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ok. i'm finally ready to get help. i surrender.

Posted , 13 users are following.

michelle15997
michelle15997

new here. had another one of those OMG days after a night of half i dont even remember. i am a black out drinker. i can go months without a drink, but all it takes is that one time, that one day, and self awareness and self control are not present. it almost always ends in something horrific, embarrassing and shameful. i spend the entire day after in bed, with my face in the pillow as bits and pieces of the night before begin coming to the surface and sheer panic and anxiety sets in. the " omg, i did it again, have i not learned from last time" .. and then i go into a deeper, darker place of self hatred and deep shame and guilt. this is ususally where i say" ok, that is the LAST time!". AND .. it is again, a lie. there is no end to the things i can do while drunk. i can kiss a married man in front of his wife, i can get into the bed of a stranger, i can run in traffic, i can get physical. i am scared and i need help. im shocked of who i am, what i am. i dont want to be a bad person anymore. 100 % of bad, is when i drink. i am so disgusted with me. today is day 2 of being sober. the next drink i have will kill me. please help point me in the direction i need to go in because im really scared. my children have seen and heard enough, my marriage is over. i cant live this 1 step forward when that drink throws me 2 steps back. thank you. 

0 likes, 62 replies

62 Replies

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  • ursulauc62
    ursulauc62 michelle15997

    Posted

    Hi Michelle,

    my drinking pattern has been just like yours - can go for weeks and months without, and then a few drinks, and I cant stop, dont want to stop, - all sorts of bizzare or just downright awful behaviour, sometimes with awful consequences.  Whatever you have done, I probably have done as well. 

    I am managing without now, and for a few months, and havent got any desire to drink. 

    If I get stressed out to an extent that I really cant handle - and I would have had a drink before, I will usually take a valium - although its complicated by the fact that I am trying to stop taking these as well. They do work pretty well at calming me down, although I know there are much healthier ways to do this.

    I also go and lie on my bed with the door shut and lights dimmed and a table fan going - for a bit of soothing steady background noise. Has the advantage that it blocks out any distracting noises from the rest of the household/outside, and the rythum of it is somewhat hypnotic and helps me to sleep.

    I know there are plenty of other techniques which can be used, like going out for a brisk walk - although there is the danger of walking to the shop and buying some drink - which of course I've done many a time - so taking away all possible temptation and isolating myself in a calm environment seems to currently work for me. You can do it.

    Lots of Luck!

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 ursulauc62

      Posted

      thank you. i also do good self care things like table fan going, meditate type stuff. i also see a massage therapist twice a month and i take xanax. i am beginning to see myself as 2 people. the good person your talking to right now, and the bad person that i have to help. i dont know myself or my actions so i spend days loathing and panicking about " what the hell did SHE do this time". i cant drink today. that is all i have to keep saying, everyday. thank you again for helping me see i am not alone. 
    • ursulauc62
      ursulauc62 michelle15997

      Posted

      I so understand what you mean about 2 different people.  I have done things while drunk which just horrify me when sober - OK, nothing so life altering that there is no way back - but yes lost very good jobs, almost lost my marriage and family, and had quite a few injuries. 

      People who have met me in the drunk state practically dont recognise me when 'normal'.  

      The terrible sense of dread on waking up and realising 'I've done it AGAIN', I know so well, trying to remember things, wondering where the **ll I am sometimes.

      I tried AA and also found it wasnt really my thing, but there is a local alcohol support group, and I go to their meetings sometimes, and they are pretty good. There are daily drinkers, binge drinkers, and abstainers who were heavy drinkers there.

      For me, not drinking at all is the only answer, and I have a much better relationship with my family now because of it.

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 ursulauc62

      Posted

      im afraid i will get kicked out of my fire dept. due to my history that seems to be piling up. during my drunk moments ive kissed now 3 of the members of my own dept. i havent the slightest idea what "she" is doing when she drinks .. but my god.. its horrific. today i will not have a drink. i need to find a support group locally. 
    • ursulauc62
      ursulauc62 michelle15997

      Posted

      Hi Michelle,

      there has got to be a support group local to you. It will help really. Just look them up online now. 

      Its a shame that youre husband drinks every day, as that means there is no support at home for you. It also sounds like youre husband is pretty unsupportive generally, and maybe you should consider spending some time away from him if its a possibility? Being with him is undermining any self esteem you have, and that can easily trigger youre drinking.

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 ursulauc62

      Posted

      He just keeps saying " stop using drinking as an excuse for your BS that you do" and .. your fine.. 

      i swear its not an excuse, i have a drinking problem. i know i do ...my behaviors are poor ONLY when theres alcohol involved..that alone is a problem

    • ursulauc62
      ursulauc62 michelle15997

      Posted

      It does sound as if youre husband has a drinking problem, whether you really do or not, and if he wont give you any support at all, is he worth being with?

       

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 ursulauc62

      Posted

      no. its a battle i have had for many years. i WISH he had said to me " if you dont stop, im leaving". that would show me that he cared and wanted us to work. instead he tells me im fine and the cycle continues. its hard to explain that his drinking ..escalated to me drinking, but that is what happened. i never wanted to leave him becuase of his drinking because he is dependant of it and it is a disease. his drinking destroyed our marriage because it came first. my drinking is what i have to own. im out of control and acting like a 25 yr old. i guess its time for me to close that chapter, leave, and get sober and take care of me.  sad
  • ADEfree
    ADEfree michelle15997

    Posted

    Michelle -

    I think you've come to the right place. I've been a daily drinker for 30+ years. I started using a medication that is taken a certain way and have cut my drinking back quite a bit, but it's not the only one out there, safe to say there's something for everybody that wants to get alch under control.

    Are you in the UK or the US? 

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 ADEfree

      Posted

      US. good job on the cutting back. i think that is fantastic. im scared because cutting back isnt an option for me. if i begin drinking without self awareness.. i have no self control and its like time stops. zero responsilbity and zero care.
    • ADEfree
      ADEfree michelle15997

      Posted

      It depends on whether or not you are going to be drinking anyway.

      If you'd like to quit entirely and simply can't manage it on your own, there are meds to help you stay sober. How long do you go inbetween binges?

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 ADEfree

      Posted

      i can go months. i can drink one tomorrow and none for a month. i can go 2 yrs without incident. but then BAM .. incident, and those incidents are HUGE. humiliating and embarrasssing and down right bad. 
  • richard89308
    richard89308 michelle15997

    Posted

    have you tried AA.

    rich

    • richard89308
      richard89308 michelle15997

      Posted

      well you also have a lot of support here so keep on posting and chatting in the mean time and I hope you get better in time.

      rich

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 richard89308

      Posted

      thank you very much. i appreciate you and all the replies. i felt very alone and can tend to be dangerously hard on myself. i will keep posting and helping others also 
    • h1954
      h1954 michelle15997

      Posted

      I can so understand why a drink seems like it will help when things get tough. But we both know it doesn't really. As you don't drink every day you ,right well benefit from the Sinclair method which you can google and which others in this sit use and find helpful and can advise you on. Good luck.
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