ordered by the court to have my home repossessed just 1 hr ago

Sadly being chronicly ill and having been made so ill it affects mmental health os a person doesnt entitle you to not be thrown out of your property.

The best the judge could do was instead of give me and my carer 28 days we have 6 weeks to find alternative accomodation.

Just when Anxiety is becoming easier to manage in my life what this will do to me in the coming days is anyones idea.

I can only do my best to seek all the help and support from all those outside agencys like shelter to give me advice.

But we know how many people are living on the street , its a reality and it may soon be mine and my dear loving freind who is about to start his 3rd year of engineering machics degree.

He will finnish being a student late july.

So we have decided it is for him to worry about his eams and passing them so he can then start full time employment and its up to me to find help

Especially the temp help we are goiung to need to have a despoit and the upfront rent while I am on the higher rate and not a bad rate of Disability at all.

Its gonna be hard seeing how we are going to achieve all this

I need loads of prayers and support I think.

My back is killing me with thwe stress knots right now

Thanks for your kindness and support.

I live in Hope.

We are both not bad nor nasty guys.

But somethimes that doesnt matter to the court either

X

PJ

Gosh I can hardly believe that you are going through all this ontop of everything else, this day and age it is absolutely disgusting to treat a vulnerable person in this way - to throw you out of your safe place when you need it more than ever is just utterly despicable. The only thing I can think of is to speak to Shelter, I'm sure they will be legally obliged to help you and maybe with deposits if you are thinking private landlord route and I know that can be a minefield itself, does your local council have a list of private landlords I wonder I know some do, or how about the local papers for private rentals- it all must be mind blowing for you at the moment ontop of other things you are dealing with its very distressing for you. I tend to have more faith in Shelter to help you in reality other than private landlords to be honest, could you find strength to co tact them when you feel able as you need time to take all this in and get your head round the situation so to speak - once the reality of it really sinks in then you can the first step to moving forward with this, if you talk to them then hopefully they can guide you in the right direction and get things moving forward and start to put all this behind you - slowly things will then start to be more positive and all this will be in the last, minute by minute all this will be moving behind you and you move forward to a more positive future, I really hope for the best for you now - perhaps if you feel ready tomorrow you could make a call before the weekend and talk to someone who can perhaps give you more hope and guidance in how to deal with this - you can't do this on your own you need back up, support and help and I'm sure it's out there for you Ozzie, - thinking of you 😉

Lou you are a blessing mate and are so right about Shelter

I am registered with them and of course I will do everything that is pyhsically possible to not be left on the streets in my needs .

My flat mate and soul mate /freind is about to do his 3rd year final exams so this is just not good news for either of us.

We do need to find a new home .

if you hear anything do let ius know or know of any other organisations .

essentially I am going to have to find 6 weeks deposit, agent fees and then a months rent in advance

My head is spinning.

LOL

loads of muscle spasm right now in my back

am going to lay down for a few hours

I am sure I will be back .

Thanks

Hugs

PJ

Ozzie don't think about deposits and heavy rentals right now, it's just too much to deal with at the moment ok - first things first you need to rest, so 7 seconds of breathing in and 5 seconds out which will help you relax, try to free your mind and body of all this stress - try to sleep and tell yourself there is help out there, and then tomorrow if you feel able contact Shelter and go from there........... Peace be with you, speak soon 💤

Lou

I am hearing and going to act on all your advice

, my siste just phoned from Australia , I am going back to bed.]

I will start with my breathing and as I exhale I will allow all those emotional toxins to leave my body with each breath,

I will not think about rents and deposits I will only look at the posative side of things and feel the peace I am about to find in what will be a new home out there for me.

Away from what has been my prison and living hell for 4 long years.

I thanks you for spending your precious time and emotion on my needs right now

When I am sure you have several of your own.

but as I have said before in here something we are in here for different reasons.

And my reasons are to find hope and strength from others at this time and to see that Hope is still with me .

And you have again blessed me more than I could ask or expect.

Thanks

PJ

speak tomorrow hopefully

 

no chance to appeal whatsoever

which is not what I was told we may do if things were to turn out like this

I have to find new strength and turn back to the suuport agencies that have been linked in to my health and housing issues

The justice system can be unfair and cruel.

Its shocking and I am not really taking it all in right now

X

Thanks for your response Elizabeth

I wrote a bit above to Lou 86.

My elderly parents  will be told tonight

They will be feeling very helpless I know them too well .

XXX

Hope is with me.

If you are made homeless, don't the council hsve an obligation to find you somewhere to live? I'm not sure - ask citizens advice. Then speak to the council. Despite the stress of the situation you are in, try to stay calm when talking to them - the people are doing their best, but have rules they have to work to. This is often frustrating, however try to view it as a puzzle you are trying to work out with their help. Hope it works out ok.

Thanks Barbara for your comments and desire to give us some direction.

we learned through the barrister that we could actually have problems being housed by the Council and it should be a lst resort.

I am going to speak to a number of Housing Organisations and the disabilities rights organizations , Ill be speaking to the HIV organizations and anyone else I can.

I am not the type to lay down and die.

Its hard to come to terms with and unfair how the court case was dealt with , there is nothing we can do to save our home no matter if I am unwell or not.

Sometimes we know that the las is an ass unto itself.

there were so many things we were denied talking about and at the end of the day the decision was made.

We remain in shock of course.

Losing your home is not something any of us can take lightly.

I am terrified ,lol

But then again its been 4 years of hell in a flat that has never been a home from day one when the neighbor began to interfere in our lives.

No matter what was said the truth was not accepted and those that ganged up on us who lied and now have exactly what they wanted leaves me cold .

I felt so sad for my best mate and carer he is showing signs of real stress and shock.

Its paralyzes your body.

I feel the knots and pain all over my back.

But again , its got to be sorted and someone has to take the rains .

I live and stand upright in Hope.

X

PJ

Morning Ozzie, hope you managed to get some rest through the night- was up myself until way past two am ( health anxiety ) and was looking for help for you - keep coming back to Shelter as your best bet although you probably know that, it looks like they can offer the best help above other organisations, the caravan or mobile home idea is good as well, sometimes on mobile home parks the site owner rents them out, not everybody can buy - is there any parks close to you that you could maybe ask about, failing that then contact Shelter asap. Today is another day Ozzie but not just another stressful day turn it into another positive day with maybe some hopeful results - yesterday is now in the past, good luck today 😉

How's things Ozzie ? 😏

having a pretty rough time mate

will try to keep myself together.

PJ

Oh no - guessing you've had a rough day, so sorry . Hope tomorrow is better.

Lou thats ok 

I am sure you know what rough is like.

its a tremmendous that your thoughts are constantly with us here.

My mate is suffering more than I am right now.

he is unable to sleep or rest, he needs to study , he is shoung signs of anxiety and has ulcers in his mouth so he is in pain to, all I can do is encourage him to tell all those negative thoughts in his head to leave and to replace them with the Hope That I am sticking to right now

We told 2 of our good neighbors what has happened and they are also shocked and upset for us.

Its going to take effort and time to establish what our optons are for housing.

Thanks again mate

PJ

 

No Ozzie compared to what you are going through right now I have no idea what rough is, yes I've had some crap thrown at me in my time, spent my whole life looking for my father who deserted me when I was four, found him two years ago - he used me for everything he could and I was just used by him, he was lucky I found him as he was dying, he had cancer and I watched him die as I held his hand - it screwed me up big time, found out things after his death that were not nice, made me very ill, i ended up in hospital having a very big operation that I swear was caused by stress - found out so many things about my abandonment that were so awful lets just say he was not the "wonderful hero" i imagined he would be - it's a long boring story but its left me with health anxiety and panic attacks amongst other things but even through all this I still say I am a lucky person, I'm alive and still here, and so are you Ozzie, I know it doesn't help you me saying that, but what I mean is that whatever crap life throws at us life is still a precious gift and we must fight to survive, we are here for a reason and I do believe things will get better - you have a future and all this will get sorted, I thought I would never survive but I have and yes it's hard but we must go on as we must believe for a better tomorrow- I am sad you are suffering and I have no idea how you are feeling right now I can try to imagine, but would never judge or patronise anyone just feel their sadness and help them believe there is a better tomorrow there really truly is. Be strong friend.

Dear Lou

Thank you again for caring and in particular sharing some of your story.

As i was reading it I began to feel my heart drop and am still shaking at the sadness of it all.

The only miricle was you found your dad and you sat with him and held his hand while he fell asleep forever, that to me is so amazing.

No matter how rotten he was and what he had done, in what you did was incredible and leaves me speechless, having had that privelege myself more than 200 times sitting with the dying as they pass from this life into the next is a very beautiful moment.

In your act , you showed humanity at its best , and that says so much more about who u are , and now I understand where your compassion for others comes from.

May I say that just late last year my mother sent me a letter , our relationship had been majorly scared for several years and there had been a lot of conflict.

The letter she sent me explained to me that during her pregnancy of carrying me , she never had a day in the 9 months where she didnt resent having me, she did not want me she explained in her letter , she was very angry at my father for him making her pregnant again and she went through her 9 months carrying me also very angy at him.

She felt somewhat responsible over all these years as she had seen me suffer through out my life with deoression and now years later with this severe anxiety, she wanted to say how she felt responsible after all these years for shat she had seen me as a child ,and teeenager go through.

By the time I was 19 I was so lost and confussed in my life I ran away from Australia and came over here .

I have not had much time to sought out my feelings about why suddenly my moter decides to write to me and tell me all this.

Its been shelved with all my other issues.

But what I can say is i hear and feel your pain, its not much different to mine and its obvious this is why we have so much compassion and time for others in pain today.

I need a cuppa as I just woke up here

Your messga ewas compelling to me.

Your amazing and yes you have been dished out so much like me.

You truly do have the capacity to understand me.

Thanks

PJ

Hello Ozzie,  I have just read your conversation between yourself and Lou and I am so shocked that your mother wrote you that letter.  No matter how your mother felt about her pregnancy and her child she should never have written them feelings to you.  How insensitive of her.  How do you feel knowing how she felt?  That would surely screw anybody's life, shame on her. 

Thou my father was similar in the things he said to me growing up such as " You should never have been born " I go through life remembering such hurtful comments and awful physical and mental and emotional abuse, it screwed me up big time. 

You are a better person and full of compassion for ohers and i know because of our own struggles we are strengthened.  I am sad i didn't have a good childhood, we were neglected and lived in the most vile filth imaginable and unloved, but do you know what i survived, i am still here, i care for others, thou i am sensitive and hurt easily.

Bless you my friend.

Elizabeth.

 

Hello Lou,  I have just read your post to Ozzie,  I am sorry about what hapened to you with your father.  You are a loving person for doing what you did.  I also sat with my dying father till he took his last breath on this earth and told him i forgive you and i wasn't a christian then. I am now and so glad that i did. We as children suffered immense abuse, physical, mental and emotional. To be told " You will never be any good, nobody will ever love you, your B......s, dilinquents, should never have been born " and so forth. I forgave him and it was the hardest thing i had ever done at the time, and to hold his hand was even harder. My siblings didn't want to be there, i didn't want my father to die alone and be unforgiven. I had counselling afterwards and i felt release from such an oppressive childhood. 

I believe we are better people for what we go through and the help and compassion we share with each other especially on this forum is testimony to that.

Best wishes.

Elizabeth.

Dear Elizabeth;

Let me start by saying you are an Exceptional and Unique Woman.

So deserving of any of us to have a full and proseperous life.

If i could hand that to you on a plate I surely would.

I cant but I know Someone much Bigger than I that can..

You have lived a hard life, and went through a childhood not knowing what love is.

Yet your immense self shows all of us in here the Incredible journey you took to overcome all that you had known in your life and turn it all around even to the point where forgivness played a key role at the time your father who was so brutal towards you that you returned to him at the time that he was to die.

I can only begin what this did to him inside as you sat there in those final hours by this man , I can only hope and pray he was saturated in remorse for all that self hatred and anger he took out and directed towards everyone else and as men have dont through the century blamed the world but would not deal with his own issues.

It would certainly be no surprise if he were to admit he himself went through child abuse and instead of dealing with all these issues he carried it through into his marriage and acted in a cruel and horrific way towards those he was supposed to love and protect.

What an angry man.

But these are the days of our lives , and there are so many of us out here that have suffered abuse at a shocking level from our mums and our dads or other siblings.

Your a AMAZING and a loving person that stands out like a shining beacon to a angry , aggressive and hateful world .

You prove again that Love can always win over hatred and pain we infict upon each other.

Your an Insiration to us all.

I wanted to then mention about what you said regarding the letter i was handed from my mother.

I went out to australia very quickly as my life here felt like it was about to end, i packed the house contents up and I said goodbye to my friend here , I was wheel chaired across the oceans till i got out there.

I spent 3 different occassions there in hopsital and recieved amazing care that went far beyond what the NHS could ever provide these days .

It was through this period that I found myself wanting to see my family . and slowly the contact began , not a lot just in small ways.

And this letter was somethign my mum had told me about in a phone conversation while I was in hospital I think.

I eventually got the letter and read it.

As back then to today I am still baffled as to why now ?

And I am still baffled as to how a letter like this can benefit me.

I have been through stages in my life where I felt my mother had betrayed me , I cant say intentionally but where I was taken back to my childhood at those times where I felt so abandoned and left alone to worry and fret as a child.

This is the beginning of my cycle that has lasted a lifetime of worry and which has turned to anxiety at such an immense level its hard to control today.

Saying all this I keep an open mind , I have not raised this letter for some time as I literally have had so many other issues to deal with.

It is hard to know whether I should be angry, whether I should feel again hurt or whether I should indeed just let it all go as life is too short, my mum is 80 now i think and I am 54.

It maybe something that will creep back into my mind in the near or latter future.

I just sit with this knowlege I have been told and really dont know how to deal with it nor what to say or how to react.

I need this time in my relationships to have a 2 way open door to lean on for support.

Not sympathy but support when I am myself so ovewhelmed.

Thank you for your thoughts as all of this helps to put the issue of me and my relationships of those most close (but most far from me ) are what is important to me at this stage in my life.

I am tired of fighting and arguing and being in confrontation.

I strive for peace inside.

Finally Isnt Lou just as Incredible.

What a guy we have here to seek advice and encouragment , and to rely on to help us put eveything into true perspective .

As we help rach other we have the potential to grow and to learn .

We are all here for each other, being empowered and even to the extreme where we can sit with those that said they hated us from birth and we can actually be so mepowered by the Love we have found in our lives that we can even admit to ourselves and tell those that hurt us most that we forgive them.

This site is a joy and inspiration and that is because of those like you and Lou that offer so so much to others like me.

Thanks Elizabeth and Lou.

If there is ever something I can do to help you Elizabeth having had years of experience caring for sick people and those who face the ending of thier lives.

I am certainly reliable to say I am here for you .

Even if it meant a morning tea at ours.

Hugs

PJ in London

Ulcers in mouth - is he anaemic? A quick blood test will tell.

Sorry to hear what you are going through (and Lou and Elizabeth).

In response to your question 'how can my mother's letter benefit me' & 'why did she write it?' and 'why now?' I have a question to you - 'after everything you've been through with your mother, do you really think she was writing to benefit you?'  It sounds like she wrote it because it would help her, not even considering the impact it would have on you. Personally I would burn it (not just bin it) - I would need to see it going up in flames (safely, outdoors!) You really could do without anything extra.

Thanks Barbara for your response to what you read in the conversation here.

I do agree with what you said in how it would benefit my mother , that I see as making sense.

Whether it was written in way to hurt me I doubt this.

As It more appeared a way in which my mother thought it may benefit me and help me to fully understand where i came from and the circumstances.

I believe my mother loves me but I also know there have been times that what she has said to me have been pretty strange and cruel, and on some occassions I found myself reacting angrlity towards her and the end result was a broken relationship that sat dorman which didnt take the pain away that I had felt for so long.

I would never deny that I was not perfect and had infact made some terrible errors in my life and could not understand my behavior and these issues I have sought to understand why I had become like that.

Now I know what led me to go astray in my life .

I have been so unwell over the psat years I wanted to abandon all my anger, bitterness and pain for the sake of finding peace inside me.

Its not easy to turn back and become all angry again and bitter in my heart.

The letter is something I have not put a great deal of thought into over recent months .

And even now I am overwhelmed with my issues especially my housing needs.

I am scared I will become so unwell I wont be able to help myself with my houysing needs and I will be sitting out on the street next to the homeless young man I have been doing what I can for him over the past 12 months.

The only difference I see between me and this homeless man is i still have the will power and some enrgy to not have this happen to me and my carer/best freind.

I need to pull all my emotional respoorces into those needs I have today and everything else must go on hold.

Hugs

PJ

that is an interesting question

And something to consider

thanks for mentioning this

PJ

Dear Elizabeth so sorry for late reply had to go and see family - sounds like you also have had such a rotten time as well, it's amazing that we find strenghth to forgive despite all that has happened in our lives. I gave my father so many opportunities to open up to me and maybe say sorry - he never did and now I feel maybe he felt guilt and he just couldn't face it in the end, I console myself in the fact that I found him even though such sad circumstances- I have since found out that between my mother marrying him and having me there were other marriages that he never told me about. And now im wondering if there are more children, brothers and sisters I don't k ow about, where I go with this I just don't know - this is what happens with secrets and lies, it leaves you mixed up and co fused about your own life, but still we fight on, I really hope you are ok xx

Thank you for the lovely reply Ozzie.  About my father maybe he did suffer abuse as a child i don't know as there is nobody from that time is alive to ask.  I have thought about this on many occassions and his father, my granddad was very strict and i think my father was brought up by him. My grandad was divorced from my grandma as she had an affair and had two more children.  My father hated his mother for that and he was abandoned by her, perhaps at at a young age.  I also believe i reminded him of his mother in looks, so therefore he took his anger and pain out on me more than my siblings.  My father would literally turn his back on me whenever i entered the room and face the wall, he couldn't look at me. One day when i went to see him as i did sometimes to try and sort things out and try to get answers, he answered the door and said who are you, i said it's your daughter, his reply was i have no daughters, yet he had two.  Rejection has been a running theme all through my life.  My husband commited suicide when i was 29 and leaving me with 2 young girls to bring up.  We lost our home due to not being able to pay the mortgage and the house was damp and needing a lot doing to it of which i could not afford. 

I am so grateful for this forum and the lovely people such as yourself and Lou especially that can show empathy inspite of our own childhoods and rejections from the very people who should of protected us, our parents. My mother bless her soul was disabled and was as much a victim and powerless as we were.  I am a survivor now.

You too are a survivor Ozzie and a unique person.  

The Lord died for you and me and took our sins and pains to the cross.  He never said that we would not be troubled.  He was persecuted and rejected too.  I hope that you can find the strenght to pray for your situation as i will too. Bless you.

Love and hugs to you Elizabeth.

Thank you Lou for your reply. Secret and lies certainly cause problems in peoples lives.  I hope that whatever you decide to do as regards finding any brothers or sisters that you give it great thought.  This could open up a can of worms or it could be the best thing.  You would have to be prepared for rejection again just incase you are not accepted.  

I do beleive your father did feel guilt about abandoning you.  Guilt thou causes so much pain for those they have wronged.  I hope you can find peace in your life.

Sending love Elizabeth. 

Dear Elizabeth, It is a privledge to be at the opposite end of the discussions in here and to hear others real life issues.

It is in the sharing that we find healing that relieves us little by little.

Your faith in the Lord is awesome and provides comfort and certainly helps others like it helps me to realign my thought pattern and to stop me from falling inwards.

This forum thanks to people like yourself makes me stronger and more determined than ever to overcome every obstacle that comes in my way.

There will be more times ahead that are overwhelming and make me feel more pain but as I learn and take heed of what others can teach me I can definetely find myself with extra tools to win through each battle as it arises.

I strongly believe that I am but a mere man, and there is a Mighty God that created me in His image that loves me with a love that I cannot humanly comprehend ever in a life time.

And when I am so weak he has provided me with an escape route which I find when I sit at His beloved feet at the base of the Cross of calavary where he suffered , where he was mocked , and where he hung on the cross and bled every drop of blood for me .

Then as I ponder such immense love and am immersed in what he provides me at the foot of the cross he raises me up onto my feet.

he gives me wings to fly like an eagle and to conquer every force that tries to come against me.

all those things that try to infest my mind.

He ensures me that I belong to Him and He knows every hair on my head and that nothing , but nothing can touch me as He assures me that I belong to Him.

My faith has grown in the past 2 years, it is something I walked away from some years back having been brought up in a pentecostal environment and having spent 3 years of my life in an International Bible College in Denmark , 23,000 miles from my home town of Melbourne ,Australia.

I came to London from college with literally a bag on my back and started from nothing.

I met someone special at the age of 27 and 6 months later in 1988 discovered I had something called HIV , I had heard only little bits about this.

There were reasons why I lost my faith not totally in God but more man.

The let down and rejection was what drove me a million miles for the Church.

But over the years I know that God Himself has always had His mighty hand on my life and has got me through 100 lives and I am still here today to tell the story while many many that I knew and got to love were robbed so young of thier lives.

I remain.

Your Father was a man who alos lost his way in life, I can see from what you say he was let down so badly by those that were supposed to protect him and teach him.

He learned nothing but hatred and misery to no end.

And he carried this through out his entire life righ to the end.

as we know men can be this way as they can never show any sign of human weakness for fear of displaying a side of themselves and have thier peers talk about them.

Its a sad fact and the result is that cycle was not broken in your lchildhood and he went on to hurt you bitterly .

Slef loathing and hatred will never end unless it is halted by the effected person.

We can both look back into our lives and now be grateful that we dont have to continue that same pattern and are given a real chance to use what we know and turn it into compassion and real regard for the person next to us.

We dont have to go through a lifetime accepting all that pain that was inflicted upon us.

It is gone through the mighty power of jesus name .

Suicide is a horrible and difficult subject, It is rampant in my fathers side of the family, 2 of my beautiful cousins here in the UK have both lost thier husbands to suicide.

And recently my male cousing a brilliant man in his feild of being a rare stamp dealer , probably the best in the world he too took his life 3 years back,

Losing your partner to suicide is hard and so painful.

My loving partner of 5 years who was everything I had always wanted in a loving relationship dropped dead aged 39 in front of me without any warning.

One minute he was laughing the next he is dead in my arms.

In saying all this to you and higlighting and also reinforcing a lot of what you said.

it is without a doubt we are blessed and covered in Rightesness and are empowered when we look above and over all those things that surround us.

We are convered by the Master of life Himself.

Bless you 

PJ

 

I can only agree with every word Elizabeth has shared with you Lou.

Not only did he feel guilty about abandoning you his son he sadly allowed it to eat into his soul and make him a very bitter man throughout his life.

May you know what love is today and may you find every aspect of real love as you experience the truth .

It is when we find the truth and meaning to our lives we open up that can of worms that has no ending to finding what being complete is wholly about.

You Lou , Elizabeth and others including myself are all on this journey.

And what a joy it is to be able to open up without shame , without rebuke and tell it as it is for us.

healing is a joy to experience and finding real freedom in our lives and having a real sense of personal value makes it all worth while today.

Hugs

PJ

Morning Ozzie,  I hope today you have a renewed strength to continue to find a home for yourself and your friend and carer. Thank you for your reply and i do beleive that we whom have been hurt and abused can come through as better people. Many people have said to me how  come your not bitter and angry about your past. What would that acheive and i would never take my issues out on anybody. Instead i suffered and turned it inwards, which is why i suffered depression.  Over the years i had counselling and talking therapies which helped me to come to terms with what happened to me and know that i was not to blame for other peoples actions or choices that impacted on my life.

Faith in man will always let us down because we are all human and have all failed, we are all sinners but our Lord loves us and each day he gives us renewed strength and his love never fails. I pray that the lord will give you a better home than the one that you are forced to leave, thou to you now it is a house not a home, because you have no peace there.  Keep faith that something better is going to turn up.  

Sending love.   

Dear Elizabeth I hope you are well today, thank you for your very kind words, we are similar in the fact that we faced abandonment and cruelty on different levels from our fathers - my father was never around as I said and the impact he made on my life he never made right and I am still angry about that, in fact I believe I let him off lightly for what he did to my mother, I never had the strength to ask him "why" and I gave him so many opportunities to put things right before he died. While he was living a very nice life with his new wife who he was with when I met him and his adopted daughter he never once considered or even asked about my life or things I'd done in my life, he was selfish - selfish because he was dying and he wanted me to feel sad and sorry for him in his final months - I have two grown up daughters with children of their own, time and time again I tried to get him to meet his beautiful grandchildren and great grandchildren but he was too wrapped up in his own self pity, this has left much hatred I'm afraid that I am struggling to let go of, his adopted daughter hated me from the start , I think k she was scared I was after his money and wealth, she told me I was a money grabbing b...h , well it was never about money, I never wanted a penny I just wanted my dad - after the funeral the wife threw his ashes in the garden to be spiteful to me and my children so that we have nowhere to go to talk to him, nowhere for my grandchildren to go in the future, no headstone, no memorial no nothing - she no longer wants co tact with me and has made that quite clear, so it's like I never existed and I was obviously the wicked daughter that intruded on their lives - to be absoloutley honest I am very angry and bitter about the whole thing, for my children really more than myself - by the way the adopted daughter was left a house and lots and lots of money!  I got nothing but I NEVER wanted anything from him it really was never about that, I guess I have to finally face the fact that he never wanted me, I was just a bothersome problem that turned up to nurse him and be used before he died, and I feel sick about the whole thing- one more thing to add, in this year that I knew him I got very ill and had a very large operation five hour surgery in fact, I didn't get so much as a fone call or get well card from him all he wanted was to know was when I would be well enough to care for him again, and as soon as I was able I did !!!  this is so hard for me to get over all this, how can someone be so hateful and cruel, I wish I could let this go xx

Hello Lou,  I don't know how long ago it was since your father died, but i know with my own father i forgave him first on his death bed and then started the process of recovery.  If we don't forgive others we cannot move forward as it is in your case, your still angry and anger creates bitterness. Our father in heaven forgives us of our sins so therefore we should forgive those that have sinned against us.  I know this is not easy because you wer abandoned as a child by your father.  It was hurtful to then find your father and you then felt used when caring for him whilst he was dying. I can understand that.  Have you ever had counselling or talking therapies?  I have had counselling and talking therapies and found it helped me to come to terms with my past.  I cannot forget the things that happened to me but i know that i was not too blame.  It was my father's problems and insecurities that was deflected onto me and i cannot change that. I do still think of the past and still get upset and angry, that is natural because we cannot wipe our bad memories away. I do believe that forgiveness is the way forward.  I hope you can do this in time and start the road to recovery.  Then you can concentrate on the things that matter now in your life such as your children and grandchildren and of course yourself.  Why spend your whole life eaten up with bitterness and anger.  I spent many years like that until i found peace in myself.  I was a victim but now i am a surviver.  I hope one day you can see it that way too.  

Sending love Elizabeth. 

Hello again and thank you so much for your wise words, I know you are right - no I haven't t had counselling maybe I should, dad died last May and maybe it's because it's the anniversary that brings everything back, I know I have to let go and forgive as you have and I k ow it's the right thing to do. I am thankful for my children and grandchildren and I love them so much just couldn't understand why he couldn't. Hanging on to bitterness eats us up and makes us I'll, I will do my very best to let go. I hope you are well and thank you, big hugs xx

Dear Elizabeth, I am so sad that you have had much sadness but am also glad that you have found prace now, I have truly taken your words on board and re read them over again and it all makes sense, I have to apologise deeply for burdening you I truly am, please forgive my selfishness- I will pray  to be a better person, love Lou xx

hoping you are ok Ozzie, thinking about you and hope your day was more hopeful, Lou.

Thanks again Lou

Its been a strange day , as I just ran out of energy and stayed in bed resting all day, thats a day lost that I cannot afford.

Its hard to know who to turn to thats right for our needs and to keep it all together.

Its a burden I could do without , but there is no choice but to keep myself especially my head together.

there is no time to cry, no time for anxiety to set in and particually no time to get sick and be admitted into hospital.

I am a little run down already I think.

Thanks for asking , Elizabeth is awesome.

We are blessed to all have each others support here .

Thanks and Hugs mate

PJ

Hello Lou,  you are not selfish and your not burdening me at all.  I am happy to help you.  We cannot know all the answers as to why ours fathers were cruel to us. I have unanswerd questions and will never know the answers.  I tried to ask him on numerous ocassions but he always reacted with anger and denial. The rejection i felt growing up was intolerable.  At aged 14 i put myself in voluntary care after my father beat me up in front of my best friend in her garden. To this day she remembers the horror of my brutal father dragging me and kicking me and shouting that he wanted to cripple me.  I cannot change the past, but we can choose how we deal with it.  I did a RSA in counselling skills and you learn about yourself. The basis of my course was my father. Take care and anytime you want to talk i am here to listen. 

 

Love Elizabeth xx

 

You  truly and a most inspiring , unique and amazing lady.

With so much to give and oozing with love and compassion for those out here that are in pain and unloved.

Elizabeth your a very RARE and most vuluable DIAMOND that is priceless to us all.

Hugs

PJ

 

Thank you Ozzie for your kind words.  I talk from my own experiences and try to reach out to others whom are struggling and neediing someone to understand.  I try to be empathic and put myself in their shoes.  I am honest and genuine and i am naturally a caring person.  You too are a compassionate person. Inspite of your own situation you still write to and care for others. Even thou i live in the Midlands and we are in effect strangers i feel like i know you as a friend, you are a friend on here at least.  I am still praying for your situation and am sending my Love to you.  Elizabeth. xx     

Hi again Elizabeth.

Its the end of another day here.

I spent most of the day sleeping, my body must of been tired and needed the rest.

My freind and I are now realizing we may have to leave London in our search for a new home to live.

I have wanted to move out of London since I came down with anxiety as where we have lived for almost 4 years is literally 100 yds from the very busy Fulham Road.

There are too many issues to deal with like the noise of traffic specially emergency vehicles as we live btween 2 major hospitals here.

We are right by the Cheslea Foot ball staduim which entails an extra 40,000 fans on the street on match days.

And I cant stand the noise of a bus or lorry .

Even a screaming child gets to me.

So the thought of moving out of London to me is something I am seriuosly wanting to do and as my mate is about to be seeking a motor mecahics job in Augast after a 3 year degree he is to complete , he too may have to be well prepared to find full time work outside of the Capital too.

I have never really got to know the north of England, like Manchester ,Liverpool, Birmingham or where you are in the Midlands.

I only have travelled mainly in the south of england in devon and cornwall.

I have just discovered the city of Cantebury in Kent and loved it there.

We are having to be open to anything at this stage really.

I would be most happy to pack up and leave the UK and live in the south of Spain like Malaga , where I spent 6 weeks 18 months ago while very unwell.

Malaga gave me my life back in many ways.

I adored my recovery time there

I'd be happy to live in Holland or Belguim too.

Europe is my true love .

I was working in the Travel and Tour Industry for several years and my true passion has always been centered around travelling the world .

But my heart always returns to Europe.

I miss my elderly parents terribly and I have 3 sister siblings , with multiple neices and nephews and then even great neices and nephews all around melbourne and also in Sacremento , West Coast of USA.

I have extensively travelled USA and love to be out there meeting people of all walks of life.

So to me moving out of London is not a big deal at all.

I would be so happy living in a Mobile Home for the rest of my life.

To me home is where the heart is .

And my home life has always bee immensely important to me.

Finding myself in this situation for the first time in my life is just unimagionable right now

I dont have time to ask why or how this has come to be this way.

All i have time for is to make things right .

I am well aware I face the serious risk of becoming so unwell with my health as being in Hospital has become a permanent way of life for me over the past 4 years.

But even this cannot be allowed to happen.

Its a home we need.

Once i achieve this goal I can then allow my body to crash if it has too and then i can get sick.

Life really is a challenge sometimes.

Its when things get tough , the tough in us needs to get moving .

faith and hope rest on my shoulders and u never know we may end up closer than we know in the coming weeks.

It would be awesome to meet some of the amazing people in here personally in time.

Hugs and Good night

PJ

 

Dear Elizabeth, you are truly a remarkable unique person, all that you have been through must have been intolerable to bear at times, and yet you still have such compassion for others. What your father did to you makes me feel physically sick - how you ever forgave him shows the amazing person you are. I thank you for being there for me, Ozzie and all the others you have reached out to despite your own pain, what more can I say, you deserve every happiness and peace in your life, your words of caring and compassion will not be forgotten. Love Lou xx

Dear Ozzie, I cannot imagine for one second how you are struggling right now, I am so sad things have turned out this way - but I can see you are a fighter, and yes maybe moving out of London may be a good thing for you right now, as you say the noise must be intolerable, you need a peaceful environment to regain your strength and start again - there are some wonderful areas in this country, Devon or Cornwall have some wonderful areas of calmness or maybe abroad as you said, you can go anywhere you feel you need to be happy - maybe the sun would be good for your health, a new beginning is just what you need, it's surprising with a little sun can make the world of difference to how we feel. I truly hope you have a better day today - I have to go to work now and it's the last thing I feel like doing but I'm self employed so no work no money! wishing you a better day Ozzie, keep strong and positive and catch up soon, Lou.

Thanks so much Lou for your response this morning

I am really tired tonight and will be heading to bed very soon.

Its been a ok day.

I have had a couple of responses for a new home , and am waiting to get info on both of them tonight

Hope you day at work was rewarding mate.

PJ

 

Hello Ozzie, yes you must rest and relax your body and mind. That's positive news maybe regarding a new home, I truly hope it works out - maybe London not so great regarding pollution levels which is obviously bad for you, maybe out of the city would be better for you. I hope you manage to get some peaceful sleep and the noise doesn't disturb your much needed rest this evening - would you let me know if there is any news but only when you feel able to please, lots of us care about your situation and want happy things for you, you deserve much peace and calm in your life with less stress, take care Ozzie and thanks so much for reply just can't imagine how you feel right now - we are all here whenever you need us, hugs and calm thoughts Lou .

Thanks Again Lou.

Havent even been told where both properties are based, they could well be scams , I am very aware of the many scams that are out there wehn it comes to renting property.

I will take things very cautiously .

I will let you know as news comes in.

Have a calm , and wonderful evening mate.

Speak tomorrow.

PJ

 

Hi Ozzie, hope you are feeling better today and maybe had some positive news - all the very best Lou.

Hi Lou

Thanks again mate for your message recieved just now.

To be honest with you I dfont feel I am coping to well and this is beginning to show some cracks in my physical wel being.

I have not been feeling terribly well for 2 days now and am staying in bed unless I have to do something important.

Like just now I am home from the C.A.B for an appointment about debt, but while there my breathing became quite laboured and I felt very weak and the man who was dealing with me saw this.

Even though he was very helpful he was able to confirm my own intuition anyway and said to me my debts are not the priority right now, rather finding a new home is.

I couldnt agree more.

But the worry and stress is starting to get the best of me and I am starting to show some not good physical symptoms and I am having pain from swelling again in my groin which is accute Lymphoedema and it becomes unbearable to the point I may reuire another hospital admission .

I see the consultant at my hospital tomorrow.

I am exhausted after writing these few lines my true and most awesome new freind and will need to make my way back to my bed.

I will return to my pc in a few hours.

Hugs

PJ

Oh Ozzie I am so sorry you are feeling so poorly, you must be overwhelmed with the whole thing. First things first you need to get to your appointment tomorrow, I hope someone is accompanying you and you are not having to face this on your own, if you need hospital treatment and be admitted then you have to trust their knowledge and get yourself well so that you can face the other things one by one - the man you saw today was absoloutley right your debts are not priority that can wait whilst your health can't and it must take priority above all else - do you have any good friends or family close by that you can ask for help, I hope so . Ozzie I'm sure things will get better but it's baby steps all the way you do have a massive amount to cope with and it may seem overwhelming right now, but there is nothing that can't be sorted in time, keep strong and like I say one step at a time, see your consultant and take it from there, I am really sorry and hope for better things to come for you, rest now and try to free your mind if you can, we are all here on this forum for you, Lou.😉

Thanks Lou

the phone rang and I had to get out of bed to answer it so I have seen your response and most thoughtful words of encouragement

Thanks again

PJ

Dear Ozzie - shame you had to get up to the phone how annoying when you need to rest, speak to you when you ha e some much needed rest and head space, take some time out Ozzie and free your mind for a while if you can Lou 😉