Partner of an alcoholic in denial, my struggle

My heart goes out to you x 

He drinks every day, self employed so does do full days work, comes home cracks open either strong cider 8.5% or port 16% drinks all night even through early hours, wakes up pours more until 5am sometimes then gets up for work about 7 am but weekends or any given day he chooses to not work he drinks/ sleeps round the clock, gin, vodka whatever quantities are 1 bottle of gin/ vodka 1 ltr per day .

He has physical symptoms, sick, struggles eating diahrea all daily, drink, sleep work his routine, don't get me wrong he works hard 

Think I need to accept he will never give up the drink ........ Sadly 

See if you can persuade him to do things properly. With his method of going cold turkey for three days, he is going to suffer throught those days. He is unlikely to get to a point where he feels any improvement in how he feels, quite the opposite. With a proper detox, by day 3 or 4, he is likely to have a completely different attitude as he will start to feel better, the alcohol withdrawal symptoms will be completely eliminated and he may start thinking positively about moving forward without alcohol. A detox will not 'cure' him, it will simply give him a taste of how he used to feel and can feel again. It can be a real motivator. I know that I find it very rewarding when I support a person through an alcohol detox and see a dramatic improvement in their appearance and motivation to get sorted.

To get him to a proper detox, you only need the same agreement as you have got from him before when he struggles through three days of hell to please you before giving up because it's too difficult. If you can have enough influence to get him to go through that, you can defintitely convince him to do a week with medication which will completely eliminate all physical withdrawal symptoms.

Don't give up or he will. I have sent you a private message.

I'm in the State of Oregon. There are many, many chapters of AlAnon in our communities. Would hope there is an AlAnon group that is a good fit. AlAnon can be a wonderful support as well as serving to educate you on the Disease Concept of Alcoholism. Some AlAnon members feel that they, as spouses or family members of an alcoholic, actually are afflicted with a disease, i.e. a psychological disease that results in being an enabler and/or "locked" into a relationship that results in both partners being relatively disabled.

AlAnon can be a psychological support, as a minimum. If you don't like the first few groups keep trying, and you'll find one that fits your personality.

Good luck......which you deserve

Hi Paul, I'm new to this group and would like some advice. Been married 23 years, husband has a very successful & lucrative career & we have two adult sons and a vacation home. I have been a stay at home mom for 25 years or so. Husband started showing some signs of odd behavior a few years ago, long story short we found out he had been secretly drinking (we have never seen him drink one drop!) when he went into dt's..long story short he walked out on my a few months later and would bet that he is drinking again. He told me to get separation papers drawn up and he would

Sign them. My teo adult sons and I know that his behavior (lying, manipulating, blaming me, etc) are all signs and symptoms of alcoholism. He grew up in a very dysfunctional home with two alcoholic parents. He suffers from anxiety & depression as well. We believe he uses alcohol to self medicate and relief symptoms of his mental health problems. He is in denial and blames me dor his problems. I have held my head high, went out and got a job, seeing a counselor, bible study, etc..I have left him alone. I am beyond hurt. I have been rejected and abandoned, not perfect but a good wife and mother..our problems come from him lying and drinking. I wrote him a goodbye email and told him that he is an alcoholic and gave him a number to call for a local facilty when he decides to get some help. I told him that me and our boys know that he left so that he could drink and that it is no longer a secret. He never responded. My question for every one on this forum: how likely is it that he will face reality and get help? What stage of the is he in? We believe he has been drinking (hard liquor) for at least 4-5 years maybe even longer. What should I expect next? Did I do the right thing by saying good bye, etc. thank you all in advance..reading uour previous posts really helped me tonight

Tracy, everybody has to do what's best for them in the long term and you couldn't keep accepting being pushed away like that. It is important for you to know that he has a medical disorder which makes his body demand alcohol and that urge is so strong that he will neglect everything and everybody so that he can have the opportunity to drink.

It's a physiological disorder but traditional methods of treatment have all been about total abstinence, shame and blame, talking therapies and support within a group etc.They have less than 10% success rate.

The most effective method of treatment is The Sinclair Method which is a medical treatment with a published 78% success rate. It involves medication but should also include some support.

You can find out more about it by going to:

https://patient.info/forums/discuss/useful-resources-487627

and reading about The Sinclair Method. It often makes a big difference to people with Alcohol Use Disorder when they are told 'this is a medical condition, it's not your fault' because most have been made to feel that they have serious character flaws and that they chose this lifestyle. The fact that The Sinclair Method works so well demonstrates that this is a medical problem with a medical solution that doesn't involve a white knuckle ride for the rest of their life desperately trying to avoid alcohol.

A really good starting point, if you want to understand The Sinclair Method quickly, is the TED Talk by the American actress Claudia Christian which is freely available on YouTube (search Claudia Christian TED Talk).

Then perhaps you could find a way of getting your husband to read about The Sinclair Method. It might give him some hope because I am fairly sure that he won't be enjoying the situation he is currently in and would welcome the idea of a treatment option which doesn't involve shame and blame.

It's impossible to know how much alcohol will have affected him in terms of his health but I have known people who have been drinking large amounts for a lot longer than he has and the liver is very good at repairing itself if allowed to do so (by resolving the alcohol issue).

If the alcohol issue can be resolved, you and he may have a chance to talk through your issues but nobody can blame you for saying 'enough is enough' while you were being continually hurt.

How do you leave, when they drain you of everything, ruin your credit, your name. ? I'm injured and married an alcoholic, I didn't know at the time, how they hide it so well. Oh the destruction it has caused. Ive lost everything, including friends due to promises on his word and never followed thru. He's away now working hasn't sent a dime left us in ruins, one way it's a blessing then the mess he left me in, no job, no money, I've been in solitude these last few years,be had no license so I was pretty much the taxi ,a few years ago he got a good job I thought surely he's been thru enough will be fine,so we started building are credit and just like that drinking, driving no license lost a very good job,since we've been homless ,evicted lost multiple vehicles ,and I just shack my head there's no words to what you feel, it's as if you just say what? This isn't happening, this doesn't happen to me. Ice worked hard for 20 yrs, always paid my bills, never was evicted. So this has been so devastating to me it's like nothing ice ever seen, how can something cause so much destruction,, how can one not see the reasons are due to their drinking, I don't understand. I'm scared now I have no family as they've passed on, really no one to talk to, where do you pick up the pieces, how do you rebuild when you've been drained of everything. This has effected my physical and mental health, I used to be so outgoing full of life, had a good job with the government. Got hurt married this man and the rest is history. Any advise as to how to regain my life back . in going to remain strong and not let him back, it's very hard when they've have you in poverty, I think they know that . I really need support to help me get thru this.

Can you start be see a family abuse counselor and a attorney to get a restraining order against him...

i don't know all the details but he needs to be made accountable that is u fortunately what is left fir you. File a complain about his begphaviors with the police and ask for resources available .