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This is so difficult for me to write down but I cannot carry on like this anymore I am so desperate for help & tried everything I can all to no avail, I’m so sorry but whoever reads will need the background info to understand why I am making plans to end my life right now (Tears are falling i love my family so much & am no good to them)
I am a 48yr old lady, I'm married (it was my 2nd marriage & was our 14th anniversary yesterday) with 4 grown up children with families of their own & a 14 year old son at home.
I have suffered Agoraphobia for years & clinical depression since my teens.
I never saw my biological father, apparently, he was already married when My Mum conceived me & I am ONE month older than my half sister. (I found this out when I looked everywhere & eventually found my biological Father & was abandoned by him yet again,, that hurt..)
I don't know if Mum was put off men for life or was born this way but from then on she was a very feminine lesbian (I still was bullied all my childhood due to this) Mum had no more children so I have no siblings,
When I was 4 my Mum had a partner with a new baby & I loved him to bits to me he was my Brother, but when I was 12 & my little brother was 7 they split up & he was taken away from me, I was heartbroken.
One year later my Uncle took his own life, he was the only male influence I ever had in my life he was only 44 years old, he always refused to have children as he said he wasn't allowing all the depression he would pass on genetically to make their lives a misery.
Mum had various partners throughout my teenage years & I always swore if I could I would be married & have plenty of children so they would have each other & never be lonely, picked on & bullied like me!
I was 17 when I had my firstborn & 19 when I had my second born, unfortunately I didn't choose wisely, & being badly beaten became a weekly occurrence, the police always called it 'a domestic' & wouldn't help until he raped a woman & asked me to go in a police car to all the addresses I knew he went to so they could find him & arrest him (I was 7 months pregnant with the second baby at this time & it was a massive shock) they eventually found him, arrested him & he was sent to prison.
In all this time I was very close to Mum, she had me young there were only 19 years between us & we were more like sisters than Mother & Daughter, she helped me with the 2 children - the first born in 1983 & the second born in 1985 (both girls)
I got married for the first time in 1986 & thought everything would be fine, he seemed so nice, kind & helpful & I thought we would be so happy so had another little girl in 1987 (she had Tonic Clonic Epilepsy all her childhood until she became a Mother herself)
unfortunately, this marriage became very very rocky too with violence & gambling, so I divorced him, but was silly & even though we were divorced I kept forgiving him when he cried & was so sorry allowing him to come home numerous times & even had another baby our first boy in 1993 (who was diagnosed with A.D.H.D) but things did not get any better & when he smashed a vase my children had got me for Mothers day something snapped & I moved & finished it for good,
my Mum was a godsend If I wasn't seeing her, we were on the phone, she helped me so so much.
In 1997 I met who is my husband now & I could not wish for a better husband or step-Dad & we had a baby boy of our own in 1999 & married in 2000 where my Mum gave me away in church,
Life was wonderful for the next 5 years apart from the heartache of Martin's Mum having Dementia & Alzheimers until 2006 when my Husband's Father died of Pneumonia, then two weeks later my husband’s Auntie died & after her funeral, Martin's only sibling his Brother who was only 43 fell down the stairs here at home & suffered irreversible brain damage & we had to face the decision to have his life support machine turned off & we took the heartbreaking decision to allow him to be an organ donor.
We then had to move into the house we are in now to take care of my Mother-In-Law until she needed more medical care & we had no option than to ask for help & it was decided she needed professional nursing in a home in 2008 & we sadly lost her in 2009.
The straw that has broken the camel’s back with me, is my Mum began getting a lot more tummy troubles in 2012 & was repeatedly told it was I.B.S, she'd had 3 hernia operations, gallstones removed & numerous tummy ops the previous few years.
Christmas 2012, Mum couldn't eat her dinner so I knew there was a problem, I had her to the Dr who sent her for scans, blood tests etc etc nothing was out of the ordinary other than a few black spots on her liver then they admitted her to hospital for the day for a liver scan.
On 13th June last year she was called in to see an Oncologist, we had no idea what we were about to be told: (of course I was with her)
Mum had stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer which had spread, he gave her a couple of weeks to maybe a month & there was nothing other than palliative care they could do, he was willing to give her a couple of courses of very mild chemo but he was afraid it would only give her a few extra days, I fainted & fell off the chair, Mum jumped at the chance of Chemo, she was willing to try anything she was the bravest I have ever seen anyone!
Imagine waking up every morning knowing you are going to die anytime!
I went straight to see my own Dr Smith, who was so so nice, I explained everything to her, including that I had just found out that I also have a 50% chance of getting the exact same Pancreatic Cancer with us being immediately related!! Dr Smith sent me for a scan & as I was shaking like a leaf & an utter complete mess, not sleeping, not even being able to think straight at all, she prescribed me the lowest dose of Zopiclone to take one at night & they helped me so so much! She also prescribed Diazepam but I didn't take those, I just wanted escapism & to sleep!
ONE Macmillan nurse visited my Mum & he really upset her
Practice nurses from Mum's GP only went a few times over a couple of week &
On 12 October I FOUND MY MUM DEAD ON THE COMMODE!!
I was & still am absolutely devastated, (not to mention losing 2.5 stone) I feel dead myself & began doing something so so stupid & that was buying more Zopiclone at the higher dose of 7.5ml from the internet then taking 3 tablets THREE times a day !!!
I just couldn't face life & wanted to sleep but recently, I did lot's of thinking & realised I couldn't carry on like this, I had a life & a family & Mum wouldn't want this so didn't order any from the internet but I have never ever been so ill in all my life!!! I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep that's all but it was pure horrific hell - I cannot state how horrific it was - if anyone has seen the original Exorcist take note it WAS the worst weekend ever & I have had 5 children & can usually deal with pain but this- not cold sweats, shaking, shivering, jerking, can't sit or lay down long, can't breathe, feel anxious, trembling, stomach cramps, toilet every 10 minutes, scary thoughts then... no sleep, too weak to even wash!!!
I went to see my Dr twice on my own & left my hubby in the waiting room (he was due a hernia op the following week & I didn't want him worrying as he thinks taking an asprin is brave)
I had already written it all down, the lot, & she agreed with me that weaning was the best way & to come back in a fortnight which is tomorrow but she didn't prescribe me anything) so I have had to find some on the net again as there is no way I can go through that cold turkey ever ever again no way!!
I can't stop crying here
I have made a graph of sorts where I cut down (I bought a pill cutter) slowly each day for a week, then more the week after etc etc, I have worked out doing it this way will take six weeks altogether. I’ve also told my hubby everything now he has had his op & is ok & is being his usual supportive self, he is my rock & I love him so so much, I am more ashamed than anything, we were selling our house which has been for sale 3 yr & our neighbours decided to buy it before Xmas which would have given us a fresh start but yesterday we was given backword, they cannot get a mortgage.
So now I have to see my Dr tomorrow morning with my hubby & haven’t a clue what will happen, I won’t be able to cope with just one 7.5 at night or the cold turkey will start
Could anyone advise me please I would appreciate it literally with my life?
I don't want to die I really don't
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