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ok. i'm finally ready to get help. i surrender.

Posted , 13 users are following.

michelle15997
michelle15997

new here. had another one of those OMG days after a night of half i dont even remember. i am a black out drinker. i can go months without a drink, but all it takes is that one time, that one day, and self awareness and self control are not present. it almost always ends in something horrific, embarrassing and shameful. i spend the entire day after in bed, with my face in the pillow as bits and pieces of the night before begin coming to the surface and sheer panic and anxiety sets in. the " omg, i did it again, have i not learned from last time" .. and then i go into a deeper, darker place of self hatred and deep shame and guilt. this is ususally where i say" ok, that is the LAST time!". AND .. it is again, a lie. there is no end to the things i can do while drunk. i can kiss a married man in front of his wife, i can get into the bed of a stranger, i can run in traffic, i can get physical. i am scared and i need help. im shocked of who i am, what i am. i dont want to be a bad person anymore. 100 % of bad, is when i drink. i am so disgusted with me. today is day 2 of being sober. the next drink i have will kill me. please help point me in the direction i need to go in because im really scared. my children have seen and heard enough, my marriage is over. i cant live this 1 step forward when that drink throws me 2 steps back. thank you. 

0 likes, 62 replies

62 Replies

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  • nicole36330
    nicole36330 michelle15997

    Posted

    I am a daily drinker and havnt gone a day without drinking in I don't know how long so all I can say is if you are not alcohol dependant just don't pick up that first drink,you can do without it for weeks and it just causes you immense pain.

    If you do feel you still want to drink check out the Sinclair method

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 nicole36330

      Posted

      "just dont pick up that first drink".. is like saying " just dont eat any more junk food, or just dont buy a pack of cigarettes. 

      my drinking, while not daily, is still an addiction, a very serious one.  i could have killed myself or someone else. i dont remember anything past 10. i thought i left at 10. i didnt leave until 1 am. 

    • ADEfree
      ADEfree michelle15997

      Posted

      Michelle, especially if you've tried to stop before and just end up drinking harder for your efforts, have a look here:

      https://patient.info/health/sinclair-method-for-alcohol-use-disorder

      This is the method that I use and I've cut out 75% of my drinking at just shy of 4 months in. I'm a daily drinker, not a binger, but I'm a member of a couple of online forums that focus on this method. One of the first benefit that bingers report is that the blackouts stop in pretty short order. Keep in mind that it's not a magic pill, you do have to put some effort into it, but it amplifies your efforts considerably. 

    • ADEfree
      ADEfree michelle15997

      Posted

      Yes. There's a "Find a Physician" list at CThreeFoundation (dot) org. The "Verified" listings are docs that know how to prescribe per TSM protocol. I have a couple other names in NC and CA that aren't on the list yet, PM me if you're interested.
  • rainbow2014
    rainbow2014 michelle15997

    Posted

    Hello Michelle 

    Firstly , well done for doing this today smile You are in the best place here 

    I myself can identify with everything you say and feel and I'm sure most of us here will agree. 

    You have made a stand and a clear statement to yourself  today and thats very brave. Be proud of yourself and use this strength that you have found to do this to make things better from this day on. You can do it .

    I went to AA a couple of weeks ago . After drinking every day for many years I managed to stay sober for 9 days. I must say it was difficult as my life is stressful but I did it and was so proud of myself . I felt amazing in the day and found a new lease of life . I felt excited, happy, I laughed alot more etc .This weekend I ruined it all by thinking I could go out and have a drink with friends. I did have a couple and it was fine . The next day I thought, well its the weekend , just the one ! Of course it wasnt the one . Yesterday two bottles !! and now having a glass to make me better ......

    The point Im trying to make is ....I've learnt too many times and enough is enough . Tomorrow is the day I pick myself up , brush myself off and start my life again smile 

    Michelle, we all have bad moments , but please dont be hard on yourself . You say you can go months without a drink but obviously when you do drink you react badly (like me !!) Blackouts are the worst . Nightmares, are terrible too . 

    I really hope this site will help you turn a corner , the right happy one . 

    Stay strong and let us know how you are doing xx

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 rainbow2014

      Posted

      thank you for putting your hand out. im totally grabbing it and holding on. i have done soo many good things after nights like this. i try to show myself that im better than that. im better than the person i become when i drink. i went back to school and stopped drinking. life was uneventful and normal during that time. then i go and 1 night.. ruin friendships, have people think im the town slut. i hate myself for acting in a way that sober me finds disgusting. i have no idea why drunk me is such a whore.  sad  i need to find the root of this chaos. i will come here daily to make the commitment of " no drinking today" . i have to treat alcohol like i do with poison or seafood.. stay away. 

      as far as you go.. your doing great. put the glass down and say " pfft, dont need you " and go do some sit ups or take a walk. you got this! 

    • rainbow2014
      rainbow2014 michelle15997

      Posted

      Hi again Michelle

      Thanks for replying. Today is a bright sunny day where I am . Hope the sun is with you. Today is a new day and all of that . 

      Stay strong and positive . You can do this smile 

      Rainbow xx

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 rainbow2014

      Posted

      good morning. i will not have a drink today.  thank you for your encouragement. im still so ashamed and i dont feel like i want to have to live with it.. but i know i have no other choice and that is difficult
  • vodka07
    vodka07 michelle15997

    Posted

    No you are not a daily drinker, therefore not dependant on alcohol. But what is clear is when you do drink, it has harrowing consequences, ones which even you cannot determine. Therefore, alcohol is a problem for you, regardless of how much you drink and when you drink it. I wonder if there are any triggers that make you drink when you do? Can you identify any? Possibly this could be identified and controlled through some counselling. You have done what many of us here have done on numerous occasions, I know that won't make you feel better but maybe knowing others are like you when they drink won't make you feel any worse.

    Really concentrate on your thoughts and feelings during the times you do drink. You can go long periods without drinking so perhaps alcohol just doesn't really suit you? If you are getting into these type of situations every time you drink I would be suggesting complete abstience for the sake of both you and your children.

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 vodka07

      Posted

      triggers; my marriage. i live with my platonic spouse, legally separated for 3 yrs now because of his narcissism.  he calls me a whore and a slut everytime i try to rekindle our marriage. he reminds me of the time 18 yrs ago that i was flirting with a guy in a bar. now i seem to be stuck. i repeat that over and over and over and over. im validating that i am the whore he tells me i am .. every damn day of my life. 
    • ADEfree
      ADEfree michelle15997

      Posted

      Are you sticking with this guy because of the children? I'll confess to being presumptuous as hell about this, but I'd suggest moving on to another relationship that's going to be healthier for you and leave this guy in the dust. 
    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 ADEfree

      Posted

      we are not together. however he likes it this way. we have been platonic for years... many years. 20 yrs and i never really had a marriage with him. he is a daily drinker who just wants me to cook and pay bills and raise the kids. we do however sleep in the same bed but we have been platonic now for 2 or 3 yrs
    • ADEfree
      ADEfree michelle15997

      Posted

      His head has got to be in a different space from having that daily habit. Does he put away a fair bit?
    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 ADEfree

      Posted

      he drinks from the moment he walks into the house till he tucks himself in .. its all day .. for 25 yrs now. once one finishes, another opens. 
    • ADEfree
      ADEfree michelle15997

      Posted

      Does he ever talk about wanting to stop? Maybe he sees it as a problem, but can't seem to find a good way out? 

      I worry about this as it seems to be a really toxic relationship for you, one that almost certainly contributes towards your drinking problem., even though there is a genetic component to your drinking as well. 

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 ADEfree

      Posted

      i asked him years ago, about 10 yrs ago.. when i wasnt drinking. i told him our family was breaking and that he needed to stop. he said no way. he also said " you knew what you were getting into when you met me".  sad its my fault. i stayed and tried to deal. i let my kids down. i should have ran then, but my own personal morals .. i refused to have a broken family. ironically, my family broke more than my childhood ... 
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