Patience is reaching Breaking Point
Posted , 22 users are following.
Hello,
I am after some candid advice. Please be honest and brutal. Trust me; I can take it. There is one thing about being married, and totally in love with menopausal women, you learn to develop a “thick skin” and tolerance. However, I feel my patience is running out.
A bit of background about me and my situation: my wife entered the surgical menopause seven years ago. After numerous medical appointments, we eventually found a specialist menopause nurse who prescribed the correct HRT. My wife and I are in our early fifties, both of us are in full-time employment, and we are “comfortable”. Neither of us has any medical conditions. We are very sporty and have great families and friends. We have a great social life and go out as a couple or with our friends. I am really in love with my wife. She is my soul mate, best friend, and I fancy her like crazy.
Watching her go through the menopause is terrible, and I have done my best to support her. Sometimes I have been great, and other times I have been insensitive, but my wife has said that she doesn’t know how I have put up with her and I deserve a medal. When you love someone, you do what’s necessary.
In the last twelve months, my tolerance has been pushed to the breaking point. I feel as though my love, my support and understanding has been thrown back in my face. I don’t want a prize I want to feel loved and cherished and not alone. My wife has said terrible things to me that have hurt me to the core, and I am now reassessing my marriage and our feelings towards each other. I have withdrawn from her both physically and emotionally. I don’t believe my wife will be worried about the lack of sex because our sex life has declined significantly over the last five years. I have tried to address this issue by being patient, understanding and not putting any pressure on her. I have reached a point where I don’t want sex anymore, and that is so unlike me because I love making love to her and being intimate. But I’ve been rejected so many times, it destroys my confidence and hurts too much.
I have told my wife how I am feeling, but the situation doesn’t improve. I know you cannot ask or expect someone to change (unless they want to), but you can change yourself and how you deal with situations. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a marriage where I am not happy most of the time (eighty twenty rule). Lately, I find excuses not to go home, and I reduce the amount of time I spend with my wife. I work more hours, go out with friends or by myself, spend more time exercising, or I find any activity to keep me busy. I don’t feel like a married man anymore, and I feel very little connection with my wife. We used to be a team, but our love was not suffocating because we encouraged each other to go out and holiday with friends. Seeing her happy with or without me always made me happy.
I love my wife, but we all have an obligation to be happy. I know there is no such thing as a perfect marriage/relationship. I just want to be loved. I am not a needy person. I don’t need to be told that I am loved every day; I don’t expect sex every day (twice a week would be lovely). I am really easy going and considerate.
I just feel I have come to a point where I think we would be better off apart. I’m not interested in anyone else I would rather be lonely by myself than lonely in a relationship. So I am after any advice that will help me to save my marriage because that’s what I want, but I’m not prepared to continue like this. It’s not fair on my wife or me. I have asked my wife how she feels, and she said everything is okay, but it amazes me how she can be happy when I am not. Is this further evidence of a breakdown of communication and connection?
0 likes, 32 replies
staci88515 brandon
Edited
I debated whether or not to respond to this post. I read nearly the exact same post in another forum and it creepily swayed to talking mostly about sex. Maybe I am selfish, but I would like a menopause forum to be about myself and other women who are struggling with crippling symptoms. I really have little tolerance in a menopause forum for men complaining about their wives being mean to them and not giving them enough sex. You used "I" over 40 times in your post. You paint a picture of you being loving, supportive, and understanding, while simultaneously outing your wife for saying hurtful things, withholding sex, and being unaware of the current situation. I literally laughed out loud when you mentioned being described as a, "saint" and "deserve a medal." A saint doesn't purposely find excuses not to come home. A medal winner doesn't doesn't elevate themselves above those who are struggling.
The women here are suffering physically and emotionally everyday. They are using every bit of strength they have to keep their head above water. If you want to leave your wife, do it. If you want to be a loving husband, be one. Imagine if you were going through a health crisis and your wife complained that you aren't giving HER enough attention and sex. Sounds a bit selfish and immature, right? It is a good thing that you, "don't want a prize" because you sure haven't earned one.
Focus on the part where you are, "totally in love" and leave off the part of, "with a menopausal woman." It is demoralizing and patronizing. You are asking for help, here is how you can help yourself (not your wife). Go and read every post and every comment on this forum from women who are truly going through the worst years of their lives. Listen to them say how much pain they are in, how frightened they are, how they have no control over what is happening to them, and how no one understands the depth of their suffering. Then, reread your post and adjust your mentality as appropriate.
Guest staci88515
Edited
I agree with Staci, lots of 'I's'.
And while we are being brutally honest here, men aren't exactly top notch at sex when they are in their 50s. It kind of hurts to have sex with a soft d$ck.
And twice a week??
Rolling my eyes here!
Go ahead, leave your wife for some 30 year old. Make sure to have enough viagra on hand. She will even want to start a new family with you. And by the time she hits meno you'll be too old to care.
Gillian1956 staci88515
Edited
I couldn't have put it better myself its like every word was coming out of my mouth men just don't get it
Keljo48 staci88515
Posted
I agree with what Staci said. I am 51 and have come out the other end of menopause. But it is no definitely no picnic. I just verbally shredded my husband of 26 years last night leaving him licking his wounds in another room away from me. Why? Because at that time it was something menial and I feel like at times a vicious alien has taken over my body and I feel I don't have any control over it. Pain and frustration added makes it hard for me to be civil and I mourn for the fun and laughing person I used to be.
If your patience is running thin? Just think for a moment that you can walk away from menopause but your wife can't. You love your life and I am sure your wife does too, but menopause changes a woman. They call it "going through the change" for a reason.
I agree with not only reading all the other post that others and myself have added to over the years but do one thing...imagine it happening to you.
My husband is stubborn but I would suggest maybe couples therapy. But make that appointment with a middle aged woman therapist would you please?
patti56271 staci88515
Posted
He has the same post written over 14 months ago. I truly feel your wife is an angel and if you say you love her then please learn to be understanding. Look back on all the years she has spent by your side, the support she has given you and what you have been through together. As we all grow older including you men, priorities need to change along the way. I hope you find the maturity to deal with this situation and help her through these bad times,
kellyb75 staci88515
Posted
God bless you for saying exactly what i was going to say myself. Marriage is about teamwork. helping each other through the good, bad, ugly and sad.
you are my hero for writing this. thank you so much!
kellyb75
Posted
i meant my last post for the women in this forum. you ladies are my heros. thank you.
tracy01120 brandon
Posted
My heart breaks for your marriage. How sad to see such a wonderful marriage fall apart. You're patience are to be commended. I am 51 and have not yet gone thru Menopause but by your story that sounds like the root of your marital issues. Perhaps your wife needs her HRT meds adjusted? I don't understand her disconnect with you. It must be the hormones. I would together see her Dr again and see if her meds can be adjusted. Lack of sec is difficult as well as that is an important part of marriage. Have you tried quiet dates alone, dinner, wine, getting her to relax and let all barriers down? The fact that she's happy is confusing.....how possibly could she go from everything you had before together to hardly ever being together? It just doesn't add up. So please talk to her Obgyn and hopefully a meds adjustment will get your marriage back on track. ps....i applaud your patience❤
pamela2016 brandon
Posted
i just wanted to say if you truly love your wife dont give up on her this phase of life dont last forever but it seems that way. stay patient with her she cant control or help what she is going through and no one can say how long this will last for her as all us women are different. and if you decide yo stay patient or leave here is alittle advice if you do leave make sure you find another thats through it or what was the point in leaving your wife? my husband is lucky to get sex once a month many women just get to the point whats the use when its uncomfortable we get dry it hurts. its not that we dont want to have sex with our husbands we are going through alot right now mentally and physically its breaking us down. men really dont understand just because you cant see all the suffering doesn't mean it doesn't exist. i understand what yiur going through but she is going through more then you even know this Peri isnt for the weak it destroys women in many ways. my advice is if you truly love your wife you will stick it out and stand by her til the end of this hell she going through. if my husband would make excuses to not come home with me scared out my mind with symptoms he wouldn't have a home to come back too.
Gillian1956 brandon
Posted
you just dont get it do you the word Menopause says it all give your wife time remember shes the victim of a process a womens body puts her through and believe me if you had any idea exactly what we go through you would not have put this post on here man up instead of going off on your own take her on holiday tell her you love her tell her shes beautiful romance her without the sex
Guest brandon
Edited
Seriously, why do men feel the need to come on a women's menopause forum to complain about their wives to menopausal women? Like, really? You've come to the wrong place!
Maybe they need to have a forum just for men dealing with menopausal women so they can get advice there!
laura26665 brandon
Edited
Hi Brandon! First I would like to commend you on your bravery. You've just entered the Lions Den. lol. You wanted brutal honesty and you got it for sure. Here's my take on this. I am 47 and going through perimenopause. Actually I think I have been going through it for the past seven years, but this past year has been the worst. My mood swings and anxiety got so out of control that I literally would go from being depressed and crying for no reason to down right p****d off, again, for no reason. That's when I finally went to my doctor and asked for help. My reason??? My wonderful husband, that's what. My main concern in all of this transition is that I do not take any of this out on my husband and drive him away. I was put on Venlafaxine for my mood swings and hot flashes and what a difference! I wish I discovered this stuff years ago. I don't want to go on HRT since breast cancer runs in my family, so I opted for an antidepressant.
So, my whole point here is this. I personally do not see a self absorbed man just complaining about not getting enough sex and not getting his needs met. What I see is a man that has tried being patient and understanding but is at his breaking point because his wife is completely wrapped up in what she is going through and not considering her husbands feeling AND possibly using his as an emotional punching bag. Also, as for her saying "everything is ok," maybe she literally does not see how she is acting.
So, here's my advice. First, tell her how you honestly feel. Do it gently and honestly and of course wait for a time when she is in a good mood. Tell her you are genuinely concerned for her health and that you would like to go with her on her next visit to her doctor to discuss options for treatment. Second, I would highly advise marriage counseling. If she refuses to go, then go by yourself. Third, romance her. Do some date nights. Be candid with her and ask what she needs when it comes to sex.
In all this, use reverse psychology. What if you suddenly had a major drop in testosterone? I know it's not the same as menopause, but it can be comparable. It would affect your ability to have sex, it would affect your mood and your weight. So if you were going through this, how would you like your wife to treat you? What would you expect from her?
So, be sympathetic, but don't be a doormat. Good luck! I wish you the best and hope this gives you some insight and helps.
Guest laura26665
Edited
nothing to add except i thought this was a great reply x
brandon
Edited
Staci88515,Suzanne, Gillian, Keljo, Tracy, Pamela, Gillian &Laura
Thank you for your honest and candid responses. You have all made valid points and I will take all of them on board. I will truly reflect on your perceptions of me and your advice..
I respect you all.
Brandon
Guest brandon
Edited
Well now I feel bad for being so mean. I'm actually a very nice person.
Well I was pre perimeno that is.
Maybe you need to stop putting pressure on your wife for sex, honestly, I really think it's more normal for people our age to have sex like twice a month, not twice a week. Maybe she's just tired of being pressured all the time if she's not feeling up to it. I truly believe sex drives diminish purposely in our 50s because we aren't supposed to procreate any more. Just with the invention of viagra has that changed things for men.
Get the book The Wisdom of Menopause by Christine Northup. Read the whole book, in fact, read it with your wife. Some very eye opening info about marriages and what happens during menopause.
Hope you can work things out, especially if you have a family.
brandon Guest
Edited
Suzanne,
Don't feel bad mate. You and the others made me pause and truly reflect. You also made me laugh at myself. Give yourself a pat on the back I received your message loud and clear. I will read The Wisdom of Menopause.
Regards
Brandon