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ok. i'm finally ready to get help. i surrender.

Posted , 13 users are following.

michelle15997
michelle15997

new here. had another one of those OMG days after a night of half i dont even remember. i am a black out drinker. i can go months without a drink, but all it takes is that one time, that one day, and self awareness and self control are not present. it almost always ends in something horrific, embarrassing and shameful. i spend the entire day after in bed, with my face in the pillow as bits and pieces of the night before begin coming to the surface and sheer panic and anxiety sets in. the " omg, i did it again, have i not learned from last time" .. and then i go into a deeper, darker place of self hatred and deep shame and guilt. this is ususally where i say" ok, that is the LAST time!". AND .. it is again, a lie. there is no end to the things i can do while drunk. i can kiss a married man in front of his wife, i can get into the bed of a stranger, i can run in traffic, i can get physical. i am scared and i need help. im shocked of who i am, what i am. i dont want to be a bad person anymore. 100 % of bad, is when i drink. i am so disgusted with me. today is day 2 of being sober. the next drink i have will kill me. please help point me in the direction i need to go in because im really scared. my children have seen and heard enough, my marriage is over. i cant live this 1 step forward when that drink throws me 2 steps back. thank you. 

0 likes, 62 replies

62 Replies

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  • Sober_As
    Sober_As michelle15997

    Posted

    Hello Michelle,

    I think that you have already realised that ALCOHOL IS NOT FOR YOU !

    If it changes your behaviour, so much.

    If you cannot remember what you have done.

    If you hate your drunk self.

    Alcohol makes our difficult lives worse.  It cons us. It then controls.  I am Alcohol Dependent.... but I HATE IT !

    Alonangel 🎇

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 Sober_As

      Posted

      when was your last drink ? are you sober? i dont want to count the days .. since i can NEVER have another drink. i will just continue saying " i will just commit to no drink today" .. and i will just say that everyday .. that has to work because i believe my next drink will kill me. 
    • Sober_As
      Sober_As michelle15997

      Posted

      Hi Michelle,

      My last drink was yesterday.  I drink every day. Strangely enough, I am trying to achieve an Alcohol-Free day, today.  I have been taking Selincro/Nalmefene for 9 weeks.

      I wish you great success in the battle.

      Alonangel 🎇

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 Sober_As

      Posted

      will you commit to not drinking with me today? we are all here to help eachother. i am seeing my dr. today and will ask about selincro.. 

      best of luck to you as well. 

    • ADEfree
      ADEfree michelle15997

      Posted

      Here in the US, it's Naltrexone. Selincro is only available in Europe and the UK. 

      Another route, if you can manage to stay dry for awhile, is Acamprosate. You take it a few times a day and it put the kibosh on the cravings. Doesn't work for everybody, but there are options out there, for sure. There is Antabuse as well, but that's a very dangerous option. It does nothing to cut the craving and if you drink over the Antabuse you could die from it, so think hard about it and do your research if your doc tries to push you in that direction. Naltrexone might be of help, perhaps even in combination with something else (you would have to decide this with your doc) as it sounds like you may well have the gene variant that responds especially well to it. Might be good to have a chat with CThree Foundation about it, but understand they're not health professionals, though some of them are certified alcohol abuse counselors. 

      I think there's great wisdom in your responses to RHGB and Ursula, if your husband doesn't want out of his addiction, there's nothing you can do and you have to plot a course out of there to save your own life. Yes, plug back into counseling, maybe even check into some Al-Anon meetings (support for the families of alcoholics) or some similar secular option to help you keep focus. I think it's fair to say there's a co-dependency going on, so you'll likely need some tools for dealing with that as well, perhaps that's another way counseling can empower you. 

      And stick with us. We'll try to support you in any way we can. This is going to get better for you and I think you've got the attitude to power it forward.

    • Sober_As
      Sober_As michelle15997

      Posted

      Hello Michelle,

      I am sorry that I could not get back to you, before now.  Internet connection was down... then, the Patient Website was reloading the page, just before I could Post !

      I am not very techno, so I was ready to bounce my iPad off the ceiling !!

      I'll really need to try to be more "Angel-like" in my bahaviour !!!

      Of course I will commit to NOT DRINKING WITH YOU.  I am on Day 3 of Alcohol-free.  I find it very hard. I am a Daily Drinker.

      Blessings,

      Alonangel 🎇

  • Robin2015
    Robin2015 michelle15997

    Posted

    Hi Michelle. I am late joining and everybody has replied with some good responses. Admitting that there are problems and also knowing that THSI IS IT...NO MORE IS GREAT...Seek help and advice and I wish you best of luck. Robin
    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 Robin2015

      Posted

      thanks robin. i will need to come here every day to make a verbal commitment to not having a drink today. i know there is a problem because of how shameful i am. i also realize that i have ruined many things and it is ALL due to the alcohol. i have no support at home so i have to be super strong. 
  • Guest
    Guest michelle15997

    Posted

    Michelle. You have done an amazing job admitting that you can't binge drink. Some people drink every day (a lot of us on here) and some people drink too much at one time. Either way it is destructive for the person.

    It seems that you can go days or weeks without a drink, but then as soon as you have that first drink you can't stop. Blackouts. Unknown injuries and bruises? I have these.

    You can stop. I've been told to drink something that I don't like just to get the alcohol content. Some people won't agree with me but it works. You get the 'buzz' but you don't feel the need to keep on drinking and drinking and drinking.

    You will get lots of great advice on here. I don't think you have an alcohol dependancy but I'm not a doctor. Maybe you just like it too much once you start? If that's the case, don't drink your favourite drink on a night out xxx

    • michelle15997
      michelle15997 Guest

      Posted

      thank you for replying. i am choosing to have zero alcohol since something occurs that i have no control over.. the risk is just too great. i have to accept that and it will be a daily fight. every day i have to live the same as the day before; alcohol free. 

      best of luck on your journey 

  • michelle15997
    michelle15997

    Posted

    today, i had a realization that it wasnt just my husbands drinking that ruined our marriage. i finally admit to myself that being unsuccessful in getting him to stop and choosing to stay anyway has caused me to go into a slump and i fell on alcohol. ive never had anyone tell me i had a problem or anyone reaching out to help so .. i didnt think i had a problem. only now, that my marriage is over and my kids struggle with anger and depression and my blackout horror stories do i realize that i contributed to the downfall. i had a choice to leave and protect my kids and i chose to fight for my marriage and stay, but breakdown as a result. i told him this morning that i was sorry i didnt get the help i needed and that i no longer blame his drinking as the sole cause. he didnt respond. all i can say is i tried.. now i have to live for me and save what ever is left .. i am getting sober. i have a drinking problem. 
    • Guest
      Guest michelle15997

      Posted

      Michelle, you can do this. Sorry that you are going through such a bad time. We are all here to talk if you need us x
    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 michelle15997

      Posted

      Strong reply Michellle admitting so much. You are on the path to recovery I think and I wish you best of luck! Robin
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