Please Help!

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Hi. I'm new to this forum. Does anyone out there have the same experience with depression? Because I honestly feel like the only person who feels like this and life feels hopeless. I was a happy, confident, positive person who enjoyed life. For the past 3 months, I've had severe clinical depression and anxiety. Life is hell. I am in hell. I feel suicidal every second of every day. It never stops. The feeling never leaves me. I have an intensely bad feeling in my head, like something is wrong with my brain. It came on suddenly. Every day is a living nightmare. I wake up with shaking legs, a pounding heart, butterflies, adrenaline rushes throughout my body and a feeling of "Oh no, how on earth am I going to get thought the day?" I hardly sleep. I hate going to sleep because I know how I'm going to feel when I wake up. It's torture. I sit at the edge of my bed and can't stop jigging my leg up and down. Every day is unbearable but I have to bear it because I can't commit suicide. I wonder what to do with my day. I've had days where I've stayed in bed and those are horrendous. Or I force myself to get up. Just having a bath is monumentally difficult. Getting dressed is horrible. Doing any housework is terrifying and so difficult. I make myself go out and see people. I don't know how I find the strength to do it but I do. I walk with my partner in the evening. But the feeling never leaves. Early on in the depression, I was able to 'click out'. I'd suddenly feel normal and the depression and anxiety would vanish and I'd be okay for the evening. This happened a few times. I thought I was making headway but then I had a shock. Since then I've been dreadful. I can't ever click out of it and it's with me 24/7, no matter what I do. I've tried diversions - reading, writing, art, talking to people, films, everything, but nothing helps. All the things I used to love, I no longer want to do. I've been on Citalopram for 4.5 weeks but it hasn't kicked in - if anything I feel worse. I've just started CBT - I'm working on my negative thoughts. I feel many times like my head is going to explode. My brain feels ill. If someone talks to me intently for any length of time, my head feels like it's on fire and I am losing my mind. I can't think properly. Perhaps it's the drugs. Who knows. I want my life back. I want me back. I don't know how to do it. How does anyone come back from this? Will I get better? Has anyone else experienced depression in the same way? I'm in hell.

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52 Replies

  • Posted

    Hello there my name is Kaz.

    I am so sorry to hear your bad news of your self.

    Yes i am exactly the same and i oftern think im the only one but i know i am not.

    I had Breast cancer at the begining of this year which shattered my life I had Major surgery and thought this might have something to do with it but i am not sure.I was on seterline but my gp toke me of them and i am not waiting to begin a new one.Sometime i cant wait to go to sleep as it is like a escape for me but i have chand from feeling that now as i know that i wake during the night and stay awake until i have to get up for work.My days are awful i am always love .I toke a Overdose a few month ago......

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  • Posted

    Hello Kaz.

    I am so, so very sorry to hear of everything you have been through. I really am.

    I am really sorry about the way you are feeling. No one should have to feel like this. Are you doing CBT? I hope the new drug helps you.

    I'm undecided on what to do about the citalopram. After almost 5 weeks on it, I felt about as bad as I'd ever felt. I missed my dose on Saturday and again on Monday. I'm currently down to 10mg every day from 20mg. I don't know whether I'm doing the right thing because I heard they can take 8 weeks to kick in so I don't know if I should have perservered with the 20mg. My appetite had got a lot better but now it's a bit less good. I just wish I could sleep!

    At the moment, I'm trying desperately hard to block out the negative thoughts and pushing to make myself do things, however hard. You're amazing for still working. I was out of work when this started - I don't know how on earth I'd work in this state. I don't think I could.

    I don't know if this helps any. Is there anything you normally enjoy doing that you could get lost in? I am yet to find something but I'm perservering in looking for something that helps keep my mind off this.

    Take care of yourself and keep believing.

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    • Posted

      I can definitely understand in the beginning of my depression I always worked and just dealt with it or hide it away so to speak. Now lost my job 2years ago and the thought of even finding another job terrifies me . It's been almost two years now since I have worked which I know just makes my depression worse in the long run but I don't know how to get out of this mess of my life. I go to therapy I'm on antidepressants and bus par for anxiety (do t really notice if it helps) and I inderal for my heart papa rations. Just try and keep your head up and know that you are definitely not alone in this.
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  • Posted

    Hello there Thank you for your reply.

    Im sorry i dont know how to address you as you havent told me your name.

    Well i am sorry again to hear of your news,personally i would carry on doing what you are taking,even though i have stopped mine as every one is different.

    Yes i did start CBT but i did not like it but now i am waiting to see someone else its will bw intense which i need as i have lots of child hood pressures..... my life at the moment isnt happy i dont have anything to look forward to.

    Yes i know i dont know how i do work i am so very tired after my surgery but i have been told that i will not be totally right until next year when it will be a year............... i wish i could help you more.......................................

    What makes me worse i work with mental health and it gets me down..

    life is a BITCH

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  • Posted

    Hi Kaz.

    Sorry for not giving my name - just that this is a public forum.

    I'm sorry the CBT didn't work out for you. I hope the help you are getting is going to be very beneficial to you. These things take time but we both have to believe and fight our way through.

    I'm continuing on Citalopram 10mg. I'm certainly not any worse. The anxiety is through the roof. I have tightness in my chest 24/7 and internal shaking in my legs 24/7 plus adrenaline rushing up my legs all the time. I had lots of 24/7 anxiety symptoms before I took the Citalopram but the shaking legs started after taking it plus the chest tightness.

    I get days that are marginally better than others. Mental health problems are so hard to understand. It doesn't make sense that you can be fine one day and not the next. I was okay one day and then I had a total breakdown the next. It's so hard to understand how I can't just be in my life as I was before.

    Anyway, I guess the way forward is to keep fighting and believing, one day at a time.

    Take good care of yourself. I will be thinking of you.

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  • Posted


    I believe everyone goes through mental breakdowns wallows in a state of sorrow or depression at some point.on a regular basis,i get to see the result of people who have been to their breaking point and actually commit suicide. Doing this would not be fair to your family or yourself.

    I think you just need to surround yourself with good people and figure out what medicine works for you, or, perhaps you dont need medicine. I have seen family members and friends who get prescribed drugs like Zoloft, turn into completely different people as a result of taking it. Focus on thing you have the power to change and stay strong my friend.

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  • Posted

    Sorry kaz, I meant to direct the above message to meteor63.
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  • Posted

    Hi Shane590. Thank you for your reply. You're right - I have no intention of taking my life even though I feel like it many times. But why should I let this temporary state of affairs beat me? I have loads of people in my life who I love and who love me and I'd never do it to them. I care deeply about people.

    It is hard not to be self obsessed. When I was 'normal' I wasn't. I'm just desperate to get back to how I was before all of this happened. It makes no sense. I imagine perhaps it will help me later to be able to help others who are going through it. I do surround myself with people. However terrifying, I make myself go out and see people.

    Thank you. I will keep fighting and I will get there.

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  • Posted

    Dropping in to see how you are doing!
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  • Posted

    Hi shane 590. That's kind of you - thank you. I really appreciate it. I'm doing okay. I had a better day yesterday. The doctor saw an improvement. I met a friend yesterday and managed to eat out and manage my physical anxiety symptoms so people didn't notice. I felt some of the old me & others are noticing a change in me so that's encouraging. It's up and down - I'm getting a few more good days. I'm managing to watch comedies and laugh at them again! My appetite's back.

    I've not decided what to do about the drugs. I've dropped down from 20mg to 10mg and it's made a bit of a positive difference. I've had horrible new symptoms since being on them and I'd like to see if they disappear if I come off the drug. Whether I'll get worse, I don't know, but there are many other drugs I can try. They are certainly not helping with the anxiety! They make it worse. I never know whether the good days come from my own fight and determination or the drugs! I suspect they come from me because I'm a fighter.

    I'm going to keep pushing myself, however hard. I'd like to think I can do this drug free. I'm fighting the irrational negative thoughts more and more and replacing them with positive ones as much as possible. I'm also 'acting' like the old me, even if I don't feel it. It does help. I also want to control the anxiety symptoms which I can do better when I'm not on drugs that exacerbate them!

    I'm not beating myself up - I'm really trying hard and I guess this will just take time and patience. It will be up and down but I CAN do this. I believe it's happened so that I could know how bad depression and anxiety can get and help others who are going through it. I spoke to a friend yesterday who has bad depression and she said I'd really, really helped her and she felt much better.

    Today I'm going out to see a friend. Shaking like crazy but I'm going to do it because it's better than the alternative! Enough of me, me, me and my self obsession!! Thanks again for your support :-)

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  • Posted

    Good to hear you are making progress! I wish you the best!
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  • Posted

    hi all

    Im sorry to hear about the situation youve guys have been in!

    Ive been through a stage of really bad depression because i was on the verge of becoming a professional football player, however i broke my leg back in jan this year! i become depressed because i worked so hard to get to that stage and was so close to becoming pro but then it was just taken from me! i started toself-harm because at that time things just got worse and worse over the months. My parents had split up aswell and my girlfriend at the time broke up with me whilst i needed her when i was hospital, for that support!

    I found out how to overcome being depressed and i know how hard it but its not impossible! The thing that worked for me was obviously having the support from my family & friends but it was eating healthy andmost importantly getting my exercising life back! Exercising has been proven to help deal with stress, frustration and help overcome living proof that it works. I know you might not believe me

    but im here to share with you this information so that you can try it and see if it works for you, as it did for me.

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  • Posted

    Hello there Julian1234.

    Its so nice to hear from you too.

    I am very sorry to hear that you have had a bad time.

    Yes i have heard that excercising is good for stress and other things,but i am unable to do that at the moment.. i am in the dark days and finding again its a struggle.. i use to be so postive but since have a critcal health problem i have lost it all, i am unwell everyday since my surgery in feb2013 and the depression has taken atoll on me x

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  • Posted

    ive got a bad head, and i think it was the antipsychotics ive been forced to have taken.

    but no-one believes me, the psychiatrists plus the whole universe thinks they are harmless.

    Ive quit all illicit drugs because my head is too bad to take them, I cant even drink and today is especially bad so i came here to check this post out.

    I have retarded thinking, and basicly my career in science has been ruined, and I want to kill myself because my life has no meaning being a stupid vegetable like a psychiatrist.

    When my head gets really bad im like Kaz, but guess what, i think your head is worse than mine, AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING!

    Because only when head is bad the butterflies come to kick my ass bad, and...

    Theres more... if i could be bothered writing it.

    let me just tell you one thing, I got one dose of acuphase in hospital, and then i had an explosion of colours in my vision and pain.

    every day is a dizzy blurred together piece of shit... all i can say kids... dont use drugs.

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    • Posted

      Hi Magnus. This is an old post but I wondered how you were? I totally believe you about the psych meds because it's happened to me. This stuff is all over the internet yet doctors and psychiatrists aren't admitting to it.

      When I went on citalopram I got insane side effects, way worse than what I was dealing with before I went on them. Doctors just said that I may get increased anxiety and depression for the first couple of weeks. That is an understatement. I was going nuts. Doctors said take valium. Valium didn't help at all. I went on for about 5 weeks or so before decreasing my dose and getting off the poison. What was happening to me wasn't recognised by doctors. They said it was me. I thought I was going crazy. I was only off the drugs 10 days before being put on another ssri and an antispsychotic (I was told I wasn't psychotic but that they would help my anxiety and augment the ssri). They did not help me. They made me attempt suicide. I am someone who was NEVER suicidal in my life. Someone who always put others first. Someone who was glass half full and positive and who always though that whatever happened, there was a way through. I was not self obsessed at all. But if you've been adversely affected by those 'meds' all that is out the window. People do crazy things on these drugs that are way out of character. The drugs wiped out my whole personality and everything that made me 'me'. I'm off everything now and in acute withdrawal. I'm fighting with everything I've got to get my life back. I really hope you are feeling better now.

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