perimenopause/menopause leaving husbands

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I would like to know why women hate their husbands when hormones are in transition, and how long can this last, weks,months or even years, and do their feelings ever return to normal or are they changed for good?

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  • Posted

    Hi Nr13

    i can only base the reply on my own experience ..

    i am age 50 now and went through a long natural peri menopause of 9-10 years

    i am now just post menopause .

    when i got to mid peri i felt like this..

    i felt almost resentment towards my partner .. 

    mainly because ' they always feel the same ' dont have all this to deal with..

    i felt like he didnt understand or have a clue how i felt .

    I didnt know truly if he found me less attractive or thought of me as an aging old woman.

    we also feel anxiety and unsure about ourselves.. i tended to make myself more distant it wasnt him.. 

    i even had a bedroom to myself for a couple of years as had insomnia and felt i needed my own personal space and restfulness  ..

    like i was being almost antisocial towards him... like i blamed him i supoose..

    but i didnt .. 

    i just got low and felt mis-understood..

    hes a lovely man and i love him dearly.

    i just got lost in the middle of peri menopause 

    now i am over all of that and for me its got better ..

    hope that helps 

    jay jay xx

     

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    • Posted

      Thanks jayneejay, that helps a lot, my situation is my wife told me she could not stay with me or she would end up hating me, things I was saying or doing were irritating her a lot, she explained she felt weird and different, and then said she wasnt sure wether she loved me or not, she has been gone for nine months now, we have been in contact but i dont mention our relationship or pressure her, I am giving her space i think she needs right now, it just seems to be lasting forever with no end in sight. thanks again, nr13
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    • Posted

      I am sure all of us women have different reasons for 'hating' our husbands.  Mine was that I was so unsure he would be willing to fight for me through this.  i felt that it was so easy for him to let go because I had been a little (well, a lot) more difficult.  I needed him to just cuddle me and tell me everything was ok, we would do this together, and that it was ok if I was different or had mood swings.  I needed him to understand that I needed him more than ever.

      I was ready to leave.  Twice because of these things.

      He is not the most sensitive guy, but recently he told me just to tell him what I needed as I needed it and he would provide it.  So when I need a cuddle night I tell him, when I need to sleep in my own bed I tell him. If I am feeling a mood coming, he has just come to know.  And no matter what comes out it is ok.   And he assures me that he will never leave me.

       or hate me, and that we will make it through this together.

      He has to be the strong one, I am not who I used to be right now.  He has to accept that.  It will all come back in time, it is a struggle.

      But don't just let her leave if she needs you to fight for her.  Maybe she needs to FEEL you love her no matter what, not just you thinking she knows you love her

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    • Posted

      She's already left 4 weeks ago, she'd been planning it for about 3 months.  She's staying down my daughters wiv the other two boys and 2 grandsons and my daughters partner.  Like i said she told me "i'm a brilinat husband, dad, grandad but I don't love u anymore."  So there's a mixed message there for a start.  Cos if i was so "good at being a husband, dad, grandad and i have to the best of my ability, despite my faults which we all have, then why would she leave and not love me anymore??????."  Also like i said she told her best friend "I love Alex, I just don't like Him."  Obviously at the moment Her menapause is hugelly resentful towards me, despite me doing nothing wrong this last 4 years, apart from my usuual faults like we all have.   The last 6 months in seprated beds we have both felt "we want to run away from each other and home and set up homes somwhere else, despite loving each other?????"  Everything everyone does is annoying to her, everything i do like singing in the morning in the bathroom and my usual "Dely Boy" diamond Geezer giigly self, cheeky chappy sort of guy i am.  This is my nature, a loveable rogue, a rough diamond, like to muck about and tease her not in a nasty way.  But for example "sneak out the back and throw little stones at the window whilist she's reading her Bible in bed" and then hearing her scream in fright, but then chuckle to herself and say "U sod u Alex."  Up until last November unti she started isolateing herself in her bed and me downstairs, all this was fine, I mean i aint like that mucking about 100% of the time in the house.  I can be very serious to, I'm a Pastor of 2 Christian street Church's in Swansea, Wales, and Mumbles, Swansea, Wales.    We're both working class people.  We both know we can't divorce cos we're strong beleiving Christians.  But we aint crazed fundamentalists mind u. She's always been great up until last November when this menapause started, and she gave up smoking.  The giving up smoking was her reason for being in bed every night with the TV.  yeah i agree with her, but then it became "more and more andmore and more her being up their alone."  isolation, didn't want to around anyone even the kids, but obviously she had to cos she's their Mum.  Then the insomnia got worse and worse, she hit the sleeping tablets and they wouldn't even work.  The hot flushes in her were happening all the time and she'd be wrapped up in bed every night wiv quilts, blankets and extra pillows alla round her, cos it was the only place she felt safe.  Then about 6 months ago she "didn't want to do anything with me, watch a film, sex was like TABBOO subject, once every 6 weeks.  Would hardly eat a meal wiv me, didn't want to go for a walk wiv me, but she'd like to walk on her own.  Would meet up wiv her Christian friends, but wouldn't do anything wiv me in the house or outside the house????"  We always shared the housework 50/50, she'd cook every evening and I'd wash and wipe the dishes etc, she even had a go at me once "for pinching all her work around the house."  lol.  I said "I just do it cos I'd rather see u rest more."   "I understand that but I want to do it, i go back over what some of the things u've dun for me anyway."  And we'd laugh about it, then the last 3 months av been the worst. I mean up until last November we'd only argue about 4 times a year, we got on real well.  But then in the last 12 months she botttles everythings up and out it comes on me and all my faults every "3 monyhs."   In panic i'd say "Rite that's it we aint getting on I'm leaving" and storm out, or not storm out.  Cos i'd be convinced she'd leave me anyway, kept aving dreams about it all the time every week for the last 8 months.  In an arguement she'd say "I've had enough i got some where top go and stay."  I mean this has happened probably about 6 times in the last 4 years when we have argued, which like i said we'd hardly argue until she would exp[lode after 3 months of bottling everything up cos she felt "that she couldn't talk to me about her problems, fears etc etc." I'd always reassure her "u can talk to me any time u want, u don't av to bottle things up love."   But then it would be "I'm fine I aint got any problems????"    Remember I'm a recovered alcoholic and she's a recovered drug addict, she been clean for 8 years, I've been sober for just under 13 years.  And in the past in relationships wiv our old partners cos of our natures "we've both been runners" but now it's a reality.  Once or twice i'd say to her in the last 2 years (but didn't mean it)  "i'll leave and go down the council and take my name off the tenancy list."  And the day she left I'd actually gone down to the Council to "find out my rights concerning the home and to bascially (wake her up and shock her into reality)"   But it backfired and that night when i came home from work she'd gone, aint been back sinse apart from to pick up a few things.  I explained to her "I wasn't really signing my name off the list I was just trying to frighten u into wakeing up."    She said "I know that, but I'd been planning to leave for 4 months anyway and would have eventually gone anyway."   So that's it, that's my story, up until last November fantastic marriage, 6 months ago it went down hill further, then 3 months ago it got even worse, and now she's been gone 4 weeks.  Loves me but doesn't like me, and i feel my world has been ripped apart, in terrible anxiety all the time in an empty house wivout her, kids etc???  We can't divorce cos we aint commited adultery cos we are both Christians "adultery is all we can divorce for."  She knows that to, she loves me but doesn't like me, despite me not doing anything wrong??

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    • Posted

      Oh and she just basicly told me in tears 4 weeks ago "to just stay away from her."  I just stood there baffled down my daughters house.  I wrote her a letter tday and posted iot through her dooor telling her "how much i love her, my front door is always open to her and the kids, even though she'd signed the tenancy over to me this a house is still her house. That even though now ur saying "u and me are over forever Alex" i beleive that is the "menapause talking and clynical depression cos I know u still love me. If she ever wants a friendly chat u know where I am, how much i love her, miss her, how beautiful she is etc etc?????"

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    • Posted

      Hello.

      As a pastor you know that everyone has faults. It is hard to see them in ourselves and easier to see them in other people.

      I have left my husband of 31 years. I have been gone for almost 2 months.

      It started with me developing Serotonin Syndrome.

      My husband doesn't like to spend money on anything for me or for home or yard. He is selfish. He doesn't want to spend money on me going to the doctor when I am sick. We live in the United States & do not have health insurance.

      He can find the money to take a long weekend to go fishing at a lake 300 miles away. It is expensive. But... I am sick and need a Dr visit or tests. So, he finally let's me go to the doctor but it is too late. I am in Serotonin Syndrome & almost end up in the hospital. I go to my sister's house because she is retired and is a stay at home caregiver for her quadriplegic husband.

      I have been in perimenopause for years but... All of a sudden I am having bad menopause symptoms as I am recovering from serotonin syndrome.

      I can not go home. Every time I think of going home I develop horrible anxiety and sometimes panic attacks.

      My husband is passive aggressive. He financially abuses me, he emotionally abuses me, he manipulates me. He doesn't outright yell at me or call me bad names. It is a more subtle insidious form of emotional abuse. I have allowed him to treat me this way for 31 years. I always put up with it. But his behavior has chipped away at me for years. Now I am very vulnerable and I just can't go back to it.

      I am unable to work outside the home due to health problems so he has total control over the money. If it is something I need or want or something that might benefit me in some way, like a new clothes washer, it is a big hassle." We need to be frugal. We don't have the money."But... Off he goes for a long weekend, spending hundreds of dollars on a day and a half of fishing.

      He doesn't feel he is treating me badly because I have allowed him to treat me badly. He feels since he is the one bringing in the money and I am not working, I have a home to live in and food to eat, I shouldn't complain. Even when I could work at a job outside the home, I allowed him to treat me badly. I left him years ago over his drug use and I ran back to him because he said come back or we are over. I caved in. I was and am afraid of him.

      In the past he used drugs and neglected me to hang out with his drug friends. He is clean now because he drives semi trucks and has to pass drug tests.

      I texted him last night to tell him I love him and miss him and wish I could get over this anxiety but he didn't reply to any of my texts. Passive aggressive behavior. I have told him that this behavior is pushing me away from him. It doesn't endear him to me or make me want to come home.

      Be honest with yourself. No one, not even you, is perfect. She has been putting up with your faults for years and she just can't take it anymore. She loves you but she doesn't like you, she can't live with you.

      I love my husband but I can't be with him unless he changes his behavior. I love him but don't like him and his behavior. He is 50, he is not going to change. He learned this behavior from his father. This is who he is.

      Your wife has kept her feelings to herself for years because she did not want to hurt you and she wanted to keep the family together. She doesn't want to hurt you now but she is in survival mode. If she doesn't take care of herself right now she is not going to come out of this as a whole person. I know because this is what I am going through. I love him but my nerves are frayed after 31 years. It is breaking my heart that I am hurting him and that I will possibly never hug this man again, or make love to him again or laugh with him again or cuddle with him again.

      We had good times too. Teasing, laughing, cooking together and many other things. But the bad behavior on his part has to stop or it is over. I have to save myself while there is a "myself" to save.

      I am crying as I type this. He has just sent me a text asking how I am. No mention of his not responding to my texts last night. Nothing. No apology for " blowing me off."

      I am so sad.

      I'm sorry for being so blunt with you but someone has to. No one is perfect or behaves perfect. Except for Jesus.

      God bless you and your journey through life.

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  • Posted

    I hope never to hate him. Does a change in hormones really hav such a negative effect?

    But then I ever had PMT or anything like that, being peri menopausal hasn't changed that.

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    • Posted

      Hi AL11

      yes it can have a negative effect for some ..

      not everyone..

      think accepting the transistion and support is helpful..

      share how you feel so other half understands and doent think its them..

      jay x

       

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  • Posted

    As for me, I am 51 nearly 52 and peri. I have been married 22 years. I do not talk to my husband about female issues. I learned very early on not to. he's the type that likes to blame women rather than understand that maybe he coudl be doing something to provoke an issue.

    In my case, some of my lack of interest in my husband may be due to hormones but I think alot has to do with our issues we have dealt with over the years. he is passive-aggressive, emotionally unavailable, has battled porn addiction and still hits the bottle too hard too often. he seems to think I need to accept him the way he is and well I ahve not been very good about that.

    he is a rather nerdy type, heavy, mechanically brained and loves to spend time to himself playing endless hours of video games, solitaire or whatever else will keep him busy on the computer. He is not active, does not have an idea to do anything ever. I think his idea of companionship is me being in the same hosue as he is but it seems he needs nothing more.

    He has had 3 emotional affairs in our marriage. He's the type that lusts after women and has infatuated thoughts about them but not the type to actually inittitate anything. The one lady he was infautated also was seeking him but the other two thought he was just friendly. At the same time though he has never even been the type to approach me for intimacy. I finally stopped going to him almost 4 years ago now. We have sex maybe 3-4 times a year. This past year we have gone 8 months without. We no longer sleep in the same bed. We just go about our own business, sahre dinner together and maybe watch a movie from time to time. We don't fight but we are also not loving towards each other.

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  • Posted

    Nr13 and Jay, thank you for your responses. I went to counseling for 3 years, learned a great deal, one of which is that I am co-dependent. I have been working on my codependency issues and I do feel I have made strides. My counselor told me that unless I reseolve my issues I will find somoen else to treat me just like my other 2 husbands. 

    I have discussed the possibility of leaving with my daughters.....my oldest 2 arte completely against it but of course they also do not know the insides to all I have been thru. My youngest has seen a little more and she supports me leaving her dad (oldest daughters are my bios and husband's step, youngest is ours).

    For years I have dreamed of meeting the man that I would actually fall in love with and take me away from this prison but yet when I tell friends what I have dealt with they tell me not to leave and then tell me their own horror story with their husbands. 

    I have know many couples to split up at the near 20 year mark and in every case it is the woman who has left the marriage. I read an article online that indicated that women over 40 are more likely to divorce their husbands than husbands divorcing their wives. I have friends that I look at and see huge issues, the women are not happy, yet they stay and either they convince themselves to stay because of family, or their religious beliefs, or I see women throwing themselves into their careers, or going to extra lengths to find time with their husbands based on their husband's interests. I have one friend who dotes on her husband, praising at every turn he makes and all he does is make fun of her. he never has saidf one nice word to her or about her in all the time I have known them. She took up motorcycle riding just to spend time with him. He does not touch her, does not show affection towards her, is cold, is harsh with the kids yet they have been married 30 years and while we have talked and have alot in common she says she made vows and cannot leave her husband. I don't feel the same but I also have not made up my mind to leave either.

    Nr13, you're a man....how does a man not show interest in his wife? I have kept myself up. Men are attracted to me. I get hits in the gym. I have never let myself go, I am not heavy, I have acareer and contribute, I do not sit around in sweats and watch TV all day long and eat chocolates. I have been a devoted wife, raised 5 kids, kept the hosue clean but my husband is truely a lazy bum. Counde;lors have suspected that husband could be gay or bisexual, or has been sexually abused as all of them say no man does not initiate sex with his wife like mine does. I have told husband what they counselors have said and he has no response. He's kind of like dead weight. He avoids all issues.

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    • Posted

      Hi AVR

      oh bless you... sounds though that your learning about yourself and what you want .. its just the fact of doing it ..

      i was married.. ( twice actually) first one for 13 years.. that grew stale, kind  man though but always head in work things and not showing any interest in me bascially.. got me depressed and i took a deep breathe after much thought and we got divorced..

      i grew very unhappy and knew there was simply more to life..

      then i married a man that was abit younger and he changed the day i married him, control freak .. so i bided my time and when the first year was up of marriage, i divorced him.. i planned it all.. even made him sign a document that he had no claim on my house ... 

      then one day he went out and when he came back i had changed the lock and put all his stuff in bags outside and told him to swivel ..

      life is too short to be unhappy.. a new start is daunting, and i truly believe if someone wants it enough they find a way ..

      maybe it is not quite your time to do that. but you will know when it comes.

      dont ever let a man that is a prat make you feel its your fault..

      maybe he needs therapy not you ..

       

      i am afraid to say if this was how a man made me feel i would be looking for some where else and if ... someone came along who made me feel appreciated and it felt right in the future then i would have them as a friend ..

      sod em 

      jay xx

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