please help me I think I might die soon

I simply couldn't tell my father, he is by no means rich, the 2 rehab stays he has already paid for have been his life savings bless him, he has no idea,  I live halfway across the country from him. I have no family here and I have separated myself from any friends for fear of being ' found out'

I only have my children's father who lives in another city from me who knows my situation, in the event of me obtaining any librium he is prepared to stay with me while I do the detox,  I am confident I can do it without medical assistance as I have already done it before and know the basics. Thanks for your reply,  my eyes are not yellow but very sunken and I am pale and thin, I have terrible stomach pain and I'm worried I may have given myself cancer or something, I live every minute in fear. I'm absolutely petrified I might not wake up and my girls find me stiff so sleep is not comfortable nor lengthy, I get the girls organised and off to school then spend the day dozing not attending to my life whatsoever,  my house is relatively clean, perhaps a little cluttered but clean, im maintaining the girls well and hygienic,  it's just horrifying that I can't stop the cycle and all I can vision is near death due to the fact that I can never ask for medical help :-(

Chantelle. I wasn't suggesting you asked your father for more money. You are a parent, you know that you would want to know if one of your daughters was in trouble and it wouldn't matter how many times, you wouldn't want to be kept in the dark. Think of it from that point of view

Stomach pain doesn't indicate cancer in the vast majority of cases. It is possible you could have an ulcer but it may be nothing other than a desperate need of a rest from alcohol. The effects of heavy drinking over a long period of time can make you feel like you are dying but a few days into a detox, all of those symptoms would begin to subside.

I have to repeat that you shouldn't buy the medication online. As Vickylou has said, you can never be sure what you are getting and it is certainly illegal for them to be sending out medication like that.

I understand your fears about telling your GP but the GP is not going to consider your children at risk if you are seeking help for yourself. Children are not taken from parents because of an alcohol problem, alone. It would be different if you were getting drunk and being abusive to them but clearly, that isn't the case.

It would take me a week to tell you my full situation, my mother died young but before that she had a mental illness which resulted in her beating us very hard and I left the family home by choice and lived on the streets very young around 7 or 8 till I was eventually captured and taken into care where I suffered years of abuse ( these are not my 'excuses') I'm just explaining my life, I didn't drink or do drugs at this time except prescription drugs such as antidepressants and valium from around age 11-12 which I think changed me.

I became a mother very young.. 18,  most likely to have something for myself and by 23 I had 3 children by an alcoholic father who left us alone and penniless,  this is the year my mother died and I had a breakdown,  learned how to steal to feed the kids then obviously got caught and went to jail. The day I went to jail the father handed my kids to social services, when I got out I tried to fight to get them back but had nowhere to live and didn't manage to get them back as I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and they said I was incapable of bonding with any normal person,they took my 4th child after they found out my first 3 were in care, they killed my 5th ( long story)  and I lied my arse offresh for my 6th and 7th and pretended to be what they expected. For the record I am an excellent mother, I'm in no way perfect but I do my best,  I worship them, I love them so much I couldn't describe, they are dressed like princess's,  I never give them McDonald's crap and feed them on home made meat and veg. They are my world. 

If I go to the doctors it will be red alerted emmediatly and they will try take my last 2 babies.

I could go on forever but I don't want to bore you to death,  I'm just trying to give you a brief rundown on how I've ended up this way and why I can't seek medical help

Chantelle 

Chantelle. You have sent me a message saying that you didn't mean to post this publicly and I know how you feel, it is an awful feeling when you realise that you made that mistake. However, since you did and there is no feature to remove a message once you hit 'send' I will reply here,

Firstly, the name you use here doesn't identify you to anybody and there are a lot of people here in as difficult or even more difficult situations who will understand where you are coming from.

I am sorry to hear about your traumatic life. I find it incredible that Social Services (who I have my own gripe with today about their appalling neglect of my sister who has learning disability) took kids into care for their safety and placed in the most disgusting situations where they were seriously abused and damaged for life

Considering your awful start in life, you appear to have turned out to be intelligent and articulate as well as very pleasant. Plenty from situations like yours don't.

Times have changed regarding the removal of children from parents but I totally understand your fears and I get why you feel you cannot rely on your doctor to maintain your confidentiality. Even after everything, you are STILL being treated badly by the authorities. Most other people get a chance and are treated with dignity, yet you have to suffer discrimination in this way.

I am a qualified mental health nurse and I have seen nothing to indicate that you have any form of personality disorder. Your issues are the creation of appalling treatment as a child and the only shame should be felt by those who were supposed to protect and nurture you as you grew up. You should feel no shame.

I gave you my telephone number in my private message to you, Please give me a call and we can have a chat and see if we can work out a way forward that works for you.

Just in case anybody is suspicious of my motives (as happened with one person in this forum a few weeks ago), I want to say here that I am NOT looking to sell any chargable service to Chantelle. I do not come here to promote myself and patient.info would soon suspend my membership here if I did.

In the meantime, Chantelle, don't order any medication online.

 

Thanks Vicki

Like I said to paul I don't live anywhere near my father and my previous behaviour has probably exhausted his bank account enough, I just couldn't hurt him again like that, I went to see him 2 months ago with the kids and he was so proud when I had lemonade at our family meal instead of a large voddy which I swiftly had when I went back to my hotel.

Im nearly 40,  I have 7 children ( 1 stillborn)  mostly grown up and 2 little ones at home. 

I can't see another option than taking the risk of ordering from pharmaoffshore... I'm just so desperate :-(

Chantelle you are a loving mum who cares about her kids. Please, for you're kids sake, seek medical help. Is there a drop in centre you could go to? By going to you're gp he will see you need help and are doing your best and care about your kids. Social services only take kids when all other options have failed.

What would happen to your kids if you buy online illegal drugs which harm or even kill you. Take care

Thanks again Vicki but I know full well that my babies would be put straight on the at risk register due to past history,  regardless of the fact that I have previously been endlessly monitored and shown great mothering skills and the fact that all of my children have been above average excellent well mannered model students. 

It's a risk Im desperate to take but just couldn't risk, I'd have nothing without them.

As for walk in centres, when I first presented myself to them with my concerns and knew I needed help,  they reported me to social services the same day and my girls where on the at risk register for a year with constant appointments and going to the school questioning them etc, I just couldn't cope with it again :-(

Thankyou deirdre 

Your feedback is most appreciated,  and your right,  every minute of every day is exhausting and sucking the life of me to the point where sometimes selfish chantelle kicks in and I don't really care whether i wake the next morning.

I don't want to die, and I want to be with my kids for as long as I possibly can be but I know what those people are about,  from experience as a child and an adult.

When they took my first 3 children it was a huge injustice,  I was not on drugs or an alcoholic, all I  needed was a home, they acknowledged this when they made the decision to allow me to keep my 6th and 7th child and apologised about taking my 4th and didn't mention murdering my 5th.

I was involved in a very big abuse case based in Wales and although as a child I reported it as an adult i decided to leave it under the carpet whilst being inundated by the press and others I just wanted to leave it and be a mum.

I think my history with the 'system' failing me I obviously have a great fear of them and they're power to remove my precious babies I delivered drug and alcohol free proved to me they have the power to do whatever they please. Fact. From experience 

I so wish to go to the doctors tomorrow but I know it will probably result in my suicide when they try to pick holes in my parenting skills,  my children are superbly loved and have been to 3 different continents alone this year, countless countries,  I'm well educated and I constantly instill this with my girls who thrive at anything they try. 

I'm the same mother now as I was when they tried to deny me my right to keep my beautiful angels I gave birth to,  and the only thing I did different this time was fake politeness,  before I swore and told them to get the fkn hell away from my door etc, this time I kept my mouth shut and smiled, is that all it takes to keep a child?  What if I was a real abuser with a smile?  I already know the answer to that.

Sorry for the essay,  I could go on for weeks, 

Thankyou deirdre for the advice,  most appreciated x

I don't think she will order Librium online. I did speak to Chantelle on the phone and we worked out a solution which I am hoping she will try

Glad you've made contact and are able to offer support. So pleased about her not ordering meds online.