Ok so here's a good one!

Hi thank you both from the bottom of my heart for your lovely, lovely comments, Liz deserves all the support she can get, she must be a remarkable lady, and I hope so very much that she finds great HAPPINESS and PEACE , she so deserves, I wish you all the very best that life can give.... huge hugs... Deirdre xx

Hi. I am so grateful to all of you. I thought my situation was bad. But I know m not alone. There are other people out there who have suffered much more than I have and yet have not given up. They haven't stopped fighting. They are unique and so strong. I wish I couldbe like them.

I think I've always had predisposition to depression. And that's how alcohol found its way into me.

i remember when I was about 7, me and my twin sister would cry ourselves to sleep at night. She got over it, but I didnt.

when I was about 17 I used to go downstairs at night and sob on the lounge floor. No one ever knew. I don't know why I did it. It wasn't alcohol. I didn't drink much then, other than the odd half a lager at the weekend. It was all I could I afford.

it was nothing to do with my childhood or parents. They are amazing and I love them so much.

i started work at the age of 17 and I remember at that time I was covered in eczema. It was all over. Especially on my face. Maybe that's what caused the depression? I had no self esteem. 

I remember one day getting on the bus to work and the driver looking at me horrified. I found out later that he worked with my sisters fiancée. He told him that he had seen the most horrendous looking person. Covered i scabs. But was quite pretty underneath.

that was me. 

 

After a few years of seeing dermalogical doctors I got better. But the feeling of being worthless was always there. 

Oh gosh, looking back I realise how stupid I've been. I've clung on to anyone who showed me love. Because I felt so worthless.

i met my daughters father in the wimpy one night after a night out. I was having a chicken burger! Lol

he followed me to the bus stop, and got on my bus, even though it wasn't going in his direction. He sat next to me and I was so embarrassed. I  felt so ashamed. I don't know why. He begged me for my phone number and I gave it to him just to make him go away.mit didn't enter my head to make one up.

he rang me a couple of days later, and I met him after work one night. I thought he was complete idiot. Stupid, full of issues and sad. But I stuck with him. Maybe I felt a kindred spirit?

anyway, fast forward 2 years, by which time I'd had 2 abortions, my dad had apparently disowned me, and I was on my own with a baby. 

When she was 6 months old I got strong. I was working. I went to university aswell. I was studying 24/7 and I realised that her dad was a waste of space. Maybe that was harsh at the time but he's proved it to be true. He picked her up, once, for a 2 hour visit and he was p*ssed. And had 4 mates in his car all smoking dope. At the time I was horrified and disgusted. Oh if only I knew what alcohol would do to me.

I ask all of you to listen to the words of a Depeche Mode song called Blasphemous Rumours. 

For some reason, I think it's about me. 

One day, I will get better, and when that day comes I will be diagnosed with a terminal illness and I will die.

I always have. From the day I heard that song, and listened to the words, when I was about 16 I knew that that was me.

it will happen. I know I have some undiagnosed sickness. I think I have cancer. 

I know I'm being irrational. But I'm not.

i have this 6th sense. 

I always have had.

my friends wil tell you it's true.

i knew, for example, that i would be hit by an arctic lorry.  And I was. Last week.

the lorry came straight through a red light. I was looking at it and thinking please don't me, please don't hit me, please don't me. But it did. 

And I survived. I was bruised and hurt but not dead.

maybe I think I should be dead.

after all those times I tried to kill my self, and it didn't work, this was the best option. I wasn't p*ssed. I hadn't drunk for a month. I should have died but  I didnt. How many lives can I have? Maybe I'm supposed to do something amazing with my life that I don't know about yet?

Hi Liz, just to say, never, ever forget that you are a person of remarkable strength and courage.... you will get through this... ask you GP for more help also the COMMUNITY ALCOHOL SERVICE, they are kind, understanding and really care.... you deserve to have a happy, carefree, stable and look forward to an incredible future ... ( I too am an identical twin, I had a stammer. So I know exactly how you felt xx) I have been lucky, I have found that my speech is vastly improved along with my happiness.. I still have dark days. But I think, I will go to bed and tomorrow it will be better )/

I truly wish you peace, happiness, stability and most of all A FUTURE TO LOOK FORWARD TO.XX YOU DESERVE IT XX... you will be in my thoughts, God bless you and your family, sincere best wishes ..Deirdre xxx

Hi Liz, you already have that strength in you, look what you have overcome... every day.. try to think of something positive that you have done, even if it is only washing up, or having half a drink less... try to do that every day for a week, and all the positive things no matter how small will add up.... just live from day to day, if you have a bad one, okay. You have tomorrow to try again... you must already have so many achievements every single day, you look after, love and care for your children, that is the greatest achievement of all... take some you time, have a treat, a hair cut maybe,? I had my hair cut ultra short and highlights put in it,, it gave me so much more self esteem... put a bit of make up on and a nice outfit... just for YOUXX enjoy the small things in life, we all have bad days, but you can and do so, deserve to turn your life around.... huge, huge, huge hugs to you, never give up giving up ...Deirdre xxx

Hi. I know I'm strong. I can do this. And I will. I'm going to post short messages Because my battery is running out, but also because my fiancée stops me.

 

I watched a prog on tv the other day about auchwitz and Belsen. I am so ashamed,ed to be a human being. How on earth could that be allowed to happen? 

 

The film showed adults, children and babies being thrown into a mass grave.

all were skeletal.

British, American and Russian videod everything. They saw the devastation, the horror. All broke down.

how on earth can we as a human race continue after the horrors of that. How can we live with ourselves. 

So why do I as an individual who means nothing to the world think I deserve help? I am pathetic.

i am so bloody stupid.

maybe that's my problem.

maybe I think I have a purpose in life but I dont