Posted , 8 users are following.


its a bit a rant really I have the worst day ever too messed up to go into.

There have been people in my life that if it wasn’t for their actions I wouldn’t be so messed up I’m sure. There’s  lots  of people out there that would be the same of course I am not the only one.

we mind our own business but things that happen we are not able to control.

the two men in my life let me down in such bad ways m6 Dad well he is no Dad of mine he did something so bad that forgiveness is no5 an option. I have not got  night terrors because of his actions.

i loved him so much ive lost him.

 My husband well he had affairs and he was abusive a lot more in between.

so then I thought about an incident when I was 14 that was not my fault, so why do I think  it’ is? 

So as my life’s gone on ive had shock after shock not my doing but oh how it’s affected me all these things.

Having the pan of what others inflicted on me is burning me Out

why can’t people think of what they do before they do it ??

confused sad crying.

try8ng to make sense of things that I can’t ge5 answers I can’t.

i feel completely tormented.

i have also found out another massive shock a family secret only 3 know and it’s weighing heavy on me to speak up.

sorry for the rant

vicky xx

6 likes, 30 replies

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30 Replies

  • Posted

    Vicky, I can relate to you, and I wonder if you might have the same condition I have recently been diagnosed with. It's called 'complex trauma'. I am just at the very start of getting help for this and my anxiety/depression and all my other mental and physical/health problems likely stem from this condition. It is a form of PTSD. If this has not been mentioned to you already I think it is worth you googling just to see if you identify.

    Tormented  - that's exactly how I feel too. 

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    • Posted

      Hi there,

      thank you for your reply it means a lot to me.

      so sorry to hear you too feel tormented.

      i am sure I’ve got PTSD. I have a self help book! Not working.

      I have been waiting for a CPN for 14 months now, trying to keep it all in is a living hell.

      i desperately need help I know this, I am 40 now I need to talk  to someone and meds looking at.

      Definitely think I have had 3 major shocks in my life.... it’s got to the point I’ve no fight in me now.

      i hope your help is of benefit to you!!🙂


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    • Posted

      Vicky, I'm in my 40s now too, and it's exactly like you said...I haven't any fight left either. I am dragging myself from one day to the next, and at times (most days) I honestly feel like giving up. I have lost count of the times when I've been told I have lost motivation, or just need to do this or that etc. Seriously, they have no idea how crushing that is when I already have no energy reserves left because ALL I have been doing for years on end is 'trying my hardest' and 'keeping going'. BUT as bad as I feel right now (and it's a huge struggle not to do something stupid right now) I am FINALLY being listened to, and that's because the complex trauma has now been identified (rather than 'it's anxiety/depression...here's some antidepressants, now off you go and sort yourself out'wink.

      It's early days, but the fact that I am suffering from 'trauma' has now been identified, that is what is being specifically targeted in my treatment plan. That's what I've needed all along, it's just that nobody realised it until now.

      Maybe it is worthwhile speaking to your GP, or whoever is best in your case, as it sounds like your 'trauma' needs to be tackled head on too. Most of my problems stem from this, so if I can tackle that then everything else (all my trauma 'symptoms'wink should hopefully start to lessen or perhaps some might even go away all together.

      Sending you lots of love and strength xxx

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    • Posted

      Hi there hedda

      i completely agree I’ve got trauma I playing a waiting game with the CPN.

      i will call my dr she is good and hs been emailing them,

      live been calling myself to see how far I am on the waiting list. Never a proper answer so I get put to duty to speak to somone but they are different all the time and I don’t want to talk to loads of people.

      i had an assessment she said I needed one to one.

      its true dragging myself from one day to another waiting to talk I know I need to, to make some sense if I can of he traumas.

      thank you

      i hope you are okay today, glad that you have the help and diagnosis that you need.

      i will make the calls!!

       Thanks for you replies means a lot!!

      vicky 🙂

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    • Posted

      Hi hedda,

        So i called the Mental health team today, I could only speak to a lady on the desk there was no one to speak too.. due to the snow they couldn’t make it in.

      i said how low I am, what do I have to do ?.I am begging by now. She bless her said she would email the main physciatric person that I saw months ago and see what happens.

       Well later on this afternoon mum took a call( I was out) a man said that they had got the email he asked my mum how I’ve been she told him. He said he can see what they can do. Mum said is it days weeks,months ??

       He said weeks hopefully?.

       If that lady didn’t take my call, the duty would have fobbed me as usual.

       So her email must have got to the phycatrist that I saw.

       Thank you I kinda got the motivation to do it I feel I may well be able to start getting the right help the right diagnosis.

       So still the waiting game but hopefully o too long now.

      thank you for talking to me



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  • Posted

    Dear Vicky

    I've been to hell and back for the last 20 years and it hasn't stopped. As you stated other people. My dad says I've been through enough trauma for a million people. The last 5 years I've been able to handle the stress better since joining a church with nice honest people. I'm not scared of death anymore cause though they can still hurt me they can never take away my salvation. I have found my peace with Jesus.I've also gotten myself off a list of medications with terrible side effects.I know what your going through big time. Hope you find some comfort, your not alone. Cindy

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    • Posted

      Well done Cindy. You sound in a much more positive space .. bless you .. ..

      Let's hope it continues.. many congratulations on finding the strength to conquer the prescription drugs that you sound better off without 👍

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    • Posted

      Hi cindy 🙂thank you for your reply,

      apologise for late reply

      im sorry he last 20 years have been hell and 

      i am glad that you are finding peace! That’s all we want isn’t it?

      Getting of meds to is a great achievement. Well done to you🙂

      i know well hope I will get the help I need soon.

      going to call the mht AGAIN tomorrow.

      take care

      vicky 🙂


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  • Posted

    No exactly how you feel .. I have others actions weighing on my shoulders at all times . I live with a bully control freak.. he has done unimaginable things to me . And I actually can't leave. Plus I have lost my job, licence and self worth because of his actions.. its a horrible situ.. I can't stand it but trapped.

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    • Posted

      Hi cola,

      really feel for you I do unfortunately know how you feel..

      i was with a nasty horrible man for 16 years thought I would never get out of that situ. I did we had addictions together we broke them then he went back on it.

       I to lost jobs due to that man.

      please cola get away then things maybe able to become clearer.

      i really know how you feel hence this post.

      feel free if you would like to pm me..

      Its never to late my friend.. ever.

      ask yourself why are you there if you are scared of him get some plans in action get far away from him.

      i really hope you can find strength to realise you do not deserve these unimaginable things happening to you, he’s taken your self worth.

      controll that’s all my husband was about that affairs beatings ..

      i left him 400 miles away from him!! Made a plan and left that was 14 months ago now

      starting again at 40 I’d rather that than end up dead because of his action or if he lead me to take my own life this is how low I was before I left. That’s when I knew I had to go.

      TAKE CARE be kind to yourself please, I know I always say that but I really mean it!!

      im living prof you CAN GET AWAY.... then make a new life.

      vicky🙂sending a massive hug to you........


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    • Posted

      Dear Vicky..

      I hear and applaud you MASSIVELY.. but I'm stuck at the mo just lost my licence coz he asaulted me and I drove away after drinking stupid irresponsible thing to do but that's what panic does.... lost my job .. I'm depressed and have no family .. all I get is leave him . But don't have the strength atm... Plus I have nowhere to go. .. I have spent thousands investing in his house.. that I'm trapped in.. also when I was working loads to try to fight for my licence due to the circumstances but when I lost my job in Jan it broke me I had no fight left in me.. only resentment.. now he's actually making me pay half of the insurance for a car I can't drive coz we need to go shopping. Can't sign on coz legally I don't live here .. so I am in dire straits.. keep crying he just goes down the pub .. gets p****d he can't cope seeing me so depressed.. just goes to work and spends as little time away from me as possible.. I'm an inconvenience now. Plus having a breakdown.. what a selfish woman

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    • Posted

      Get out while you still can and cut your losses.Once they hit you they never stop and it just gets worse from then on. Do you really want to walk on egg shells the rest of your life. Get assistance and move out theirs all kinds of help for battered women out there nowadays. He hasn't crippled you yet so go before it's to late. He cannot make you pay for anything either. You are your own person, when he's at the pub just pack up. I never got that break.You have no young kids holding you together.Start a new life. without him you will build your strength back,in time a new job and your licence. You can do it.

      Set yourself up first then just go and don't tell him anything. 

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    • Posted

      Dear Cindy

      Thanks for you time I'm just too scared .. of the unknown .. i suffer with anxiety and now in deepest depression...

      I have no fight left in me just want to sleep and not face the life I have chosen ..

      I really do appreciate your words.. my twin sister is a coke head bisexual highly sexed person. Everything I'm not. Unbeknown to me they were both doing drugs and he was paying for prostitutes. So they could have there 3somes hence why I have noone. They have both destroyed me.. I don't speak to her coz she still does drugs... He says he doesn't. But this was going on years. .. horrendous no wonder I'm on self destruct

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    • Posted


      everyones says leave no one would want to be in you situation!” I was there.everyone around me said leave him, I thought he would change.

      the things you have said... other people are to blame massively for you situation. THough it’s only you that can change things.

      its scary it’s hard but if you get help as much as you can behind you .

      As Cindy said you’ve nothing tying you there I know you said you’ve paid into a house but you are more important than a house aren’t you!!!

       Please I am proof you can leave rebuild without him and Work on yourself.

      my husband abused me in so many ways manipulating m my family affairs had got another woman pregnant when I couldn’t have children, introduced me to Heroin was and so much more.

      i had to leave I was planning to kill myself bcause he told me to die!

      i had little strength but I got a bit and left.

      i know you say you have no more fight and I get that but if you made one or two phone calls to people that may help you there’s help.

      once my husband hit me the first time I was always so scared he would errupt I would get it, don’t live your life like it.. please reach out.

      my husband NEVER CHANGED just got worse and worse.

      take care now


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    • Posted

      Hi cola has much I've read of your situation if can't get them help they's a police service number you can phone tell them about whose people and name them don't give your name let them sort it out you live for you all the best

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