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new here. had another one of those OMG days after a night of half i dont even remember. i am a black out drinker. i can go months without a drink, but all it takes is that one time, that one day, and self awareness and self control are not present. it almost always ends in something horrific, embarrassing and shameful. i spend the entire day after in bed, with my face in the pillow as bits and pieces of the night before begin coming to the surface and sheer panic and anxiety sets in. the " omg, i did it again, have i not learned from last time" .. and then i go into a deeper, darker place of self hatred and deep shame and guilt. this is ususally where i say" ok, that is the LAST time!". AND .. it is again, a lie. there is no end to the things i can do while drunk. i can kiss a married man in front of his wife, i can get into the bed of a stranger, i can run in traffic, i can get physical. i am scared and i need help. im shocked of who i am, what i am. i dont want to be a bad person anymore. 100 % of bad, is when i drink. i am so disgusted with me. today is day 2 of being sober. the next drink i have will kill me. please help point me in the direction i need to go in because im really scared. my children have seen and heard enough, my marriage is over. i cant live this 1 step forward when that drink throws me 2 steps back. thank you.
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