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Hi. I'm new to this forum. Does anyone out there have the same experience with depression? Because I honestly feel like the only person who feels like this and life feels hopeless. I was a happy, confident, positive person who enjoyed life. For the past 3 months, I've had severe clinical depression and anxiety. Life is hell. I am in hell. I feel suicidal every second of every day. It never stops. The feeling never leaves me. I have an intensely bad feeling in my head, like something is wrong with my brain. It came on suddenly. Every day is a living nightmare. I wake up with shaking legs, a pounding heart, butterflies, adrenaline rushes throughout my body and a feeling of "Oh no, how on earth am I going to get thought the day?" I hardly sleep. I hate going to sleep because I know how I'm going to feel when I wake up. It's torture. I sit at the edge of my bed and can't stop jigging my leg up and down. Every day is unbearable but I have to bear it because I can't commit suicide. I wonder what to do with my day. I've had days where I've stayed in bed and those are horrendous. Or I force myself to get up. Just having a bath is monumentally difficult. Getting dressed is horrible. Doing any housework is terrifying and so difficult. I make myself go out and see people. I don't know how I find the strength to do it but I do. I walk with my partner in the evening. But the feeling never leaves. Early on in the depression, I was able to 'click out'. I'd suddenly feel normal and the depression and anxiety would vanish and I'd be okay for the evening. This happened a few times. I thought I was making headway but then I had a shock. Since then I've been dreadful. I can't ever click out of it and it's with me 24/7, no matter what I do. I've tried diversions - reading, writing, art, talking to people, films, everything, but nothing helps. All the things I used to love, I no longer want to do. I've been on Citalopram for 4.5 weeks but it hasn't kicked in - if anything I feel worse. I've just started CBT - I'm working on my negative thoughts. I feel many times like my head is going to explode. My brain feels ill. If someone talks to me intently for any length of time, my head feels like it's on fire and I am losing my mind. I can't think properly. Perhaps it's the drugs. Who knows. I want my life back. I want me back. I don't know how to do it. How does anyone come back from this? Will I get better? Has anyone else experienced depression in the same way? I'm in hell.
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