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Hi Everyone! So I have had anxiety issues since I was a kid but this last year or two has been the worst it's ever been for me. I find myself always reverting back to my negative thinking ways. I haven't seen a therapist or a professional because frankly I can't afford it and I always end up chickening out when I do find a somewhat affordable place.
I've been researching a lot about different anxiety disorders and I'm most relatable to that of OCD and I definitely feel I have depression as well. I'm sorry if my post is a little excessive but I find that even writing it all down, gives me some relief of all the stress I feel. I would really love any feedback and any type of help you could all give me.
I am constantly making myself feel like I'm a bad person. I have a lot of negative thoughts running through my mind on a daily basis. I will bring up bad memories from the past of things that I did wrong or when I had made bad judgements. It's really hard for me to try and move on from past mistakes. I am always saying in my head, "I should of did this" and "why didn't I do that instead." I beat myself up over things I can't change. I notice that anytime there is something that is going good for me, I will find reasons why I don't deserve it or why I'm not worthy of having it in my life.
I also have panic attacks when driving alone. I always worry that I hit someone or something and didn't realize it or notice. I turn the radio down real low so that I can hear every noise just in case. I get so nervous and worried that I will check my car a bunch of times just to see if there's any type of damage or difference. I think the worst if I feel a bump or hear any type of ding.
I think the biggest thing that triggers my anxiety disorder is my fear of how people perceive me to be. I really need reassurance from others in order to feel like I'm doing things right or that I'm a good person. Everything I do or say in front of people, I analyze. I try and figure out what they are thinking and how they are judging me. I just want everyone To like me and think I'm a good person. I try to relate to everyone so that they have a positive view of me. I am always in fear of people getting the wrong idea or misinterpreting something I said and in doing so, they think I'm a terrible person.
I also get really stressed out whenever I go into stores because I get worried that the people working there will think me or the person I'm with is trying to shoplift. I will as far as buying something I don't even really want just so that they don't think I went there just to steal something.
When leaving the house, I go over everything in my head and if I'm not sure whether I locked, shut or turned something off before I left, I worry the entire time something will happen to my dogs while I'm away because of it. Like if I don't make it apparent that I checked all candles were blown out, then I will just worry that my house will burn down with my dogs in it.
There is a lot more that goes on in my head but I don't want to over load you guys in just one post. I am hoping that some of you can relate to any of the issues and can give me some advice as to what helps you. It can be so isolating living with an anxiety disorder because I know I keep these thoughts to myself since I know no one else in my life can understand what I'm going through. I avoid a lot of the things I love because they trigger my OCD thoughts and it just makes me so stressed and depressed. I want to be able to control my thoughts and just be happy.
Thanks for taking the time to read my long post and I look forward to hearing anything you have to say about it.
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