PLEASE Help Me get off 9 Zopiclone a day 7.5mg

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This is so difficult for me to write down but I cannot carry on like this anymore I am so desperate for help & tried everything I can all to no avail, I’m so sorry but whoever reads will need the background info to understand why I am making plans to end my life right now (Tears are falling i love my family so much & am no good to them)

I am a 48yr old lady, I'm married (it was my 2nd marriage & was our 14th anniversary yesterday) with 4 grown up children with families of their own & a 14 year old son at home.

I have suffered Agoraphobia for years & clinical depression since my teens.

I never saw my biological father, apparently, he was already married when My Mum conceived me & I am ONE month older than my half sister. (I found this out when I looked everywhere & eventually found my biological Father & was abandoned by him yet again,, that hurt..)

I don't know if Mum was put off men for life or was born this way but from then on she was a very feminine lesbian (I still was bullied all my childhood due to this) Mum had no more children so I have no siblings, 

When I was 4 my Mum had a partner with a new baby & I loved him to bits to me he was my Brother, but when I was 12 & my little brother was 7 they split up & he was taken away from me, I was heartbroken.

One year later my Uncle took his own life, he was the only male influence I ever had in my life he was only 44 years old, he always refused to have children as he said he wasn't allowing all the depression he would pass on genetically to make their lives a misery.

Mum had various partners throughout my teenage years & I always swore if I could I would be married & have plenty of children so they would have each other & never be lonely, picked on & bullied like me!

I was 17 when I had my firstborn & 19 when I had my second born, unfortunately I didn't choose wisely, & being badly beaten became a weekly occurrence, the police always called it 'a domestic' & wouldn't help until he raped a woman & asked me to go in a police car to all the addresses I knew he went to so they could find him & arrest him (I was 7 months pregnant with the second baby at this time & it was a massive shock) they eventually found him, arrested him & he was sent to prison.

In all this time I was very close to Mum, she had me young there were only 19 years between us & we were more like sisters than Mother & Daughter, she helped me with the 2 children - the first born in 1983 & the second born in 1985 (both girls)

I got married for the first time in 1986 & thought everything would be fine, he seemed so nice, kind & helpful & I thought we would be so happy so had another little girl in 1987 (she had Tonic Clonic Epilepsy all her childhood until she became a Mother herself)

unfortunately, this marriage became very very rocky too with violence & gambling, so I divorced him, but was silly & even though we were divorced I kept forgiving him when he cried & was so sorry allowing him to come home numerous times & even had another baby our first boy in 1993 (who was diagnosed with A.D.H.D) but things did not get any better & when he smashed a vase my children had got me for Mothers day something snapped & I moved & finished it for good,

my Mum was a godsend If I wasn't seeing her, we were on the phone, she helped me so so much.

In 1997 I met who is my husband now & I could not wish for a better husband or step-Dad & we had a baby boy of our own in 1999 & married in 2000 where my Mum gave me away in church,

Life was wonderful for the next 5 years apart from the heartache of Martin's Mum having Dementia & Alzheimers until 2006 when my Husband's Father died of Pneumonia, then two weeks later my husband’s Auntie died & after her funeral, Martin's only sibling his Brother who was only 43 fell down the stairs here at home & suffered irreversible brain damage & we had to face the decision to have his life support machine turned off & we took the heartbreaking decision to allow him to be an organ donor.

We then had to move into the house we are in now to take care of my Mother-In-Law until she needed more medical care & we had no option than to ask for help & it was decided she needed professional nursing in a home in 2008 & we sadly lost her in 2009.

The straw that has broken the camel’s back with me, is my Mum began getting a lot more tummy troubles in 2012 & was repeatedly told it was I.B.S,  she'd had 3 hernia operations, gallstones removed & numerous tummy ops the previous few years.

Christmas 2012, Mum couldn't eat her dinner so I knew there was a problem, I had her to the Dr who sent her for scans, blood tests etc etc nothing was out of the ordinary other than a few black spots on her liver then they admitted her to hospital for the day for a liver scan.

On 13th June last year she was called in to see an Oncologist, we had no idea what we were about to be told: (of course I was with her)

Mum had stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer which had spread, he gave her a couple of weeks to maybe a month & there was nothing other than palliative care they could do, he was willing to give her a couple of courses of very mild chemo but he was afraid it would only give her a few extra days, I fainted & fell off the chair, Mum jumped at the chance of Chemo, she was willing to try anything she was the bravest I have ever seen anyone! 

Imagine waking up every morning knowing you are going to die anytime! 

I went straight to see my own Dr Smith, who was so so nice, I explained everything to her, including that I had just found out that I also have a 50% chance of getting the exact same Pancreatic Cancer with us being immediately related!! Dr Smith sent me for a scan & as I was shaking like a leaf & an utter complete mess, not sleeping, not even being able to think straight at all, she prescribed me the lowest dose of Zopiclone to take one at night & they helped me so so much! She also prescribed Diazepam but I didn't take those, I just wanted escapism & to sleep!

ONE Macmillan nurse visited my Mum & he really upset her 

Practice nurses from Mum's GP only went a few times over a couple of week &

On 12 October I FOUND MY MUM DEAD ON THE COMMODE!!

I was & still am absolutely devastated, (not to mention losing 2.5 stone) I feel dead myself & began doing something so so stupid & that was buying more Zopiclone at the higher dose of 7.5ml from the internet  then taking 3 tablets THREE times a day !!! 

I just couldn't face life & wanted to sleep but recently, I did lot's of thinking & realised I couldn't carry on like this, I had a life & a family & Mum wouldn't want this so didn't order any from the internet but I have never ever been so ill in all my life!!! I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep that's all but it was pure horrific hell - I cannot state how horrific it was - if anyone has seen the original Exorcist take note it WAS the worst weekend ever & I have had 5 children & can usually deal with pain but this- not cold sweats, shaking, shivering, jerking, can't sit or lay down long, can't breathe, feel anxious, trembling, stomach cramps, toilet every 10 minutes, scary thoughts then... no sleep, too weak to even wash!!! 

I went to see my Dr twice on my own & left my hubby in the waiting room (he was due a hernia op the following week & I didn't want him worrying as he thinks taking an asprin is brave)

 I had already written it all down, the lot, & she agreed with me that weaning was the best way & to come back in a fortnight which is tomorrow but she didn't prescribe me anything) so I have had to find some on the net again as there is no way I can go through that cold turkey ever ever again no way!!

I can't stop crying here

I have made a graph of sorts where I cut down (I bought a pill cutter) slowly each day for a week, then more the week after etc etc, I have worked out doing it this way will take six weeks altogether. I’ve also told my hubby everything now he has had his op & is ok & is being his usual supportive self, he is my rock & I love him so so much, I am more ashamed than anything, we were selling our house which has been for sale 3 yr & our neighbours decided to buy it before Xmas which would have given us a fresh start but yesterday we was given backword, they cannot get a mortgage.

So now I have to see my Dr tomorrow morning with my hubby & haven’t a clue what will happen, I won’t be able to cope with just one 7.5 at night or the cold turkey will start

Could anyone advise me please I would appreciate it literally with my life?

I don't want to die I really don't 

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  • Posted

    hi midnight i can relate to alot you are saying. my mother had me at 19 and my real father married another woman i to have a brother whom i am one month older. i found him but his wife was jeolous and he abandons me  hurt like hell as i allways dreamt my real father would accept me , but didnt work out maybe i pushed her to far as i spoke my mind when she was telling me awfull things about my father i told her i wasnt intrested im here to get to know him as my father..she called me and said i wasnt welcome to her home..never met my brothers ;-( im not close to my mother she as let me down as a mother i know she suffers with depression but i didn deserved to be bullied by her as a child and a young adult. i am 49, sorry to hear about ur mum..hang in there ..theres support for you have u thought of asking your gp about courses for depression theres a charity called mind give them a go..be strong x
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    • Posted

      Julie this is so so weird with almost identical things happening to us, my 'fathers' wife wouldnt even speak to me & said some horrid things about me, I have since learned she passed away but no contact has been made to me at all.

      Thank you for the advice, I will do whatever it takes to get off these & I have never been so thankful for answers for anything, thank you so much! xxxxxx

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    • Posted

      midnight when i read ur post i couldnt believe how simpler we are! i read what u put a few times and thought thats me! shocking how we have been treated. i shut the door on my real father he kept letting me down! we cant chose our familys but we can sure chose our friends ;-) im also on zopiclone and doctor as cut me down to one a night, hang in there midnight its there loss if ur anything like me u would of looked after ur father..maybe one day they will contact us but i wouldnt bet on it..there loss ..stay in contact hun x
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    • Posted

      my mum also had two sons my half brothers when i was a young baby my mum left the lads with my step father at the time , when i was 6/7 i missed them so much but my feelings were not important..parents hay! x
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    • Posted

      Oh Julie, that is so heartbreaking, some parents are just awful! obviously they didn't take into account any of you childrens feelings & it will have effected you all forever emotionally, it's not something minor where you can 'just get over it' it will have shaped you all probably forever.

      I feel for you hun xxxxxxxxxxxx

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    • Posted

      thanks you midnight for your reply. yes it was hurting i was a mess for a long time, but with councilling come to realise this wasnt my fault i was a little vunerable girl. i became very surpressed in my self and if i cried or was shy when meeting strangers i would be told off for it, which left me confused me leaving me more surpressed in my self, this as effected me in my life with work ect as i tend to keep things inside when anything negitive happens to me. my councillor said this is how i learnt to cope. i want to change.. midnight i have left u a message below regaurding your doc appointment this morning reguarding coming off zopliclone i am at the doctors on monday as my last appointment didnt go well i was crying and the doctor had no symathy and said to me why u worried about coming off zopiclone u dont work arh. i have courses coming up soon and dont want to miss them through lack of sleep which will make me depressed, hope u can help.. hugs xxx
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  • Posted

    Hi Midnight Lady, you have my sympathies, I know the withdrawl symptoms you mention and they are pretty awful. Have been taking 4x7.5mg zops, 1 every 6 hours, for the last 3 years. While they were freely avilable to buy on the internet I just continued. But when they became a class C drug on June 10th (read: prescription only) my supplier stopped. I went to see my GP and fortunately he understood that I couldn't just stop taking the things so he has been prescribing my enough to keep me going until I can get assessed by the local rehabilitation unit and put on a crossover to diazepam. That's taken 5 weeks to arrange, I have my first meeting with them next Monday. Still taking the zops (my GP will prescribe a 2 week supply i.e. 56 x 7.5mg. Get some funny looks at the pharmacist but I don't care and so far haven't been to the same pharmacist twice, they seem worse than doctors!)

    You might want to call these people for advice: http://www.citawithdrawal.org.uk/

    They understand the issues and will help you get what you need. Tomorrow make sure you tell your doctor that any sudden reduction of dosage can cause seizures and is not recommended by the experts. Don't tell them you can buy them on the internet - tell them you did, but can't get any more since the June 10th  and only have a few days supply left.

    Print off the withdrawl procedure from http://www.citap.org.uk/Benzodiazepine-Protocol.pdf and give it to your doctor. As it says:

    "TO STOP TAKING TRANQUILLISERS SUDDENLY IS DANGEROUS"

    and your doctor has a duty of care to ensure that you do not suddenly reduce the dose without an adequate program to support reduction.

    Godd luck and don't let them fob you off!

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    • Posted

      Keith,

      I really cannot thank you enough for such strong advice, I have printed off the withdrawal proceedure & feel much better having some information to give to the Dr (I am still afraid she won't be able to help & if I think I have to go through that cold turkey ever again, well I just wont be here to have to go through it - there's no way I'm strong enough mentally or physically, I'm just a mess all round & you have given me hope!!

      Thank you so very very much Keith, I hope you can get sorted out more quicky now! none of us deserve all this it's like a living hell when they have run out!

      I would hug you if I could! xxx

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    • Posted

      keith, my doctor as dropped my zopiclone down from 2 anight to 1 a night. is there anything i could ask for that will help me taper off zopiclone. what are my rights? please help as very worried ive been on zop for years..thank you 
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    • Posted

      I guess they're not used to prescribing such a large amount. It wasn't a problem, they didn't quiz me or anything. One pharmacy didn't have enough in stock and told me to come back a couple of days later.
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  • Posted

    Hello MidnightLady

    I understand your plight.

    Pull off a copy of zopiclone withdrawal symptoms from the internet.

    Take this with you.

    Tell you GP that you want a medical withdrawal programme.

    Go to benzo.org.uk; look for professor ashton report on proper reduction programme (it applies to zopiclone as well). This report has the withdrawal symptoms within it.

    Even if you have to pick up on a daily basis.

    You need to tell (demand) your GP to refer you to a Psychiatrist.

    State your patient rights of professional care.

    Keep pushing; you have a right to be properly treated.

    Best wishes; a fellow sufferer.

     

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