On my tail like white on rice

You make me smile..thank you. First for a long time. Yeah, 20 yrs right, must be awful at reading lol

I hear you, as i hear most people, I am a deep thinker analytical logical sensistive and controlling, a mentalist..all formed from the one thing i never received; a deep seated longing for compassion, nurture and love. Manipulations left me weak, narcissism left distrust and hypervigilance, maladaptiveness is a very tiring process and if I fashioned my own scissors, well goodness knows what I'd have did with them!

You see when a mother carries her child and doesn't want that child her brain activity reduces in Oxytocin (the love serum) which in turn reduces this to the brain of the child.

This has implications for later learning and adaptation. The mother's attitude, if not loving, affects her baby. It is one reason that we cannot be taught to love later on, though we can be taught to behave in a sociable manner. Love is not something to be taught. It is something we learn through our experience.

Therfore i play catch up...trying desperatley to attain something. The brain is a beautiful thing, it can also be your worst enemy. I live with this and accept it as all the meds in the world for me (not for others) will only serve to deny true feeling and true pain to come out of the other side not trying to cover me up or dent who I am anymore, I don't want to function I want to feel.

Though you did make me smile, thank you for that

Fi

We are not so different you and I

I was brought up in the social system I guess that's why I have the view I do about fate

I know what it's like to be suspicious of everyone and everything the self doubt the constant battle with why would I be good enough

I also know what it's like to overthink to question people's motives behind questions to live different lives a work one family one and one to my friends never to intermingle them so I cut the danger level of losing one to another I also know how it feels to have what people say stick in my head and notice the change in stories makes you suspicious of them like they are lying etc

I understand biology you I question what love is does exsist are you all just here to be someone's victim the trust issues you have stem from when your younger years I have them too impossible not to when everyone in the past let you down right? It's hard to have a normal relationship when all you can see and are use to is people walking out on you yes you like to control things of course you do it's the way you protect yourself personally I find myself as lonely as it is I'm better off on my own less stress my head isn't clocking the other person overthinking the what I see as inevitable I've heard it all I pushed them away etc was to cold toward them I'm hard work but you know what for the right person I'll be the best person ever because if never let them down ya know I know how that feels if not wish it on anyone

Your not a bad person you just have deep seated issues trust is something we learn the reason we can't do it is because every time as children we did trust we got hurt you learn though association so yes I guess it's gonna be a long hard slog but ya know you have to do it for the right reasons I'm not at that stage yet I prefer not to take the chance

Not so different at all. Social backgroud, environment etc all have their part to play, outside influences which I guess some are susceptable to. I understand what you say, more than you will know. Or maybe one day I will have not only the respect for another to tell them but the ability to shed the fear and tell everything..until then, as I always do, decline for fear of ramifications. 

I am not going to say sorry, or that's a shame that is way too boring, what I will say is..the core of us...needs. I am a product of never admitting to that, just like you, as if i'm going to tell anyone I need them..yeah right..learned that too from a cold distant parent. Needing is weak, needing is ville, it's attention seeking at it's best..this was what was subtly drummed into me and to accept I was never good enough no matter what my acheivemens were. 

I so understand the cutting the danger level out thing...I did that so many times, relationships, freindships, got bored of the same patterns and chose to be on my own. Though behaviour patterns did not just stem from them, I had a part to play also, I stuffed up so many times, fixing tho never changing anyone, somehow they all wanted to change me and I was silly enough to think , hey if there is a general concensus, they must all be right..right? Wrong. I am allowed to be who I am as I allow others to be who they are. I understand you want left alone, I do too, my trust issues are way to ingrained, hypervigilance tires me, but hey it makes me a great driver lol

Human means fragile, I am fragile we a

Very Nicly put you shouldn't change

I honestly thought for a time I was the only person to remain guarded no matter what I have a friend I've had for twenty years never done anything wrong always been there do I trust him nope weird isn't it like me thinking he's not yet had a good enough motive to betray me doesn't even know where I live lol I know I'm hard work makes sense only to me the things I do when I speak to people I remember the conversation from start to finish it may be months later I ask them about an event if the story isn't the same then instant distrust in mind boggled myself at times like ask why do I do it maybe some kind of vetting of personality I don't know I think you are self reflecting whereas I seem to be comfortable with myself in the most genuine person ever however I'm also hurt easierly so as you said I'd never let anyone know how I feel about them might as well load the gun right lol

Although I understand how my hiding things is superfluous to others it means a lot to me to control what someone knows about me I'm very private I imagine your the same way you see no matter what it is on this site there's always that one person that can relate to it I tried explain it to people Drs etc and just get that blank look bk at me and given Prozac to cope with the self loathing I love going the gym love the attention you get although it's all superficial and on body alone it makes you feel great although not that I'd get involved with anyone once the list subsides they are just still left with the broken version of me not so appealing so I prefer the lustful fantasy I like them to want me but know they will never have it thereby never losing that feeling of being wanted people typically want what they can't have I have made myself that thing they want so we all have our flaws

Change is inevitable..like death and taxes.Tho I'm staying put lol The way we trust is different in each of us. I sadly trust no one. I am not a negative person by na

Not so different at all then well I'm going to sleep now glad I made you smile hahaha I have that effect on people lol gnite peace hope to speak soon

Mike

by nature..I am the fool, the clever one the one that makes everyone laugh and behind the door is a sad individual searching for at least one other to be able to place full trust in. I get the privacy, i holod my privacy very close and gi e little aay, I always trusted when younger and was free spirited a little Bohiem to be honest, laid back no worries, then my brain chnaged, it evolved and understood others who were not like me, initially shocked..i learned very quickly to kepp shhhhhh and tell no one nothing.

I am a very loyal person, very sensitive and very trustworthy I know I am as I've always been this way, difficult when people tell you things that would tell no one yet you just know if you told them, it would be executed in seconds to all around you.

Sel loathing, now that is awful..you say you want people to want you, though you don't want them because of fear...fear is nuerosis is eats at us like maggots. What we look like is now, of no consequence to me, I did the dating thing with suits with no souls, as long as they had an ok looking person across the table they felt good, I felt like screaming and ran as fast as I could away from them. Way more interested in my mind for the 'superflous' nonsense. 

You protect youself just as I do..quite right, if you ae not well enough to be with someone then don't..that's why I got out 

lol yes you did make me smile and that doesn't happen that often. What is it they say...like finds like or finds Mike ha

Sleep well

You've opened up quite a bit there I feel honoured

You see you can trust a little you should be proud of yourself the name of course gives you animosity that being said you still revealed a lot about yourself your not unreachable nor are you not understood sometimes a stranger is the best person to start the journey with I can't hurt you or do anything with what I say disclosed the risk is minimalist I do hope we chat again soon

Mike

Ha yes I've had enough Animosity thanks, predictive text..a phillistine of the written word! 

Hi peter

That's sad to hear someone say that again it's like acceptance Lincoln once said once you familiarise your self with the ties of bondage you prepare your limbs to wear them.

It's a subtle message but I think it applies in most cases if life emotion can be controlled of course it can because emotion comes from a thought process events don't make you happy or sad the thought Process makes the emotion this has been proven it's not easy to do however it is possible to change or control your own thought pattern the thing about depression etc long term or short term is the negative thoughts you have I'm not sure it's fair to make a comparison to Asperger syndrome suffers as this is a disability that's a hard wear problem and has been recognised as such in the U.K.

In cases such as peaces case peace has already confessed a cheerful free minded experience when younger what peace has done has been hurt as a child and instead of accepting it and dealing with it that feeling was so great and painful peace has but up so many barriers to block out feeling that way again peaces fear I think stems from vulnerability peace doesn't want to be in a vulnerable position because peaces experiences of that hurt the problem is that no matter how many barriers peace puts up peace is still vulnerable certain indicators are in the conversation that makes this fact for instance humans are fragile in one instance peace dis-engages themselves not as if to say people peace doesn't use the word we are almost excludeding peace from the equation words are powerful in them are messages peace but up there own barriers to protect themselves the thing we have trouble with isn't feeling it's allowing ourselves to feel taking the plunge and saying if I get hurt I'll deal with it so we run away from anything that'll hurt us that's what I think anyway we over think things look for explanations and try to understand a or blame a route cause when really the route cause is your own thought pattern what you relate to those thoughts if admit controling your thought pattern seems really hard but it is definitely possible

Thank you for that Peter, I agree in respect that acting out and covering up lends to denial that will with time expose and manifest resulting in both physiological and emotional traits incl HFA the list is endless. RAD is another example of unmet needs. Lack of stimuli in the brain induced by lack of nurture and I can understand why you think / feel that nothing will work.

So what is real... the chemical reactions a child has to a mothers smile, a warm hug a loving listening nurturing person. The brain produces more levelled out Oxytocin, and dophamine the issue therein lays with the nurture part..fighting against both chemical and emotional as the brain has been trained at an early stage to moreover reject the happy drug.

Studies show chemical reactions to being on the receiving end of a loving relationship, where once cold feet and hands warm up again to normal levels. Though you are correct, we can never fix the lack of love in childhood, we can identify with it instead of covering it with layers of whatever it is that we do to not feel pain. Pain is to be felt in great quantities sadly before we even begin to feel and even then will we be fixed? So then I ask...where does the need to even try stem from? 

One parent led me a merry dance, the other was the caregiver though an implementer of the other so as not to rock the boat for peace sake.  

So what do we do...do we just roll over and never commit to even thinking that we can produce love in us, even a little to make us feel better? Is that an outward act too? I guess so...

Peace is a woman not a man, though you are perceptive, as outward masculine traits through my words and actions are intrinsically controlling (though quite feminine) the masculine trait was a non realizing solution to win over my father which played a huge role in my life from having motorbikes to driving and skiing way too fast, I'd do anything just to feel something! 

Thank you for provoking a stimuli in me (that was a joke btw) lol

Your well come what's this I read more confidence allowing your gender to be known now this is definitely moving forward

Although in honesty I suspected it with the suits and souls comment the words screamed and run kinda re-enforced it but figured you'd respect allowing a certain degree of ignorance and reveal it at your own pace and time you have my full support whenever you need and probably many more people's on here too hope you are well today

Well there ya go mister...confidence I have in abundance..all fake of course lol I sort of knew you'd get that too the clues were there ha.

You do seem to have the knack of placing a smile on this sad and cold face..you're a clever wee thing aren't you!