thought loads and kept telling them to get lost there true and im trying hard to believe this, be strong niccik smile message me anytime
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  • Posted

    Not entirely convinced you are expericing symptoms of OCD - more related to self-esteem than anything; possibly related to some kind of personality disorder.

    Analysing it more would say to me, you're creating a self-fulfiling prophecy in the sense that asking him the questions creates distance, not getting answers creates a distance, constant reassurance creates a distance, and you lose your partner through doing it, and maybe deep down that's what you want, but conflict arises and creates anxiety because you DON'T want that either.

    Why do you do it? Well, CBT will not provide an answer to that. Counselling might in the sense that it could help you unlock the secrets of your life before you started to do this as habit in relationships; it's almost like your shield; your defensive mechanism when confronted with the thought that somebody is getting close to you.

    A lot of the questions you are asking (that you give as examples) reveal a lot about a person and in turn a more curious mind would ask you, "why do you ask?" and that creates the situation where you are left explaining why you answer by discussing your flaws, and through doing that you gain some sense of power - it's like, that person can see my vulnerabilities and will take more care of me; a form of empowerment, or manipulation.

    Have you ever researched personality disorders or queried whether or not you have one? Have you ever received DBT (or Dialectical Behavioural Therapy)?

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    • Posted


      I arent convinced its OCD either, thats just my way of explaining it i guess. I do relate to alot of the OCD symptoms. But thats the thing, i dont know whats wrong so im unsure of the help i need. 

      I have never looked into personality disorders or queried whether it could be that. I definitly will be now. neither have i received DBT although i have heard of it. I will research it smile thankyou.

      Also, i know for a fact it is not because deep down i want to push them away because I love my partner more than life, i would never leave him and couldnt bare the thought of not being with him. I dont even know what really triggers the questions and the initial thoughts to trigger the questions. they just kind of 'appear' in my mind and wont it rest until i know the answer. I do know however, that sometimes certain things can trigger questions such as something on TV. For example, if a couple on TV are showing each other affection, i will ask my partner if he has been like that in the past with someone. Or if we go out for the day say to a theme park i will need to know if he has done the same with a previous girlfriend. I ask about EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING sad .... It hurts like hell....x

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  • Posted

    Good morning peeps ok mso I have been reading the questions and responses and I would love to put my 2 cents into this conversation.

    Question? what is it about yourself that you don't Love? And What is it about yourself that you do Love?

    Reason I ask.. Most women and men have an underlying root to why they ask the questions to their partners when it relates to other partners VS them. We are all curious about how we compare to our partners past relationships mainly because we try early to be the best we can be for the other person. I know I'm a question asker like you but I learned years ago that if that person wants to be with someone else they never deserved you in the first place. We also deal with identity crisis. Most people find thier identity in the person they are with when in truth you have to be ok with you first and then bring your strength to the relationship not the other way around. Obviously this guy adores you and wants to be with you or he wouldn't be BOTTOM LINE smile you sound like an amzing person with so much to offer if you would just believe that in yourself.

    I am a life coach and council women all the time who deal with this sweetie and your fine. I will tell you this as some advice BE CAREFUL not to run him off. All those feelings of insecurity will drive him from you. Most men want a strong women who believes in herself. Put the ball abck in your court and show him how self confident you really are and all those worries will vanish in an instance I PROMISE..

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    • Posted

      Hi Satlife1117. Thanks for responding smile ....

      I cannot for the life of me get to the bottom of why i do this. I dont really have any confidence or self esteem issues that i am aware of. I am pretty happy with myself and dont find much to complain about. I have my bad days where i feel a bit crap about myself but then who doesnt. THats why i am so puzzled about how i am. I think if i knew i would feel a lot better and be able to deal with it a lot better too.

      You are right, he must love me or he definitly wouldnt have put up with me for 2 years. I am never like this until feelings for my parter develop. 

      My childhood was pretty much ok. I did witness my dad being violent with my mum regularly and they divorced when i was 15 but they are best of friends now and that didnt take long. I don't know if wether what happenned with my parents made me this way?!... I would love to get to the bottom of it.

      Pushing him away is what i am more scared of, and because im worrying about doing that i seem to be making myself worse as im constantly thinking about not doing it. Vicious circle rolleyes ...

      Would you recommend counselling? I havent really thought about trying it as i dont feel i have anything that bothers me to talk through, but like i say i would love to get to the bottom of why i'm like this.

      again thanks for responding and your kind words smile


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  • Posted

    I am exactly the same but I think its more to do with self esteem than anything else. I was abandoned by my mum and never received the love I wanted growing up so it made it difficult to believe someone could like or love me.

    I think the best thing to try would be try more CBT as it helps change the way you think. I have my assessment on Tuesday and I'm hoping it will help.

    I drive myself insane with all the questioning. I never care at the start of the relationship its when I start to develop feelings. I figure im just deeply insecure sad

    He must love you if he's with you and its great that he understands you xx

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    • Posted

      Hi Princessx. Why is life so hard eh??... I am going to try CBT Hypnotherapy. It costs but hopefully will be well worth it. 

      The only thing i would say with CBT is that make sure you have a therapist you click with. I found that because we didnt really click and i felt a bit uncomfortable talking with her, i didnt get the most out of the seesions that i could have. I am going to see if i can  get back on the waiting list. I waited 6 years for it the first time though rolleyes... Fingers crossed.

      Its a nightmare isnt it, the questionning. Do you feel how i described when something comes into your head? 

      You say you think you are how you are because of the lack of love and affection when you were a child, im sorry to hear that. I dont have a clue what it is with me because i was always a happy child. The only thing i can think may have affected me was my dad being very agressive towards my mum. I witnessed it a lot. But i cant seem to think why that would make me how i am now. I would love to get to the bottom of it. I think that would make me feel a lot better too. I may seek some councelling as well to see if this helps. 

      Let me know how your CBT goes. I have some online work books that my therapist gave me, i can send you a link to them later if you like. they are really useful, although your therapist may give you them too.

      What types of questions do you ask if you dont mind me asking?...

      Good luck with CBT. And come talk to me whenever. We can motivate each other and teach each other new ways of thinking smile ... I struggle to find people who relate to me as what i do seems to be quite rare, so im pleased there are people out there who have similar problems.


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