Ok so here's a good one!

You slept with your daughters' boyfriend?

Liz, you have to explain why you are so upset, why is it your fault?  it's okay to talk to us, we won't judge, we are here to help.  If it helps to talk, we are here to listen.

Sorry to hear you so upset.

Pat xxxx

Perhaps you could be a bit clearer about your actions, so people don't assume anything 

HI Liz

Would like to know how to help and need more background information like the others have listed. What was it that you did that was so awful? We understand that you had a drink which is bad in itself but is there something else? Just wondering.

of course I didn't sleep with my daughters boyfriend! I'm not that bad!

she doesn't know her real father, he left us when she was 6 months old and we haven't seen him since.

her stepfather, who brought her up from the age of 2 to 18 hasn't seen her since we split up 5 years ago either. He punishes me by refusing to acknowledge her existence. Which is very sad and stupid, in my opinion. So she has been " dumped" by the 2 significant father figures in her life.

then she had to put up with my drinking, which started after my husband left me (her stepfather).

so I know this sounds stupid, but I really thought the one good thing in her life was her boyfriend who she met at university. And now they have ended their relationship. It was her decision but I know she is devastated really. And somehow I think it's my fault and I feel so devastated. I don't know why. I feel like I have let her down somehow.

writing this it sounds so silly. 

Maybe im a bit depressed at the moment? Maybe my pills aren't working.

i just think the one good thing in her life has been thrown away. 

Shes ok about it though. She sees it as a new beginning. And it is.

so why do I feel so bad?

I couldn't stop crying when she told me and I even broke down at work yesterday. Every time I think about it I cry.

maybe it's just a maternal thing?

but I'm worried about her and think she's done the wrong thing. But that's just me projecting my issues onto her relationship. After all it's her life, her decision and her future. And if she's happy about it then that's all good isn't it?

so why do I feel like it's my fault? 

Well, Liz, apologies for suggesting that, bt you did leave us all hanging!!!! This is not your fault, both my daughters ended long term relationships with boyfriends, and now my grandaughter has done the same,and it hurts because they became part of the family. But you cant make her decisions for her. She will bounce back, she's young. Just like I cant control what my alcoholic husband does, you cant control your daughters' life.

I actually think I'm depressed. I think it's being coming on for a while. I carry so much guilt. All to do with drinking. I lost custody of my son through drinking. He's only 14 now. He was 11 at the time. I tried to kill myself. Due to depression and drinking. 

My ex husband raped me after we'd split up and broke into the house on numerous occasions. He's a police officer so he got away with it. They tried to cover it up for a couple of years but eventually the police internal commissioning agency got involved and they looked into it. I had to give a 3 hour video interview which was very traumatic but the police officers involved with that we're brilliant. I had a panic alarm installed in the house afterwards and he was warned to keep away from me. He was arrested and put on sick leave until the investigation completed. Anyway, the internal police were convinced they would get a conviction but they didn't. The crown prosecuting service didn't progress the claim. There wasn't enough evidence. Even though all my and his friends gave statements to say how much he had changed since he joined the police, and became controlling and manipulative it wasn't enough. So they dropped the case.

the chief barrister of the cps wrote me a personal letter saying that although he believed me, and that I had given a very compelling interview he didn't feel it was enough to convince a jury. So he didn't allow it to go to court. He said he didn't want to put me through the trauma for a risky outcome. Also the proces would have damaged my children.

to say I was devastated was an understatement. At the time.

even the police officers involved cried with me at the outcome.

that day, after they'd gone 

back to station, I tried to kill myself. It was all too much. I'd lost. 

But I lost much more afterwards.

i was in hospital. And my son went to stay with his dad.

I was only in hospital for 2 days but his dad didn't tell my son how long I was in for. My son thought I was in for months. 

My son thought I was in hospital for months and his dad didn't tell him the truth. Even though he knew. He took me to court for custody of our son. And because I was so ill and depressed I didn't go to the hearing. So basically I gave him up to his dad.

he now lives with his dad on the other side of town. He comes to me every weekend and seems to be happy with the arrangement. It's not all bad. I known that some people think I am a terrible mother because I gave him up. But in my defence, and a very weak defence it is too, it was the best thing for my son at the time.

whatever happened between me and his dad was our problem. Not our sons. I know that his dad loves him more than anything in the world. He would never hurt him and he doesn't have the issues that I had and still have. He is safe with his dad. His dad isn't going to run out to the outdoor for booze every night. He's not going to sit crying into his dinner like I did. He will look after him and love him like a parent should. And most of all make him feel safe and secure.

and I couldn't do that when I was ill.

i can now, at least I thought I could, but it's too late. He's at a good school, has made friends, is doing amazingly well and I can't take him away from that now. I can't afford to live on that side of town, so it's not an option for me to live nearby and share custody.

so I have him every weekend and most of the school holidays. And I know he still loves me.

at xmas he opened up to me for the first time about how my drinking made him feel. We both cried a lot, but we got our feelings out in the open and I was honest with him. He found out I'd only been in hospital for 2 days but I didn't tell him I'd tried to,mill myself. That would have been too hard for him to handle, so I told him I was very depressed and it was a medical situation that could be controlled with medication.

was that wrong do you think.

 Should I have told him the truth?

my heart tells me no.

anyway, all of that and my daughters current situation is playing on my mind. I am carrying around a very heavy burden of guilt. And so I bloody should. It's all my fault. No one forced the alcohol down my throat.

i did it to myself. I have no one to blame but me. And I carry on doing it.

not very often, but it happens.

and then I feel so sh*t. I hate myself and I want it to be all over. But I can't do that. Not to anyone and not to my kids. So I have to keep fighting the urge. And hope that one day the pain goes away. 

Oh god!

 I'm so sh*t.

Liz, my heart goes out to you. There is no point in me telling you to pick yourself up and start again, you do need professional help, as Patricia said. Your doctor needs to assess your depression. I think alcohol causes depression,wether you are the alcoholic or living with one (like me) It destroys lives, and there is no one solution for everyone, we're all different

What help can I get though? I'm on an anti depressant that finally suits me with no bad side effects apart from teeth grinding and tinnitus,

if I go and see my doc he may change my medication which will then put me off kilter for a while and may make things worse.

and talking to a mental health doctor will take weeks. I'm not on their books anymore as I'm deemed to be ok. So I'm not a priority. And anyway the NHS is appalling when it comes to mental health issues. 

When you are depressed and need the most help, it's not there. Appointments can take 6 weeks and by that time you are probably feeling a bit better or dead. And if you're not dead, the feeling better will probably make you play down what you were feeling 6 weeks ago. So it's a no win situation. 

I need help now. Not in 6 weeks time. 

So hat do it do other than kill ,ysef to end the pain.

 

Paul. Do you have any advice.

please?

how do I cope with the all absorbing guilt?

Deirdre, your advice to Liz is perfect!  You have been there-and come out the other side, and your experience must help her x

I just had to come and thank Deirdre for that amazing post to Liz.  It was amazing and I hope Liz finds it as helpful as it seemed to me.

There are so many wonderful people on here, they are kind and caring even though they have their own problems, I find it so heartwarming.

Pat xxxxx