ok. i'm finally ready to get help. i surrender.

Posted , 13 users are following.

new here. had another one of those OMG days after a night of half i dont even remember. i am a black out drinker. i can go months without a drink, but all it takes is that one time, that one day, and self awareness and self control are not present. it almost always ends in something horrific, embarrassing and shameful. i spend the entire day after in bed, with my face in the pillow as bits and pieces of the night before begin coming to the surface and sheer panic and anxiety sets in. the " omg, i did it again, have i not learned from last time" .. and then i go into a deeper, darker place of self hatred and deep shame and guilt. this is ususally where i say" ok, that is the LAST time!". AND .. it is again, a lie. there is no end to the things i can do while drunk. i can kiss a married man in front of his wife, i can get into the bed of a stranger, i can run in traffic, i can get physical. i am scared and i need help. im shocked of who i am, what i am. i dont want to be a bad person anymore. 100 % of bad, is when i drink. i am so disgusted with me. today is day 2 of being sober. the next drink i have will kill me. please help point me in the direction i need to go in because im really scared. my children have seen and heard enough, my marriage is over. i cant live this 1 step forward when that drink throws me 2 steps back. thank you. 

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  • Posted

    'i can get into the bed of a stranger'

    Starting to like you already.

    Well, you are definitely not alcohol dependent then. You are an occasional binge drinker. I don't think medication would be suitable for you, I think counselling is probably the best course of action.

    Can you tell us how much you tend to drink on a black out binge. I am wondering if you are chemically intolerant to alcohol.

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    • Posted

      7  bud lights isn't a huge amount. Not good for you by any means, but not huge. Still, not like the Finnish that get blind drunk off of just a few drinks. Is there any northern european in you? Does this tend to run in the family?
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    • Posted

      most of my family is alcoholics and my brother has black outs like me. i have mediterranean geneology. i have destroyed my reputation and my share of the marriage.  ( husband is a daily drinker ). im an alcoholic aint i >? i never in a million years thought i could be this person i am today..
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    • Posted

      Well, keep the faith, Michelle. I think this is all a good exercise in figuring out the scope and the breadth of the issues at hand. Getting the drinking under control is going to go a long way towards improving your self-image. No doubt there are some underlying behavioral problems that you need to round up some support for too, so you don't get railroaded back into grabbing the bottle.

      If others in your family know they have a problem and want a way out, TSM will likely produce fast results for them (and you) as the classic elements are at play here. NB, the benzodiazepines will not get along with TSM, so if you want to go forward with it you'll need to coordinate with your doc to find a substitute and the right method of switching from the one to the other. If you only take the benzos on occasion to help you sleep, that's different and maybe not such a problem. If it turns out that TSM just isn't for you, there are indeed other options, so I want you to know there is a way forward and there are some options to choose from. 

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    • Posted

      very good and technical reply!! I like it and try to analyze your situation Michelle might be the way forward...However, I have seen that everybody else around you drink heavily which obviously does not help. Best of luck from Robin
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    • Posted

      As always RHGB you have hit the nail on the head. I love your honesty. But getting into the bed of a stranger is not a good thing. It might be at the time, but the next day......

       

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    • Posted

      ..there is nothing worse than waking up the next day wondering ....protection? is this guy sick? does he have a girlfriend that cheats and maybe he doesnt know he is sick? does he use drugs? maybe he shares needles and he is sick... and this .. is torture. 

      i have zero idea how i have managed to be STD free. i know that sounds gross.. but i have had blackouts about 10times that included a guy (kiss) at which 5 of those times were BAD. i have no excuse because i have no recollection except pieces.. very tiny fragments...i hate what alcohol does to me. my next drink will kill me. i will not have a drink today. 

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    • Posted

      Aplogies for taking so long to come back. i was going to ask you where you are from the other day, I guessed it was the US, by your use of the word 'whore' as we would probably use the word 'slut' in the UK, there is a big technical difference.

      The reason I wanted to know the country, was to confirm alcohol quantities. US beers are usually 12fl oz or a pint is 16 fl oz, but women don't usually drink them and 12fl oz is just over a UK half (our pint is 20fl oz). that means in UK terms your 7 beers are quivalent to 4 pints,

      I seriously don't think you have a problem with alcohol. I think you have a low self worth and a low self image (not to be confused with self esteem). I think you are in a very unhappy life, that is loveless - hence you seek attention from others in anyway you feel you can.

      You're unhappiness manifests itself in these occasional bursts of alcohol consumption, as your mind is no longer able to deal with it and maintain sanity and because you are not a regular drinker, your body does not have much tolerance to alcohol. You have cognitive dissonance, you know the situation you are in is wrong, but you are unable to find a solution to it and whilst that situation exists, there is always going to be angst.

      You are in need of a friend, somebody to love and to be able to return to what you class as normality, happy times.

      You need to seek counselling to help you sort this mess out, and extract yourself from the current situation you find yourself in. Until you do this, you are destined to repeat your binges, going to the AA will not help you, because it will not deal with your low self worth.

      You need someone to guide you, to help you extract yourself from your current predicament, and help you with a way forward. Once this happens you will find that you don't need to have the alcohol binge to oblivion. If you do not get counselling, you run the risk of more regularly drinking as you feel more and more worthless in a trapped relationship (even if it is platonic) and this is a downward spiral.

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    • Posted

      That was a powerful and very true statement. yes on all accounts. i have control over my sadness and misery.. i do things to keep my head above water.. the drinking, i have no control over therefore there is no end to the possibilites of what i do or say when i consume. i am going to take your response to heart and get back into therapy where i dont just blame my spouse and my sh*t childhood. i will go there to fix me. this is not the life i want to live anymore or the way i want to be remembered. 

      i thank you, deeply, for your honesty .. and your knowledge. 

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    • Posted

      I hope you succeed, remember, sort out the unhappiness and the drinking will sort itself out.

      Between now and when you go to your therapist, write down your thoughts, you will have lots of them, at all sorts of times of the day. Find a good hiding place where your 'lodger' won't find it, write it all on an A4 pad, it doesn't matter what it is, it doesn't have to be neat - it has to be a memory jogger.

      Nearer the time, start to collate them, tidy easy to read writing, bullet points, with the most important first, break it down into sections if it helps it become more manageable.

      Because I guarantee what will happen if you don't. The night before you will have it all planned in your head, well thought out and just ready to go. Then you will walk through the therapists' door and promptly forget everything and not even cover half of what you wanted.

      Of course, 30 minutes after walking out from the meeting, you'll remember everything and be kicking yourself. Plan it, make it easier for yourself and then you're less likely to fail. If it goes well, then you will be happy and if you're happy, then you know what you won't turn to for comfort.

      Just remember, it won't all get sorted in one day/one meeting, because it's taken along time to get where it has. But your first step is to recognise the problem, when you have done that, you can then work on a plan to tackle it.

      Good luck.

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