Patience is reaching Breaking Point

I am so very sorry you and your wife are having to go though this for it is truly a time of torture for some women. Her whole body is changing and her mind as well. When she comes out of this on the other side she will most likely seem like another person to you and to herself as well. So I as hard as it sounds just give it to God and wait on him, that is what us women have to do. You can not hurry menopause along.

Try to remember God's timing is perfect. As were going though this if we are smart enough and wise enough we will listen to the Lord and He will teach us many things about who we are, how strong we can be and how to relate to others though the rough times in our lives. So take this time and give it to the Lord and let Him guide you and teach you something about yourself and if you are blessed you will come though this a wiser man then you were before. A man God can use to his glory maybe to help lift others up in times of trouble and hardships like these : ).

Here is a prayer that will help you get though the rough times:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

Hi Brandon, I know exactly where your coming from on this one, I had the same happen to me 3 years ago after near perfect 13 years together.

Its not all about the sex, its about the woman we WAS with doing a 180 and turning on us and into someone we dont recognize anymore, I tried my upmost to understand, I read as much as I could, I gave her all that I could give to help her through this stage in life but at the end of the day it was all a waist of time.

The way I look at it, we have feeling to, If we was complete ar5eh0les, if we was drinkers, gamblers, players, cheaters, abusers then we deserve all we get,

if we was loving faithful and respectful to our woman then we still deserve all we get because we're men !

Hi Brandon. I read your post and the answers the ladies have given you. You seem very receptive to the feedback you've received. I think its a great quality to be able to ask for help. I was active on this board back in 2017-2018 because of debilitating peri and menopausal symptoms. I have since moved past the worst of it but do check in every once in awhile to see whats going on and every so often offer some encouragement for those that have a very hard time and ensure them that it does get better.

I tried to look at your post in a neutral light. Not as a menopausal woman that struggled to survive my transition. I've been married to my husband for 29 years. He's a great guy and we love and like each other. I've been menopausal for 22 months now. I struggled deeply from July of 2017 - January 2018. Then, very slowly got better over the next year or so. I thought for a little bit I was back to my pre menopausal self, but I realize now that I won't ever be that person again. My hormones have changed, so my body and mind have changed. It makes me sad, but its a fact I must accept and move forward and find new footing for myself. Maybe your wife is feeling the same. I think it is tough for men to recognize this because we look the same on the outside but the changes are real and unavoidable on the inside. I am using my husband as my example, but while he has aged and slowed down a little, he is basically the same person he was when i married him, so I understand how it is hard to understand that we change some when our hormones change so much! (the HRT your wife is using will help her but she is still changed because her body doesn't make its own as it use to.) An example is that I worry a lot more now than I use to. I don't like that I do this, but I truly can't help it. I'm sure my husband would prefer I not worry or come to him for reassurance for issues that really shouldn't bother me and never did before menopause. As far as sex, I can't speak for anyone other than myself, but I think its more important to my husband than it is for me. It always has been. I think its a gauge for him to measure my love for him. For me, sex is only a small part of a love measure. Many other things speak louder of his love for me. Just hugging me, a passing kiss and the less obvious things like his patience with me and his kindness in his words and tone of voice. Those are the things I'm betting most women view as a measure of their mates love. I think her rejecting you sexually isn't as profound to her as it is to you. I'm not saying therefore it doesn't matter, but maybe its not such a direct insult to you if you realize its not her rejecting you as a person because many other things come into play for most women when it comes to having sex and many of them are probably how she is feeling physically ( maybe she feels dizzy or hot or achy or bloated or maybe she just feels fat and unattractive at that moment) and mentally ( out of body, anxious, worried, ect) .

You also mention that your wife claims everything is OK and that has you bewildered that she can be happy when you're not. Are you sure she's really happy or is she just trying not to complain? Maybe she's not happy but just OK...... theres a big difference. Just because she is smiling and laughs and seems happy doesn't mean that she isn't fighting something inside or trying to push through and come across as happy and Ok. All of which could be hormones and have nothing to do with you. Since you seem to truly love and like your wife and it would seem she feels the same towards you, I think you should try to muddle through and not take this phase so personally. Now that I am through the worst part of my menopause, I can look back and see how patient and nice my husband was to me and that makes me love and like and respect him even more. Try and hang in there with her if you truly love her and you believe she loves you. She has changed some and you will need to change some too if you want to have a good life with her.

not going to go to the extreme with my reply but i hit peri in jan i posted on ere the other day menopause marriage wrecker!!! iv been with my husband 27 years married for 20 next week. 2 weeks ago he told me he no longer knew who i was and that i made him feel like sh*te accusing him of seeing someone one else as he also had started working late and going pub and going fishing so he messaged me at work saying he was going night fishing and needed to think about what to do as he was enjoying going out and having the single life better than putting up with me ,my moods,lack of sex,accusations,the blow outs and everything else iv put him through the last 8 months.... i was totally devastated drank 2 bottles of wine cryed, screamed ,sobbed my heart out and didnt sleep all night and tryed to go work nxt day (got sent home ) begged and pleaded to try and save my marriage which thankfully worked but men need to understand what crap we go through and we dont ask for the panic attacks in the middle of the night,the hot flushes,the moods,the lack of sex drive and all the rest of the crap menopause brings without the most important person of our lives wanting out as we are being b*****s do u think we would be like this if we could bloody help it i dont think so give her a hug and tell her you love her and buy her a big bunch of flowers because understanding is all we need and to know we are loved...............

Claire,

I hear what you are saying. Since yesterday I have taken a step back and I am trying my hardest not to take things personally . I know none of you ladies choose to feel this way and the symptoms are beyond your control even with HRT.

I've put my "big boy's pants" on and focusing on the positives. I am not going to give up and I'm confident in time things will get better.

thank you for taking the time to read my post and replying.

regards

Brandon

Hi Brandon,

Your dilemma is simple, which is different than being easy.

When I married my husband, I married him all the way. Meaning, if he ever became disabled to the point of not being able to carry out what we agreed ahead of time were "marital duties", it would not change one bit how committed I was to the marriage.

So, if he were injured in an accident, let's say, or, as he aged he developed dementia, and could no longer remember to tell me he loves me, or God forbid didn't even recognize me, it would change nothing in my commitment level to the marriage. (even if it did change my happiness level with the marriage). He would have no control over those things, so why would I be resentful of him or take it personally?

I have had to remind myself of that many times, especially now, as I struggle with my own approach to menopause and feel JUST HORRID PHYSICALLY a lot of the time.

I hate that the physical symptoms keep me from enjoying the same things at the same pace we did 5 years ago. Listen... IT CRUSHES MY SOUL.

You have no idea how many times I have written in my journal "I just want to be myself again, for the sake of my husband and daughter".The fact that I physically cannot puts me on par with a wounded animal... I do sometimes lash out, and I regret it every time.

And you have no idea how many times I have pretended to be fine, even when I obviously wasn't, for the sake of my husband and daughter. And run myself to literal medical exhaustion doing that.

This is primarily a physiological transition, and it affects EVERYTHING else.

The symptoms are different, but it is a physiological transition, just as a cancer diagnosis or a dementia process would be. (The good news about menopause... it is not terminal, even though it feels like it will be. There will be a time when the fluctuations aren't as severe, and a new normal can be established).

So the simple/not easy question is, would you expect her to stay by your side through ANY physiological transition? And did you promise to do the same for her? (In my situation, I have to trust that he meant it when he said "for better or worse", just as I did. )

I will pray for you both, as I pray for my own marriage and family.

Best of luck to you both.

Sara

Brandon,

Menopause is hell. Especially when 70 year old men are still having children. It's a cruel joke that makes me think God is a man. And doctors, let me tell you, SUCK at knowing or even caring about helping women through this, even female doctors. It's considered a "lady issue". I'm only PRE menopause and already my anxiety is through the roof, gained a ton of weight and feel gross, have a giant painful fibroid and hair falling out in clumps. We do not want to be like this. If there was a magic pill we would take it. I truly believe if men went through it there would be better treatments for it, and your wife, all of us could be healthier and more balanced. So I'm sure it's hard on you as well, but if you truly love your wife I would strongly suggest you get couples counseling as someone else recommended. Ideally with an older woman therapist who understands menopause. Find a safe space for your wife to share her pain, but ALSO for you to also share yours when she loses her temper, and a space for you, with an expert, to find coping skills, solutions etc. so you can work through things better together. So when she loses her tempter you have a strategy and so when she feels like she's losing it, she does to.

Hi.

i have read some of the replies to this post and find them less than objective.

i am not saying i agree with everything i the post either.

It goes without saying that the woman in the relationship is suffering all the physical and mental effects.

However to say men should just suck it up and provide all means of support, is unrealistic

My wife is currently in the advanced stage of menopause. We do talk about it and I probably try to suggest things that may help, like more exercise, natural vitamin supplements etc, more than she does.

For some time , she feels very low and distant, has low self esteem and generally lacks enthusiasm for many things.

we have been married 34 yrs and I feel the same way about her now as I did when we got married.... I love her unconditionally and have never considered being involved with any other woman.

The way menopause has effected her and her contribution to our relationship has left me feeling abandoned at times.

I can relate to the point about exercising more as a distraction , as it occupies times she wants to be alone.

During our married life we have always spent most of our free time together.

If I am being totally honest , with regards to sex , it's the loss of intimacy more than the act of sex I miss more.

I miss the passionate connection.

As it stands , it seems we are in separate sides of a parallel universe and it breaks me up that I can see her , but as if I can't touch her.

I have read that a sex drive can re-establish its self in women . But as its caused by the drop in hormone levels , that as far as I understand, do not rise again, how does the sex drive and desire for physical contact return.?

Nothing would make me happier, than to make my wife feel within her self, that she is still so attractive and so desirable.

The general feeling for both of us seems to be sadness.

I am using "I" so criticise if you feel it is merited, but I have never felt so detached from my wife , emotionally or physically.

I long for the day , that the person she was , returns. I know she is trying to and desperately wants to return.